Man, oh, man…

Do you ever have a sudden 180, and go from feeling proud and confident and comfortable to feeling absolutely undeserving and unworthy?

One of my best friends connected me with someone last year. We got along well, but he wasn’t about being not in the same location. Okay, fine. My friend and I both were surprised by that, but it is what it is, and he wasn’t open to options.

Nonetheless, my friend encouraged the connection, and the guy and I stayed in contact, and I even went so far as to have him be a sort of fitness buddy, with whom I discussed this and that around our similar workout regimens. It was cool and fun.

So, we finally meet in person, at my friend’s wedding. And we get on really well. And I feel great about myself and confident and comfortable. And it’s an amazing time.

Even after the wedding, I am still in that space and the guy and I are still getting along.

Then, my friend wants to know what I thought after meeting the guy in person. I share. We discuss. It is silly, yet fun. She then speaks to one of the major drawbacks I had crossed with the guy. And with that information, she unknowingly blows my mind.

Yes, that drawback is still the same drawback. But now, this guy is more attractive than ever…

To the point that I, confident and comfortable I, feel as though I am not on the right level for him, that I am not worthy of him.

And then begins the positive feedback cycle, swirling ever downward… he doesn’t like me, and no wonder: I’m not good enough. I’m a failure in so many ways already, and, now, because of them, I’m a failure with this, too… And so it continues.

I have listened to my responses, and I have let them go each time. I have felt the physical reaction to such an emotion, and I have allowed it to be just what it is. And I have looked inside to see what had be lose my value as a person, simply because of money (because that’s what it was really about).

I’m not all the way there yet. But I am improving. I was in a significantly worse space only hours ago, than I am now. I don’t feel great about it all – not at all. But I am feeling less and less crap and anger, which is a beautiful sign so far.

Now, to sleep through the night and see what steps I will take tomorrow. Those steps will be toward clearing up this struggle for myself. I feel inadequate, because I know I can do better than I have done, but I let something stop me, somewhere along the line. So, let’s figure out who or what it was, and get past it already.

Post-a-day 2021

Day 1

Today, I had my first splits stretching session. A friend of mine works in stretching, aerials, and acrobatics, and she is now working with me. I am extremely excited about it. My flexibility has always been mediocre, even as a teenager, and I have been actively pursuing improving it lately. Just over two years ago, I began a 30-day stretch challenge. At the end of it, I took the stretches from it that I had found most valuable for me, and I now do them every day, usually at night before bed. With two years of just that, I have immense differences in my flexibility. I can put my head to my knees, and with my legs and back straight. I can hold my feet straight in front of me with my hands, back straight. And all of those are with minimal warm-up. I can just do them. I never was able to do any of them in the past, even as a kid.

So, now, we are approaching my other true desires: splits and head kicks. I want to be able, on any given day and at any given time, to drop into the splits and also to do a kick to the head of someone around my height (especially when preceded immediately by a kick to the chest [aka double kick that rises]).

We went through a lot today, and it was stressful how hard most of it was for me. However, I love that I am pursuing this and also that I get to do it with someone I love. We took progress photos for me, both to see where I stand compared to two years ago (had a photo on that Day 1, too) and to have a starting point to reference down the road. I have my tasks for every morning (after my regular workout) this week, and then we shall meet again next Tuesday for progress and to do whatever she has planned for my next steps.

I’m cautiously optimistic and delighted. And I can hardly wait!

Plus, I’m excited to get to spend more time with her. 🙂

Post-a-day 2021

Hair

So, I do laser hair removal, right? After a conversation this past week, it occurred to me that I might actually want something slightly different than I had originally thought for this laser hair removal. You see, I had selected my bikini line, not a Brazilian, because I still want to have hair on my pubic bone. I find it natural, comfortable, and protective. Plus, I hate the sweaty feeling of having no hair down there at all. And there is the added stress(?) of the increased friction that can cause a bit of sexual arousal, whenever there has been no hair in the past for me.

However, in this conversation, there arose the concept of only keeping the hair on the pubic bone, and getting rid of everything below it… At first, I figured it would feel the same as when everything is gone. But then, I realized that I hadn’t ever actually tried shaving that way, and so I couldn’t know for certain unless I tested it out.

So, I did. A few days into it now, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. There is definitely a hint of that sweaty feeling, but it is nothing like when everything is gone. And the arousing friction is missing entirely. However, for that part, I am wondering if it is more to do with that fact that I just have less fat on my body now, including my thighs and all, and so there isn’t much friction to be had period. Let alone enough to agitate me. So, yeah…

It has been an interesting couple or few days so far, and, though I haven’t yet made up my mind, I am now strongly leaning towards expanding that bikini line laser hair removal area…

We shall see!

