Month: June 2024

I slept okay last night. It wasn’t great, but I wasn’t in pain half the night, which helped immensely. I likely got eight hours of sleep, across all the wake-ups and bathroom breaks. I slept almost three hours at a time.

I was much more functional throughout most of today. However, things went downhill in the evening. I’m going to bed with a very swollen stomach, filled with gas. I am really hoping my body will release the gas very soon, so I’ll have a chance at sleeping tonight.

The interactions of today helped me emotionally and psychologically, too. Late this afternoon, I heard my husband take off on the motorcycle – he’d been working on it, and it clearly was finally good to go again – and so rushed to throw on some of his clothes – mine don’t fit anymore, except for dresses – and head outside to join him. It took a few minutes, but, when he came back, I hitched a ride (and he let me). I asked him just to stay 25 and below, because I already wasn’t feeling too great in my stomach.

So, I mounted up behind him, and we took a comfortable stroll around the big block on his bike. I really enjoyed it. It’s been probably close to a year since either of us has really ridden (thus why he had so much work to do on it), and this was a definite treat. When he went across the ditch, however, I was not so delighted. It wasn’t that I was scared, but that I nearly threw up all over him on the last bit of the bumpy uphill. Otherwise, though, I really enjoyed the ride.

Thank you, God, for this day and its blessings. Help me to be healed of this nausea and bloating. Make the baby safe and well, growing perfectly with your help in me, please. Keep my husband safe. Help us all to sleep well at night. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

It’s really hard to want to give up. Even for something I have wanted for so long. The long suffering of not having it was its own sort of torture, sure, but it was a very doable torture for me. Being so terribly nauseous and bloated all the time and for so long now – it’s been a month of literally constant nausea – has worn me down badly today. Very badly.

I find myself considering not wanting to do it anymore; giving it up just so I don’t have to be sick anymore. And that feels terrible. I am so sad and disappointed that I am even having these thoughts, especially after having made it past the worst of the nausea. I’m still miserable and nauseous all the time, burnt isn’t as bad as it was even a week ago, let alone two weeks ago. And yet, it persists, and I am wearing thin.

God, help me, please. Allow me to trust you completely. Heal me of this nausea and help me to grow this baby well and perfectly without the nausea. Please. I don’t feel like I can do this anymore, and I am so ashamed of how I feel – heal me of this, too, please. All is possible through you. Keep my husband safe, please. Help me to sleep well and keep the baby safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Yes, my belly aches and I am still nauseous all the time. And I mean that – always. I have about five minutes a day when I might not be nauseous, and that is immediately following my morning puking session. I usually feel better after that, but only occasionally does the nausea actually go away. And, even then, it is only for a few months before it rears back up in full force.

Ugh…

God, thank you for this pregnancy. Please, help me to improve further, please. Keep this baby safe and well and progressing healthily. Keep my husband safe, please. Help us find your grace, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I’m just tired of this. I don’t want to be sick anymore, but I definitely still want to have babies and make our family. I just wish we could be past the nausea and illness already.

God, help me to be my best self and to pursue and fulfill your will. Heal me of this nausea. Make this baby well and safe and growing beautifully. Grant us this family we long to have. Help me to eat well and to sleep well and to be well-hydrated. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

For the most part, my husband has shown frustration and annoyance at my current capabilities and behaviors. He clearly hates the farts and burping – remember that I cannot control these, and they are miserable for me to have in the first place – and has been frustrated that I can’t manage the dishes or laundry or tidying up the house anymore.

Last night, while going to bed, I had a kind of break-down about this. I told him how I was sorry that I wasn’t being a very good wife. He responded in a very unexpected way. He told me that I was being a great wife. I said how I wasn’t getting anything done that I normally am supposed to take care of at home, and hat I couldn’t take care of him or support him at all. He replied that I am growing a baby and that that is wifely. He said that it is the ultimate and most valuable womanly thing to do. The other stuff is great, but it isn’t as important or difficult as this. I asked if it was the ultimate wifely thing to do, and he made a joke that I easily predicted and finished. (Only, he was only halfway joking, and I tend to agree with him…)

Nonetheless, it was really great to hear from him that he’s okay right now. I cannot do almost anything I usually take care of right now. I can barely take care of myself in terms of food and water and showering and sleeping. Barely. But that’s okay right now. And he’s okay. And I’m not being a terrible wife. Yes, our house is a mess. No, I can’t do much about it myself. But that’s okay for now.

