Gas

Well, looks like the gas’s being out will be another few days at the least, and will cost use a minimum of a thousand dollars. Ugh. God, please, give us the strength to handle all of this with grace and ease. Thank you for my successful adapted shower tonight. Help us to eat healthily, even without our normal means of cooking. Help me to find fulfilling and paying work. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Helpless

Sometimes, I think it is important that we feel the experience of being helpless. Because, sometimes, there is no other way to make the lesson stick than for us to end up in a scenario where we feel utterly helpless, and at our own hands.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity. Please, help me to grow beautifully from it. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Rubbing those pennies

And, sometimes, the money just isn’t there, and we have to dial back. And that’s okay. But it still hurts to know that it has been one’s own lack of financial success that is the source of the problem in the first place. And it hurts even more to know that it is affecting others whom one loves.

God, please, grant me the grace to let go of this hurt around money and financial comfort, such that I may use these experiences as support for pursuing and achieving something unimaginably better, through your will. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Blood money

Started menstruating early while on a middle-of-semi-nowhere resort. Didn’t have quite enough tampons to make it through the rest of the weekend. Must purchase from the store on property, because we’re in the middle of a nature preserve and can’t get to anywhere reliable easily or cheaply. Glance at magnets, because he likes to collect magnets from his travels, but determine that none were interesting in the first place and he didn’t much care to have one for this particular trip, anyway. Buy two eight-pack boxes of regular Tampax Pearl and a box of ten Mexican brand supers. Cost is $25. $25 for 26 tampons. He asks, “Is that typical?” ‘Five or so dollars would be,’ I tell him. He comments that well, everything is expensive just because of where we are, and we have to get these, so, oh, well. He doesn’t say it meanly or annoyedly, but simply acknowledging what’s so.

We finish paying, I grab my boxes, and we begin to walk away. The worker/cashier calls out to us. He turns away to grab something, says, “Here,” and hands us two shot glasses that are actually kind of cool looking. We chuckle and thank him, and everyone is smiling genuinely, and the two of us feel so delighted at how just being ourselves while buying tampons turned out to be so fun. We don’t even have shots, but we certainly will find some small serving of some beverage or beverages to enjoy with these little glasses.

And then my mom asked, of course, upon hearing the bulk of the story and seeing the photo, if they were tampon holders. (For those who don’t know my mom, it was a definite joke on her part, and we all laughed really well at it.) It was great.

Post-a-day 2022

Gratitude, unbidden yet ever-welcome

And then, one day, you receive a letter in the mail – well, more like a trim-folded piece of notebook paper – that reads, “We sold our company! This non-taxable gift is a token of our appreciation for everything you have done for us and for being down with us through the years[…]” And, what’s placed within that once trim-folded piece of paper? A check for ten thousand dollars.

Dear God and Universe, might I have something fabulous like that happen in my life? Help me, please, to make such a difference in the lives of those around me that they would want and be able to give such a token of gratitude to me one day. Bless them so abundantly through me, please. Help me to be Your love fully. In Your name I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Barely got it right)

Tum Tumm

I’ve had this drum for almost two years now, and I still am not very good at playing it. I haven’t had any lessons of any kind, because I don’t know drum players (for this kind), and I’m just not an internet lesson person (despite my encouraging others to do it regularly!)… man…, how do I sort out my life enough to be able to do all those internet lessons I have been wanting to do these past few years???

I think part of it is financial security. Another part is the predictability of my schedule and life that usually comes with financial stability and security. That makes the routine possible, and having the routine is something I both want and need for my learning things of all kinds. At present, though, I don’t allow myself the mental space for such things, as there is too much else that is more important that I still need to figure out, versus these things I just want to figure out. Yeah…

Hmm…

I’m hoping Thanksgiving week has drumming in it for me(!!!).

Post-a-day 2021

Empty pockets, empty soul?

