Skin and Clothes

Okay, so this time all on my own and with my lonesome thoughts has been tough and uncomfortable on me…

๐Ÿ™‚

In a way, Iโ€™ve been totally fine, yet Iโ€™ve been kind of a total mess – Iโ€™ve had to sit in some really uncomfortable space emotionally, and, not having any distractions from life has really given me the conscious opportunity to be okay with the discomfort. :/

So, though it has sucked, it has been good for me as a person, I believe… and it will continue to be better and better for me, so long as I persist is allowing the emotions to happen and then to disappear after being heard.

Also, I desperately miss hugs and physical contact right nowโ€ฆ another really stressful point for me that has been bringing up a lot of history for meโ€ฆ, yet a good opportunity for me to learn to be my best self, even in the face of no agreement from the world.

I am finally doing a bit of genuine work for work, as of yesterday, and not just waiting around for e-mails most of the day, however, my time has passed greatly in the pursuit of playing music (learned to play the harmonium!), listening to music, making malas, making an art journal, painting, walking, cycling, checking on my friendโ€™s cat for her, cooking and eating food, exercising, sitting on the porch swing, working on photos, watching(?) a few movies, reading books, daydreaming like no other, reminiscing, eating loquats off the tree out frontโ€ฆ, and I started a puzzle todayโ€ฆ to name a few of my activities ๐Ÿ˜‚

That vein said, this has really been a wonderful time lately of me exploring my self-expression in my wardrobeโ€ฆ one area where I do feel comfortable and at ease.

I just put on what I genuinely want to wear each morning, and I donโ€™t even have a thought of concern when I have to go outside or to the store – I am comfortable and confident in my clothes, and excited by each outfit, every dayโ€ฆ and delighted at how varied it all is, and at how I find myself chuckling at times, when I see how much skin is (potentially) visible – I never would have Dared wear such an outfit as some of these before, even at homeโ€ฆ let alone Out in the world!

Yet, todayโ€™s outfit was just the same: I dressed how I truly wanted to dress this morning, having true fun in picking out the pieces, and then I had to go to two grocery stores…, and I never even considered a need to change clothes or anything, because I was already so okay with what I was wearing – of course it was fine to wear in public.

And so, I publicked in it, I laughed when I realized how I couldnโ€™t possibly have worn or even considered this outfit in the past, and I was overjoyed at my clear progress in this realm of my life.

The outfit:

I know it isn’t exactly scandalous, but that’s exactly the point: It isn’t scandalous – just great, and it happens to show skin (especially when the wind blows).

And I love and loved it.

So, yeah…, there’s that for joy from today and these past couple weeks. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post-a-day 2020

Friday night sucks…

Letโ€™s talk for a minute about how we live into the future…

You know, on any given weekend, Sunday is kind of the sucky day of the weekend, because we are acutely aware of having to go back to business Monday morning… and then, if we have a vacation coming up, weโ€™re overjoyed and excited all the time, all throughout the day, even if it is Monday morning, and we have work to do…, because our vacation is soon(!)… The boring meeting right now has no power over our cruise that starts Saturday morning…

In that sense, we live into our future, right?

Right.

So, for me, I need to be around people – I need to have my solo time, but I also need to be with people, really be with them… a friend(?) recently mentioned the term โ€œambivertโ€ to me, and I like it… it very well describes my situation with all of this being extroverted and introverted…, which people almost never seem to understand, by the way…

Anyway, I need people in my life.

For the past two weeks, I have been living with very few people in my daily life… it was enough to get me by last week and the start of this week, but then the working from home this week has crushed all interactions with people in my daily life now…

However, I had work to get me through the week, e-mails to exchange, interactions (though cyber) guaranteed to be had throughout the day…

But tomorrow is Saturday… I have no work, no e-mails, no semblance of human interaction…

And I am miserable… I almost – scratch the almost, I feel like weeping, I am filled with such an experience of stress and of being unloved…

There is that beautiful quote of, โ€œI have called you by name; you are mine,โ€ and, though it is used initially as defining a part of the relationship between God and humanity, I feel it applies to how we interact with all things and beings in our life… when I have called you by name, given you a name of my own, I have given you a place in my heart, and you are dear to me – in some way or other, you are mine.

When people interact with me, call me by name, I often am filled with the love that is present in our relationship, whatever that relationship may be… essentially, when people interact so directly with me, I feel and experience their love for me.

