I proctor ed a test today…
The question within my family now is, “Is that connected to being a proctologist?”
Gotta love dorky and nerdy family 🙂
I proctor ed a test today…
The question within my family now is, “Is that connected to being a proctologist?”
Gotta love dorky and nerdy family 🙂
Riding home on my beloved scooter, having a slight struggle with the very outer edges of my eyelids, due to exhaustion, I considered:
This is the end of a very heavy week of work, the first full week of school since it started last week… It is Friday evening, and I want to go meet up with friends and do something to celebrate the completion of such a week of work… I want that happy hour evening, that friends dinner, that wine night or movie night or game night…. that night of friendship and release…
Instead, I am heading home to prepare and eat my dinner, to shower, and then to go to sleep… and I don’t even have anyone to whom to relay this information – I was not invited to any of those desired Friday evening and night activities… I’m not even sure who might have invited me if I were…
This feeling, this experience, I notice, is familiar… to when?
I believe to the last time I was teaching full-time in the US…
I work hard all week, throwing myself wholly into school (aka work), staying as late as it takes to accomplish everything I want and need accomplished for the next day or week, and then I head home on Friday afternoon, in an almost rush to free myself of the school and the feeling of needing to work…, and I head to where?
Home…. to eat and shower and go to bed…
I usually don’t mind doing this – in fact, I’ve done it multiple nights these past couple weeks, and I have been grateful for it, and have even turned down an idea of going to spend time with a friend here or there – I wanted to go home and be alone and go to bed to be prepared for tomorrow…
Fridays, however, have a way of reminding me that I am not normal, and of suggesting to me that I am missing out on one of the best parts of being an adult.
Personally, I loved having ultimate frisbee on Friday afternoons in college, where we all could release the stress from the week, free our minds and bodies, and have a wonderful time with other people having a wonderful time all together… and I long for something like this.
I did not activity (yes, I have made that into a verb here) with almost any of them outside of Friday ultimate frisbee, because we weren’t exactly friends, but we had camaraderie and mutual interest in playing ultimate together as a cap to the week, and that was all that mattered.
For me, it is the community aspect that I miss so much, the piece for which I long on a Friday night like this one.
My week has been good, but full of work and high schoolers, and I want some adult camaraderie and love now to finish off processing whatever my mind needs to process to be finished with the week…
I know that this is not what I would find at a bar, or with a group out drinking their troubles away.
It only minutely lessons the pain of feeling so alone in the world, however.
In these experiences of feelings of desperation at my own failure to have friends and activities for a Friday evening and night, (or any time, but they most often happen around Friday night no-plans nights) I notice an extreme desire to get anybody (almost, anyway) on the phone to talk to me…
But I know that it won’t fulfill what I am seeking, and so I make an effort not to call anyone – it seems somehow unfair to them, only to call them because I’m in need, not because I genuinely want to talk with that person in particular…
I don’t even call my mom, because all I really want is for her to hug and to hold me and make me feel loved, but I know she likely will be home, watching some show or other with my stepdad, and will want to get back to watching that ASAP – she is really usually only good for talking during the day, if I want to hang out with her over the phone (or in person)… it only would make me feel even less loved.
And those were my ponderings as I drove home this evening, hoping to avoid the imminent rain storm that seemed almost too close for comfort on a scooter.
I did as I’d planned, visiting the grocery store after I swapped the scooter for a car, and then returning home for dinner and a shower, and then getting ready for bed.
I did end up calling my mom just a bit ago, but it was for a genuine question, and we discussed that briefly and then hung up, my lingering being quite minimal for once, as I was conscious of my desire to be with my emotions on this, and not to aim for escape by talking with my mom.
Alas, here I am, still having spoken to almost no one, but having listened to almost two hours of my current audiobook while I was cooking and eating and cleaning up.
And, mostly, I feel okay.
Yes, I still want to have someone with whom to check in, whom to love, and on whom I can rely to love me… so I don’t feel amazing, exactly, but I’m okay.
Better, actually, since I didn’t call anyone – this is a new step for nights like this one, and I think it is a really good step for me and my life.
And, on that, I’ll sign off, so I can stretch and read and sleep ASAP!
I played this catchy and somewhat annoying song that helps with greetings and basic phrases in French in French I class yesterday.
They loved it so much, they begged for an encore…, so we played it again….
And I surprised them with it this morning again…
They loved t every time, and they put genuine effort into singing along as best they could.
It was adorable.
However, I spent the entire ride home singing the song in my head on repeat… and the past hour since being home, too…
I am so over this song….
If only my brain would pick up on the matter… 😛
Staring at the ceiling, slumped backward over the sofa cushion that had been knocked onto the floor at some unknown time in the evening, Ch—- inhales sharply, and releases in a heavy sigh…, “Man…, I wanna do something!” he declares.
“Like what?” responds C—, only half interested in his little brother’s response.
“I don’ know…. just something….”
