I cried at least three times at work today, because of work. Talk about being overwhelmed, and you’re talking about me today. But I managed to let it out as it came up, and then get down to business again and again throughout the day. I spoke a couple times with the teacher for whom I am teaching the first quarter – she’s on maternity leave – and what she had to share with me helped immensely with my stress. I now know somewhat decently what specifically is expected of me regarding content and presentation for class, and I have my next steps clearly in place for tomorrow (and the future classes as a whole). There is much for me to learn regarding the subject matter – Sacred Scripture and Catholicism – and I want to learn it all. But it will take time. And I have a clear plan as to how to do that now. Phew.
I want to do a good job here, as with everything I do. That’s why I’m stressed – because I care so much. But I definitely sat under the desk and cried hard at one point near midday today. So, today was a lot in a lot of ways. I wonder if tomorrow will be quite so emotional…
Dear God, grant me the grace and perseverance to do the amazing job I know you have called me to do here. Help me to fulfill your will fully and wholeheartedly. And help me to see clearly where you want me and need me to go. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Well, we really got some stuff started at school today. I have a computer and can log in to it, and now can log in to all the online things I need to access and use. Still some links on details with some of those, but getting into them in the first place was a big step forward today! I also was given access to a boatload of (organized) files to show me what to do for classes and all – super duper helpful. And I have keys for school and the classroom I’ll be using. Woohoo! (No joke, an HR person seemed very much against the idea of my having keys for anything… you’ll trust me to teach and spend loads of time with the kids, but not to have a key to the classroom or building? Odd to me, anyway! But it worked out in the end! I have zee keys!) Also, I had a good time with the silly human Scrabble ice breaker this morning, which was a positive surprise for me. I felt much more wanted and accepted today as a whole, as several people reached out to check in on me and to support with what hadn’t been appropriately prepared for me.
Went and looked all around – even in trash bins! – for my scrunchie from yesterday, but didn’t find it. Still hopeful, because God can make anything happen! He gave me my keys very easily simply by my going to look for the scrunchie! Trusting that all is perfect and in God’s will here. 😉
Loads to read and learn before class starts later next week. Sticking to not taking work home with me, which I suspect might be a bit difficult this time, now that I have this amazing man and all, whom I want to see and with whom I want to be almost always…but I pray for the needed support from God for this.
Lord, help me to do all that I need, so that I might be an amazing teacher to these students this semester. Help me to learn and study what I need in order to step forward powerfully and confidently into this school year, embodying all that you will in me. In your name, I pray. Amen. And thank you. Amen. Amen. Amen!
Or, well, work, I suppose. Whatever the case, tomorrow is the first day back at school for me for the school year. Yippee! And also a touch of boo-hoo. In-service can be great and can be terrible, for one thing. And summertime can be addicting with the full-on daytime free time and all.
But I think I am ready for it this year. Nervous? Yes. Scared? Yes. A touch terrified? Indeed. But ready? Also a yes.
Dear God, please guide me clearly and powerfully. In your name, I pray. Let’s do this. Amen.
I was a bit nervous leading up to today, as I was going to be subbing with the boys again. It had been a while since I’d been with this school, and I’d gotten accustomed to working with the girls lately. I was slightly afeared.
However, by the end of taking role in my first class of the day, I was clear just how perfect it was that I was there today. I love these boys. Within the first few minutes of class, without even trying, they had made me feel so unequivocally at home, I was feeling a sense of total ease, belonging, and love. Yes, they are dopes. And I absolutely love them for it. Don’t get me wrong here: Girls are great. But there is just something about how I’m made that just has the boys feel so much more right for me. Even as a kid, I was more comfortable playing with and being friends with the boys than with the girls. Perhaps it was due in part to my siblings closest in age being boys. I always felt more distant from my sisters, what with there being a nine-year and 11-year age gap between us. Compare that to the three boys that were only seven, six, and four years older than I was, and it makes a bit more sense that I ended up a total tomboy throughout my childhood. I also just prefer the honesty and directness of males, as well as their willingness to be goofy. That makes a big difference for me, too, and played a big role in my seeking out male friendships over the years and to this day.
Anyway, thank you, God, for this blessing that has been today. It was glorious. May I continue to be part of the beautiful formation You are offering these boys here. In Your name, I pray. Amen.
