Get out

Whenever I find myself spending time with repeated thoughts and ideas and conversations in my head, especially somewhat negative ones, I must remind myself: Get Out! Now! That is all… Thank you for listening.

And, you know, it is one of the best things I ever do for myself.

I’ve spent too much time in my head lately, dwelling on some of the same conversations and ideas, leaving myself feeling small and in-the-way and a problem for others and a failure for myself. It’s quite depressing, really. No joke. I’m letting that all go tonight, though, giving it up to God, and giving myself grace and respect. I am capable, and I am worth it. Period. So, let’s keep on improving as we have been doing, pursuing the path on which God has been calling us. We can do it.

I pray your name in gratitude, God – the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Some days…

La-dee-da-dee-dah-dah la-dee-dah…

Man, some days, it just feels like the world crushes you like a bug, and then you end up thinking of that final fight scene in Men in Black, and you get totally grossed out at the idea of all those bugs being squashed and eeeewwwww-ickk-gross!

Ugh… God, please, don’t make me figure this one out – just do as you wish, and I will follow suit wholeheartedly. Your will be done fully and forever. In your name I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Exhausted

Pursuing God’s will is not always easy – golly, is it exhausting! But, boy, is it fulfilling!
Thank you, God, for this day and this life. Please, bless me in this next year of my life as I aim to embody the life you have imagined and created for me especially and intentionally. Help me to be your love in the world, through your grace. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2022
(Man, that’s still hard for me to get right. I hesitate just about every day!)

27 February, 2022

Tonight, I requested some prayer support. I am going to apply for a particular teaching position for next school year, and I would like some support regarding both the courage to do it, and the grace of God to fulfill His will in my doing it. I had a really spectacular experience in adoration the other day, and I feel that this is what I’m being called to do. That doesn’t make it any less scary, though… In fact, it makes it even more so… Because, now, I’m not doing this for myself anymore. I never want to let myself down, but that pales in comparison to how much I want to be sure not to let others down. And I am doing this for God and for His creation… not for myself alone, but only for me through them all first.
Alas, it is scary for me. But I trust in God and His call to me.
God, help me, please, to follow and pursue your will for me, what I am most here to do. Give me the courage and the strength to be your love in this world as I fulfill that will. Grant me your grace, please, that I embody all that I am here to be and to create and to begin and to complete through this beloved life of mine, through you. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2022
P.S. My birthday is about to begin…

Trust

God, I trust you.

Today, I went to help/volunteer at a track and field meet. I verbally signed up in response to a sort of challenge back in November – something about how I didn’t have a problem with early mornings, and so didn’t think I would struggle with their schedule…, I think. I had been told (and write in my calendar and verbally confirmed) that we needed to be there at 5am to set up. Turns out, it was actually 5:30am, which is rather different so early in the morning.

My friend had asked me why I even was going, when we were watching the Olympics the night before, and I’d said I had to go to bed, even though I’d wanted to keep watching. She said that since I didn’t have to be there, then why was I even going, since I had an alternative of staying up to watch Olympics and spend time with her. I considered it, but it was only moments for me to be 100% clear that I truly wanted to go to this meet and that I felt a real calling to be there (and to be on time and do the whole thing).

And getting there too early actually worked out perfectly, because it then became a whole silly and impressive thing that I was possibly the first person ever to arrive before this one particular coach.

The day as a whole was awesome. I felt throughout my whole being that I was where I needed to be today, on every level. It was spectacular. Oh, God, thank you for this amazing blessing. I am awed by the glory of this whole experience and the love I truly was given through it today. Thank you. Amen. Please, help me to continue to have such experiences, where I can feel that I am exactly where I need to be and where I am needed, exactly when I need to be there. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

Rest in the knowledge

‘I mean, I love him, but if he’s not going to take his fitness seriously, then it’s not ever gonna happen,’ she says with casual comfort and clear honesty. ‘If he won’t even stretch, then no way…’ She is not upset in what she says, nor is she concerned. For her, it is clear that, if he isn’t the one, then he just isn’t the one, and she’s totally okay not spending any strain, stress, or brainpower on wishing, hoping, or dreaming for him to be the one. If he’s not, he’s not, and there’s someone better out there. If he is, then he’ll make it clear that he is, which will include caring about his well-being and honoring his own body. How can we love another, if we cannot love ourselves?

Be not afraid. God is with us, even and especially when we feel so utterly alone on the partner/relationship front. God, grant me the serenity to be your love in the world, even and especially in the face of no agreement in my life. Help me to do what only I can do to share your love in the world. Help me to fulfill on all I am capable of doing in this life, through your will and help. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Still have to think about that year…)

Guidance

Dear God, I give it all up to you. Guide me, please, to do as you need me to do in this world. Help me to plow the path that only I can plow, in order that your love be abundant through me and my life, a beautiful expression of your love and creativity. I trust in you fully, and I let it all go tonight. Your will be done. In your name, I pray. Amen. Hallelujah.

Post-a-day 2022

(Wow… ^ almost messed it up for the third night in a row here, even though I’ve gotten it so well for a while now)

Burning my a

Tonight, something burned away from me. Big time.

