Well, I was shut down and crushed in one area this week. But then I was praised and respected in another. The boys – I suppose they are technically men, though their brains, I think, are not fully developed [not being by mean here – that’s a real thing] yet – officially requested to be my friends. I am to change the group chat name from ‘“Buddies”’ to something with “friends” in it, whenever I consider them to be friends of mine, instead of just acquaintances and buddies. And yes, the word buddies is in quotes in the actual name. No, I did not do that myself. 😛
Anyway, they expressed the need for vulnerability in friendships, and so I offered up a good chunk of that in our group chat, after our adventures together tonight, and I shared what I had written about the abuse I experienced in college.
Little girl in me is crushed – fairly certain he’s in a relationship. 😭😭😭
Correction: I think he is, and that hurts as much as being fairly certain.
Ugh… I supise it isn’t actually that big of a deal. However, it is causing me to have to deal with a lot of negative emotions and engrained thoughts around the idea of my not being good enough, not worth it. If I really were good enough, they wouldn’t reject me, right? That’s the main feeling today. Of course, part of me still hopes that what I discovered today was misinterpreted (by me, of course). However, allowing the large possibility of my having interpreted accurately, there is a part of me that is grateful to God for having shown it to me today. I only just spoke openly about my interest to anyone yesterday, and this happenstance felt like the world’s reply, in a way. Because many things kept going oddly, in order for me to end up exactly where I was when I was there, and for me to see exactly what I saw. 30 seconds difference, even, could have shown me something entirely different. But the Universe wanted me there at that exact moment, and so I was. Now, I must let go and let God – it will be all revealed in time, as is needed for my life to be the beautiful blessing that I am here to create with God and the Universe. Dearest cosmos, please, help me to release this pain.
And God and Universe, thank you.
Alas, the adventure has begun: I am taking on reading the novel Shogūn (technically pronounced as ‘show goon’, but usually pronounced as ‘show gun’ in English) by James Clavell. Perhaps, after I finish the 1100+ pages (or 65 audiobook tracks), I might watch the show about which I have heard much in my life (mostly from my mother).
I finally made it happen tonight, and I got back into doing crossword puzzles. Yippee!
I messaged the buddy who got me into them in the first place, and we both got on Zoom to do the e-puzzle for the LA Times online together. Started with a Monday, because it has been a while for both of us. Then we jumped to today’s puzzle, a Wednesday, and had a grande ole time. It feels good to be a nerd, and it feels really good to be a nerd with someone else doing the same thing with me.
I look forward to our next puzzle(s) together in the very near future!
P.S. Happy feast day of St. Jude, October 28!! He’s my confirmation Saint.
I dressed as a student in uniform today for the Halloween dress-up day. It absolutely threw loads of people off all day long. It was wonderful.
Remember to stay in touch with your silly side, folks, and embrace the fun in life. We have to be strong and withstand loads, but it all just flows so much better when we remain holistically whole, and we remember to play.
It seems like every time we do a lot of Russian kettle bell swings in a week at the gym, I end up with a really sore lower back, and it clamps up on pain unexpectedly at times when I bend over, though not every time, of course. Am I perhaps doing them incorrectly? The coaches and owner always approve of my technique and movement. I always check the boxes mentally in what muscles are tight when and whatnot. And they always feel great when doing them. And yet I end up really sore a few days later. Perhaps it is merely that I am doing them right, and so it is easy in the moment for me to do loads of them. Only later do I discover how much work I really did… not sure yet.
At the very least, my pursuit of the Russian language is feeling much better than my body is regarding the Russian kettle bell swings. This pursuit has proven to be surprising, as well, but it is surprisingly fun and delightfully satisfying. No real pains with that bit of Russian. 😛
In middle school, I discovered that my love of stickers could be used I my advantage. I already stuck fruit stickers on me, whenever I peeled them off of my fruit, and the sticker kind of went wherever was most handy on the moment and wouldn’t easily get stuck on something else as I continued moving about in my day. So, that meant usually the backs of my hands or, if in shorts, the tops of my thighs had at least one fruit sticker on any given afternoon. However, I liked the idea of putting stickers in one’s cheek/s, as fellow classmates did (though with normal stickers, not fruit label stickers). And so, I started doing that, too. And then, I started strategically placing the face fruit stickers directly over bad acne spots. I don’t know if others saw through my disguise, but it certainly helped me relax a bit, especially when I looked on the mirror and didn’t see a massive red spot anymore, but a cute fruit sticker instead.
Nowadays, I’m slightly amazed at be fact that the germs of it didn’t freak me out, but I wasn’t so far into the OCD world back then. My body still had much development and hormonal explosions in store for me.
However, I do still stick fruit stickers onto my skin, following my original methods. Today, my arm was closest, so it won, even though it wasn’t the best surface for a sticker to stay stuck. Nonetheless, that persimmon sticker brought me much joy each time I noticed it. There’s something fun in the silliness of having a sticker period, and an extra degree of fun at the fact that it is, of all stickers, a sticker from a piece of fruit.
I love it. And I look forward to many more fruit stickers stuck to my body parts in the future. 😛
– In honor of your desired night of spirited gaiety – Also now what is that because it looks aesthetically pleasing
– Frothed, and with the ‘red hot kick’ – Okay wow that actually sounds really good And that’s despite my deep-seated trauma with fireball – Well, it wasn’t even technically name brand Catch Fire, perhaps Haha But it was delightful Oh, and fresh nutmeg on top, because duh – I mean yea if you’re gonna pull out all the stops then you’ve gotta have the nutmeg at that point I am now less triggered since it’s not “real” fireball – Good Because it was good
I love being ridiculous, and I love when ridiculous people join my life.
God, bless the people who are astute and thereby share their love through offering gentle distraction from getting lost in our heads with spiraling worries, when we need it most. You gave me one of those people this week, and it was an utter blessing – thank you. Please, bless him as he blessed me, and then some.