On the defense, offensively

I attended a women’s self-defense class today. A friend invited me multiple times, so I imagined it was expected to be a good class. It was taught by a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu instructor, which was actually the main reason I went. I had a feeling she would cover some extremely valuable stuff that is different from what we do in karate. By going, I could begin to round out my self-defense repertoire, something I’ve been wanting to do for some time now.

And I was right.

She covered some very simple ways to get out of wrist grabs, being bear hug-grabbed from behind, as well as how to take on being knocked to the ground and attacked by a man from the front/top, and, not only to stop him in two different scenarios, but to render him unconscious by restricting blood flow. That last part was definitely awesome to learn. I had always wondered how to do that, and I learned much for it today.

The whole class, though, I was thinking about whether I could execute this stuff on someone bigger and stronger than I am. I have always held my own in wrestling matches that are for fun, but all that stopped when I met my man. I do believe that I have not once bested him in any kind of wrestling scenario. I mentioned something of this to the instructor, and she said to bring him next time, so I can practice with him at the end of the class.

I guess I get to look forward now to practicing these crazy things with my man!

Thank you, God, for the many blessings of today. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023


I was at f***ing 97 days!!!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhrrrrggghhhh!!!!!! Aaahhh!!!! Aah!

And I missed it by 17 minutes. I had t even gone to bed or anything – I’d only just gotten home from a graduation party.

Talk about being pissed over something simple, yet being pissed, despite its being simple.


God, help me to release this pain, please. I have been working hard – please, help me to experience that. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Safe travels

Dear God, please, keep my man safe in his travels this weekend especially. Grant him the space he needs to release all that he has been carrying so heavily these past years. Help him to free himself willingly from the restraints that have kept him from being true to himself, true to the man You made him to be. Give him clear sight of who he wants to be, longs to be, was made to be, and grant him the tools and the endurance and the drive to become that man, always and forever. Thank you for the blessing of him. Help him to be ever more so the blessing Yoi long for him to be, both to the world and to himself. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Give some credits

At the end of a good movie or show, when the credits music is right, I love to dance to it. Especially if the movie was a happy one and one where things were accomplished, I am already in a celebratory and happy mood. Put on some great music that makes one want to move, and I am so on board. I, too, want to accomplish things and be happy and take on the world successfully, like they did in the movie (or, sometimes, show). The story followed by the music just makes me want to jump up and dance wild and freely right there in the living room. I love living room dancing period, and this is one of those living room dancing times that is particularly goofy and fun. It’s just great and so freeing…

I have yet, however, to find anyone since my childhood who enjoys doing this with me. When I first began visualizing the partner I wanted to have in life, back as a teenager or, possibly, pre-teen, I had these visions of the two of us dancing together in the living room of a cabin-in-the-woods type of house, in front of the fireplace, on the big living room rug. I wanted this to be a nightly occurrence, really.

Alas, that has yet to happen. It has partly happened, in that I got my man to dance with me a couple times to this long, thrumping song that plays at the end of the Mandalorian episodes. But that’s it for the living room dancing. Otherwise, I’m the only one who hops up after a film to dance around and have fun. I seem to be the only one who’ll dance around at all, really…

Guess I’ll have to work on that with him, because I really want to dance with him both at home and at dance things and anywhere at all. My first guess is that he likely is like most people – how I myself was at one point – in that he likely feels a lack of confidence in his ability to ‘dance around’ or dance spontaneously and freely/free-form, and so feels embarrassed whenever he attempts it, and, therefore, avoids it.

Here’s to hoping we can resolve whatever it is for him that holds him back from being silly and dancing with me, because it is such a wonderful experience to go wild with dancing in the living room. Cheers.

Dear God, please, heal us all. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Cutting it close

Sometimes, things don’t feel like they’re getting close. It doesn’t feel right now like I am getting closer and closer to completing my course. It not only feels like I’ll be cutting it close to my self-given deadline. It feels more like cutting… it almost hurts like actual cuts, not having more done already, not progressing faster… failing so much… it just hurts…

Post-a-day 2023


I slept in until noon today, actually sleeping for a change. Granted, we went to bed around two something, so I actually only got just over nine hours of sleep. However, it was real sleep this time, only interrupted briefly by a need to use the bathroom a couple times. I fell right back asleep after each, which is huge. I knew I was tired, but didn’t know if this sinus infection would let me sleep. I am grateful that it has lessened enough to let me sleep. I pray for good sleep tonight, too.

Thank you, God, for sleep last night. Please, grant me good and healing sleep tonight. Heal me, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Mother’s Day

Has anyone else ever struggled on Mother’s Day, due to the sudden overwhelming amount of everyone your own age and even significantly younger putting up photo after photo of how happy they are being mom’s? For some reason, that hit me really hard today, and I was in actual tears over it all. It felt like a slap in the face, over and over again… like they and God were just dangling their joy in front of me, showing me what I still cannot have yet have wanted for so long. Though, I suppose it would not be God dangling something like that – that would be more akin to the work of the devil, would it not? ‘Go ahead, covet what they have,’ he might say, ‘Hate them for it,’ he would encourage, ‘Be angry with your God.’

But I shall not. I shall do just the opposite.

Dear God, thank you for my current state. Thank you for not making me a mother or a wife sooner in this life. Thank you for giving me the man who is perfect for me and for whom I am perfect. Thank you for helping us to become perfect for each other before we met. Thank you for giving us the time and experience to let go of and get over so many things that do not serve us or you. Thank you for taking the time to work on us before we get to be together and get to be parents. Thank you for such care and concern and love. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Good start

Today was a success! Yay! Sure, there were definitely some moments of awkwardness, and I also had to sit around and wait for an hour and a half, simply because certain people did not communicate a schedule change to others. However, it all worked out okay, and I even got to walk around the festival for a while with my mom. I also got to sit in a shaded VIP area for a while with my mom and just hang out and rest somewhat. Both opportunities were great and greatly appreciated.

