Man, oh, man…

Do you ever have a sudden 180, and go from feeling proud and confident and comfortable to feeling absolutely undeserving and unworthy?

One of my best friends connected me with someone last year. We got along well, but he wasn’t about being not in the same location. Okay, fine. My friend and I both were surprised by that, but it is what it is, and he wasn’t open to options.

Nonetheless, my friend encouraged the connection, and the guy and I stayed in contact, and I even went so far as to have him be a sort of fitness buddy, with whom I discussed this and that around our similar workout regimens. It was cool and fun.

So, we finally meet in person, at my friend’s wedding. And we get on really well. And I feel great about myself and confident and comfortable. And it’s an amazing time.

Even after the wedding, I am still in that space and the guy and I are still getting along.

Then, my friend wants to know what I thought after meeting the guy in person. I share. We discuss. It is silly, yet fun. She then speaks to one of the major drawbacks I had crossed with the guy. And with that information, she unknowingly blows my mind.

Yes, that drawback is still the same drawback. But now, this guy is more attractive than ever…

To the point that I, confident and comfortable I, feel as though I am not on the right level for him, that I am not worthy of him.

And then begins the positive feedback cycle, swirling ever downward… he doesn’t like me, and no wonder: I’m not good enough. I’m a failure in so many ways already, and, now, because of them, I’m a failure with this, too… And so it continues.

I have listened to my responses, and I have let them go each time. I have felt the physical reaction to such an emotion, and I have allowed it to be just what it is. And I have looked inside to see what had be lose my value as a person, simply because of money (because that’s what it was really about).

I’m not all the way there yet. But I am improving. I was in a significantly worse space only hours ago, than I am now. I don’t feel great about it all – not at all. But I am feeling less and less crap and anger, which is a beautiful sign so far.

Now, to sleep through the night and see what steps I will take tomorrow. Those steps will be toward clearing up this struggle for myself. I feel inadequate, because I know I can do better than I have done, but I let something stop me, somewhere along the line. So, let’s figure out who or what it was, and get past it already.

Post-a-day 2021

Hair

So, I do laser hair removal, right? After a conversation this past week, it occurred to me that I might actually want something slightly different than I had originally thought for this laser hair removal. You see, I had selected my bikini line, not a Brazilian, because I still want to have hair on my pubic bone. I find it natural, comfortable, and protective. Plus, I hate the sweaty feeling of having no hair down there at all. And there is the added stress(?) of the increased friction that can cause a bit of sexual arousal, whenever there has been no hair in the past for me.

However, in this conversation, there arose the concept of only keeping the hair on the pubic bone, and getting rid of everything below it… At first, I figured it would feel the same as when everything is gone. But then, I realized that I hadn’t ever actually tried shaving that way, and so I couldn’t know for certain unless I tested it out.

So, I did. A few days into it now, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. There is definitely a hint of that sweaty feeling, but it is nothing like when everything is gone. And the arousing friction is missing entirely. However, for that part, I am wondering if it is more to do with that fact that I just have less fat on my body now, including my thighs and all, and so there isn’t much friction to be had period. Let alone enough to agitate me. So, yeah…

It has been an interesting couple or few days so far, and, though I haven’t yet made up my mind, I am now strongly leaning towards expanding that bikini line laser hair removal area…

We shall see!

Well, I shall see, anyway. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

Really?

So, there’s a chance that I actually want to write something along the lines did romance novels… erotica…., but with really good stories that have really good sexual interactions/thoughts dispersed throughout them… like real life. It isn’t all about the sex; it’s about the life. And the sex just gets it due description, like the rest of it all.

We shall see, though. Time to dive further into reading that smutty romance stuff and see how I feel about it all!

Post-a-day 2021

Feedback

I asked for feedback on something personal today. I was back and forth between terrified and utterly disinterested (out of the aim of escaping the fear), as I waited for the feedback to come in. Eventually, the fear won out.

But I kept a level head about it, allowed the feeling, and accepted that whatever the feedback, it would be exactly what I needed to hear right now, for whatever reason. Even if it was somewhat depressing.

And then, when I received the report, I actually laughed out loud at the only negatives offered. One of them was an unchangeable thing, which the person acknowledged in the feedback. The other was simply a personal taste thing, one that, though it’s always a bit of a bummer to disappoint someone else, it isn’t something I actually would alter, due to our opposing personal tastes.

And the whole area where I was terrified to hear the feedback, and I even asked a follow-up, just to make sure the person hadn’t forgotten about or avoided it? It was not even something the person noticed. My glaring failure in my own mind was not even noticed.

