hannah ananas

This was my 8pm today:

I don’t remember if I mentioned that I slept horribly last night. She woke up after 2.5 hours, and made it into my bedroom before I could get up. I was just so tired, I used the bathroom, and then let her get in bed with me. She then basically attacked me all night with weird nursing stuff, and so I woke up feeling like I had barely slept. I’ve just felt like crying all day, I’ve been so tired. I had to run errands after a family birthday lunch. She was already asleep, and we were over half an hour from home, so I wasn’t going to be able to nap while she did. I forgot to go to Costco during the errands, and I need the strawberries for our morning smoothie tomorrow. So, instead of getting ready for bed, we are going to Costco right now. It’s days like this that it feels so hard not having a partner with me. She wants to go to bed and is crying. I want to go to bed and I’m crying. But the errand has to be run, so we both get to go to the store right now.

Also, she has been casually spouting the F word all afternoon and evening. I yelled it once this morning while I was crying and trying to do something or other…

God, guide us clearly, please. Keep us and my husband safe and well and whole. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

Tonight, I got a glimpse of how a genuine desire to share good things in the world can turn into a tainted anger-based thing. Rather, I saw how the nasty anger one could have actually originated from a desire to share good things. I currently have the desire to share the good things in this scenario. And I felt a lot of bummed out semi-frustration at seeing someone who is severely under qualified to do something being the one doing that something. And I can see how, after years of encountering this, one could become nasty about it and about trying to improve the situation.

I can see how that could happen. Just this one time was hard enough for me to hold my tongue and just to let it be. No one asked for my opinion, despite my high level of expertise in the area, so I did not give it. And I trust that that is okay for now. There are better things to which I can put my mind for now. I hope, anyway. Haha 😛

Post-a-day 2026

I had to have a conversation tonight that I really didn’t want to have. I think I felt like it was the wrong thing to do, an unfair or mean or bad thing to do, to share what I was sharing. Speaking poorly of another, even when it is gently said and it is all the truth, can feel very wrong. Especially when it is something that could affect someone’s livelihood negatively. Even if there is an extreme dislike for that someone in the first place. It just feels wrong to speak poorly about someone like that.

Again, and yet, it was all only true. And the person was asking for honesty on the topic. I think I still wish that I had said less than I did, though. I could have kept it simple and short and less direct and still answered the request effectively. Nothing was false or unfair for me to have said. And I didn’t even say much at all, relative to how much there was that could have been said. But I still said more than I would have preferred, and that bothers me. I wasn’t prepared for the conversation, not really. I was mentally prepared for the topic to come up again, thanks to my husband’s guidance earlier today. But I was actually prepared to talk about it all with someone. And definitely not with someone in this context and this position in my life. I wasn’t ready for worlds to cross, and they did today. I hadn’t been prepared for that to happen ever. I guess it never really occurred to me as something that was at all likely. Nonetheless, here it was today. I think I just need to mention to the person tomorrow that I hadn’t intended to say as much as I did. I also feel like I need to apologize, too. For what, though?? For somewhat forcing her hand in forming an opinion, versus allowing her to form her own. Yes, I want to apologize to her for that. And I will.

Thank you, God, for always supporting me and always guiding me. Please, continue to keep my husband and my daughter and me safe, to make us well, and to help us be the people you made us to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

I have a sort of humming in my ears tonight. But I got the baby to bed in her own bed again. So, progress on the latter, at least. Hoping sleep will resolve the former.

Off to find out!

God, guide us, please, and make us well, keep us safe, and have us sleep well and fully each night. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

She’s sleeping her bed. Let’s see how many bouts she can do in there tonight. Last night was two rounds of three hours. The night before was one of three hours, and then two single hours after that. I am hoping for our family to get to a point of all of use sleeping well each night.

God, guide us, please, and keep us well and safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

She understands to lie down. She even says the words. It’s just a matter of getting her to go to sleep while she’s in her own bed.

Then again, it’s sometimes hard enough to get her to go to sleep in any bed, she’s such a night owl.

Man… I’m so tired, I can barely function. I wanted to be asleep hours ago, before my husband even got home from the store. Haha.

God, guide us to be our best selves, both individually and together. Keep us safe and make us well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

I tend to be very direct. When I say ‘XYZ,’ I mean, ‘XYZ.’ But so many people don’t that my husband is trained to ‘interpret’ what I say, making it have a completely different meaning. This almost always causes problems.

In the same vein, when I ask or suggest he do something, I mean for him to do it, and I usually have an entire series of reasoning behind asking or suggesting he do that specific something at this specific time. Yet he almost never does what I ask or suggest at the time, and then wonders why I explode after weeks of his doing that when he fusses at my for not doing something that was always contingent upon his doing that something I had requested and that he had chosen not to do. Yes, this has happened often for us. Tonight was yet another case of it. And I’d really like to stop yelling and exploding at my family. I am just at such a low capacity in the first place, and my requests are almost always ignored, I have had a very hard time keeping calm when it feels like nobody hears me or sees me, including my husband most of the time. (And I know it isn’t intentional on his part, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.)

God, guide us to be the people you made us to be, our best selves. Help us to love wholesomely and to communicate effectively and kindly. Make us well and keep us safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

We long for independence in our teens and early twenties, and then long for company and family after that. And then again for the one time, once we get the family. 😛 And, supposedly, long for the family again once the kids grow up and move out. Sounds like we are ridiculous, basically. Haha

Thank you, God. Please, keep us safe and make us well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

I out her in her own bed again tonight. She made it two whole hours before waking up and coming to find me for some milk. I very much enjoyed the respite and the improvement. I hope it continues to improve!

Thank you, God. Keep us safe and make us well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2026

My husband said he’d be about twenty minutes. It’s been fifty now. Do you think he’s fallen asleep while I have sat here waiting for him?

Let’s go find out, I guess… I know for sure that I’m not getting up early tomorrow at this point, so that pretty much blows our plan for tomorrow morning.

Post-a-day 2026