Productive again

Today, my body woke me at my 4:30-ish hour. I got up and went the bathroom, fully intending to go back to sleep. As I got back to bed, I considered that I might just want to stay up and go work out at the 5:15am class, instead of the 6:30am class, since I was already awake. But I didn’t want to take away sleep if I could still sleep well.

So, I agreed that I would lie down and see what happened. If I fell asleep, I needed the sleep. If I didn’t, then the rest would do me good, and I could get up in another 20 minutes to get ready for and go to the gym.

Sure enough, I was awake 20 minutes later, and so got up and got ready and headed to the gym. It was a great workout, and I was glad I had gone so early. I came home and ate protein and showered in the guest bathroom, then I went back to bed. I slept another four and a half hours – clearly, I still needed sleep, but just not anymore at 4:30 this morning.

And I slept hard. When I finally got up later, my man asked if I was going to the noon workout (in five minutes). He hadn’t even realized that I’d gone this morning. 😛

All that being said, I still had an extremely productive day, and am going to bed satisfied with my accomplishments.

I got a good amount done with my current project in my computer programming course, though not as much as I would have preferred. However, I am still so new to it all, I can’t expect to have it all figured out so quickly. These projects get me every time, the ones that are fully self-led, with no guidance whatsoever.

I ended up hitting a point where I knew I just needed to ask someone for some explanations, so I reached out to the meager few contacts I have in the world of computer programming. One of them told me to come on over to the house, so he could take a look and also show me some fun new stuff in the industry. I did, and the conversation was super helpful for me. It was only minimally helpful regarding the project itself, because he doesn’t do that work in particular (though, he was still helpful there, nonetheless). However, it was extremely helpful for me in terms of the mental doubts and struggles I’ve had about what I’m doing in general. He looked over the course syllabus and said it all looked really good. He agreed that I was on a good path and said that what I was doing was all right, that I had all the right instincts, and that he knew I would do very well in this industry. He mentioned, not for the first time, today that there are even people who go to school for this and get a full bachelor’s degree in it, but still can’t code – their brains just don’t have whatever it takes, don’t function in quite the right way. When I sent him a message of thanks later on, he replied, “Glad to hear it. I don’t know what it is, but you’ve got it.”

It was a very encouraging meeting. He genuinely believes that I won’t even have to wait six months to find work. “You can code!” And he was right – I can code. I just need to find the right place that will let me start where I am and continue to learn, because most people don’t start working in the industry, I think, with so little education in it as I currently have. But I am learning quickly and well – my brain truly is made for this kind of stuff – and that can make all the difference.

Anyway, not quite 9pm and I’m about to go finish my stretched and go to bed. It feels good.

Dear God, please, help me to follow the right path with all of this. Make my way clear for me, that I may pursue and fulfill your will in all that I do and that I may keep you present in all of my steps and in all of my successes. Help me to be the person I can be and want to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Bedtime

Well, tonight, I am exhausted, but, for the first time in what feels like a very long time, I feel like it was from effort made and tasks accomplished. And it feels good.

I used to feel like this just about every day, and it was amazing. Here’s to resetting my routine and getting back on the track that was empowering for me and powerful as a whole. Cheers.

Alarm is set again. Let’s do this. Thank you, God. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Current Stresses

Here is an incomplete list of my current stresses:

  • I’m not good enough for my man and I am failing at just about everything I agreed to do and wanted to do in our relationship
  • I can’t support us financially
  • I’m not even contributing financially right now
  • I’m not getting through my courses fast enough 1)to be able to do meaningful-to-me work or 2)to contribute financially, let alone 3)to support us financially
  • I’m really upset with my body’s current status in terms of fitness
  • I feel responsible for the state of fitness and the stress my man has around his state of fitness right now
  • I have stupid acne – a kind I haven’t had since high school or college – that showed up on my face, and I can’t seem to shake it
  • I have a miniature stress session every night when I have to get ready for bed, because I have to go in and out of what is mentally my safe space after showering (because the sink still hasn’t been replaced)
  • I don’t know how to replace the sink myself without messing things up
  • Same thing regarding the handle on the drawer in my desk
  • I can’t seem to get enough sleep, and so am exhausted most of the day most days
  • By being stressed, my body is off-put by the idea of food, making the whole fitness situation even worse
  • My gym plays music too loudly now – it wasn’t this loud in the past – including at the classes that actually were still okay just recently
  • I have trouble focusing on my work when I’m in the same office/room as my man – he’s too ADHD for me when I’m focusing on something, and it distracts me immensely
  • I haven’t sorted out the rest of my stuff after moving it into the house, and so I don’t actually have anywhere else to go to work (that doesn’t cost money)
  • Going through all the classes at Church to join the Church officially has kind of off-put my man to Church-related activities outside of Mass on Sundays… which includes marriage prep-type-stuff
  • The marriage prep-type stuff feels almost pointless anyway right now, because we’re waiting on that annulment, anyway
  • We’re going to keep waiting on that annulment until the other people who agreed to help with it do their part
  • People agreed to help with the annulment and are being non-responsive and not showing any care or concern whatsoever at the fact that their participation literally affects our future and our daily lives
  • People not responding to things period has been really getting to me lately
  • This includes that I invited people to my birthday party, and they didn’t even acknowledge that I did so, let alone show up for the celebration
  • Maybe those people don’t need to be in my life right now – also stressful to consider, seeing as how I was the one who picked them to be in my life in the first place…
  • Do I just have crappy judgement right now? Or sometimes? Or always?
  • Am I even pursuing the right things with my life currently?
  • For some reason, I want to marry on a Thursday – Thursdays are important to me. Churches seem only to offer weddings on Saturdays…
  • It makes me feel sick even to consider planning for a wedding reception right now, while I cannot contribute financially.
  • I don’t want to be around people smoking or who smell of smoke, period.
  • I especially don’t want to be touched by or be near such people during parties I am having, including my wedding, nor do I want them smoking at my wedding.
  • I don’t like drunk people.
  • I don’t want to pay for the creation of drunk people, and I don’t exactly want to pay for anyone’s alcohol at our wedding.
  • I haven’t figured out how to share stresses with my man without pissing him off…
  • Which stresses me out even more, not being able to share myself openly and just be heard
  • My man doesn’t seem to understand that, oftentimes, I just need to say how I feel about something, and that’s enough for me to let it go and be over it.
  • My man keeps feeling like he’s wrong or messed up or not enough or something like that, all because of what I say and do
  • Why do I keep making him feel that way? What am I doing so wrong?
  • Why do we still have gnats in the house?
  • My hands are getting drier than ever all of a sudden…
  • Why can’t I get all the house stuff DONE already???
  • Why can’t I get house stuff and school stuff done, all together in a day, multiple days a week?
  • Why do I feel fat and weak and failing at so much right now?
  • There’s dog hair on the insides of my house sandals.
  • This coffee table we had made in Mexico keeps spitting out bugs that apparently were nested inside of it. There’s yet another one lying on the floor now, this time in the bathroom, across the house from the table and not in the direction of the door to outside (which is where the others have all headed so far).
  • My foot hurts, and I don’t know why nor how to fix it.
  • I cost too much money.
  • That fact kind of makes me dislike myself.
  • I feel like I barely get to see and spend time with my man anymore… I miss him. I miss being present together, spending time together intentionally.
  • I feel like it’s all my fault.

