Summer days

I was just invited to a swimming party.

I realized that I was feeling a sense of anxiety, and I asked myself its source.

I discovered it was about being seen in a swimsuit (of any kind, really), which has been frustrating for me in recent recent years, due to my poor physical fitness level.

I quickly evaluated my body, to verify the reason for the concern.

I then chuckled silently, as I recalled that I clearly don’t have that same problem anymore, especially considering the fact that I almost ditched my shirt during our workout today (It was just so hot and humid today, and the tank top felt like it was holding warmth in!).

It’s a new feeling for me to be back to swimsuit ready at the drop of a hat, and to be fully comfortable with the thought of swimsuits and whoever might be around while I’m in one.

And it is a very good feeling. πŸ™‚

Thank you, gym, and thank you, God, for getting me to this gym where beautiful magic is happening, at long last.

Post-a-day 2019

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::sigh… snore…

Today was a really good day, all around, it feels… I’m going to bed later than I’d like, but it’s only because I did so much work After Dinner.

And that’s because I spent time before dinner buying groceries from three different stores, in preparation for my mostly raw vegan time, which I’ve been wanting to do for a while now.

And so, I started with lunchtime today doing the pure foods deal, and I had a fabulous salad for dinner (which always seems like such an unfulfilling idea, but that worked out really well tonight, even though the salad was of my own devising).

I’m actually looking forward to breakfast (and lunch) tomorrow, and I can hardly stop thinking about it all… I love drinking my meals, despite how odd or hospitalized it sounds – there’s just something so refreshing about having a meal out of a smoothie and some veggie juice (and no, I am not left hungry afterward, so long as I follow a balance of nutrients with them)… I love it.

And now, I shall go to sleep, so I can dream of smoothies, and then actually have one.

Yay!

Post-a-day 2019

Let’s Nike it

The music is playing on my head again… the music from our routine, I mean…

Is it because I want to do the routine?…, because I want to be that clean (in my dancing)?…, because I want to be the professional I know it would lead to being in the dance world?…, or because I want that body shaping I had at the time?…

In the past, it was all about the first several reasons, but I think it is, this time, about the final reason: the body.

I watch videos from then, and I am surprised at how slim my legs are, how flat my belly is… and that surprise really drives home how unfit I had become in the past couple years.

I get it, though – a lot of stress in a certain kind of way can do this to me, especially with how I was emotionally and psychologically until this calendar year.

Now, however, I want to be done with it all, and move forward as the person I want to be, physical body and all.

We’ve been doing this exercise for two months, now… I was worried to look at a scale, because it doesn’t feel like the fat has been rolling off or anything… and I didn’t want to imagine I had been as bad off as I would have had to have been, if it has been rolling off, and this is how I look right now… (hope you understood that)…

I have so much muscle showing up, it’s almost funny…, but then it’s also a bit sad that the only thing left to complete the visual picture is food – the food I have done a terrible job at managing these past several months with my in-and-out circumstances with my home (which continued with a sudden water issue that kicked me out again last night, after having had only five days back at home since the last necessary departure)… so, in a way, I’m not fit yet, because I don’t have a stable home…

How crazy an idea is that?… really makes me wonder about people who generally have no stable homes… hmm… it’s so dreadful, even knowing that I have somewhere I could stay (most of the time, anyway)…, I can only imagine not having that, and trying to be healthy… even good emotional health would be troublesome to come by at that point, I think… man…

Anyway… so I’m back at home again, and I’m clearing out things, cleaning up and tidying, slowly taking on the KonMari lifestyle for realz – I want this, and it definitely feels like the world has been asking me to do it lately… perhaps a crazy and spectacular move is in the mix in the near future, and this has all been necessary to prepare me for it… only those in the know know, and I do not seem to be one at the present time… if only future self could hand me some words of wisdom. πŸ˜›

Actually, perhaps this clearing out is due to inspirational words of wisdom from my future self… we shall see what comes, I guess, and that is all we can do about the future, really.

And so I will make way for what is to come, and I will be better prepared in doing so than if I had stayed unaltered … for life is change, and nothing is ever stagnantly the same, so let us change willingly and wholly with life, embracing it as we go… that’s my present intention, anyway. πŸ™‚

Let’s do it.

Post-a-day 2019

Fatness

I entitled this “Fitness”, but the phone decided to change it to “Fatness”, when I went to click on the writing section, and the phone offered/suggested alternatives to what I’d written… it still somewhat applies, so I’m leaving it… it’s like a Freudian slip for the technology age. πŸ˜‚

So, after class today, I was talking with one of the coaches about when I might expect to see visual results with my body from these workouts.

We talked briefly about my diet, and then he requested to speak honestly.

“Of course(!).”

“When you first came in here…[…], you looked kind of sedentary…[…] Now, you already have definition in your body… in your legs… in your – you look like an athlete…[…] before, …” (makes faces) “… Now, you look like an athlete.”

It’s been a month of these classes, and I’ve attended 23 of them so far.

I checked my activity log for running, walking, and biking – and I only log my bike ride to and from the workouts, as well as any runs of a mile or more in the workout, not the actual workouts themselves – and I already have almost half the number of activities and half the distance covered that I had in all of last year… and I’ve gotten almost all of that this past month.

