Have you ever lived without a purpose? I’m doing it right now. I almost feel even more like a crazy person than I ever have. I find myself wondering the point of everything I’ve done in my life, seeing it all as useless, as though I am somehow at the end of my productive and useful phase in life…, as though there is nothing good left to come.
I don’t actually believe this, but it is my experience right now. It is the result of having no purpose, I think. And yet, I am almost terrified of finding what I could call a low-level purpose, for fear of being stuck in it. I worked at Starbucks for a while a few years back. I was quite good at it, and I occasionally miss parts of it (like interacting with all the nice people, and making people’s days and such). However, I want to do so much more, that a job like that makes me sad for all the unused potential within myself. And yet, every day feels a little bit worse on the confidence front (not for confidence in myself, but for confidence in my future). These goals and desires I have for my future seem so unlikely to align, I am beginning to feel desperate and hopeless. Why bother?
I suppose it might be time to talk to Jude a bit, and to try out something new.