……….

That’s just what’s on my mind right now, as I get ready for bed.

God, take it all, please. Please, take it. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Sleep, please

Getting things done, but being a night owl doesn’t help improve my sleep schedule when I have things to do. Lots needs to happen … correction: There are lots of things I want to happen before Sunday, for the party (that may or may not happen, depending on the weather). I’m thinking they won’t be done to the desired degree. However, I think I’m okay with that. I just want to have a nice time in celebration of this life I am blessed to live. However, given that certain people likely to attend will not be easy peasy about a house that doesn’t seem to be put together seemingly perfectly, I now find myself aiming to get some bigger things done. Yes, the bedroom will be in no better shape than it is right now, laundry to be done or folded or sorted into where it will be stored for real and all… and there might even be some more in here, too. Plus, we likely still won’t have a functioning sink in our bathroom, which doesn’t make things any easier. However, my man and I both have loads we want to get done that is outside the bedroom and that will be seen.

What all will we get done and how? Dunno. But we shall see.

Post-a-day 2023

Muscle aches

His legs hurt because he’s been working them out so much. My legs hurt because I’ve been working them out so much. But my legs get all pinch-y and twisted on the inside, limiting my range of motion and use of the muscles as a whole. His legs just hurt so much from lactic acid soreness, he struggles to move smoothly and to be touched… like, at all. Two very different kinds of ache from exercise. One comical and one somewhat serious. After my visit to the chiropractor again this Friday, hopefully the latter will be resolved. And, if the former isn’t better by then, I might just have to poke him a few times, just to see a grown man squirm and squeal like a child. 😛

Post-a-day 2023

Towels

For some unknown reason, Costco doesn’t carry the amazing towels they have carried for years anymore. The replacements don’t look promising in person. I think they also cost more… by about 38%. I shall check again when I go to the store at the end of the week (to get final stuff for my birthday party that is happening this Sunday) and confirm this price difference. I then likely will purchase one more set of the amazing towels from online (only a dollar and a penny in shipping cost). I haven’t yet decided what to do about the new ones – do I try a pair and return if we don’t love them??

We shall see. First step is the pricing. Check that, then proceed with next evaluation of what to do.

Can you even imagine someone not finding this situation to be ‘a situation’? This is a big deal. How could someone not see this as a big deal?? Having good towels is extremely important in life. A bad towel just makes for a bad day (or night, depending on when one showers), I’m telling you. 😛

Post-a-day 2023

Time

It is time to start being who I am here to be, who I have worked so hard these past years to become. I have been afraid recently. I have doubted both myself and God. Life had become inexplicably difficult and stressful, despite pursuing and fulfilling hopes and dreams and wishes and prayers… it wasn’t lining up.

But I had grown afraid and begun to doubt my god and my self. It always grows incredibly difficult when either of those happens, and I’ve had both sets of doubt lately.

So, I grant myself permission to let it all go and to ask God to take it all from me and for me.

Dear God, here you go: have it all. I have been so afraid lately, and have trusted you only in part. Help me to trust you fully as I hand this all over to you. My life is yours. I am somewhat terrified, and I still trust that you love me and will provide for my being my best self. If the answer to my prayer is not a, “Yes,” I know it is because you have something better coming. I give this all to you now. Keep it, please. Your will be done. And help me to do it, please. Keep us safe and loved and loving throughout it all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023