Here is an incomplete list of my current stresses:
- I’m not good enough for my man and I am failing at just about everything I agreed to do and wanted to do in our relationship
- I can’t support us financially
- I’m not even contributing financially right now
- I’m not getting through my courses fast enough 1)to be able to do meaningful-to-me work or 2)to contribute financially, let alone 3)to support us financially
- I’m really upset with my body’s current status in terms of fitness
- I feel responsible for the state of fitness and the stress my man has around his state of fitness right now
- I have stupid acne – a kind I haven’t had since high school or college – that showed up on my face, and I can’t seem to shake it
- I have a miniature stress session every night when I have to get ready for bed, because I have to go in and out of what is mentally my safe space after showering (because the sink still hasn’t been replaced)
- I don’t know how to replace the sink myself without messing things up
- Same thing regarding the handle on the drawer in my desk
- I can’t seem to get enough sleep, and so am exhausted most of the day most days
- By being stressed, my body is off-put by the idea of food, making the whole fitness situation even worse
- My gym plays music too loudly now – it wasn’t this loud in the past – including at the classes that actually were still okay just recently
- I have trouble focusing on my work when I’m in the same office/room as my man – he’s too ADHD for me when I’m focusing on something, and it distracts me immensely
- I haven’t sorted out the rest of my stuff after moving it into the house, and so I don’t actually have anywhere else to go to work (that doesn’t cost money)
- Going through all the classes at Church to join the Church officially has kind of off-put my man to Church-related activities outside of Mass on Sundays… which includes marriage prep-type-stuff
- The marriage prep-type stuff feels almost pointless anyway right now, because we’re waiting on that annulment, anyway
- We’re going to keep waiting on that annulment until the other people who agreed to help with it do their part
- People agreed to help with the annulment and are being non-responsive and not showing any care or concern whatsoever at the fact that their participation literally affects our future and our daily lives
- People not responding to things period has been really getting to me lately
- This includes that I invited people to my birthday party, and they didn’t even acknowledge that I did so, let alone show up for the celebration
- Maybe those people don’t need to be in my life right now – also stressful to consider, seeing as how I was the one who picked them to be in my life in the first place…
- Do I just have crappy judgement right now? Or sometimes? Or always?
- Am I even pursuing the right things with my life currently?
- For some reason, I want to marry on a Thursday – Thursdays are important to me. Churches seem only to offer weddings on Saturdays…
- It makes me feel sick even to consider planning for a wedding reception right now, while I cannot contribute financially.
- I don’t want to be around people smoking or who smell of smoke, period.
- I especially don’t want to be touched by or be near such people during parties I am having, including my wedding, nor do I want them smoking at my wedding.
- I don’t like drunk people.
- I don’t want to pay for the creation of drunk people, and I don’t exactly want to pay for anyone’s alcohol at our wedding.
- I haven’t figured out how to share stresses with my man without pissing him off…
- Which stresses me out even more, not being able to share myself openly and just be heard
- My man doesn’t seem to understand that, oftentimes, I just need to say how I feel about something, and that’s enough for me to let it go and be over it.
- My man keeps feeling like he’s wrong or messed up or not enough or something like that, all because of what I say and do
- Why do I keep making him feel that way? What am I doing so wrong?
- Why do we still have gnats in the house?
- My hands are getting drier than ever all of a sudden…
- Why can’t I get all the house stuff DONE already???
- Why can’t I get house stuff and school stuff done, all together in a day, multiple days a week?
- Why do I feel fat and weak and failing at so much right now?
- There’s dog hair on the insides of my house sandals.
- This coffee table we had made in Mexico keeps spitting out bugs that apparently were nested inside of it. There’s yet another one lying on the floor now, this time in the bathroom, across the house from the table and not in the direction of the door to outside (which is where the others have all headed so far).
- My foot hurts, and I don’t know why nor how to fix it.
- I cost too much money.
- That fact kind of makes me dislike myself.
- I feel like I barely get to see and spend time with my man anymore… I miss him. I miss being present together, spending time together intentionally.
- I feel like it’s all my fault.
That’s just what’s on my mind right now, as I get ready for bed.
God, take it all, please. Please, take it. Amen.
I’m getting tired of being so tired, being up so late at night.
It was one thing to see former students of mine growing up, being able to drink alcohol, getting jobs (that inevitably paid more than my own teaching salary at any given time). But seeing them engaged and marrying and having babies is just rough on the gut. And the marrying is one thing that’s already a bit rough. But something about the babies part just makes it hurt on the inside, and kind of a lot.
I know it isn’t about doing things in a set order nor about doing them at any set time in life. I know we all have different paths and lives to follow and to lead. I know all that. Somehow, though, that doesn’t make it not hurt right now…
And I guess that’s okay, just to let it hurt for a little while. It only means that I have something that’s really important to me on my life and to which I very much look forward with love and delight… and that I will have immense gratitude whenever I do reach those points in my life and my journey here.
So, for right now, it just kind of hurts.
How did we as people even get to alcohol in the first place?
