Memorial Day

Today, I did the Memorial Day workout entitled “Murph”. It was, I have been told, the favorite workout of Navy Lieutenant Michael Patrick Murphy, 29, of Patchogue, N.Y. He called it “Body Armor”. It is very difficult, to say the least.

This was my second time doing it, and I had to do it solo. But I did it, and I loved it, of course!

I even got to be creative to do ring rows with a pair of jeans in a tree!

Afterward, I was talking with my friend who had been my gym buddy, but who is moving to VA this week. She decided to do it herself (despite having told me “No way!” all last week), since she hadn’t done much since ending her gym membership in March. So, I rode with her for her two runs, and kept count of all of her other movements for her. We actually had a great time just chatting while she did her work-out, and then hanging for a bit afterward on my porch.

Then, I finally went and gorged on healthy food and drink, and continued listening to an audiobook that I am loving!

——Murph——

Last year:

Mile 1: 9:16

Partitioned ring rows, knee push-ups, and air squats like crazy

Mile 2: 11:01

Total: 53:55

Today:

Mile 1: 8:58

No partitioning, ring rows, Regular push-ups, and air squats

Mile 2: 9:19

Total: 45:12

Holy snap… That’s a nine-minute difference, I did a harder version, and I definitely was not as wiped out at the end! I also was extremely consistent with my movements throughout there work-out, and my breathing was rather steady. For example, when I did the push-ups, every set of 50 lasted almost exactly three minutes, and my breathing didn’t grow almost any more intense by the end of them than it had been at the start of them.

When my friend finished hers, she said that she missed the feeling of hating a workout and then finishing it… that feeling of accomplishing something that had felt impossible at the outset.

I knew exactly what she meant – it’s a feeling I love and a thing I love about our gym.

Happy Memorial Day, folks!! ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Completion

Well, I am extremely grateful that guy was willing, at least somewhat, to give me a bit of feedback on why he didn’t care to pursue anything at all with me anymore.

No, he never gave me a clear answer, but he did say somewhat that he was, in fact, interested in something on the dating and physical relationship side of things – you know, the side I had considered a non-option due to his having a girlfriend (the one who no longer existed, but I was unaware of that at first).

And so, I told him that I wished I’d known that sooner, as it would have made a big difference in everything for me, and that, oh, well…, too bad… let me know if you’d like to do a re-do… ::crying laughing emoji ::face palm emoji.

At that, I leave the situation comfortably.

Yes, I am still bummed at his not being straight with me and not really giving me a chance, once I did start to see where he stood.

Yet, I accept him for it all… I do not need to forgive him; just accept who and how he was… and I do, now.

This scenario and relationship are now complete for me, with all loose ends tied up.*

And I am grateful that I kept true to myself through this all.

Phew!

Getting better all the time, you know?

Grateful for the strength and love that guides me forward with all of this stuff in life.

Thank you, God.

Now, who’s next in line?

Because I’m ready for the next round of being myself in the face of no agreement. 😀

…….

*A joke that my Opa always shares with me came to mind just there… it’s how they would joke with one another as kids, playing with the literal meaning of the phrase used for ‘What’s wrong?’

Was ist los?

Alles, was nicht gebunden ist!

Hashtag Family of total nerds…

Post-a-day 2020

What’s on your mind?

Every time we log in to Facebook, we are presented with this question: What’s on your mind?

Well, Facebook, painfully annoying stuff is on my mind tonight (and clearly I am not telling you about it 😂).

I’m finally, tonight, allowing myself to accept and experience the hurt I have from today and this past week.

It feels almost like déjà vu, and that seems to be what hurts the most about it all.

For the second time in a very short amount of time, I have met a guy and endeavoured to establish a relationship of friendship with him…, and I have been, while accepted at first, almost immediately denied the opportunity.

They aren’t being mean to me – not intentionally, anyway.

They actually are, in a way, being extremely nice in telling me that they don’t want to continue in the relationship (whatever kind it may be), as opposed to disappearing entirely or just slowly phasing me out of their lives intentionally.

However, what hurts about it all is that it feels like they didn’t even give me a real chance – they say they don’t think our personalities match up, or something like that, but they barely even took the time to discover anything about my personality.

This one, I’m not exactly clear if the comment was BS, in that he was actually just interested in a rebound dating relationship or sex after a recent breakup of his, and I was not sharing that intention in the friendship…

For one thing, can we please just speak honestly and openly about these things?

