hannah ananas

My husband was home yesterday, as is now the usual, and went back to work today, again, as is the usual now. He used to be gone pretty much always. But he now gets to be home one day a week. And I think that, after having spent a whole day with him yesterday, and breakfast together today, it is suddenly harder to have him leave. It’s like I’d gotten so accustomed to his not being here, that I’d maybe had some numbing on the missing him front. It got put on the back burner when compared to the day’s tasks and struggles and battles here at home. But having him around was so wonderful yesterday, it made his leaving harder than ever today, and I’ve spent the entire day nearly wanting to cry for missing him so much already.

I would have more to say, but my daughter is being very restless in her attacking of my nipples tonight, so, I need to be vigilant and protect myself emotionally right now. So, that’s all for now.

Post-a-day 2026

Sometimes, I feel like I have to set my baby on the floor to cry for a few minutes in order for her to be ready to go to bed. I absolutely hate it, but it’s like she is wired on caffeine until she suddenly can’t be in my arms, at which point she cries very loudly and pathetically for just a quick minute, then will nurse quietly and go straight to sleep.

But I don’t want to make her cry.

I also want her to be emotionally regulated.

But I also can’t handle too much crying all the time…

Ridiculous, I know. But these are my thoughts at bedtime most nights right now.

God, thank you for today. Thank you for our home. Please, keep us safe and together and make us well. Guide us clearly and lovingly. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I’m not sure I’ve ever been more miserable going into a birthday. It has nothing to do with the age, but everything to do with the fact that I am beyond burnt out and that I feel very abandoned by my family right now. They seem to care about ‘doing something’ for my birthday, which is great. But their lack of support elsewhere has me incapable of even beginning to arrange anything ‘to do’ for my birthday. I can barely function, let alone make plans with a bunch of people to do things I love to do. I don’t love to do anything right now. I don’t have the capacity to experience even the idea. A big part of me wishes it were just another day, because then I wouldn’t feel like I’m letting myself down on yet another birthday. Or like no one cares enough to create something wonderful with me for my birthday.

God, guide me, please. Keep my husband and my daughter and me safe and well and together. Thank you for our home. Help me to make it the home I long for it to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

My husband is due home tomorrow night from work, after being gone for six days, as usual. While showering tonight, I was thinking about how I would react if he suddenly walked into the bathroom while our daughter and I were in the shower. I knew instantly that I would break down into tears immediately upon seeing him… In relief, in joy, in gratitude… Today was a very good and doable day with our daughter, so it wasn’t about needing help or wanting help. I just miss him. A lot.

Post-a-day 2026

Today, I had lunch with my aunt in celebration of my birthday. And it was soothing. It wasn’t enough. But it was a good start to easing the…. whatever it is…strain?.. pain?.. of being so alone and so starved for quality time with other adults this past year.

Thank you, God. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

It’s like every night has its own new struggle when I get ready for bed. Tonight, it was that my daughter discovered how to open the trash can in the bedroom, and, not only did she try digging trash out of it at first, but she then started putting fresh, new diapers into it.

So, that sucked. Because OCD wouldn’t let me take them back out.

Post-a-day 2026

I don’t understand my daughter’s obsession with touching and grabbing and pulling on my nipple with her free hand while she nurses on the other nipple and breast. But it drives me insane with stress and tactile overwhelm.

Especially when I am exhausted at the end of the day.

God, help me, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

Sometimes, I just feel like a terrible parent. Right now, I feel like I’ve been a consistently poor parent for about a week plus.

And I can confirm that that is a really terrible feeling to have.

God, help me to be the mom you call me to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

My husband asked me if they were weird. I asked shin what he meant. We both ended up laughing. ‘Weird like me? Or weird to me??’ He didn’t say. I told him they were normal people, but that they had a lot in common with me.

And it turned out that they even had some of the weird stuff in common with us.

But what was really great about it all was that we had dinner with another couple. And they have a kid the same age as ours. Also their only kid so far. And we had a good time all together. It was like a normal Saturday night for people our age. But it was probably the first we’ve had in maybe two years. So, it was really nice to get to be normal people for a night. And especially so to get to do it with other people, and people whose company we enjoyed.

It was really cool.

And how wild that something so simple and standard and normal can be such a huge treat?(!)

Thank you, God. Please, keep us safe, make us well, and keep us together. Show us your will and how to do it. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

My daughter had a single nap today, and it was for about half an hour, if that. I thought that might be good for getting her to bed at a reasonable hour. Yet, somehow, she was wired and disinterested in going to sleep again until after midnight. Ugh.

I, of course, was wanting to go to bed already by close to nine. Yes, I am a night owl. But my body also wakes me up early and makes it hard to get back to deep sleep after then. So, my daughter’s night-owl-ness is kind of driving me crazy. I’m just so tired.

Post-a-day 2026