Sometimes, I see films that have a person as the main focus who struggles with certain situations, specifically socially. (Current society likely would call them people with autism or asberger’s, or something of that sort.) When I see these films, follow these people’s lives, I find it all too easy to fall into a similar pattern in my own life immediately after the film. I think to myself, ‘But I am not like this.’ And yet the feeling is that the behavior is rather easy for me, as though I am at home in the behavior, in the odd habits. I go back and forth between seeing how I am so comfortably ‘normal’ in the world and how I have intense emotions and ties within myself when I deal with certain OCD-related situations…, meaning I go back and forth between feeling like I am a ‘normal’, sane person and a crazy person.
And I always just end up being unconvinced of either one.
I’m a little bit of both, it seems. And I think I’m okay with that. I’m not sure that I like how it is – the OCD stuff can be utterly ridiculous even to me, and those situations are the worst, because they not only are intense feelings of needing to do something specific, but also the anger and frustration and embarrassment that I even have that feeling of need. I think I might prefer having little “quirks”, instead… kind of like how most people likely think about my OCD stuff already, if they even notice any of it. Yeah…, because currently, whenever I’m in a low rut, like tonight, after this film, if I think about the future, the feelings worsen. I struggle to imagine ever finding a partner in life who possibly could accept, let alone embrace certain things that I do, certain things that currently feel as though I cannot not do. But something in me has faith and trust, and drags me out of that rut… I will be okay. I will be wonderful. And I have no idea if this stuff will stay with me forever or not. But, if they do, then I have many a plan for how to organize my life to minimize the struggle situations.