Well, I shall see, anyway. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

Everyday nudity

I’m getting to have way more time than I’d like, sitting around in just my underwear this week. And it is quite likely to continue for the next month or two.

You see, I live in a converted attic space. So, it is a lovely little studio kind of space, but the awesome-looking vaulted ceilings are actually the roof. And this is Houston. And it is June. So, it is hot.

Because there is only a single window unit on each of the three floors, it gets terribly hot up here during the day, and it takes a couple to a few hours after sunset for it to be at a tolerable temperature, and another one or few to be at a sleep-able temperature. And so, after I take a cold shower, I sit in my underwear by the fan for a while, and eventually lie down on the bed, usually without sheets on me, aiming to keep myself as cool as possible in a not-yet-cool room.

It has been two hours now, and I finally was able to turn off the fan, but can’t put on my shirt yet.

And I might turn the fan back on a while longer…

Ugh…, but, at least, it is practice being with my mostly naked body, and being comfortable in it just hanging out, not feeling any kind of sexual tie to the nudity. It is just everyday nudity.

Post-a-day 2021

Feedback

I asked for feedback on something personal today. I was back and forth between terrified and utterly disinterested (out of the aim of escaping the fear), as I waited for the feedback to come in. Eventually, the fear won out.

But I kept a level head about it, allowed the feeling, and accepted that whatever the feedback, it would be exactly what I needed to hear right now, for whatever reason. Even if it was somewhat depressing.

And then, when I received the report, I actually laughed out loud at the only negatives offered. One of them was an unchangeable thing, which the person acknowledged in the feedback. The other was simply a personal taste thing, one that, though it’s always a bit of a bummer to disappoint someone else, it isn’t something I actually would alter, due to our opposing personal tastes.

And the whole area where I was terrified to hear the feedback, and I even asked a follow-up, just to make sure the person hadn’t forgotten about or avoided it? It was not even something the person noticed. My glaring failure in my own mind was not even noticed.

And so, yes, I burst out laughing at the two silly and near-unnecessary pieces of minimally negative feedback, and could hardly fathom how different the whole evaluation was than my own.

I truly am my hardest critic… I’m fierce.

But perhaps that is exactly the reason why this other person struggled to come up with the negatives…

Keep at it, Banana. 😉 I love you.

Post-a-day 2021

Still tired…

Apparently, I am still recovering from the past couple weeks and all of their excitement and whelming. This afternoon, I was struck slightly by a thought. It was a worrisome concern. And, instead of it’s just remaining that, it kind of spread, virus-like, into so much more, I was a mess and ready to cry and rush home to ball up during, of all things, karate class. That class is usually my active healing time, my fight club, my releases. However, because I’ve been so worn down, my mental capacity was somewhat shot by this afternoon, and I could hardly keep it together enough to be in class, let alone put forth full effort. My full effort was measly, really, which brought me down even more, mentally.

Granted, I started menstruating today. However, that was only icing on the cake that gave me the exhausted ache of my whole being right now.

Anyway, off to sleep to help as best I can, despite the delay (due to yet another technological letdown) on getting to bed at a reasonable hour.

Post-a-day 2021

Home…

… at last. I had a bigger bed and company the last several nights, staying with one of my best friends and her family. It was wonderful.

And yet, my body can hardly contain its joy at being in my own bed, small as it may be, with my own smells and my own vibes to rest and recuperate after so much these past couple weeks and this past weekend.

Post-a-day 2021

Take-backs!

Have you ever agreed to do something, even been the one who suggested to do it in the first place, and then found yourself, only minutes into the agreement, feeling like it was a really bad idea? You suddenly feel a need to take it back, because you don’t actually want to be the one fulfilling this specific task? And yet, you can’t even quite tell why you feel that way?

It certainly can make for a very bizarre situation…

Post-a-day 2021

After midnight

Exhausted, feeling slightly ill, I roll onto the bed. It is so very late, and there has been so much action today, my mind, body, and spirit are all practically brimming with tears. They need rest. They need the door shut. They need the fresh air and lack of stimulation.

And so, we shall sleep… hopefully, very well.

Post-a-day 2021

Tremble

O-o-o-oh, sometimes, it causes me to tremble…, tremble… tremble…

Perhaps one of the most powerful expressions of sadness and pain – an expression that communicates clearly to and elicits reaction from onlookers – is the unexpected tremble of the lips.

That powerful, easy, comfortable part of the body, somehow losing its ability just to hang out, hang around… it takes no effort for our lips just to exist. Perhaps that is what makes that tremble so powerful, so effecting… our pain is so great, that not even our effortless body parts can remain calm, they shake with the volume of such pain.

Post-a-day 2021