If, in the next few weeks, I’m not able to start doing that stuff again, I’ll reach out for help and figure it out. My husband is incredibly busy working and training right now, doing his best to be prepared for us financially and schedule-wise come January. That’s important. I miss him and I miss the help he could give at home. But we can manage a while longer without the help at home. And, like I said, if I don’t start feeling better soon, I’ll find someone or someones who can help us.

It’ll be okay.

God, heal me of the nausea, please, and make this baby well and safe and growing healthily and beautifully. Keep my husband safe, please. Help us to trust you freely and easily. Guide us to be our best selves and to pursue and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Today was a better day, and yet I spent most of it utterly nauseous and slightly miserable. Ugh(!!!!!!!!).

I know it’ll all work out beautifully. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t still suck right now.

God, heal me of this nausea, please, and make my baby well and healthy and growing well. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Well, today was rather the opposite of yesterday. I did not accomplish…. actually, I think I did not accomplish anything at all today. I was going to say “very much”, but I realize that I didn’t actually accomplish anything today. I felt slightly dreadful most of the day. I did manage to go to Church this evening. I was utterly miserable and couldn’t even stand the whole time we were supposed to stand, but I went and I am glad that I went. I was too sick and miserable last week to go, so I was determined to go this week, though I still felt dreadful today.

Now, I’m attempting to go to bed, and I just keep burping up the flavor of this soup… and it is terrible. The soup was very soothing going down. The flavor is not so going up. Ugh…

I can do this.

God, help me to do this well. Heal me of the nausea and intense bloating and gas, while keeping the baby well and safe and growing properly, please. Keep it family safe. Help me to balance within my body and mind, to have this be a beautiful process. Please, take care of me and of this baby and of my husband. Please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I actually accomplished several things today. They were all rather small, but getting them done at all made a big difference for me mentally. At last, certain things are out of the way and certain tasks have been kickstarted (mostly the task of building the fence – my husband wanted the fence pickets to be power washed before building the fence, but we couldn’t find one; I found one today and started the power washing; now his turn!). I also kind of was able to eat food, and that was awesome.

Somehow, though, I was wired tonight and am only just going to be at 1:30am. Not so good, I’m thinking. Hopefully, I still will be able to sleep well (especially considering that I usually can’t fall asleep until after midnight, anyway, due to all the gas).

God, help me to sleep well each night. Help this baby to grow well and effectively and efficiently, please, and help me to be well all throughout the process. Keep my family safe and close to you, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

I am so miserable… but I don’t want to be miserable anymore. I want to be beyond this, over this, finished with this, complete with the nausea.

I hand everything over to God and to Mary, for I do not know what to do myself at this point. I’m so sick of this, I don’t want to suffer it anymore, but I still want the result of it. I still want our children to be healthy and well and with us in real life. I just don’t want to do this suffering anymore.

So, I pray.

Our father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day out daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us, sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

St. Jude, pray for us. St. Giuseppe da Copertino, pray for us. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

In 2020, my mom was working for a production about Maria de Ágreda, a cloistered nun in Spain (that means they never leave the grounds where they live) in the 1800s, who bilocated to Texas and taught locals about Jesus, causing them to travel hundreds of dangerous miles to seek out friars in, if I recall correctly, what is now New Mexico to be baptized, saying that “the lady in blue sent us”. She also levitated during prayer and participated in personal corporal punishment (the latter is quite sad to me). She eventually wrote out an entire book that was basically dictated to her by Mary, the mother of God, burned it when The Inquisition seemed to be coming for it, and then re-wrote it later on. Today, I believe to book comes in two or three volumes, as it is so long. It is called “The Mystical Kingdom of God” in English, though it was written in Spanish. Oh, and she also wrote letters to the king of Spain, and they became pen pals of sorts, and she helped him actually improve the stability of the country. Totally nuts life she lived, all in pursuit of glorifying and following God.

All that to say that the musical was a magical production and was to be a world premier. And opening night was canceled due to the COVID shut-down that week.

I have a few audio clips of a few of my favorite songs from the show. But I wish I had a recording of the whole thing – the production was truly awesome – awe-inspiring. It makes me sad still that the world never will see this beautiful production of such a beautiful story. And with such a great cast. Some people are just made to play certain roles, and the two main characters were cast with just such people. They were perfect.

Big sigh…

God, help make this beautiful production come back to life, please. It is a story worth telling and music that truly brings you glory and honor. Help, please. Also, please heal me of this nausea and stomachache, while keeping the baby safe and healthily growing. And keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024