Sure, he’s attractive.
But, after all these years, why have we never dated, you want to know?
Because too many of his actions are consistent with ones that would belong to a description of someone defined by our culture as “a douche”.
Tonight, a very good dancer told me, ‘I love watching you dance… you’re just so… free…’
It was an extreme compliment, coming from a very good dancer, but it also had me wonder why she selected the words she did, specifically “free”.
I’ve never had anyone come up with a reasonable descriptor for describing my dancing, but, the more I think about it, the more her words seem to make sense to me.
I don’t necessarily feel free when I am dancing…
However, I do dance with abandon and I let all rules and judgements just fall away from me, because they have no place in dancing for me (at least, not anymore, though they did for a little while, back in the day).
I don’t even give most concerns a thought, let alone my attention.
So, while I don’t necessarily experience being “free” while dancing, I suppose it can be seen as being similar to the concept of there being a “free from”, a “free of”, and a “free to” in life… different types of freedom to experience.
And my dancing freedom is not so much a ‘free to do as I please’ freedom, as it is a ‘free from constraints’ freedom.
Anyway… thoughts tonight…
Sometimes I wonder why I consider myself ‘not worth it’ for myself…
There are many wonderful meals I could prepare at any time, and yet I almost always wait for company actually to make any of them…
There are loads of beautiful and exciting and wonderful spots to visit in my area, and yet I rarely pursue any of them without an accomplice…
Yes, it is wonderful to share things and experiences with others, the good- and the bad-feeling events…, but why do I never measure up as being worth going to do those wonderful things, to see those things that I want to see in the first place?
I declare confidently to the world that I am worth it, whatever the situation, and yet my actions show that something within me believes that I am only worth it when it comes to other people… never for myself.
I don’t have an answer or solution… and I’m not sure I need one, either… I just wonder about it sometimes…
People always talk about their type, like in dating.
I’ve never really had a definitive type of my own, though I’ve tried really hard to find it.
However, I’ve discovered a pattern as I’ve thought it through this past year and a half.
The more I travel and learn about other cultures, the more diverse my likes become, not just in things but in people and in partners, too.
The only commonality, it seems, is that they are all human and they all have great teeth… otherwise, the differences abound. 🙂
So, I guess a lot more of our taste in partners than I’d ever expected really does have to do with nurture, and not just nature.
A man commented today that I am beautiful, and that I have come more alive and clear in my eyes lately.
And he meant it.
And he wasn’t trying to get anything out of me.
He was just being honest about what he saw and experienced.
And he restated it a couple times.
And it felt really, really good.
Because I know he meant it and had no ulterior motive.
It seems that I have a sort of high school crush. That is to say, if I were in high school right now, I would have a total crush on this musical theatre guy. For whatever reason, I noticed his photo and name in a program a few years ago, and have remembered him ever since, always recognizing his face and name, both in the program and actually up on the stage. (I think I overheard some family members of his once, and so checked the program to see whom they were talking about doing so well in his musical theatre goals. That sounds familiar.)
Anyway, it’s been so long and it has happened so gradually, I didn’t even notice when I started getting excited any time I saw him in a program. Fast forward to tonight, and I was actually a bit giddy when I saw his picture and name. I had a casual fan girl moment when he passed me as I walked to the bathroom during intermission. And it was not actual freak-out or anything – I merely smiled and considered how I would have freaked out and jumped up and down and all if I actually had been in high school, and if this were a real crush.
Nonetheless, I am delighted for this guy and his obviously progressing career in musical theatre – and his obviously progressing muscle mass – and it is exciting to recognize someone in all of these shows, even if I haven’t met him and I don’t actually know him. Just his name and his talent…
Plus, it’s quite likely that he is gay, making it all the more like my old high school crushes – the best and most desireable guys always seemed to be gay back then. (And I’m not so sure that that has changed much since then, actually…)
Q: What do you want to do tomorrow?
A: Spend the day at home in my own room, napping.
Hashtag (haha) periods while on vacation