In contrast, when people do not interact with me directly…, I sometimes lose sight of that love…, I sometimes begin to convince myself that the love has faded, and that I am left to myself, to be loved by no one else…

And the experience of that always sucks.

Just saying, it does.

And I know that my love is enough, and I know that the pieces of God that reside within me are enough to sustain me and fill me in every way…

That doesnโ€™t mean it doesnโ€™t suck to feel unloved by the rest of the world.

I know I will be okay… I will be far more than okay…

Iโ€™m just letting myself experience this overwhelming feeling of sick right now, so that, in acknowledging it, in allowing the intense, hiding yet ebbing emotions to express, I am able to let it all go, to release it all in a cathartic convulsing of body and searing tears…

It is already late tonight, but I know that I will go to bed in an intentionally much improved state…, and I will get out of bed in the morning and take care of myself – I will play music and make art and work my body as hard as it needs to release anything else that might remain in the morning… if I cannot focus my love on others, perhaps there is something missing in my love for myself, something on which I would do well to improve… I am worth loving, and I know that and experience that with my whole being… even when I stray to wonder at its being true…

Nonetheless, I will take care of myself… I will do what I wish others would do to show their love for me, because I love me, and I am worth being loved (and even lavished), and being all alone for so long and for so much foreseeable future is scary right now…

But perhaps it is this problem exactly that has me in this situation… perhaps I need to grow more comfortable with providing all the love on my own, so that I become fully clear and comfortable in the fact that I do not need the othersโ€™ love – I merely want it.

As I was thinking in a dreamed conversation just today, do you really want to be with someone who needs you?… Would you really choose that over being with someone who wants to be with you?

I have said it before, and it still holds true entirely, I want to be with someone – in all my relationships, really – who doesnโ€™t need me, but who wants to be with me nonetheless… who wants not to be without me, and so chooses to be with me.

It is in times of these feelings of isolation that I wonder where the people in my life stand on this spectrum, to what degrees they want me in their lives…

I have yet to find the far edge of the spectrum of wanting me…, but perhaps it will come some day… soon…

Anyway, Iโ€™m off to clean up and get ready for bed, now that Iโ€™ve finished this whole cry fest… who would have thought that Friday night and an entirely open weekend ahead could be so upsetting??

Haha

Anyway, this was how I spent my evening: eating fancy stew straight from the pot, while watching the first half of one of my favorite films, which was just recently gifted to me for my birthday, all while detachedly wondering about something that wonโ€™t seem to leave me alone lately… (I mean, what are you gonna do, right?… itโ€™s like when a song gets stuck in my head… just let it ride, and it eventually will be replaced by something [hopefully] better, you know?)

Post-a-day 2020

Skin patrol

Letโ€™s talk about clothes for just a minute.

In my life, I have often wondered with fascination at the girls and women who show skin other than arms and lower legs when in public (or even in private, but with others present!)… how could they do that?… how could they be comfortable with that, with people seeing so much of them, their bodies, their skin?… how could they even consider wearing such an outfit?…

And then, there was also, without fail, this tiny voice, afraid to speak, even in a whisper from the shadows, that cautiously murmured, โ€˜Could I ever do that?โ€™

After going through a whole series of this and thats regarding negative experiences with my own body image, and with men as a whole, I was eventually certain that such clothing options were only for the harlots and hoes… at least, thatโ€™s what I would be, if I wore such things….

But then, fast-forward another few or couple years to today: I have really sorted through that stuff – intense stuff – and I am in no way in the same space as I was before… I am seemingly not even the same person l (though, who I am deep down is, of course, the same).

As I mentioned, the other day, I wore an outfit that I had dreamed of wearing in the past, but could not fathom its being truly possible that I could wear it…

(And yet, I had the dress… something within me wanted it badly enough, dreamt of it strongly enough, for me to own the dress… I just never really expected to wear it, I think… it was always just a dream…)

Yesterday, when dressing, I found myself wanting to wear this shirt I have had for years – it was in the same scenario with that lovely dress from last weekend – but have never worn… Without thinking much of it or about it, I pulled on the shorts I had planned, added the appropriate bra and the shirt, and continued on in my morning activities… and I knew that I would be seen by people throughout the day… I was fully aware…. including people I know.

It wasn’t until that night that it occurred to me what had happened… including the significance of it.

