Month: August 2021

The fittest

Sometimes, I think nature is unfair. The Darwinism inside of us thinks only of certain degrees of fitness, when it evaluated those around us. It cares little for whether someone is emotionally available, or anything like that. It cares almost exclusively for the breeding power of the individual. And so, every time I ovulate, I get a terminator-style analysis presented to me of every single male I cross, declaring his ranking on the scale of positive breeding potential…, with absolutely no concern as to whether I actually want to have such an analysis… on any of them, let alone all of them.

But such is life, it seems.

One plus, I suppose, is that I would be well aware of whom to seek out, should we have a population crisis, and we needed to rebuild the population ASAP. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

I see you

Do I write poetry?
Or does poetry write me?
Or, perhaps, I write poetry,
and poetry rights me…

I experience an extreme
lack of understanding
from the people I meet.
They do not see me
almost at all,
though they believe
that they see all.

If I cannot express simply
who I truly am,
how could someone else define me
with just a glance?

Ender said it,
and I felt it, because
How can you judge me,
If you do not first know me?
And how can you know me,
If you do not first love me?

It is little wonder
i feel so alone.
I’m surrounded by judgements,
So,
barely seen,
barely loved,
barely known.

But by myself.

Post-a-day 2021

The wild life

Tonight, I partied hard.
Well, sort of. Tonight, I went to an open hoise for a circus arts place to see my friend perform. Afterward, I got to learn some basics on the lyra. Both were spectacular.
After that, she and I joined a few of her circus world friends for their late dinner. I then checked if someone I knew who frequented the restaurant-bar across the street happened to be around. This was the second Saturday in a row that I ended up in a place right next-door to that restaurant-bar. This time, I was on the other side of it from last week. However, he was not there this week either.
So, the circus friend and I headed over to the house of two of the people from the late dinner. We hung out there together, and partly worked on the beginning of a stressful puzzle. Once I had accomplished something satisfying, I went home. It was after one in the morning. I haven’t been out so late doing things in I don’t know how long. I am utterly exhausted right now, but I’m still working on everything I need to do before I can go to bed comfortably. I was on a Zoom hangout briefly, on the way to the house of the people, and the people on the call were laughing at how I was out and about so late at night. It was already around 11 PM, and I typically am in bed by 9 PM at the latest.  we all found it hilarious that I had been surprised to see so many people out walking around in the area. It was my own neighborhood, and I had had no idea that so many people were out walking around so late on a Saturday night. It certainly makes sense, but that didn’t make it any less surprising, seeing as how I had never seen it happen until tonight.
All in all, it was a very nice night, but it went way too late for my taste. Nonetheless, I am glad I participated in it so fully. Thank you, God and Universe, for this opportunity. Now, I pray that I be able to rest fully tonight, despite the fact that it is currently after 3 AM, which is practically when I normally wake up every day.
Post-a-day 2021

Music

I wrote another song this week. I was hesitant to share it with the public, as my opinions are not exactly the most vocally common… However, I felt that it was the piece of love that I needed to share with the world right now, and so I sucked it up, let it all go, and shared the song. The following is all I said with it.

“I was deeply distraught regarding many, many experiences, both firsthand and secondhand, recently, and I finally started to write about it on Sunday. My frustrations came out in verse, as has been common for years for me. As I wrote them, I was able to release them, and was left, instead of with despair, with the hope of stepping into something of value and filled with love. These words were what was left filling the page, and _________ asked for some ukulele… So, here we have another ukulele song! ;)”

Post-a-day 2021

Organized

You know, I sometimes feel extremely disorganized, but then, when I pause to think about it, I realize that I am very much not disorganized, not in the least. Really, I’m just lazy, and I don’t want to out in the work to make things run more smoothly and to have them appear to all, myself included, as organized. So, instead, I roll through everything in my head, and I have it all organized there, but rarely so out in the world around me.

And so, now that I’m teaching again, I’m wondering if I wouldn’t mind teaching for real again, if I just took the darn time to sit down and organize everything out on paper for the whole four years of coursework. If I did that, I think I might love teaching and be fulfilled by it in a way that I never was before. There was too much strain and stress to meet goals and standards and to figure things out quickly along the way. But, if I weren’t so lazy, it might save me loads of stress and hassle and strain for years, and, therefore, be worth the effort…

But do I really want to teach for years?

Post-a-day 2021

Where’s the beach?

That moment of ironic joy when the guy who was attempting to grab a girl’s attention by flexing 1) makes the girl laugh, and then 2) is shown up 1000 times over by the guy sitting next to him who just happened to play along with the silliness… And we’re talking the skinny-boy comedic rendition of flexing from the former, and then the genuine, ‘Oh, wow…’, ‘Those are real man muscles,’ kind of flexing from the latter.

What a great thing to be able to witness. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

You’re the best around

I had a hunch that my friend was extremely good at the acrobatic aerial work she has been doing these past few years, though I hadn’t seen her practice since she started really practicing kind of as a full-time hobby and part-time job a few years ago. She was already a natural in her early days, and not kept getting better and better. Even as a semi-newbie, she was still asked to perform with seasoned individuals in circus performances of varied types. Now, she is several years into it all, and a few years into major practice and work.

Tonight, as I watched her practice for real for the first time in years, I saw what I expected to see in her actions and skills and grace and success, of course. But I also saw in the faces and in the comments of the others present, those practicing and teaching others, what I had long suspected: she is spectacular. Even the owner of the gym had her students stop to watch, she knew it would be worth their time to observe. Of course, when everyone inevitably commented to and lauded her about it all, she was extremely humble and grateful for their kind comments, likely feeling they were over exaggerated. Though, they most certainly were not – she is just that good and that humble.

I am extremely grateful to be friends with her, and I am so proud of her for all that she has accomplished in this field. She has become one of the best around, all through her own hard work and dedication. Anyone who has the opportunity to be her student is supremely blessed to be a le to work with someone so loving and gentle and caring, yet also so supremely talented and effectively self-trained.

Post-a-day 2021

Speaking of friends

Talk about friendship… I just sent this message to someone who has only more recently entered into my life:

Please, take this the best way possible:

1) I purposely fully undressed before brushing my teeth (before showering) tonight, because I felt like you would be proud.
2) I likely will think of you close to 90% of the time I walk around without underwear on from now onward.

Just wanted you to know 😂

Clearly I love and trust her.

I went to a late dinner tonight – though, I only had churros, and intentionally so* – with two other younger adults, early twenties. Afterward, the girl was discussing how she was annoyed at the guy’s behavior, that he was rude and that the dinner was pointless.

I disagreed with her. I told her that I felt the guy was lonely. He invited us to hang out for a quick dinner, as he put it, and then he told us that he had plans for afterward. When just he and I had been hanging initially, I really enjoyed hearing all about his work and his passion for it. I think he’s a really nice guy who wants to be loved and accepted, and is a bit lonely, and is still working on how to handle all of that.

She said to me, “That’s a really mature way of thinking about it.”

My first thought, after my initial stun, of course, was, Well, duh…

The irony of that thought did not evade me. 😛

Having observed her behavior at the dinner and time the three of us were together, and listened to her words and her guidance of the main conversation, I knew she did not see it how I did (at least, not until I shared with her about it.). And yet, I couldn’t imagine seeing things the way she (and sometimes the guy) saw and evaluated things. I just don’t think that way. To use her phrasing, I almost always think maturely about it all. Anything less makes no sense to me.

But my aunt always said I was born 25 and only ever got older…

*They were my chocolate bar the priest told me to eat this weekend, my intentional small pleasure.

Post-a-day 2021