Would you just tell me what your intentions are, and we can figure out that way if our intentions align, or if we want to make them align?

Secondly, I was under the impression that he had a girlfriend – because he had had one when I had last seen him.

I was necessarily dealing with a mental dilemma, wondering if I was reading incorrectly into his seeming advances, or if he, in fact, was either A)in an open/polyamorous relationship, or B)was actively pursuing someone else despite his being in a relationship.

Whatever between the two, I was absolutely disinterested in being involved in the matter.

What’s more, I was looking for camaraderie or friendship, as I had said.

So, I was confused as to whether I needed to be disturbed with his behavior or whether I was seriously misunderstanding social cues from this person.

That was happening while I still aimed to be nice and un-prying – because who wants to be the person who calls him out on it, and finds out that he is in a loving relationship, and I was just way wrong and totally misread everything? – and give him the benefit of the doubt, that somehow this all could make sense, eventually.

Well, I found out eventually that his relationship had ended.

And then, after little else, he tells me that, ‘out of respect for me, he doesn’t think he’s interested in continuing our relationship.’

Okay… what relationship is that?

The one that never actually started, because I first didn’t understand what on Earth was going on, and then denied your somewhat unclear invitation – I think that’s what it had been intended to be, anyway – for sex?

Or was it for a dating relationship?

I genuinely do Not Know.

Like I said, I wish people just would be straight about this stuff, about their intentions.

I am not offended or the least bit upset, if you tell me that you would like to have sex with me and not have any other sort of relationship with me, or if you tell me that you are only interested in possibly dating me and don’t want to be friends of the dating doesn’t work out, or even if you say that you just want someone to date casually and with little-to-no commitment.

That would give me the chance to re-evaluate the situation, see how I feel about it all, and let you know if we line up or not… instead of your just assuming what my opinion on the matter would be.

I am extremely frustrated when you have clear intentions, but won’t make them clear to me… Just tell me, dang it(!!!).

What sucks so much, is that, had I known the situation ahead of time, I would have had a very different approach to it… I mean, he’s certainly an attractive guy, and I made several delighted grins at things he wrote or said to me… if I had known he was single and looking, I likely wouldn’t have been opposed.

But that isn’t something I can sort out properly in my head in an instant… I need a bit of breathing time to move someone from the ‘unavailable and off-limits’ category to ‘available and interested in me’ one…

Anyway…

I don’t know where I’m going with this right now… I’m just frustrated and hurt that, once again, a guy wasn’t straight with me, and so he has no idea what my thoughts or opinions are on the matter, but he decided he wanted to cut off all communication with me…

I’m an amazing person, and I truly know that.

It doesn’t mean this isn’t still frustrating, though.

What’s with people?

A friend said to me about it earlier that this seems to be something like a Millennial thing: The moment something starts to get uncomfortable, they ditch.

Granted, I’m not actually a Millennial, but the fad seems to be seeping into those near enough in age, and I am starting to feel like I have too many of those in my life right now.

Today, different people in two very different contexts told me that I am a lot to handle (and they didn’t mean it as an insult), both of them men.

One even said that most people are too superficial for me, and so my deepness and interest in being with people for real, on a real level, is hard for people who are used to living on the surface.

My cousin, in another unrelated conversation, mentioned to me that relationships with people can, in fact, develop beautifully and easily by people being straight and open and deep from the start with one another, as is evidenced by my relationship with my conversation exchange partner.

She brought that up on her own.

Another man told me, ‘You are a special woman. Remember that!’

I never thought a woman I [hardly know] could affect my life with such intensity.

Today, three different men and a woman affirmed voluntarily, with no request or prompt from me, that I am a wonderful person and am totally worth it, deserving of the best.

When does that happen in a single day?

Yet, what fills my mind is the one man who never even gave me a chance.

Why do our brains do this?

::big siiiigggggghhhhh………

I think I just need to experience and embrace this frustration, so I can let it all go.

Pick up, and release…

I’m hoping for a freeing feeling tomorrow…

Post-a-day 2020

Believe! But I do…

Does everyone have that one friend who always seems to be preaching to us?

Whenever we talk, the friend somehow takes a non-existent tangent to start talking about God or the religion, and almost never really in a normal, conversational way…

We may even follow the same religion, but this friend talks to us like we are atheist to the max… this friend seems to be determined to save us…

I talk about God in my life, and it is, I believe, never preachy – it is just something I talk about, and even discuss, with others.

Other people talk to and with me about God, and it is entirely normal, even if we have totally differing opinions on things.