Today, I had to do the grocery store.

To dress for it, I dropped my PJs, grabbed clothes that had not yet been folded and that would be warm enough for this rainy day and the grocery store, but not hot or uncomfortable…

And this is what I went out wearing:

My lower belly – the skin all the way around – was visible to varying degrees, depending on how the sweater hung… the sweater is holy by design, and, though my skin tone blends with the brown of the sweater, it was totally showing all throughout the sweater, because I had only a light gray sports bra under it, no shirt… the leggings jeans pants things show every angle of my legs and butt… and my hair was pulled up and it of the way, allowing even more skin to show all around my neck, upper back, and the v-neck cut of the sweater on my chest…

And I didn’t… even… worry about it…

Not one bit.

Sure, I pulled my pants up a couple times after squatting or whatever, and they had been pulled down somewhat… but otherwise…, I was genuinely unconcerned about how much skin was visible on my body, how much my body was noticeable.

It all just felt so normal…

When I realized this all, I couldn’t help but smile with genuine delight.

I think I am free… of whatever this mind game was that held me so tightly and for so long… Finally…, I am myself, and I can breathe…

I don’t want to dress like this every day…., but I want to dress like this when I want to dress like this… and the free is finally released from me, and I can act comfortably and confidently in my dressing… at long last, and after so much hard work, I am free…

How lovely… ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

Post-a-day 2020

What about me?

In the midst of a deep, emotional, intense, and honest conversation, she pauses, contemplating… then adds, “How can you not be fascinated by me?….

“I’m fascinated by me(!).”

She is, indeed, quite fascinating, and they both know it fully – no one who knows her well would or could disagree…

But putting it that way just sounds ridiculous, and neither of them can help but to break into laughter at this dual awareness of truth and irony.

Post-a-day 2020

The sighs of helplessness

‘Hey. What are you up to?’

Big sigh… ‘Lying on the floor of my kitchen, eating mushrooms, and listening to “The Lion King” in French…’

‘…Ah-ha…because?’

‘I suppose I am contemplating life in all of this, but I’m not entirely sure how I ended up on the floor…’ sigh…

‘… Okay…’

…..

So, how is your afternoon going? :/

Post-a-day 2020

Every bit counts

I found myself going all sorts of places with negative thoughts the past few days, but then I realized and remembered something very important:

Even in the smallest of things, if people do not love and embrace and accept me for me, then those people are just not the people to be in my life.

Period.

And I am totally worth it.

It sucks when people don’t get that I am, and especially so when everyone except the people I want to get it get it…, but I am so worth it, I really needn’t worry… The love will come on its own, so long as I trust and allow myself to be true to who I am.

It keeps proving true, more and more so, every time I do it.

Inhale::::::: Exhale:::::::: Just Breathe, and be who I am… all will be well.

๐Ÿ™‚

P.S. The bread thing happened again tonight… ::face palm

Post-a-day 2020

Wanna be… me

Tonight, for what I believe to have been the first time in my life, I confidently and utterly comfortably – even somewhat proudly – wore a womanly, beautiful, sexy dress that showed off my body (tastefully yet subtly)… at one point, a friend complimented me and asked if I had a hot date, I was so appropriately dressed (“I wish,” I replied, and he jokingly offered to take up the position.. which may or may not have been just a joke.).

I was honored and appreciated by his comments and by those of others, and I was so happy to be so comfortable – I felt entirely myself – it would have been overwhelming, if it hadn’t felt just so right.

Tonight, I was the woman I want to be… I said what I wanted to say, the way I wanted to say it and to the people I wanted to say it; I stood up for myself to myself and the world around me; I was at ease; I was a delight to those with whom I interacted; I was beautiful and sexy to behold…, and it was all without trying to be.

I just was myself.

I had two moments of consideration at which points I dismissed easily my thoughts of taking the ‘safe’ route, and I elected easily to remain true to myself and to do what truly works for me, the true me.

Frankly, I like this woman, and I want to be friends with her… she was so amazing… which reminds me: I am amazing, and I did a beautiful job of being entirely myself tonight, tears and love and sexy and smiles and all.

This was an empowering night for my life, and I am extremely grateful for the experience.

I look forward to being my gorgeous, attractive, beloved self tomorrow, too… and each day and night afterward, as well…

At last, I see that we can do this, Banana, and I believe it with my whole being… we really can do this. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post-a-day 2020