Tonight, I attended Mass at one of the wealthiest parishes in town. It was natural that the priest was insistent that everyone take a paper bag for the food drive – it has a list of items on it for one to purchase and then return to the church in the paper bag.

I did not take a bag, though I did consider it. I am not financially stable in a way that I can safely sacrifice the money it would cost to get all the items. Because it would be that for me, a sacrifice. I have barely been able to afford my own groceries and life bills lately. I cannot safely provide them for others, not right now, no matter how I may want to do so.

And so, as I was leaving Mass, the priest asked if I had gotten a bag. I told him that I hadn’t. ‘Why not?’ ‘It is not something I can do right now,’ I reply with best coming to my eyes. ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it requires money, which I do not have at present.’ ‘Ask your parents!’ he declares jovially, but allows me to thank him for Mass and pass without a bag.

I was fully crying by the time I reached the curb.

I immediately evaluated what was happening, of course. I was equating my financial situation with my personal worth, as well as my success as a person and adult and one worthy of being loved. And it sucked. And that was okay.

I reminded myself that being in my present situation isn’t bad. It is just what’s so, and my discomfort is merely a clear sign that I want to change something about it all. And so, what do I want to change about it all? Well, I want to teach. And at this particular school. If I need to wait another six months or hear and a half before I get to do that for real, that’s okay. Until then, I will continue to make myself better for my work, as well as make a difference in the world in my daily life. And I will make true efforts to have more money coming to me and reliably so. I can do this. And, as I mentioned to someone else today, failing at something doesn’t mean I am bad. It just shows how I can improve and allows me an opportunity to do so. Alors, let’s do it, Banana. We can do this.

Post-a-day 2021

Trust

I trust that God and the Universe are acting in my best interest, helping me to be my best and highest self. As annoying as that may sometimes be, I still trust them. And I am grateful for their support and guidance.

He said he envied her height. She said that, if he had been taller she would have married him. But then, she wouldn’t have married the man she did marry, and had the children she had. And he wouldn’t have become a priest, and made the difference in the world that he has made in that role.

Thinking on this, it occurred to me that, though I may envy someone something or be jealous of someone for something, I need only remember that my not having that something is actually helping me to do what I am here to do, the make the difference I am here to make. If I had what that other person has, she would not be able to do what she is here to do, and I would not be able to do what I am here to do.

And so, when the World dishes out something specific to me and something specifically envious to someone else, it is intentional. I have what I was given, because that is what will help me to do what I am here to do in this life, both now and in the future.

Even if I did really want that something else (or someone else), the lack of it will prove much more fertile and endeavour than having it would have proven.

Post-a-day 2021

Just breathe

I don’t know what this lesson is, but it’s starting to make me sick with stress from it. It felt like I had been exactly where I needed to be today and this evening and tonight. So, why did someone have to hit the car as I drive home? And why did he have to drive off, as though he hadn’t just rammed his car into this one?

What’s more, why did he have to be a clear stereotype expressed in reality?

I don’t know what to do about it all, but I’m getting really sick of having a new car. Sure, it reliably gets me places. However, it also has cost me more in repairs than the old little blue car ever did. Plus, I’m paying literally thousands more for this one. All just to get ridiculously stressed out every handful of days.

But it does get me places reliably. And maybe that’s the point, somehow.

Somehow…

Things got messed up with school, and they didn’t pay me. Naturally, this happened just after my having to pay this lump sum of nonsense for the windshield repair BS the car dealership put me through. So, that all likely will be rolling into my credit tomorrow morning… they, of course, are providing me with a physical check to replace the digital error… tomorrow morning.

And then this tonight, just as that was potentially about to be solved.

God and Universe, please help me to read whatever this language is, because I’m not getting the message properly yet – I need help.

Post-a-day 2021

Reminders and Surprises

I think we are given exactly what we need, exactly when we need it in life.

I have not recently been earning loads of money. I began this week a short-term teaching position that pays much higher than my recent earnings. I was looking forward to getting a few things handled, financially during this time working here, earning more money. I also am prepping for some really fun new work to begin once this teaching position finishes this Fall.

