Beautiful, even with all the struggles

Today, I am just going to write.

I have been quite frustrated off and on lately… and that has led me to be even more frustrated. ¬†ūüėõ ¬†I recently saw my life from the eyes of, I guess, someone else, and discovered that it¬†is the stuff of dreams. ¬†I have no reason to complain about my life, or even to be dissatisfied. ¬†And yet, here I am, being frustrated and upset, and wanting to complain anyway. ¬†What’s with that?

I went on a beach adventure with some new friends recently, and a mini-series of unfortunate events and momentary bad decisions led me to an actual life-threatening experience. ¬†No, the two of us did not die (obviously), and we didn’t actually end up in hospital or anything. ¬†However, we were rather banged up and bloody, and the slightest difference in our actions could have left us in either or both situations (that is, in the hospital and/or dead).

Nonetheless, I required myself to get something out of the experience, to see something new for myself and my life.  What I have found so far, is that there are many places where I am not being true to myself, where I am not being authentic and fully self-expressed in my life.  (Not that this was actually news to me, but I am seeing them all now from the eyes of someone out to do something about it.)

Of course, these areas all seem to be directly linked to the points where I want to complain and cry about my life.

Example: I feel uninspired and unfulfilled with work – well, have I actually sat down and created what I truly want to have my work be for long-term, how I want my work to look? ¬†Nope. ¬†I have done a fabulous job of finding something¬†to escape my complaints with my previous work. ¬†Out of the context of ‘This job sucks for me; how could I take a break from working?’, I found myself jetting across the world on another adventure.

The fact that I’m somewhat painfully uninspired by my complete lack of work to do while required to be at work¬†only makes perfect sense¬†– I wanted ‘not work’. ¬†I wanted a break from work. ¬†And that’s exactly what I got: I’m getting paid to learn a new language and culture, and to share my language with others, however they ask¬†me to share it. ¬†Definitely not something I consider to be work.¬†(Though talk about having to let go of being in charge! ¬†Wowzer.)

Now, the moment I see this adventure as my long-term job, I hate my job.  However, remembering that this is my created chance to figure out what I want to do next about work completely transforms my daily life.  With that in mind, I am left with the space actually to create exactly what I want, as well as enjoy each day for what it is, right here and now.

And this isn’t just for work. ¬†I am here, as I said months ago, ‘to figure out what I want to do with myself… now, next, and in life as a whole.’ ¬†All those areas of my life that seem to be an off-and-on struggle right now, actually are covered by this scope of ‘What do I do with myself?’

So, my new question is: What do I put in place as a means of wondering into my future and creating who, how, and where I want to be, and what I want to be doing?  By working on this question in particular, I get to develop ideas and then actions to take, which will disappear my current reasons for complaint.

That being said, I will figure out tonight, before I go to sleep, exactly how I want to do this. Seeing as how I am very good at procrastinating for large things, I believe it will be five to ten minutes each day, where I sit down with a notebook entitled “My Future, Created”, and write. ¬†Whatever comes up, I just write about it, and I keep always in mind that I am creating my future here, that my words are turning clouds of evasive thought into concrete ideas, to be then turned into reality by¬†my actions and ways of being.

(Plus, the way things usually go for me, as soon as I begin doing something about it all, things are just handed to me. ¬†I recently said, ‘I’m going to try this teaching thing,’ and then began an online course for certification. ¬†A week later, without having sought out anything, I had a job offer teaching, with no certification required. ¬†This is part of the beauty of how my life works.)

So…¬†life is beautiful. ¬†And I happen to be off work in 2 minutes, at which time I shall bolt to my wifi-free apartment; ¬†furniture awaits me in boxes, and I am ready to put it all together and finish creating my new living space. ¬†(The next step in loving my new daily life, I suppose!) ¬†ūüôā ¬†No matter what, though, life¬†always will be what I create it¬†to be – it’s completely up to me. ¬†ūüėõ ¬†So, I choose to create life as¬†beautiful, even with all of the struggles. ¬†ūüėÄ


The Stuff of Dreams



Grateful to be Alive