I received some delightful news today, but I wasn’t jumping for joy at learning it.
However, I have, since learning about that, been giddily delighted about something else entirely…
I think that the news today gave my whole being such a sense of relief that I suddenly was able to enjoy fully the something else I’ve been pondering lately (but hadn’t really been able to enjoy yet).
Funny how that happens. 🙂
I have so much to say, so much to share, and yet I continue not to take the time to share it…, because despite my belief that it is valuable to share it all, a part of me, I believe, fears that it is not worth sharing at all…
Sometimes, fear paralyzes more than just the physical self…
I’ve noticed that I have been having trouble getting myself to go to bed recently. I realized only just now that it is in large part due to my fear of roaches. I’ve been housesitting, and there have been at least ten roaches with which I’ve had to deal over the past week-ish (not to mention the surprise flea infestation). Talk about panic and paranoia taking over, I’ve been a sort of total mess this past week. When I opened the door to bring something out to my mom this evening, a roach came rushing inside, and I screamed and broke almost instantly into tears. I could barely speak, as I finished handing my mom the stuff, and headed back inside to deal with the bug. It’s just not my cup of tea, so to speak, managing such a thing. Quite frankly, I almost wish that I lived in a hermetically sealed box – at least then I would have clean air flow and no bugs, since it would be magical and all.
Sigh… now, that would be nice…
Anyway, my mom thinks that there is something that the world has been aiming to impart to me through this dreadful bag of events thrown at me this past week+. I am inclined to see it so, too, though I’m not too sure yet as to what is being imparted to me. Perhaps it has been something to the effect of being able to appreciate what I already have in life, or to show that even I can survive what I personally consider to be some of the most dreadful circumstances in life, and, therefore, I really can survive life as a whole (something which has genuinely concerned me at times). Perhaps it is to be a sort of starting block for me to want something more for myself, as I see more and more clearly what sorts of things are important to me in my everyday life. One thing is for sure: Living in town doesn’t matter much, if I don’t have friends and I don’t have activities in which I am involved. I’m still on my own all day long, and it sucks just about as much in town as it does in the suburbs.
He had stayed home that night, because his program was intense – he had a lot of work to do. He had been invited, but he didn’t go, because he did work instead. His best friend went, though. He wasn’t in such an intense program, and could spare the night off easily enough. Everyone there had thought that the best friend had fallen asleep. Perhaps he had. Eventually, though, the combination of this and that and ecstasy had stopped the best friend’s heart and life. But everyone thought the best friend was asleep.
He had stayed home that night, but his best friend hadn’t.
Contemplating how things could have gone differently, if he had gone to the party that night, now that is one easy way to go crazy.
So, I don’t.
Sometimes, that leap of terror was all we really needed to move forward…, because it was really just a ravine in front of us…, since the world isn’t flat, and so doesn’t actually end at that cliff.
A morning prayer can really save the day. ❤