Tag: fear

Time

It is time to start being who I am here to be, who I have worked so hard these past years to become. I have been afraid recently. I have doubted both myself and God. Life had become inexplicably difficult and stressful, despite pursuing and fulfilling hopes and dreams and wishes and prayers… it wasn’t lining up.

But I had grown afraid and begun to doubt my god and my self. It always grows incredibly difficult when either of those happens, and I’ve had both sets of doubt lately.

So, I grant myself permission to let it all go and to ask God to take it all from me and for me.

Dear God, here you go: have it all. I have been so afraid lately, and have trusted you only in part. Help me to trust you fully as I hand this all over to you. My life is yours. I am somewhat terrified, and I still trust that you love me and will provide for my being my best self. If the answer to my prayer is not a, “Yes,” I know it is because you have something better coming. I give this all to you now. Keep it, please. Your will be done. And help me to do it, please. Keep us safe and loved and loving throughout it all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A Good Friday

I have a very full day tomorrow. However, it is all stuff that is really good for me, in some way or other, and can produce very positive results. I have the workout at the gym at 7:30am – boy, do I want to sleep in instead(!), especially looking at what the workout is. Then shower and change at home to be ready at the gun range at 11am, so I can test out shooting a bunch of 9mm pistols (that TERRify me, mind you) and see if there is one we can find that doesn’t make me ball upon use. Then I’m rushing to a birthday party, where I’m hoping to be in time to take a professional level photo with my man (while he’s on his way to another rodeo shift, which is where he already is right now until 1am…), and then enjoy hanging out and meeting the other people at the party for this meet friend of mine. Then I’m going to the rodeo 1)to check up on my man and see if he needs or wants anything special for his shift, and also 2)to deliver and gift some hats to some of the police officers who work with us all at the rodeo and who make all the difference.*

Then, I guess, I can go home.

However, our committee has a club crawl happening from mid-afternoon into the evening and night…, so I might attend that or just part of that, after I deliver the hats, of course.

Then I can go home.

Now, a couple comments about today. 1)A security guy asked me how I was doing, when he was checking my bag at the rodeo. I answered that I was okay and ‘kinda hot and [something I can’t recall right now; ugh!]’. He, quite casually and calmly replied, ‘Well, that makes sense – I do believe you are rather attractive.’ Not even joking. I laughed, and told him it was a very good response, and I thanked him, too, I believe, before I walked away.

Now, I must sleep. Goodnight.

*I was talking with a couple of said officers today. The women, I noticed, had two sets of handcuffs on the back of her belt. The man, I then checked, only had one set of cuffs. What gives? So, I asked them why she had two and he only had one. Their response? A short pause, and then, “She works in the courts, and I work with corpses.”

I kid you not – he said that. And he meant it, too. Apparently, he does crime scenes for the main part of his job. And she said that, in her role, she genuinely uses handcuffs every day, and, even, multiple times a day.

Can you even imagine?(?????)(!!)

Post-a-day 2023

Resigned…

But not in the poor emotional way – in the really good way(!) and from my part-time job. Yay!

I actually felt giddy after sending it in. My man said it perfectly that this is just an opening for what’s next now. I am ready to move forward from that work, and be my best self elsewhere.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity and this blessing. Thank you for this chance to develop myself and to learn how to be more and more myself each day and in more circumstances through this job I’ve had the past two+ years. Help me to use all of that to move forward powerfully and to fulfill your will. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Happy Birthday to me

My man planned to take me to dinner for my birthday tonight, since we agreed to plans with some neighbors for tomorrow night, my actual birthday. (It’s comfortable drinks with them at their house in celebration of her birthday, also the same day as mine, so it makes sense.) He spent a lot of time planning our flight to nearby College Station, recalling that I had mentioned recently that flying there just for dinner would be fun.

However, for my birthday, it has always been important to me to see my aunt (who is also my godmother). Usually, she makes every effort to make it happen. However, she and my uncle recently moved, and aren’t anywhere near as close as they used to be. So, it didn’t make sense for her to drive three hours plus each way just to have dinner with me the day before my birthday (because I was busy all day today and will be busy most of the day tomorrow, too).

