¿Por qué no los dos?

We met a lovely and true-to-form German man at the opera the other night.  He was so practical, 6’7″, very kind, and totally straightforward.  He was very docile and calm, but he was definitely German to the core, and in the most delightful of ways for us – it felt like interacting with family, despite the obvious distance between us.

He asked me at one point what I had studied while in Europe – my mom had mentioned my having studied in Wien and Germany.  I replied, “Language and Culture.”

He considered it, gave a small smile, and replied, “Language and culture… It sounds like everything and nothing.”

I considered his words, and chuckled heartily.  It was, indeed, true.

Conversation went to a bit of something else, and then returned to my studies and what “language and culture” meant.  “Grammar, history, arts, religion, social change, music, poetry, writing, dialects, politics…,” I listed easily, trailing off slightly by the end, all of us understanding that there obviously were many more I could list.

“So, it sounds like you are qualified for just about everything, then,” declared honestly the German.

I smiled.  “Everything and nothing…”  And we all smiled, gave a bit of a chuckle, and felt the irony of it together, to varying degrees.

I understood the turn of phrase best of all, having experienced most acutely the struggles of the truth of this joint statement of ours… I am qualified for just about everything, then,… everything and nothing…

Thus, the question remains: What, of all of that everything and nothing, do I choose to pursue right now, for now?

I think my recent thoughts have been accurate: I need some more art in my life – self-made art.  🙂

So, let’s art… for now… and let’s be comfortable and secure in the fact that it is okay to have this be for now, and to have something else, something presently unknown, be the what’s next…  Yes, indeed.

Everything and nothing, my dear… you can do it, Banana.  🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Today’s list

I had several things on my list for ‘want to accomplish’ today.

The first half happened beautifully.

The second half were avoided beautifully.

Instead of doing laundry and folding clothes, I rearranged a bit of furniture how I had been contemplating doing for a while now, and then I cleaned up piles of papers and such that I had had around the floor in my room.

And I organized all my paperwork and labeled it to bring to my CPA.*

It was a huge positive move, but definitely not on the list for today. 😛

I also, instead of working on the photos – I moved them to tomorrow, when I’ll be somewhere with Internet already, using my computer, and can stay a while – today, I expanded immensely the efforts I had intended to make with my Italian studies.

Until just a few minutes ago, I was working on the Italian, which was possibly the fourth time today… I even did detail work on it… and that’s saying something.

I also, instead of hopping to it on those aforementioned tasks, I got myself out of the house, down to our main park in town, and I walked.

For hours.

I even ran into a friend, and I joined her and her friend (and the friend’s daughter) for another hour plus, which started right about when I had been considering heading home.

(Suffice it to say that I walked a lot today, and it was great.)

(And I rode the park train twice… and that was lovely(!).)

All in all, I had a great day.

I even listened to a couple hours of my audiobook while cooking/eating and then walking at the park.

So much accomplished today… it feels good going to bed now, exhausted from a reason other than illness.

Not typically my style, but I would like for it to become my style.

Last week was a good start, and this week was even better… let’s keep this Sunday outdoor social activity + self-improvement stuff up, Banana. 😉

*Not that I’m bourgeais (bourgey?) or anything – I hardly have money to survive in this society at the moment; I just used to work for her, and so we have a sort of arrangement for my taxes to be handled.

Post-a-day 2020

Friday Night

Usually spent with friends in bars or clubs, or at least hanging out at someone’s house or apartment, Friday night is a busy one for adults my age…

And yet, how do I spend it?

Mostly sitting on the floor in the corner of my bedroom, next to my phone (which is plugged into the wall), listening to an audiobook that I can’t seem to stop without immense struggle…

It is that good.

And yet, it is also rather intense and somewhat frightening at times, leaving me slightly paranoid at every sound I hear around me…

But it is oh, so good…

And I have no idea why I prefer an audiobook to going out dancing, especially when I had just said at the gym this evening that I must need to go dancing, since I’ve been dancing around to all the music at the gym lately…, but perhaps it is because I don’t have to put forth any effort for it, but dancing would require social interaction, driving, physical movement in dancing, and then also money…., and reading this book is free of monetary charge….

It takes only my time and my sense of safety and ease. 😛

Anyway…, I’m super tired, so I’m going to sleep now (the only reason I could get myself to turn off the book).

And then I can get up all the earlier to listen to more of the book before going to the gym (I know, I go to the gym a lot these days, but it is part of taking care of myself). 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Here in this place

I am sitting at an all-you-can-eat, extremely varied breakfast in a 230USD+ per night resort in the center of a country where the average family annual income is approximately 5,340 USD.

The people are kind and, at times, almost uncomfortably deferential. They also can be bitchy as all else, and utterly delightful in their fun when with one another.

Toilet paper usually doesn’t go into the toilet, and toilets usually don’t flush.

There usually isn’t any toilet paper in a bathroom, anyway, and it is a gamble as to whether there will be any running water or soap.

It is hot and sticky, though no worse than Houston gets.

There are flies.

The indoor floors aren’t exactly clean, but they aren’t exactly dirty either – and there are indoor shoes provided… to keep your feet clean.

There is a surprising number of Japanese people around us.

I find myself hoarding toilet paper, because even our resort is super stingy about letting us have any – even for our room of three people, they will give us only one and a half rolls max at any given time, and these are tiny rolls – and we have to take some with us anywhere we go outside of the resort…

Fortunately, I found a grocery store today, so I bought a pack of toilet paper and a new little bottle of hand sanitizer.