We had a whole day of events at church today, and it was really cool, right? Well, it all ended with Mass and then Adoration. For those who don’t know, Adoration is when a priest brings out the blessed sacrament and puts it on display for folks to adore. Put differently, it is an opportunity for people to sit in a physical presence of God, to look right at a physical form of Him. (The blessed sacrament is bread that has undergone transubstantiation, a change of form/state, into the exact form that was the bread Jesus, way back when in the Garden of Gethsemane, declared to be his body. The priests have a beautiful right – is it actually called a right?? Now, I’m doubting myself here… – in which they recreate Jesus’ words and actions, allowing for the bread and wine to become the body and blood of Christ, just as they were when Jesus declared them to be his body and blood.) It’s like having someone here in person, instead of over the phone – prayer, aka conversation, with one sitting right in front of us.

During Adoration tonight, there was some music, some prayer led aloud, and some silence. For part of the time, the blessed sacrament sat on the altar for all to see. And, eventually, the priests and deacons carried it slowly around the entire church – it’s a quite large church, you see – for everyone to be able to pray right up close to the blessed sacrament.

I tell you, every time I got to see it straight on, clearly, I suddenly lost the capacity to sing. All I experienced in those moments was intensity through my whole being, like a current being upped immensely in power. The words that suddenly filled my head were simply, “Love,” and, “My Love.” Every time.

And then, when it came around by us – I was even on the end of the pew, and they stopped almost exactly next to me – things went to a whole new level. As it turned the corner onto our aisle, my breathing became inexplicably heavy and fast. My tears turned into heavy, intense crying. I was in a sudden full-blown, desperation-type cry in mere moments. We were already kneeling, and I couldn’t even keep myself up – I fell to the ground… or, rather, I went from sitting tall on my knees to collapsing on my heels, holding onto the pew to keep myself from falling off the kneeler, my chin just above even with the pew back where I was holding myself still upright, but lower to the ground than before.

When they were within about a meter or two, I felt a sudden heat approaching me, coming from their direction. As they got next to me, I felt like the intensity of a sun was exploding outward from the small group of priests as deacons, the blessed sacrament at the center. My entire body was intensely hot, in a matter of moments and directly connected to the position of the blessed sacrament. As I roughly cried my heart out, my whole body shaking, I could feel something burning away from me, layers being penetrated and spots being dissolved in the crazy heat. It felt like a fever times two. I considered how I needed to take off my sweatshirt, also the jacket that had been covering the backs of my legs… yet I couldn’t make a move beyond crying and clinging to the pew, looking directly to the blessed sacrament, struggling to breathe calmly (and failing). I even felt one priest notice and look right at me as I fell downward, but I didn’t even look at him as I typically would do. I was pinned.

And then, this small eternity in the cosmos ended. The priests and deacons began to walk again, moving to the next spot. As they moved away, I could feel the temperature changing by small jolts with each step they took. Perhaps thirty seconds or so later, I found no need to remove my sweatshirt, as it was back to the winter cool it had been all day in the church.

And I collapsed even further, like all my energy had been spent, like after a long, long day of work and a nice cleansing shower, how I collapse into bed… it felt like that. I could barely even hold onto the pew back at this point, I just draped an arm on it to keep me from collapsing fully to the floor. My eyes could just see over the pew back, following the blessed sacrament still, but from a distance now. All my energy was gone. I had been well worn, it felt, well washed and scrubbed and cleaned. I tried singing a bit, and could only manage it when I couldn’t see the blessed sacrament directly. Every time I saw it, no sound was emitted from me, now matter how I may have intended.

I eventually got my energy restored and was even more energetic afterward than I had been all day today. My mom was asking the main priest about a quote afterward, and I joined them briefly as I returned from a bathroom trip. The priest recognized me from adoration – he remembered seeing me crying. I wasn’t embarrassed. Not in the least.

And I noticed that I felt so much more myself now, not so afraid or strained or stressed about anything anymore. Weight had been lifted, and from all of me, somehow. Now, I’m going to bed much later than I like or than usual. I am utterly exhausted. I do not know what is going to happen with my living situation or my financial situation. Nope. And, somehow, I’m not secretly incredibly stressed about that. We’ll just face that tomorrow and onward. May God’s way manifest clearly and beautifully, and may I embody it fully through myself in every way.

Post-a-day 2022

Reading itch

I very distinctly had a desire today – a pull, more like – to read religious books, books that somehow use religion as a foundation for whatever they want to communicate… could be about building a relationship with God, about being a woman today of God, about Church itself, about prayer… whatever. But “Church books” is what came to mind specifically.

Guess I’ll start reading the book Church gave out the other week, then. It was meant to have a book study with it, and I even signed up online to be in a remote group (since I don’t live near that church), but I haven’t heard anything from that since signing up. Perhaps it is time for me just to start myself. If a group pops up later, I can still participate, even if I have already read the thing in its entirety.

Let’s do this.

Thank you, Life, for being a beautiful opportunity for me, and thank you, God, for joining us. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

All the little things

And then all the little things come together to give that little, wholesome, undeniable nudge. Suddenly, everything seems much simpler and easier – there is much less worry to be had, and life seems… lighter. Things aren’t solved or resolved. But they aren’t exactly a problem anymore. And, for now, that is enough for gratitude and much easier, freer breathing.

Thank you, God and Universe. Please continue to help me to be Your love in the world. Guide me with clarity to the embodiment of Your love through this life. In Your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Barely got it)