Thank you for saying no

I think I all too often believe that saying, “No,” to something offered me is a bad thing. But that mostly feels to be so from cultural training, so to speak, and not from my own heart, not from within. When I am in touch with myself, with all that is deep inside, that makes me, it is easy to say, “No,” with comfort, ease, and confidence, whenever it is something that does not serve me. It is easy to decline certain foods that are not medicine for my body. It is easy to decline the offers of alcohol, of participation in debauchery, lechery, unkindness, and drama.

And it has become, in recent months and years, much easier to decline even the nice things, the coveted things. They do not serve me, despite their wonder and charm and how much they might serve another. And, if I were to accept them, they would weigh on me negatively, I likely would not enjoy them much, if at all, and a part of me likely would experience some amount of distaste toward myself and disdain toward the giver, whenever I saw the given article going forward in life.

However, if I say, “No,” to the beautiful article that I know will not serve me, it is then possible for that article to move on to find its true home, a place where it will be fully loved and appreciated and used. It can bring joy in the right home. And, if I accept the item, I rob the item of that opportunity to bring someone else joy.

Two nights ago, my mom offered me a spectacular lunar-Gregorian calendar and accompanying journal. They were wonderful, truly.

And I loved seeing that they existed.

And I could tell, after enjoying them for that time of discovery, that they were not destined to be valuable or beloved parts of my daily life.

And, so I asked for whom they could be. Whom did I know who might love and treasure them?

It came to me almost instantly. I asked my mom her thoughts, and she immediately lit up, knowing how beautiful the match was.

I offered the calendar and journal to that person yesterday. She nearly cried at the beauty of how much they aligned with something she has been working on this year and lately especially, and then again when the calendar’s page for now had a photo that aligned with the entire workshop she had just been teaching.

Yes, they had found their home with her.

“Thank you for saying, ‘No’,” she said to me, after I had initially explained the path of the items.

And I knew that it was because I was in touch with myself enough to acknowledge, to accept, and to speak up about how they did not feel to be for me that they did and could find their true home.

And I’m wondering now how much more often I can do that in life… with anything… and with everything…

Post-a-day 2021

Brunch

I had brunch with a girl from my high school today. We weren’t friends in high school, but I had wanted to be. I told her today how she had mostly just seemed so angry in high school, and like she needed (or wanted) space, so I had mostly just let her be. She laughed and smiled a lot at that, but agreed with me, for the most part – she had been frustrated and angry quite a lot back then.

Being with her today, though, I saw clearly what I had glimpsed and guessed at back in school together: fear. I think she might be afraid of her own self, somehow, the same as we all seem to be, at least at some point in life. It just affects us all in different ways, some more different than others. Being with her today, I felt a pull to make it clear to her that she is loved and wanted; she, exactly who and how she is.

I had a wonderful time with her today. As we were leaving – four hours after we’d first arrived – I commented that our combined conversations throughout the four years of high school didn’t amount to as much as we had just talked with one anther. She laughed and agreed fully. They probably didn’t even amount to half the time of today’s brunch conversation.

But we weren’t meant to be friends back then. Perhaps it was merely a means to set a foundation upon which to build a true friendship later in life, now.

I do hope so.

Certainly, we shall see. 🙂

Post-a-day 2021

Like a lead balloon…

I have been weighted today by thoughts of what to do about a past situation. I was speaking with a friend about something casual, this past stuff came up in the conversation, and we paused the original conversation and tangented to this past stuff. I felt completely safe in the conversation, yet I was suddenly growing very nervous, and then stupid on behalf of my past decisions. This friend is a lawyer. Based upon the questions he began to ask me, I knew I suddenly was speaking to the lawyer at work.

And it worried me.

Today, I asked my mom for her brief thoughts on the benefits of genuinely speaking to this friend about the past stuff, intentionally discussing it with him as a lawyer, and considering whether 1) legal action could be taken, and 2) legal action would be the best thing to do. To this point, I had dismissed it all – if someone else brought it up, sure, I’d join the group. But I wasn’t going to do anything legal on my own. For many reasons, really…

However, I also never felt comfortable discussing it all, especially with a lawyer.