That was after and right next door to the place where I got my $15 two-hour Thai hot stone and foot reflexology massage.

Massages are cheap here, but their quality is quite reasonably high, especially for the price.

$20 for me and my annual costs for living my life is the equivalent of $8 for them… and I thought I lived rather low-budget already… (.16% for the average person my age back home is around $100-150.)

The breads are delicious, the streets are almost unbearable, and I simultaneously want to spend more time to get comfortable being here, and to get out of here immediately, never to return.

I want to help as best I can, and yet I want to put the entire experience out of my mind, because I feel there is little I will accomplish to help once I leave here…, so, I am supporting local commerce while I am here, and I will share openly and honestly with people about this trip, which will include encouragement to give it a go themselves, despite how this – whatever this is – is weird.

I am hanging in there and working in handling life shelf and making things work, while being more than just a means to get through it all…

Here’s to hoping for the best: Cheers!

Post-a-day 2019

Phfuuuuhhh(g)(!!!)

Well, tonight, we had some adventure.

And I’m still totally pissed about it.

Another hashtag “because ****ing Japan” under my belt tonight (which is kind of a big deal, considering I hardly ever wear belts, and am not wearing one tonight either). 😛

Anyway, I knew the whole time, and I still know now, that it was something I will enjoy and about which I will laugh (and probably much) in the future.

However, I am not ready for that.

And, really, I think that is because my emotions were, in a sense, denied, negated.

I was angry about something that happened.

I expressed this sentiment.

And the person with me kept trying to convince me not to be mad, and ended up doing so in a way that made me feel like my emotional response was invalid or wrong… and that, therefore, something was wrong with me.

Not cool, ね?

So, anyway, I think I need to get clear for myself that my emotions are valid: it is 100% okay and perfect that I was angry at what this other person did and the BS the taxi company pulled.

It is valid for me to be frustrated at my level of Japanese not being enough to sort out the situation on my own (in a hurry, anyway).

It is valid for me to be pissed that I didn’t just do it all the way I had wanted to do it all, but had instead done it a way to satisfy another.

It is valid for me to be pissed that I didn’t do a better job checking specifically the various train times.

It is valid for me to be stressed at the physical strain of running in the cold and wind and rain, in my rain boots that only mostly kept the water out (my heels ended up moist by the end, but it was somewhat expected).

It is also valid for me to be pissed at the person with me having constantly to talk…. (Ugh – shut up, already… I need to get through my own thoughts and feelings, please, without outside input [especially from the source of part of the strain, when that source isn’t changing its tune on the matter]… and to try to convince me not to be upset.

All my feelings are valid.

They are my own experience, and my experience is valid and true.

Thank you for this validation of and acceptance of my experience, Hannah.

Now that I have acknowledged it fully and accepted it, I can move forward in releasing it.

Phew…

Man, tonight kind of really sucked.

Thank you, God, for helping me through it, and thank you for helping me see the lessons in it, as well as for helping me improve myself from them, that I might do what I am here to do with you and the World and myself.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2019

Gas and Cash

Mom: Yehhssuh?

(This is the third time I’ve called her in the past ten minutes, all for different reasons.)

Hannah: Hey. Would you go get my wallet out from the car and put it in your purse, so you can give it to me tomorrow?

……

Hannah: Good thing I wasn’t planning to buy anything at this thing.

…………….

I then turn on my scooter to head to the event, and remember immediately that I need to get gas for it.

Oh, no…, I think at first.

I have no wallet, so no means of purchasing that needed gasoline.

Then, I remember that I usually keep a ten dollar bill in my backpack itself, just in case I need cash for something.

I check, and find the crisp bill sitting in its usual place.

Phew!

Oh, no!

But it is only a ten dollar bill – that can’t fill a tank of gas, even in my car(!).

….

But I’m not using my car… I’m using the scooter…. which supposedly maxes out at two gallons…

I only need a single gallon of gas(!).

Phew! and Woohoo!

I head to the good gas station.

Hannah: Hi! Could I get one gallon, please?

I point at my obviously parked scooter by the pump, and the cashier tells me the price.

Just over two dollars later, I have nearly a full tank of gas.

Man, I thought, I could Totally buy loads of stuff at this event – I have almost eight dollars left after filling my gas tank(!).

And I laughed silently and smiled broadly at the nonsense going through my mind.

It was actually a fun experience ordering a single gallon of gasoline.

How odd that is… 😛

Post-a-day 2019

What goes down at the museum

So, this happened while we were walking around the current exhibit (Fashion photography) at the museum today…

We actually had a somewhat difficult time not laughing too loudly as we were doing this.

I had asked my mom if she was going to give me back the cash I’d lent her anytime soon… (She was leaving town right after we finished the painting class we were doing one day, and she realized that she had forgotten to stop and get cash at the bank, so I just gave her some that I had.)

A couple comments later, my mom has turned to me and is opening up her wallet… as she starts flipping through the bills contained within it, I notice myself taking a quick glance around the room (exhibit room), and suddenly feeling like I was just checking to make sure no one could see what we were doing….

And I instantly thought about how shady a scenario this, under different circumstances, could be.

‘Are we doing our sketchy drug deal in the museum?’ I said quietly to my mom.

We both then glanced around and could hardly contain ourselves as she counted out money, and I gave her a coupon I had recently been given and wouldn’t be using.

Quite the dealing, though I say so myself. 😛

Post-a-day 2019