My mom mentioned to me today something that she read just this past week about reaching for our dreams. The question she gave me was “If you woke up tomorrow, and your dream were fulfilled, what would be the first thing you would notice that told you that your dream had been fulfilled?“
I thought about this question. It somewhat baffled me, because I could not easily come up with an answer. Why is that? Well, if my current dream were fulfilled when I woke up tomorrow morning, I still would start my day the exact same way I do right now. I would get up early and go to the gym. I would exercise with delight and rigor. And then I would head to school. Only at this point would I have the noticeable sign, as the bag I had packed for school would be a bit different and where I showered would be different (at school versus at the gym).
While the exercise was interesting simply for the idea of what one thing would give it away, should my big dream come true, what was more fascinating and valuable to me was that my day would begin the exact same way. Put differently, I am already, in part, living my dream.
And that is quite cool.
Sure, I don’t have the specific work and finances and all the follow-up details and activities that come with those, but the person I am being, the habits I am pursuing… those are already exactly part of my dream life being fulfilled.
So, how do we level up now to the next step in fulfilling this dream? That is the question.
(Just a touch of hesitation now…)
I think God is giving me these desires to spend so much time on teaching-related and school-related stuff lately on purpose. He is helping me to prepare myself.
I do believe.
And I am grateful for it all. It feels good to be here, now. Thank you.
Why do I almost always struggle to get to bed at a decent hour on Sunday nights? I fiddle around all day Sunday, exhausted, and then end up taking forever on something just before bed, getting me off to a dreadful start to the school week. Add to it my buttock and ankle pains on the right side, as well as a full day of classes, including an observation, and we have ourselves a recipe for an extremely tiring and uncomfortable Monday.
God, help me rest well, please.
There was a dance tonight. I chaperoned for it. I had a wonderful time. I got to be social yet not, dance around yet not, be chill, walk around, mingle, walk away from people, people watch, and enjoy the world around me.
And my students often were excited to see and greet me, which was wonderful, too.
It was lovely.
And then, at the end, I got to take home some flowers. That was baller, too. Oh, and a couple t-shirts for the school. Boom. Great night.
Of course, it is not well past 1:00am, and I’m only just about to get to fall asleep…, but, I believe, it was worth it.
Thank you, God and Universe for this opportunity and blessing.
Why must I be so volatile and cyclothymiac, even bipolar, when it comes to my work and to my self-image and, even, to men?
It’s getting to be a tad old school, and I’m quite tired of it, already.
God and Universe, please, help me to ease these extremes in my life, that I be able to create abundant love and joy through my being and doing in this life, sharing your love and joy as we create it together.
P.S. I told a kid today how he was truly wonderful in the musical last weekend. I don’t know the kid – I just recognized him the other day in passing, and intended to tel him about the show, whenever I saw him again. I saw him this morning, possibly as I was handing out breakfast tacos to everyone, and told him then, surrounded by hungry teenagers awaiting their treats. I’m almost certain it made his day, considering the immense grin that resulted, along with his verbal thanks. When I saw him again tonight at a football game, a similar smile produced, with a touch of secret that, I realized, was with me – his gratitude extended even then, and seems likely to last. I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to do such a thing for another, and that I seized the opportunity well. Thank you, all.
I trust that God and the Universe are acting in my best interest, helping me to be my best and highest self. As annoying as that may sometimes be, I still trust them. And I am grateful for their support and guidance.
He said he envied her height. She said that, if he had been taller she would have married him. But then, she wouldn’t have married the man she did marry, and had the children she had. And he wouldn’t have become a priest, and made the difference in the world that he has made in that role.
Thinking on this, it occurred to me that, though I may envy someone something or be jealous of someone for something, I need only remember that my not having that something is actually helping me to do what I am here to do, the make the difference I am here to make. If I had what that other person has, she would not be able to do what she is here to do, and I would not be able to do what I am here to do.
And so, when the World dishes out something specific to me and something specifically envious to someone else, it is intentional. I have what I was given, because that is what will help me to do what I am here to do in this life, both now and in the future.
Even if I did really want that something else (or someone else), the lack of it will prove much more fertile and endeavour than having it would have proven.