Getting things done, but being a night owl doesn’t help improve my sleep schedule when I have things to do. Lots needs to happen … correction: There are lots of things I want to happen before Sunday, for the party (that may or may not happen, depending on the weather). I’m thinking they won’t be done to the desired degree. However, I think I’m okay with that. I just want to have a nice time in celebration of this life I am blessed to live. However, given that certain people likely to attend will not be easy peasy about a house that doesn’t seem to be put together seemingly perfectly, I now find myself aiming to get some bigger things done. Yes, the bedroom will be in no better shape than it is right now, laundry to be done or folded or sorted into where it will be stored for real and all… and there might even be some more in here, too. Plus, we likely still won’t have a functioning sink in our bathroom, which doesn’t make things any easier. However, my man and I both have loads we want to get done that is outside the bedroom and that will be seen.
What all will we get done and how? Dunno. But we shall see.
His legs hurt because he’s been working them out so much. My legs hurt because I’ve been working them out so much. But my legs get all pinch-y and twisted on the inside, limiting my range of motion and use of the muscles as a whole. His legs just hurt so much from lactic acid soreness, he struggles to move smoothly and to be touched… like, at all. Two very different kinds of ache from exercise. One comical and one somewhat serious. After my visit to the chiropractor again this Friday, hopefully the latter will be resolved. And, if the former isn’t better by then, I might just have to poke him a few times, just to see a grown man squirm and squeal like a child. 😛
For some unknown reason, Costco doesn’t carry the amazing towels they have carried for years anymore. The replacements don’t look promising in person. I think they also cost more… by about 38%. I shall check again when I go to the store at the end of the week (to get final stuff for my birthday party that is happening this Sunday) and confirm this price difference. I then likely will purchase one more set of the amazing towels from online (only a dollar and a penny in shipping cost). I haven’t yet decided what to do about the new ones – do I try a pair and return if we don’t love them??
We shall see. First step is the pricing. Check that, then proceed with next evaluation of what to do.
Can you even imagine someone not finding this situation to be ‘a situation’? This is a big deal. How could someone not see this as a big deal?? Having good towels is extremely important in life. A bad towel just makes for a bad day (or night, depending on when one showers), I’m telling you. 😛
Apparently, I have been carrying around some heavy sh** for a very long time, because, when she died those micro current gloves on me today, it felt like a demon was being evicted from my body… goodness gracious.
God, please, continue to heal me. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Tonight, we said goodbye to RodeoHouston until next year. We hung in the wine garden, meandered and looked at school art in Center, hung in a couple clubs to have drinks and watch the rodeo, went into the Stadium to watch more of the rodeo and then Luke Bryan’s concert – including his current dad-bod – in great seats, ate some grilled meats and a funnel cake using our discounted food cards, had drinks and danced in one of the clubs, and then wandered around in the crisp and cool air after they closed down the club and kicked out everyone – and I still managed to be gifted a couple extra drink tickets that I never got to use, which was exciting!
My man danced with me – real dancing – and it was spectacular. It was spectacular.
He also danced with my friend who was with us. And he danced with this other lady. Her friend came up and asked us if she could borrow my man, not for herself but for her friend, just for one song. I told him it was a polka, and he then accepted the request – he could do polka decently enough for the task. I told the lady it was a polka and that it was just triple steps the whole time. They succeeded in dancing together. While they danced, the original lady who’d made the request explained to us that her friend had wanted to dance at least once. However, she was worried about guys grinding on her and humping her. So, her friend had said they just need to get a respectable guy. ‘He looks like a respectable guy and like he knows what he’s doing out here,’ she said about my man. ‘As long as she doesn’t get her ass smacked and tits grabbed, she’s good,’ she said about her friend. Fair enough, ma’am. Fair enough. 😛
Anyway, so, we had a great night. We used the rest of our drink tickets. We used a couple extra drink tickets that were given to us. We got to have a small adventure, the three of us (and my mom and stepdad earlier in the day, until we went into the stadium – they’d stayed in the club to watch the whole rodeo before going home). And it was really great.
Thank you, God. Thank you. Please, continue to keep us safe. In your name, we pray. Amen.
It is time to start being who I am here to be, who I have worked so hard these past years to become. I have been afraid recently. I have doubted both myself and God. Life had become inexplicably difficult and stressful, despite pursuing and fulfilling hopes and dreams and wishes and prayers… it wasn’t lining up.
But I had grown afraid and begun to doubt my god and my self. It always grows incredibly difficult when either of those happens, and I’ve had both sets of doubt lately.
So, I grant myself permission to let it all go and to ask God to take it all from me and for me.
Dear God, here you go: have it all. I have been so afraid lately, and have trusted you only in part. Help me to trust you fully as I hand this all over to you. My life is yours. I am somewhat terrified, and I still trust that you love me and will provide for my being my best self. If the answer to my prayer is not a, “Yes,” I know it is because you have something better coming. I give this all to you now. Keep it, please. Your will be done. And help me to do it, please. Keep us safe and loved and loving throughout it all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.