It is possible that it is all irrelevant now, as nothing can be done legally. However, I think it is important for me to have that conversation with the lawyer friend to find out how things stand first, and then I can go forward from there. No more wondering or worrying. At last, I can know for sure.

………

Not the lightest of material to have growing in my mind while having lunch with a guy (the same guy from Friday, actually). It was actually during lunch, when I was struggling to use my brain on any topic other than the legal one, that I determined to speak with the lawyer friend, and I went ahead and sent him a message to ask for that opportunity. That helped my brain clear a bit. When he soon afterward replied in the affirmative, I noticed an immediate physical and mental release and relief. There is still much unknown around it all, but I have steps to take now, and I know what my next one is.

It’s a bit of a bummer that I was talking in circles over lunch, though, unable to fathom what people might talk about with another person, let alone contribute much myself to the conversation. He’s a sweet guy, though, and I think he’ll forgive me as a person. I told him I had something unexpected on my mind today, and he seemed to accept that. Perhaps we shall see!

Post-a-day 2021

Tomorrow is…

Monday!

(!!!!!!!!!!)

And I can hardly wait.

(!!!!)

That being said, I also got clear tonight that this could also just be an opportunity for me to be able to date, for me to learn how not to let fear stop me from being myself in such a relationship opportunity. Also, it could just be giving me a friend. And it could be giving me one of those friends I’ve secretly wanted for so long, where we get to be completely loving as friends, and we have a history of dating and being loving in a different way.

It doesn’t have to be it or disaster. And I think this person is very likely to be wonderful, no matter the circumstances.

Though I still find it difficult not to begin down that ever-deepening swirl of my not being good enough and therefore being rejected by someone I like, I am doing better than ever at catching myself at the edge, well before falling (or diving) into it, and turning myself upward and outward to the light of my inner soul and who I truly am.

I am wonderful, and wonderfully amazing, too. I deserve immense and intense love, just as I give it. I am made for it, I do believe.

That being said, I am still very excited about tomorrow’s being Monday, at last. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^I still keep wanting to put 2020

Today’s date

I went on a date today. And I knew about it. I even partly (slash mostly) asked him out. It was very cool and super serendipitous and all.

I had met him at the gym, actually – perfect place, in my opinion! – but had a weird feeling a couple days ago that I was going to find him on this dating app I had (but wasn’t exactly using anymore). The likelihood stood out clearly to me, mathematically speaking, of course. However, I have been working on slowing such feelings to guide me. And so, I gave it, perhaps, a minute of my time one day, and about thirty seconds the next. This morning, when I thought about it – and it was for a while that I considered it – it felt that either it was going to happen today or not at all. That was it. And so, I was nervous to look on the app, and, therefore, just thought about it a good long while. Finally, though, when my official activities for the day had all ended, and earlier than had been scheduled, I said it, “Either it is going to happen now or not at all.”

I opened the application. Swipe once to deny. Swipe twice. Swipe thrice.

And there he was.

Staring back at me from a photo I had just the other day seen was that guy from the gym. (I had seen his Instagram, but had only minimally perused, as I was finding that I might genuinely be interested in pursuing some sort of relationship with this guy.)

I yelled out loud. “I knew it!” I declared on repeat a few times. I had been lying on my belly on the floor, and had almost immediately dropped my phone and began rolling around and banging my feet on the floor in childlike delight.

“Aaaaah! I knew it! Yay! Thank you! Aaah!”

Once I got that out of my system, I took some action. I took a screenshot of his profile, and asked him in an Instagram direct message if he was ready (after text-shouting his name at him, and he had replied in kind). It suddenly occurred to me that I might Lose the profile, by leaving the app for too long. So, I quickly returned and swiped right. No matter what happened, it was fun to do so, and everything would be fine, even if he totally denied me. And, if he didn’t, all the better.

I switched back over to the Instagram messages and waited mere seconds before he replied, “Yes.” It seemed an odd response to my semi-surprise-attack and just asking if he was ready. Ready for what? He had no idea. Did he? No. It had only been thirty seconds since I’d swiped his profile.