In a last-minute change of events, my man determined that we could change the flight plan almost entirely, pass College Station by, and go to Waco to have dinner with my aunt and uncle. He was going to an airport of which he had never even heard, let alone visited, and was more than doubling the distance… and at night. Despite all the changes and uncertainties and newness of this plan, my man came through stupendously. Yes, I still had times of real terror and panic – how could I not? But, for the most part, he did a great job of informing me about what was happening with all the adjustments and all throughout the flights, and helping me thereby to be somewhat calm and alleviated from panic when compared to the previous and only time I’d flown with him before tonight.

I was running late getting home, due to traffic and being overly helpful volunteering at setup today for one of my rodeo committees, so we got to the airport way later than planned. Then, with the change of flight plan, my man had some things to sort out newly before we could depart. That meant that, instead of having dinner around 7:30pm, we ended up arriving to Waco at 9pm. We ate at one of the only restaurants open late in Waco – though, it supposedly is a big deal one, culturally there – which was heavy southern food, and had an amazing time with my aunt and uncle. Their car was completely decorated with streamers and mini balloons and shiny unicorn cut-outs all throughout the backseat when they picked us up, and it was quite the delight.

After dinner, they stood out where they could see the full runway, and watched us take off, wave the wings, and then do a quick low-flying pass over the runway, before we headed home. Until tonight, apparently, they hadn’t known that my man even has a private pilot license. Well, now they know(!). 😛 Haha

The flight home had some tiny technology/mechanical issues, and his fidgeting with controls to see about sorting it out somehow really freaked me out. In my head, something was going to go just perfectly wrong that a wire somewhere would spark and catch fire… Really, though, I just don’t know enough about how planes work, I think, in order to feel comfortable with such a scenario as we had tonight. I struggled immensely to let go of this fear and to give it up to God. And I had to do it over and over again, every time he tried to fiddle with it and fix it again. I was seriously distressed and working very hard to trust in God that the outcome would be His will, whatever it may be. I trusted my man’s own skill and training, but I had much trouble trusting the plane itself and God’s will.

Within ten minutes of landing back at the home airport, fog overtook the whole area. Had we been ten minutes later, we likely would have been unable to land (for safety reasons) due to the immense fog. We were just in time.

Now, as I’m falling asleep anyway, I’m going to sleep.

Post-a-day 2023

Hmm

It’s almost my birthday – in two days – and I still have nothing planned for myself. I wonder why I’ve usually felt like people don’t care about my birthday…

Anyway, I started with daily mass and reconciliation last year, and it served me well. I’m very much interested in starting the same way for this year, too!

God, guide me, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Rodeo time

Well, our first rodeo shift went rather well, especially for a first shift and for only the second day of cook-off. We only got yelled at once, and it was by someone on the committee who clearly needed to ‘be in charge’ and ‘be the boss’ for the minute, without having any idea what actually was going on in the moment. And we got it all handled quickly, anyway, and that person left, because her shift was over, anyway. Aside from that, things were mostly normal and good.

My mom and I stopped in a bathroom on our way out, and I realized then that I hadn’t yet seen myself in a mirror in my rodeo uniform. I had always looked at myself in the mirror during rodeo, in our uniform, I mean, and felt that I looked so blah and not-womanly and not-pretty. I always looked a little bit of a mess, somehow, even if I was freshly cleaned and brushed and whatnot. There was just something about it I couldn’t seem to shake off: I didn’t look very good in our uniform, the black cowboy hat, the vest, and the white collared button-down shirt.

Last year was the first time that, suddenly, I not only didn’t look not-very-good anymore, but I actually looked pretty. I looked like a woman. I looked beautiful. I was wearing the same exact uniform as the year before, the same shirt and vest and hat. And I had the same long hair, just a few inches longer. Yet something was different, because I was pretty. It made me smile like crazy whenever I looked in the mirror. And I noticed that I looked at myself much more often than in the past. It felt good to see myself looking so good. It was the opposite of a Catch 22.