And so, yes, I burst out laughing at the two silly and near-unnecessary pieces of minimally negative feedback, and could hardly fathom how different the whole evaluation was than my own.

I truly am my hardest critic… I’m fierce.

But perhaps that is exactly the reason why this other person struggled to come up with the negatives…

Keep at it, Banana. 😉 I love you.

Post-a-day 2021

Still tired…

Apparently, I am still recovering from the past couple weeks and all of their excitement and whelming. This afternoon, I was struck slightly by a thought. It was a worrisome concern. And, instead of it’s just remaining that, it kind of spread, virus-like, into so much more, I was a mess and ready to cry and rush home to ball up during, of all things, karate class. That class is usually my active healing time, my fight club, my releases. However, because I’ve been so worn down, my mental capacity was somewhat shot by this afternoon, and I could hardly keep it together enough to be in class, let alone put forth full effort. My full effort was measly, really, which brought me down even more, mentally.

Granted, I started menstruating today. However, that was only icing on the cake that gave me the exhausted ache of my whole being right now.

Anyway, off to sleep to help as best I can, despite the delay (due to yet another technological letdown) on getting to bed at a reasonable hour.

Post-a-day 2021

Roomies

And so, the universe converges, yet again, and it looks as though I will be living, once again, with one of my best friends, in a city I love so much…, but in a new area of it.

It is time to explore, and not just this city, but myself and what we can create together, this Universe and I.

I can hardly wait…

But I must. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

Take-backs!

Have you ever agreed to do something, even been the one who suggested to do it in the first place, and then found yourself, only minutes into the agreement, feeling like it was a really bad idea? You suddenly feel a need to take it back, because you don’t actually want to be the one fulfilling this specific task? And yet, you can’t even quite tell why you feel that way?

It certainly can make for a very bizarre situation…

Post-a-day 2021

Smutty

You know…, I might just actually really like those smutty romance novels after all…

Not that I hold them as high royalty among novels – nothing like that. But so far as storytelling goes, some of the smutty ones are spectacularly told…, even if they might be 80% smut… Because, I believe, smut told well is worth hearing… and, if for nothing else, then for spectacular ideas…

But the good ones actually have great stories to go with them – fairy tale fantasy and smutty fantasy all in one. 😛

However, I’m not sure yet. I’ going to do some research on the top-rated romance novels, and give them a go, see how I feel about them. I’ve mostly only read stories that have unexpected smut strewn throughout their stories, stories that focus around something else, with the smut only as a tiny piece here and there. So, we shall see…

Post-a-day 2021

Childhood parent

Today, I got to hear a recording of my mom when she was 15, turning 16. It was a tape recording of a phone call for fathers’ day, and her birthday was going to be the following day. The recording started with my Opa, her father, talking to his father. He then handed the phone off to my grandma, who sounded a lot like my mom sounds. Then my two uncles went on, in age order, and then my mom. I cried, and so did my mom, when she started speaking. I somehow felt myself wanting to give that little girl a hug…

I had never heard her voice other than how it had sounded in my lifetime. I had heard people mention that she had gone off to college (at Rice), and had come home sounding all snooty (versus the strong southeast Texas accent of where she’d grown up and where my grandparents remained, even after their children had grown up and moved out). To me, my mom has always sounded like the regular Houston accent. Whenever she is with her family, she always ends up talking just like they do. However, she otherwise speaks with the extremely neutral Houston accent. (Truly, even US Americans find it hard to believe that Houstonians are from the South, because we really just don’t sound like it. Only our use of “y’all” makes it clear that we are southern.)

However, on the recording today, I heard a bright-eyed, teenage, southeast Texas girl speak with delight. I almost couldn’t hear my mom in her at all. She most certainly was southern and from southeast Texas, but I was shocked at how little she sounded like my mom.

On the second listen, though – it was only a minute or so that she was on the call – I began to find her in the girl. The way she spoke, and the intonations, the cadence and emotion – those were all clearly my mom. But that accent and voice… I could tell she was a lifetime away, unaware of what life would bring her beyond age 16 and a driver license after her drive training over the next couple weeks…

It was bizarre, but I would love to hear more from her. The tape had a whole section of her and my aunt, who is younger, singing the songs from Godspell (my uncle was in the musical back then), and I really heard my mom there, in the singing. That was super cute.

Anyway, I am wiped, and on multiple levels, so I’ll go attempt sleep, now. (It’s set to 79° in here, because my grandma doesn’t have the body structure and function to keep the body heated anymore. Apparently, she even uses a heated blanket to keep warm enough overnight… with the 79° air…) We’ll see what happens…

Post-a-day 2021