Month: April 2021

Karate

In the weapons practice tonight, we were doing defense for knife attacks. I discovered that I am not cut out to be a knife attacker. However, I am totally capable of the defense. 😂

We were using washable markers, so as to see where exactly we were ‘cut’, so that we could evaluate the degree of success of our maneuvers. The only two times I had more than a gentle little graze were both when I was the attacker. She got me good once and decently the other time.

However, when I was defending myself, I was a bit of a beast, even against the teacher. Perhaps it is just real enough for me, that the only reason the person attacking me doesn’t end up on the ground, is because I continuously remind myself not to hurt but to disable only – there were far too many occasions where my instincts were ready genuinely to kick out knees and knock a person to the ground…

I think I want to bring back sock wrestling in the near future. My brain could use the tactical efforts combined with genuine physical efforts, all under the shelf of knowing not actually to hurt the other person. In the defense practice, it is difficult not to hurt the person attacking me, because that is the training realm for my brain: attacker here, so destroy!!! In sick wrestling, I’m not caught off guard and am not merely defending myself – I am also attacking and strategizing to last and to win, without the idea of threat to my actual safety.

Anyway, yeah… it was a good night at karate. We sparred again, too, and I was the sample to go against all the kids by the end. But I also got to spar the other instructor first. He and I both knew that I got some really, really good hits on him, but that they were unseen by the two judges. So, he won the three points first by their eyes, but he and I both knew that that wasn’t really the case. I was honored to have tied and to receive his compliments via surprised awe afterward. It was really cool, actually.

I think that might have been the first time that I didn’t win a match but didn’t cry… it didn’t even show up as a possibility for me… I am genuinely only just now realizing it… and that is very cool.

Post-a-day 2021

No faking it

At the gym yesterday morning, a fellow gym-goer asked me how I was doing. I always consider the answer to such an inquiry fully before answering, and so I told him with a shrug that I was, ‘alright.” After a few beats of silent, accepting nods from him and the other guy with us, he commented on my honesty, and that it was clear that I was being honest.

We all kind of chuckled at that, as I said that things were going just alright, and I wasn’t going to lie. The other guy said that he wouldn’t have been honest about it, if things were going well for him. The first guy totally agreed, as we all laughed, adding that he would have even said “good,” but that he would have said things were going “great,” if he’d been asked and things were going crappily at the time. We all were laughing at that.

“I will always be honest,” I told them. If you ask me, I will answer honestly.

And then we started talking about the workout I had just done and that they were about to do. Of course, I discussed it honestly. 😛

This is likely to be one of those incidents that sticks with me for a long time. It is extremely valuable to me. I was 100% myself, with no struggles or worries, and with no stories. And, though we all acknowledged in the moment that my behavior was abnormal, it wasn’t a bad thing and it wasn’t shoved away. It was embraced, despite the fact that those embracing it would not have done it themselves. And nobody shoved anything under the rug. We all just acknowledged what was so, accepted one another as we are, and thereby showed true love. And I love that kind of love.

I look forward to more and more of such opportunities and experiences in my life as that one was.

Post-a-day 2021

Meanderings in my mind

I still have a Christmas tree up on my wall. It doesn’t even occur to me most days that it would have a reason to come down – it merely is part of my regular lighting in my room. It is in my illumination setup. It just also happens to be a Christmas tree… 😛

Okay, on a totally separate note – although tangentially connected via the cold weather of Christmastime, and holiday cheer, and desire to snuggle up to a loved one with that hot chocolate and film and all – I keep finding myself in an odd space lately. On any given day now, it seems, at some point or other, I find myself passively wondering whether I’m hungry, and my body wants and needs food, or if it just wants sex. On most of those occasions, now, unfortunately, I end up eating, only to discover that it was actually both.

Total facepalm…

Dear body, what are we doing to one another?? And what are we to do??

Big siiiggggghhhhhhhhh… we shall prevail.

Until then, however, I’ve got to sort some s*** out, so that I get myself out of this funk of rolling through each day, only by looking forward to something down the road; no longer present or joyful in the here and now, but simply biding my time until the ‘something better’ happens at last. I want to live now, where and who and how I am. So, it’s time to let go of some attitudes and avoidances, Hannah Banana, and Goggins this s*** out, and Oh, shit myself back on the log.(!!!)

P.S. If you don’t get the reference, it is to David Goggins. I am currently reading his book, and am loving it and the ways I am taking it on in my life so far.

Post-a-day 2021

Seen

I spent most of my life thinking that I was very, very normal, to the point of being boring as a whole and, therefore, worth skipping over and not noticing. I felt that – and this was without disdain of any sort – people just didn’t much notice me. Whenever someone, out of context and years later, would recognize me, I would be surprised. I always recognized everyone else, but I somehow never expected people to recognize me… I hadn’t expected them to notice me in the first place, let alone remember me. And I hadn’t even consciously done that. It wasn’t even until recent years that I began to take note of that’s happening and explored it further.