I sent him the screenshot.

Within another thirty seconds, he replied.

Haha. I saw that.

Check it.

I’m sorry… what???

It took me a moment to realize that he wasn’t just saying a confirmation statement, like Word or, though I very much dislike it, Bet. He actually meant for me to check the app, the dating app.

I had received no notification, not even within the app. But, sure enough, when I clicked on the ‘matches’ section, his face was up there, matched.

And then, a couple hours later, we were together, talking and walking and sitting in the park, enjoying the amazing weather and one another’s company.

I had a really great time with him.

Near the end, I found myself stressing a bit. I don’t date. And I don’t do uncertainty very well. And I have a tendency to believe that others do not like me, and regularly dislike me. But, assuming we do do it again, as he said he wanted to do (and he confirmed that he meant it), I just need to get clear on all of that for myself ahead of time. My experiences of the past need not have influence over this opportunity facing me now. This man – this very sweet, slightly dorky, comfortable man – is not any of those people who have rejected me in the past, be it as a friend or as a romantic partner. He is his own person, and the relationship that he has with me and that I have with him is unique and free from any past rejection I have experienced from others.

Yeah… 🙂

How odd a day, though… I start out the morning mentioning to my dad that I was abused in college, and how it had affected my personal physical fitness until recently, and then I end up on a date that goes well past my usual bedtime. I emphasized to my dad that I truly am okay and that I am doing very well and am free from that abuse now, and he got it, he heard me. But I saw the hurt in his eyes for his daughter, the pain he only then was experiencing for something long-past, and also the relief that it all was completed and resolved for me and my life – that I was hurting no longer from it all.

We had a really great breakfast together, and that was only a small part of it.

Anyway, went a bit tangential there… back to focus!

I started the day there, had a midday rejection from someone whom I had wanted to be my friend – and it was a weird rejection, too; my mom agreed with me on that… it was so odd. But we both agreed that life takes care of us, and that rejection happened because that person is not someone who needs to be in my life right now. After that, I called to find out if someone important to me was, in fact, being held at a certain detention facility (he was not, as it turns out). Never done that before, but now I have. Had a video call to go over a Spanish cheat-sheet thing I developed for my part-time job’s employees who do not speak Spanish but sometimes need to interact with guests who speak Spanish (and the meeting went awesomely). Then picked up a key for some spontaneous house-sitting I’m doing tomorrow. Then, as I sat down to do whatever delights arose next, I said my statement about the now or never, and found the gym guy, and ended up on a date shortly thereafter.

It was a crazy and awesome day, really.

My one genuine concern about the guy, though, is that I noticed today how desperately starved for physical touch I am, and I worry that could get in the way, and possibly cloud my judgement. Plus, it could make me get all weird. What it feels I want more than anything right now is just to be held. And hard. I just want to be pressed against a warm body and held tightly, firmly, lovingly, with care. My whole being wants that.

And I don’t want that to have me express misplaced interest in this guy. So, I don’t know that I am fully interested in him, or if his interest in me has my skin aching more than ever to be held and touched. (And I don’t even mean this sexually. My brain cannot even get there, it has been so focused on that my body might have found someone to hold it.)

That being said, I don’t like most people touching me, really, especially not so intimately as holding me would be. So, I feel like that alone speaks volumes to my potential interest in this guy as a companion/partner. Plus – and this is not to be mean or superficial, but merely to state what’s so – he is not super physically fit, and he is not too near the bodies that typically attract me. My attraction to this guy truly was all about him and who he is as a person, fitness and sexiness aside. Sure, if he sticks it out at our gym, he will be extremely fit and ultra sexy in that fitness. But, for the moment, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him, in some way or other, since he first smiled at me. I don’t have that feral desire to rip his clothes off. I just want to be near him, with him, held by him. I want to talk and snuggle and take a nap with him…

I want to push him over when I walk past him at the gym, and he’s about to pick up a barbell. (I joked the other day about how I had had a sudden urge to do that to him when I’d passed by, and he had said that I should have done it.)

(Also, I’m ovulating right now. Only the truly great ones pass that test… just something to keep in mind.)