I had one activity, a 3-mile hike/run through the hills in Redlands, California, when I went with a friend who was moving there, logged this year otherwise… nothing else.

So, in one month, I’m already almost halfway to all of my official exercise activities last year.

Pretty cool, huh?

I mean, totally bummer that I had so few last year, but we can’t change that, nor can we change the mental struggle that kind of ran the show regarding all of that…, we can, however, embrace the freedom that is the new state of affairs, where I am now governing my fitness and my fitness activities (not some mental freak-out), and I am actively pursuing genuine and somewhat intense physical fitness.

So, woohoo!

Yay!

And, though I’ve felt that my progress visually is slow – aka my belly and haunches and inner thighs still seem so ugh – it is nice to have the positive encouragement from the coach today, as well as my sneaky shoulder muscle for when I brush my teeth. πŸ™‚

Yay, for mental and physical fitness! πŸ™‚

Post-a-day 2019

A lifestyle, I suppose

Last week, I was talking about how I am suddenly covered in scrapes and bruises…, and that I attribute their origination, though each specific one unknown, generally to CrossFit.

Tonight, my friend, which started with me a few weeks ago, messaged me and the showed me how she is much in the same boat:

I’m literally scuffed and bruised all over.. this is my life now

The coach, after class tonight, said to me, without his knowing about my friend’s message to me, that pain and struggle and small injury are all regular parts of doing these workouts – it’s a lifestyle, he said.

And so, I guess it is…

Tonight was hard… really hard…, and not entirely for physical effort.

The certain muscles that were being used intensely for one part of the workout really, really wiped me out mentally and emotionally – I was balling my eyes out ugly every time I found myself in the midst of that piece of the workout.

The pain and gain and bruises may be part of the lifestyle, but I am very much looking forward to having let go all that is left of this stuff that drags me down emotionally… I want to be wonderfully fit physically, and, in my case, that includes and requires I be wonderfully fit psychologically and emotionally, too.

All of these are parts of this lifestyle I am willing and wanting to follow… bruises and scrapes included (though I imagine they will come in lesser frequency the better I become at all of this stuff!). πŸ˜›

Post-a-day 2019

Before and Later(?)

My brother mentioned for me to do a before and after photo of myself, to show how my future self has progressed physically from this new gym deal that my friend and I are doing.

My initial thought was a worried sort of, “No.”

I worried of having a photo exist that shows my current bodily state, up close and personal…I’m doing this exercise, because 1)I have a goal for my body fitness, and 2)I am not even comfortable anymore with how my body had engrossened, shall we say, lately.

If it were only the first reason, the photos would be great…, but the second reason is a big reason against the photos – I don’t want any more visual memory of my current state than I already will have in my mind from my own eyes’ direct and mirror viewing.

I considered that, perhaps, the gym could find it useful to share with people considering the workout, showing how drastic a positive change even my current body shaping could have.

I have people not understand why I feel so out of fitness – ‘You are Not fat,’ they regularly tell me.

I don’t disagree with them; I just mention that I have much more fat on my body than I want to have, and I also sometimes mention that I have much less muscle than I prefer having.

And then I see that I kind of want to be able to compare myself down the road, so I can be proud of my results, and even more so since I’d have side-by-side photos to show the progress…

But perhaps I could just measure things, have a brief written numbers account of how body parts are…

I don’t know… there are faults with that, too… ideally, I would do numbers and photos…

But I also don’t feel like hassling with it…. neither for the physical effort of actually doing it nor for the mental effort and strain of constantly thinking about how the numbers might have changed (probably every single day, at least a couple times a day, if I know myself… which, I do)…

So, perhaps I’ll just leave it… I’m already a week at six workouts into it, anyway, so this wouldn’t even be from the very beginning if I did a photo now…

We’ll see… I need to make sure I do or do not for the reason of what I want, and not for a reason based on fear… you know?

Yeah… we’ll see how I feel about it tomorrow…

Post-a-day 2019

Score(!) + Ugh(!!)

Two things:

1) I learned loads at the class this morning… my evening internship was cancelled this afternoon, so I went to cheer on my friend at the evening class she was attending… moral support, you know?

Then we could have dinner together afterward.

When they were gathering for class, the coach asked about why I wasn’t joining their pow-wow… we explained… he continuously encouraged me to join, and I somewhat quickly accepted – I learned lots of technique this morning, and so certainly could use the extra practice, but also could use the weight training that I had to give up for technique training this morning (now that I know the technique, I can add weight to it all, you see).

Sure, there was plenty in the workout that wasn’t the technique-based stuff I had just learned… that mattered little – I had done the beginner version this morning, and I managed to complete the advanced version this evening (for the rest of the workout, that is, because the weight I used in the weightlifting part was still for not strong muscles… though no weight was listed on the actual workout, so I technically did everything on the advanced level this evening… cool!).

The coach was joking about enjoying our results by late summertime, and I asked if we really had to wait that long .

He said, “It depends on how hard you work.”

My friend replied to him, ‘This is only our first week, and she’s already doing two-a-days(!).’

It was a good body love and pride day.

2) The vacuum broke down as I was almost finished with everything that needed to be vacuumed before the main effective flea treatment tomorrow morning… there has got to be a lesson in all of this somehow… just what in Heaven and Earth is it???????

Ugh.

Post-a-day 2019