Thinking tonight, however, about how wearing a halter top tuxedo to my senior prom, with matching bow ties for my boyfriend and me, was surprising to someone, I realized that it really was not very normal. upon further consideration, l discovered that a whole darn lot of what I did growing up – and still do now – was not and is not normal. I am truly far from normal, but not only recently in life. I have decades of evidence of my not being normal.

But I always thought I was. Normal, boring… that’s how I saw myself in the eyes of others. But I think it was because I wasn’t the first one picked for things; I wasn’t a choir officer, no matter how much I wanted it; I wasn’t the one performing three times in the talent show for the school every year… in short, I wasn’t the most noticed and most praised, and so, by comparison, I felt nearly invisible, not worth being seen. And I never pitied myself for it. I just accepted that that was how it was, though I forever yearned to be more like those others, those rose girls…

By senior year of high school, I was on the tv announcements roughly once a week; I was a leading senior in band and symphony orchestra; I helped with the school musical; I was in loads of clubs and groups; and I danced, mostly unprepared, with one friend in front of all 800 students (plus faculty and staff) for a talent appreciation day. And yet, it still surprised me when people who weren’t my immediate friends would remember me at any point after high school. I had still seen myself as unseen, and being below the level of worthiness involved in being noticed and known.

I have been working actively on that these past couple or few years, now. I am worth being seen – by an absurd amount. I am a gloriously beautiful child of God and expression of creativity of the Creator. See me. Love me. Join me.

I still have moments of surprise at someone’s remembering me, having noticed me. And I use those moments to check in on where I stand now, how I show up in the world now. I take the opportunity to reaffirm my chosen place in the world now, and release the old one that much more. I hide no more. I am here, and I am proud to be exactly who and how I am. And gratitude fills me for it all.

Post-a-day 2021

False reprieve

That awful feeling when, after the baby has gone, and we shall have a full night without disturbance, the loudest person declares that it has just been too cold overnight, and so, if nobody has a problem with it, that person is turning the air up a couple degrees tonight…

And then to find out, by initially overhearing a comment from another, and then inquiring about it, that the rest of us have actually wanted it a touch colder overnight lately, as well as during the day, and we are all silently in misery at the prospect of how hot and miserable it is likely to be tonight… will we sleep tonight? Certainly not well.

Post-a-day 2021

Because…

It is 00:16; much too late for me still to be awake. But I am staying at my aunt’s house for a visit. My scheduled run was pushed back first by a ‘need’ to start the cooking process of crawfish, and then by the arrival of more extended family. So, I had to eat first, and then let the food settle, wait for the family to leave, and then go running.

My cousin, who rode a bicycle beside me, and I set out at 9:21pm. That’s past my usual bedtime. Add onto it that I was running with another 2.5 pounds in the vest today (tonight, I suppose, really), for a total of ten pounds in it. I had intended only to run a mile and be done for the night.

But my cousin and I have something in common: we both know a lot about David Goggins. It had come up yesterday, and we nerded out a bit together. It has come up several times since, both as conversation and as comedic comments. (e.g.’What’s the active ingredient in that medicine?’ asks my cousin, referencing an allergy medicine that was just declared unreal regarding how effective it was. I answered casually, ‘David Goggins’s blood. It has magical healing powers.’)

And so, while out, I determine that I will do the full half of the ladder, from running five, off one, down to the run one, off one, and be done.

As I grow close to the end of that half ladder, I notice myself being very tired and wanting to be done. I have the option to turn left and probably end up back at the house right at the end of the half ladder, or go straight and have to walk a lot extra at the end to get back to the house…., but also have the option to finish the ladder, should I do choose.

I continued straight, just in case, and mostly because I so desperately wanted to turn left – I was feeling tired (but not bad by any means).

As I reached the near end of the half ladder, I asked my cousin, who was semi-drunk swerving alongside me (swerving intentionally to keep pace with me, not because he was too drunk to go straight – he just also happened to be drunk) if I was doing the whole ladder. He merely responded, “Are you?”

I replied that, well, with David Goggins being so prevalent this weekend, I kind of feel like I have to do the whole thing.

And so I did. At some point, as we discussed how silly it all was, my having reached a point of things being already half-digested for my morning BM (which is just after four most every day, remember) that they were started to shake heavily down low, calmly demanding a bathroom break when I had about eleven minutes remaining in the ladder, my cousin commented, in response to a why? inquiry, “Because F***ing Goggins!”

It immediately reminded me of the phrase, “Because F***ing Japan,” which I learned to use while living there. This new one was quite the different experience, but a similar sentiment – absurdity. Why is this utterly ridiculous thing happening? Because f***ing fill-in-the-blank!

And so, we now have the phrase, “Because f***ing Goggins.”

I hope he would be honored to know this, as it is an honor. Extreme respect for him and for his beautiful influence via insight.

Post-a-day 2021

Sigggghhhh…..