What’s more, my man built almost the whole chicken coop today!! ** So, an extra yay!! Yay!!

Thank you, God, for a successful day for us all. Grant us peace and purpose always, and heal all of us, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

**I only just a few days ago re-learned – because I definitely knew this before – that it is a “chicken coop,” and not a “chicken coupe.” To be fair, I once read a joke, after having already heard my cousin tell it, that kind of made me mess up my spelling of the word.

Relevant joke that is meant to be said and not written: Why doesn’t a chicken coop have four doors? Because then it would be called a chicken sedan.

Though, the written joke had “coop” spelled already as “coupe,” which really messed me up. Also, I never understood the joke, because it was also worded poorly, instead saying something like, ‘Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors? Because otherwise it would be called a chicken sedan.’ I massively struggled with this version of the joke, because I only knew of chicken coops that had just one door. So, the premise alone didn’t make sense to me. Nonetheless, the idea of the joke is cute and comical. Imagining a “chicken sedan,” whatever that is, as well as a “chicken coupe,” is quite a fun game to play in the brain. Give it a go! Vroom-vroom!

Post-a-day 2023

But Why Guns?

Okay, to clarify, as I realized I might never have done so:

I am working on my comfort around and with guns. Why? Because I noticed how utterly uncomfortable and incapable I was with them. Let me explain.

***Note: If you don’t want spoilers for Fifty Shades of Grey, don’t read the following.***

When I read the Fifty Shades of Grey books – yes, I read them eventually, and as audiobooks… not sure I could have continued reading if I’d been reading them as text! – I eventually got to the part where Anna opens Christian’s desk drawer and finds a gun sitting there. Her immediate reaction is that she proceeds to pick up the gun, she checks if it’s loaded, and then she sets it back down in the drawer. At no point does she express any nerves or unease at doing any of this. Her only thoughts are of why he might have the gun in the first place, as it surprised her to find one in his desk drawer.

Initially, I was panicking. I felt like some accident would ensue from her unintentionally mishandling the firearm. But then I remembered that her stepdad, who helped raise her, was a military man who had taught her everything he knew how to do. So, she likely had grown up knowing guns very well and using them comfortably and with ease. She wasn’t being unsafe by picking up this handgun. She was actually been even safer than Christian had likely been with the gun, as she truly knew what she was doing with it and how to handle it safely.

I was awed. When I thought about it, I was certain that I could not have done what she had done – check if it was loaded – even though that was about as simple as it gets with firearms. If I ever were to come across a gun or, God forbid, please, have to fight one away from an attacker, I wouldn’t even know how to pick it up and know that it wouldn’t fire as soon as I touched it. I knew not to touch the trigger itself, but that’s about all I knew. I couldn’t even turn a weapon in to the police if I crossed one. So, how would I make sure no one else came across it on accident, if I didn’t even know how to pick it up and unload it? And, God forbid, if someone were to attack and have a gun, if the gun got loose, how I could pick it up safely and keep it away from the perpetrator, let alone use it for defense, if needed?

What’s more, later in the book, she actually carries the gun with her, fully concealed, and then saves her own life by using it at the right time as she is being attacked by a man who means, likely, to kill her.

My mind was doubly blown by that part, especially considering we the readers don’t even know she has it until she draws it… I think, anyway… Nonetheless, this again brought up that I wouldn’t even know how to go about any single part of that whole scenario, let alone the whole thing. In addition to everything else about it, I just kept wondering how on Earth she knew she wouldn’t accidentally get shot with the gun in her waistband…

This determined for me that I knew too little about firearms and weapons handling.

And, for whatever reason, this weighed heavily on me for years after reading the book. Eventually, I knew I had to do something about it, and somewhat soon.

Last year, I had the opportunity for someone, in the comfort of a home, to show me how to take apart a semi-automatic handgun – think of the most typical black handgun you can imagine, and that’s what that means – and to guide me to do it all myself and put it all back together myself, including unloading and loading each bullet into the magazine.

Once I finished it all, I set the weapon down on the counter and declared I was finished for the day. The weapon was put away directly, and we raked some more about what all we had just done and discussed. It was absolutely terrifying for me, but extremely informative and good for me to do. Talk about having courage… courage was what got me through it all, along with the grace of God. This was important to me to learn – truly learning and getting to know something removes a great deal of fear from it, as history has shown us often, especially with peoples*.

I went through a similar thing with makeup. Once I learned how to do all the fancy stuff – and I do mean all of it – and I was comfortable with it all, I no longer was afraid of wearing make-up. Sure, I actually wear make-up even less now than before all of that, but I have no anxiety around make-up anymore. And I truly only wear it when I want to wear it. And I can pick it up on the fly and do it easily, every time. Basically, that’s how I want to be with guns. I’m not trying to become a competitive shooter and gun-hoarder for any zombie apocalypse or anything. I just want to be able, should the need ever arise, to handle and, if needed, use a firearm both safely and effectively.

Thus my reasons for working on my relationship with guns. I highly encourage everyone to lean into those intense fears that could change your life for the better, let alone possibly save it one day. I believe that, when we learn about what we fear, we have the potential to transform for the better the world that we face every day.

*Yes, I mean that plural use exactly as I wrote it.