This year, I have short hair. And I’ve been a bit of a mess off and on in terms of looking feminine and pretty and all, ever since I cut it. It’s just about shoulder length now, and I was worried I’d be back to looking boyish again, and very much not pretty.

And yet, when I saw myself in the mirror tonight, I was shocked. My hair somehow looked perfect and cute and girly and pretty. I looked beautiful, gorgeous, good. And so it began again, smiling at myself in the mirror. I look forward to seeing more of this beautiful woman in the near future. This truly shows that what’s going on in our heads impacts a lot in terms of how we appear physically. When I’m happy, healthy, holy in my head, so, too, isn’t body. When I’m uneasy, stressed, and feel like I’m not worth it, so, too, is my body.

Thank you, God, for this blessing of joy that has caused such wonderful beauty in my life. Thank you for this life, and thank you for this love. Help me to share your love, especially with those who so openly share love with me. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Improving

I accepted where I was in my relationship with my part-time job. I created a rough plan of action to resign. And then, an opportunity arose. I will trust myself and God as I consider this opportunity and see where it may lead, because it feels genuine and right to do so. I don’t know what will come of this next week and the planned conversations, but I expect I will be complete with what to do about the job in a week’s time.

Thank you, God and Universe, for this beautiful response to my trusting myself and taking action. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Hmm

Well, I received my black belt. It literally has my name on it. It’s actually quite pretty, really. And, as for the performance we did, it went really well. Also, my mom got to participate in the whole ceremony, too, kind of like last week. Everyone else had a black belt carrying in their belt to the ceremony and presenting it for us. Most of them had a parent as that black belt. But I had a brown belt, my mom, carrying and presenting mine.

When we removed our black-belts-in-waiting belts, the brown with a black stripe through the center, our head instructor had originally just told me we would be handing it to a family member in the audience. Okay, no big deal. I’ll hand it to whomever, so long as he or she is in the front of my family section. Easy peasy. When we actually tied the belts, and she announced to go hand them off, she announced that we were presenting them to ‘the person who had been the most influential in our karate career’. Uuhhh… not what she’d said before… Well, of the options, obviously my mom had played that role. Fortunately, she also was sitting on the front row, making it easy to present the belt to her. I was sure to turn it facing her before presenting it – true Japanese style, of course – and thanking her.

Then we went off with no belts on, breaking rules of the uniform – you never wear the top without the belt and the pants, and without wearing them all fully and properly. Only the pants can be worn without the rest. Then, we changed into our new white uniforms to receive the black belts, again and still breaking the whole uniform rule for another few minutes.

But then the cute and dramatic procession happened, presenting all the belts in rank order, alongside our individual black belts we would receive (carried by our selected black belts and my selected mother who has a brown belt) to music. And we all went back out there one at a time while a photo slideshow played for each of us. After that, we finally were given our belts, and they were tied on for us by our head instructor, and we were officially black belts. So, yay!

It was a good time. So was dinner afterward with my family, and the occasionally chatting with others at dinner.

Separately, I’m still sick. Ugh. Almost no yellow remains in my nasal passages, but the coughing just won’t give up. After tomorrow, I will know if I need to go for more doctor stuff. Ugh.

Also, my apartment lease ends tomorrow. We scheduled a walk-through with the office at 4pm tomorrow. My flat-mate sent me a screenshot of an e-mail she received today – but that I did Not receive, even in spam – that says the office is closed tomorrow. No idea how that is going to go down, but I’m going to pray much about it tonight and tomorrow. This process with this complex has been a huge hassle from the start, and I’m genuinely concerned about what they might try to do to us. Please, say a prayer for our easy move-out tomorrow, if you’re able.

God, help us move forward easily from all of this. Heal my body. Heal my man’s body. Heal all those in need of healing, that we might all serve you better and share your love more effectively. Help us to have a smooth completion with this apartment complex. Please. Please, help me to release this guilt I feel around signing that contract in the second place. Help us, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023