I lie in my bed now, comfortably on my back, my head rested perfectly on my pillow, feet flat on the mattress, and knees pulled upward to help block a touch of light coming from the wall across the room. I am in my personal space home here – it is not my long-term home, but it is my space of home for the time being. And I love it.

Thank you, God and Cosmos, for this blessing, that I might sleep in my own bed tonight.

Post-a-day 2021

Ready, go!

I was nervous about sparring.

Extremely nervous.

I was actually shaking while I waited for my turn. So, I kept breathing consciously deep.

When I began sparring, I destroyed.

Both of my classmates, I utterly destroyed. Yes, the first got in a few points – we were doing practice, so there was no stopping just because a point was made – and the second finally did, when I purposely slowed up on him. And the third opponent was the main instructor. She definitely got me several times, but I was right there with her, getting point after point against her.

In my second one, I initially just went for it. When, however, my opponent’s splotchy face caught my eye, and I saw tears brimming, I found that I all too clearly could relate. I was, basically, pummeling him. Just as we were told to do, I gave combination after combination. And almost every strike hit home. In his first bout, he and his opponent had rather fooled around, hadn’t maintained stances, and hadn’t done almost any combinations, despite the real-time encouragement from both instructors. (The lead is his mother.) I was matched with him, I believe, to help teach him a lesson.

And he learned it hard. No, the locks and punches were not hard. Just the lesson was. When I saw his brimming tears, I knew the lesson had settled. I calmed my attack, gave him some words of encouragement to, ‘Come on,’ and allowed him some breathing time and space between my attacks. He eventually rallied himself and got there, landing a few points with his combinations and my relaxed defense.

I patted him on the back and shook his shoulders after we finished. We both knew exactly what had just happened a all of it. He knew I had seen him crying. He knew I had let up. And he knew I had wanted him to figure it out and get it right.

And we necessarily had bonded over it.

It was really cool. And I was certainly grateful to be on the other end of such an encounter for once – so many times have I been in that intense space of frustration and tears. I imagine I likely will be back there again at some point, if not many points in my future. For this time, though, I am grateful that I was able to help the person on that end, to encourage and empower him, and to remind him that, despite his frustration, he has enough to offer and he can do it.

Nonetheless, it’s still a bit silly: I made a kid cry. 😛

When I sparred with the instructor, I was ready to be the one not as prepared. And I took it on comfortably and with gratitude for the opportunity to spar against one who is much more experienced than I am. And, I believe, it is because I maintained that calm comfort that I was able to do so well against her.

A lot seems to be amiss in my life right now. This is not one of those things. For whatever reason, karate is exactly where I need to be right now.

Thank you, God and Cosmos.

P.S. Happy Earth Day, folks!! ❤

Post-a-day 2021

Future

Yeah, okay… I’m terrified. I guess I got back into my head with everything, and pulled myself off track.

And that’s okay.

I acknowledge it for what it is, and allow myself the space to move forward from it, now.

Being stuck sucks, and I think that fact alone is helping to push my over the edge and get me moving forward effectively again, terror and all still present, of course. I am afraid of being fully my best self. Perhaps that fear is because I might feel that I have been letting myself down for so long by not being my best self. Perhaps I will feel that way. But, as David Goggins says in his book, just because I have all the reasons in the world not to do something, it doesn’t mean that I have to take those reasons and follow that path – I can still choose to have things go differently, despite all the excuses and reasons available to me for not doing what I deep down want to do.

And I deep down want to do this.

Hannah, I’m coming for you. Sleep well tonight, do the storm is brewing and lighting is preparing to explode all around with pure power and light.

Post-a-day 2021

Longing for Catharsis

I have a lot of emotion going throughout me right now. It has been a calm yet tumultuous few/several days over here, and the circumstances suggest that there will be at least a handful or so more.

And yet…

Perhaps this has been thrown at me so powerfully simply so that I might get husked into gear on a few different things… meditation…, finishing sorting…, fitness goals…, art. These are things I have wanted to be greater parts of my life, especially lately, yet I had joy taken real steps towards making that happen. Perhaps these stresses are here to encourage – read “force” – me into just going ahead and doing them already.

I shall consider this, and see what actions lie immediately before me as likely aids in further alleviating this discomfort. While running, especially with the weighted vest, had been somewhat cathartic, I can tell that it is not enough. I will run myself into the ground, if I keep pushing it the way it feels I would need to do to get this all out of me. I have already begun the meditation this past week, and have felt a pull to do even more of it – it felt right but not enough. It was the same with doing laundry. I have a feeling the others will be the same, too.

Tomorrow, my calendar is empty.

Alors, tomorrow is the day to do exactly those things I just listed. I shall begin.

P.S. Today has been 4.20, and I didn’t even realize it. It was wonderfully ironic that someone asked me to help with something at the store, and, when I pulled it out of the bag, it wreaked of marijuana. 😛

Post-a-day 2021