He held my hand briefly tonight. I don’t know why it was only briefly. Possibly because I spoke my mind about noticing how starved I was for physical touch from this past year, and that I felt like I might cry, it felt so wonderful to have some. Possibly because our hands were starting to sweat, and I had already talked about my distaste for dirty whenever I am clean. I’m hoping it was more the latter. Frankly, I was just thinking yesterday how one of the things I missed about dance was that I didn’t get to have the occasionally slightly-sweaty hand grips with certain people when dancing… that warmth and sweat today was perfect as far as I was concerned. It was just what I’d needed.

Anyway… that was a bit muddled, but I think it still communicated well enough. Mostly, I think I like this guy a lot as a person. My being seems to trust him so much, it wants to be near him, with him. We’ll see how my mind does. Hopefully, it can stay true to itself and not go nuts in panic or anything.

I usually ask permission to touch someone new in my life – physical boundaries are extremely important to me to respect. He was looking up a smoothie place on his phone, and I was looking on with him. I asked if I could touch him – yes, I had already explained that I am touchy and that the permission is important to me – and he told me I could. I leaned gently into his arm, and hooked mine around his. When I leaned my head fully against this shoulder a few moments later, he leaned his cheek down on top of my head. Call it as simple or as small as you like, but beauty and perfection and true joy are often found in the smallest of things. That moment was perfect and worth it all for me. No matter what comes, there was someone who actively held my hand, who actively leaned into me. And I am grateful for that.

Danke, danke, danke schön, mein Leib und mein Gott. ❤ Ich liebe dich so sehr, Welt.

Post-a-day 2021

^Questioned its accuracy after I typed it so easily😂

Because I love it

Yesterday, I danced around to and sang along with a few of my favorite songs from the past several years, I made muffins, and I played music out on the front porch. Today, I sat and read from a book, and I am about to sit a read from another for a bit.

After a conversation on Monday, I am opening myself up, once again, to the possibility of doing things I love, simply because I love them. I must not do things only with the aim of something grander, or of gaining more money somehow… I somehow had forgotten that I could and that it actually is good for me to do things simply because I love doing them. I had disregarded the idea, for it was not practical enough, I suppose. But I had, in that, disregarded part of who I am, part of my self-expression. And so, when I recognized that on Monday, I saw what I wanted to do going forward.

The past two days have been like baby steps, I suppose, but I want to be sure I am incorporating these things into my daily life, not having them be a small stint that takes over everything for a short while, and then disappears completely. So, I also did some big deal cleaning up and unpacking that I had been somewhat avoiding, both yesterday and today, and that also felt really great. I was so focused on getting through the KonMari method as fast as possible, I had pushed aside most of the reasons I was even bothering to go through and tidy everything. A huge part of why I want my home tidy, is because I want to have time and space to enjoy the things I love. Therefore, I think it is important that I continue to do the things I love, rather than put all the good stuff on hold for two months while I sort out this other stuff. I don’t need this turning into another full-time teaching scenario, where it feels like my whole life is on hold, waiting for me on the other side somewhere, and then I often end up too tired to do anything by the time I get there.

Life is now. I can enjoy things now while still working towards the improvements I want for everything and for myself. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Post-a-day 2021

^Almost put 2022, again ::facepalm

Bravery, or Self-Expression and Self-Love?

Have you ever done something, and then thought afterward that you must have been so brave to have done it? And then, have you ever noticed that, since bravery and courage require action in the ace of fear, you had not actually been brave at all? You had had no fear, and thus had had no need for bravery. You merely acted comfortably and confidently from within yourself, truly and honestly so…, and so you saw no fear, had no fear to overcome. You were already above any possible fear simply by being yourself fully.

Golly, is that a spectacular feeling, especially after the fact, realizing that who I was was enough for me to be comfortable and at ease and confident in a situation in which I traditionally would have been afraid, and would have needed courage. It makes me wonder if, perhaps, instead of more courage in this world, we could really use some more self-knowing and genuine, love-filled self-expression…

That would be an interesting world, indeed. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^Definitely had to focus

Saturday, in the bar(??)