Yet, that one friend we all seem to have never seems to be able to mention or discuss God without it turning into what feels like an effort to convert us – leaving always a bit of a bad taste in the mouth…

I love God, and I also happen to be of the same religion as you, and my faith in God is not faltering…., so, could you, please, stop always trying to convince me that God is good and that God loves us?

Anyway… not sure what had that pop up tonight…, but it clearly is something that bothers me… hmm…

Boy, do I have other thoughts on my mind tonight (and all day today), but, as much as I have been loving them, they are not thoughts I’m going to share for right now… just know that they are quite delicious and hungry thoughts, and involve a thirst that wants to be quenched. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Delayed Gratification

“Sometimes, it takes delayed gratification to discover that we didn’t really want it, anyway.”

This has been on my mind a lot today.

At first, all I was considering was how I often discover that, after having to wait to have something – i.e. delayed gratification – I don’t end up wanting that something anymore, and I often even forget all about it by the time I can have it.

This has been so often the case with unhealthy foods (read “desserts” and “grains”), unnecessary items, and even, occasionally, with men.

Today, I’ve been thinking about the men one especially… by not being able to date them or what have you, I end up getting so accustomed to not dating them, and I find that I actually prefer it… I don’t really have any desire to date them after all – it was just a passing excitement and desire, and it, having not been satisfied immediately, passed.

Tonight, though, I am beginning to see the other end of the idea…

Sometimes, it takes delayed gratification to discover that we truly do want it, after all.

Talking with an artist and gallery owner this evening, I saw how art has been one of these particular things for me – I was never given the gratification of studying and learning and doing art…. painting, drawing, photography, ceramics, etc…, and now, after all this time of not being able to have it all, I am discovering how much I truly do want it in my life.

I want to create art, and I want to have a life filled with art and artists.

I have had a taste of this art lately with photography, and then most recently, in being home constantly, in pursuing new skills in other art forms… and I love it.

I feel so at home with it.

This is where I belong, where I feel at home, where I want to be.

I’ve been thinking lately a lot about Charlotte from “Sex in the City”, and about Sophia in “The Longest Ride”, how they worked in art galleries.

And I have been rather envious of them for years, but now I had started to wonder about whether it was something I might actually want to pursue, if only for a short-term situation.

And now, after chasing down what I thought might have been an old family friend – which, it was – from twenty years ago, I might actually be doing it.

Working in an art gallery… how fun… how fantastic… how ridiculous a follow-up to being a high school teacher… I can hardly wait to find out.

Post-a-day 2020

Surprise, surprise

Sometimes, I feel myself on very comfortable, sturdy, well-understood ground when I go into something.

And then, after I arrive, I discover that the terrain is nothing like I had expected it – and I can’t tell if it has merely changed, or if it is actually deceivingly treacherous…

Today, I am both grateful and proud to know that, when presented with such a situation, I comfortably acknowledged to myself my discomfort st the discovery, and then I actively took on staying present and analyzing what lay before me.

I remained true to myself and my own wishes – it with a bit of hesitation at times, I still did it – and I readjusted my feet and found my footing again…, and I can breathe oh, so well tonight because of it.

Aaaaahhhhhh…….. ; )

Post-a-day 2020

Third time’s a charm

Or so they say, anyway, the people in my life. 😛

Tomorrow morning, we shall see if the third time, indeed, is a charm.

I have arranged now three times to meet with someone to make and create music together; the second two times being due to rescheduling from an unplanned event in the other person’s life.

Tonight, I had someone reaching out, asking me to do something that would be at the exact time of our third-time-arranged meeting tomorrow…

No, no, I just can’t do that… especially after making the joke today about – is it millennials? – millennials and how they can never seem to make plans and keep them… haha

So, I arranged for an undetermined future occurrence of the pop-up request from tonight…

Which leaves me free to attend our regularly scheduled Saturday morning program… I found myself wanting “One Saturday Morning” last weekend, so this is almost like a version of that for me: a Saturday morning of creativity and fun and interest.

In conclusion and in short, I hope tomorrow’s musical meeting happens and that it is delightful.

P.S. I helped my friend with the first leg of moving today, and I got home kind of late… I am utterly exhausted right now, and my eyes are heavy and burning… Once again, I did not realize that I hadn’t even gotten my shirt on for sleeping… I’ve just been sitting here in only my underwear, and had no idea… I am ready for some much-needed rest, especially if I’ll be musicking tomorrow morning!

Post-a-day 2020