However, I had a chunk of a filling – a filling that never should have been replaced, was replaced poorly, and has been falling apart ever since – fall out the other day, to the point that it must be fixed now, as I cannot bite effectively anything at all with any front teeth. I called the old dentist and asked if they would do anything about the filling. After an extremely frustrating telephone call, I thanked the office person, and evaluated my options. I needed to find a new dentist.

I almost immediately called the dentist who was recommended to me by a dentist buddy of mine (who lives out of town), and whose website I had rather liked. Of course, I hadn’t let all the frustration release yet from the first phone call, and so was practically sobbing as I chocked out my explanation of why I was calling their office. The office girl was wonderful, though, in all ways, and even got me an appointment for that afternoon. Suffice it to say that everything about this dentist’s office felt right. I signed up for the yearly dental cleaning etc. plan with him, and have a cleaning and check-up scheduled for next week.

The repairs on my teeth, however? He definitely listened to me and heard me in everything. He seems genuinely to care about my situation, rather than as though it is just a job. He does dentistry, because it helps make a positive difference in real people’s lives almost every day. So, the plan for fixing my teeth to the full way I want them to be long-term is just over eleven hundred dollars. And, from comparing prices elsewhere, that’s actually quite a decent price, since he’ll be doing teeth whitening with it. (Because, let’s be real here: I want beautiful, straight, white teeth. I’ve got the straight part finally, and they’re white-er, but not all the way to where I want them. And the fillings [both front teeth need them] are part of the beautiful aspect.) However, it is still $1100.

But maybe I can handle that, especially with the 6-month payment plan option.

However, something large and loud hit my windshield on the highway. I was shaking afterward, it had been so terrifying, and the crack so loud. The windshield insurance I had purchased took days to get back to me, at which point the crack had spread. They said they wouldn’t do anything for such a crack, as it was longer than only a few inches…. ‘So, what is the point of your windshield insurance? It would cost less to get a chip filled anywhere, than the fee I pay monthly for your nonsense insurance…. What are you actually insuring???’ And so, when I went to a glass repair shop today, they said the crack had now expanded too much for safety, and that they would not even plug it to stop it from running further…, but they would have done so, had I not waited on the response from the insurance place, and the crack hadn’t grown so much… UGH…

So, how much does the replacement cost? Oh, a thousand dollars. Because the car is too new.

I pray to God that the manufacturer’s warranty or something will cover some part of this replacement. I have an appointment with the dealership tomorrow morning. (They give shuttle rides from the dealership via Uber, but won’t give return rides. So, you can drop off your car to them, but you can never get it back…) This way, though, since I have an appointment, they can handle the other problems I’ve had with the car lately, of which I had to get videos, in order to prove I wasn’t making up the problems. But I have the videos now…

So, we’ll see how that all goes…

Anyway, so all of this is happening, right?

I go to a resale shop, meeting my mom there, to find some work pants for me. Yes, fitness is great, but not fitting into the only business work clothes I have is not great. So, I need new work pants…. aka more money needed to be spent… ugh…

We find nothing, and that’s okay. I trust the World and God.

As I am leaving, I am presented with a situation that reminds me of the value and importance of commitment, intention, and just going for it, no matter how odd or uncomfortable it may be socially or emotionally – when it is what needs to happen, just do it. That is how we help make the world a better place, step by step, day by day, interaction by interaction, person by person.

And all of my monetary frustrations, though they did not disappear, suddenly were not so important as they had seemed. No, I don’t know how I will manage all of this yet. But that “yet” is what makes all the difference. At some point, I will manage it all. I trust that, as I believe in myself and my life and the world around me. I am not here to suffer, but to make a positive difference in the world through being my whole, fully self-expressed self.

And so that is exactly what I shall do. I am nervous, but also calm now. I can only do what I can do, and stressing about something serves no one.

Post-a-day 2021