Okay, so it seems to be as I had thought already: the rash on my bum etc. is very likely due to the bit of virus I have going on inside my body right now. Kind of like how people can get rashes with, say, scarlet fever, this is the body’s reaction to whatever is going on inside in the waging battle. That was already the source of whatever was going on with my arm and the rest of my muscles, their being extremely and unexplainable tight (pre-virus idea). (Seriously, though, stretches I do every night before bed, I was struggling to do at all, let alone to the degree that I do them almost every night – I was unexplainably tight all over my body.) At least, that’s how everything seems according to the holistic nutritionist (aka holistic doctor), whom I saw for a quick check-up this evening. I am to let him know if the rash worsens at all or does not go away in the next week. That alone, knowing that someone more knowledgeable it available and willing to help me, gives me much ease around this. The treatment he gave me, as well, has eased my mind and body immensely, too. And so, I believe I will sleep very, very well tonight. (Thank you, God.)

Separately, we had a social for my gym this afternoon at an outdoor bar between me and the gym. It was incredibly nice weather, and the company was lovely, and I truly enjoyed my time. I didn’t talk to loads of people, but I did circle a touch and interact with many. I did not hold myself back, and I also allowed myself to interact only where and when I actually wanted to interact with people. And it was awesome.

When I first arrived, a guy asked for and then scammed my driver license on a handheld device. He explained to me about the icehouse’s(?) being in a dry part of town (that’s normal, by the way), and do it required a free membership in order to buy alcohol. I declined the membership, and told him that I don’t drink, and so don’t need it. He seemed extremely doubtful, and, though he said ‘okay,’ he proceeded to inform me that I would not be allowed to buy a drink, if I went to the bar and tried to get one.

…….

Uh, okay….? I don’t drink alcohol… my non-drinking is not going to disappear in thirty minutes or something… it’s kind of a standard by which I live every day of my life….

It had me wonder how many idiot college kids he got in there who tried not to have the membership and then buy alcoholic beverages after entering. Super facepalm…

Later, it had me thinking about AA-type people who don’t drink for intense reasons, but then I recalled that those people would be rather unlikely to be visiting a bar in the jest place. But then, here was I, one who dislikes bars and doesn’t drink alcohol (or probably anything else they would serve), walking into this outdoor bar for my gym social. I was there for the people and the water, not the alcohol etc. Who’s to say longer-time AA folks wouldn’t be capable of doing the same thing? Although, I do admit fully that it would not be common. Same with pregnant women.

Anyway, that was silly.

At the end of the social, a small group was going to eat, and I was invited to join them. I easily joined them for the food, and I had a lovely time talking with and spending time with all of them then (as we hadn’t talked much or at all at the earlier part). When they continued on to somewhere else for more drinking (still outdoors and all), I comfortably declined and wished them a lovely rest of their day and evening/night, as I headed out. It is lovely not having regrets after group interactions like that. And it is especially so for me, when the setting is one in which I previously have had those regrets. I was myself today, and I was comfortable in who I am. It was spectacular.

And a tiny fun bit to it all: We all got sunburned. And some of us badly…. But we are fit half-lobsters! 😛

Today was really great, and I am entirely grateful for it.

Gratitude, God. Thank you.

Post-a-day 2021

^Meh… had to consider

Cold sleep

It is cold, and I feel it. From the air conditioner, not from outside. I go back and forth between shivering and being slightly miserable without shaking. There was no blanket down here for me to use, let alone a comforter. I found a throw upstairs, but it isn’t very heavy/warm. I likely will have to sleep fully clothed tonight.

And then some.

Glad I brought the thick wool socks for possible hiking (which almost definitely will not happen).

I am also very tired, and also sleepy, increasing, I believe, my sense of annoyance and stress.

Dear God, please help me sleep well tonight and awaken rested and comfortable tomorrow and the next day.

Especially considering that my body decided today was finally the day to start menstruating… what impeccably terrible timing. I think it is aiming to make a point, and I might be understanding that point: I need to take care of myself, no matter what others do or want to do.

And now, to dress and to sleep.

Post-a-day 2021