M—- chuckles from his spot in a chair across the room, resuming his tossing of a Hacky Sack into the air over and over again with the same hand, having abandoned actually standing and kicking it around in the air half an hour earlier… Ch—- always says this.
“It’s not like we can actually go anywhere, anyway, Ch—,” M— reminds him, “seeing as how it’s already nine o’clock and all, and your parents have gone to bed.”
Ch—- is silent for a moment, reflecting, ignoring M—‘s comment.
“I wanna go swimming,” Ch—- says, “That’s what I wanna do: go swimming.
Let’s go swimming, you guys!”
“In which pool exactly?… None are open and, in case you forgot, we don’t have a pool,” C— calmly reminds him.
M— speaks up, “Swimming actually would be pretty nice right now.. zI could totally go for a swim.”
Baffled, C— regards him, eyebrows scrunched together, raised.
“What?” asks M—, defensively, “I’m just saying I’m not against the idea.”
“Again, where would we be doing this swimming? Nowhere is open.”
“Too bad we don’t live near the ocean – the beach is always open!” Ch— chimes in, somewhat passively.
C— turns to look at M—, then slowly tilts his head to one side, eyebrows raised…
M— regards C—, questioning at first, and then raises his eyebrows in recognition, drops the sides of his lips, and raises a shoulder, as if to say, ‘Why not?’
“Whadda you say?” asks C— to M—.
Ch— sits up suddenly, looking back and forth between the two older boys, jaw dropping in disbelief.
“Let’s do this,” declares C—-.
The three jump up, and each rushes to grab a few items, including the keys, use a bathroom, eat a quick snack before moving silently and stealthily toward the minivan that is parked in the driveway – their mother’s minivan and the only vehicle C— has started driving since getting his license recently.
An hour later, the trio find themselves on the Galveston beach, Ch— frolicking gaily in the sand at the water’s edge, while the other two take another hit on their unsophisticated and uncaring palates.
Ch— and M— share a drink or two, but they forbid C— from drinking – he is still driving them home later, and even the stupidity of the youth has its limits when dealing with genuinely smart and somewhat self-aware teenage boys.
By three a.m., they are careening back toward Houston, searching for a gas station with a vacuum to clean out C— and Ch—‘s mom’s minivan – it is filled with sand, though no one quite remembers when or how it all got in there – the haze of the fun was kind of in the way for them.
Eventually, they find it, and somehow manage to clean the minivan up really well, returning it to its nighttime place in the driveway.
Finally back home, the boys head silently into the back of the house, and lapse into total unconsciousness in the form of sleep.
It is five a.m.
At seven, their mom wakes up, and heads off to work, leaving the boys to their usual sleeping in routine, unconcerned.
When, after a week, no parent has mentioned anything, the boys begin to believe fully that they actually away with it.
And, somehow, they did…
Today’s topic is sex, apparently, though in a totally detached and unconcerned, un-exotic approach to the topic…
This morning, listening to music on Pandora while working, I am only noticing the occasional phrase in the music, as I am rather focused on what I am doing.
However, one line of one song leaps out at me after the fact…!the song has already moved onward by far, and my head is reeling on this line it knows it just heard, though it wasn’t aware at the time.
“Tu fais l’amour en deux poussées,” was the line in this song (“Adieu”) by Coeur De Pirate, and it made me inhale sharply and chuckle heartily, all while making a silly face in response to the idea that this woman clearly just called someone out… and in a song… that’s going to be around for quite some time, and someone out there will have to know that it is about him….
My thoughts after that were merely, ‘Oh, snap!‘ repeated over and over again as I considered that one particular line.
I quickly jotted it down, laughed some more, and then continued on with my work.
So began the silly sex topic for today.
Standing in line at the store tonight, I noticed the couple who had stepped into line behind me.
The man was mumbling up a storm, leaving me to wonder whether he was even speaking English, but the woman was clearly responding in English, though not actually clearly, as she seemed to be somewhat mumbling, too, just significantly less than the man was.
I listened somewhat carefully, though still rather passively, for a minute, and determined that he was, in fact, speaking English, just super sloppily and mumbled, and then I returned to ignoring them altogether.
That is, until, another thirty seconds later, perhaps, from the cluttered mumbling that was the general sound cloud behind me sprouted a sudden inspirational clarity of language from the man.
“I should start charging you for my shirts.”
“No-oo!” responds the woman, in that two-syllabic, nearly outraged response we tend to have to absurd, somewhat stupid ideas.
I turn round in the silence that follows, curiosity demanding a glimpse of how these people look and whether they are joking genuinely or are being passive-aggressive or mean with one another.
The woman is wearing a men’s t-shirt, which I notice immediately, but is also very pregnant, which I didn’t notice at first.
I laugh as I turn around to them, and I see that the woman is somewhat smiling: they are having fun.
After a few moments of silence, the woman replies, still in a slightly outraged tone of voice, “Then I ought to start charging you for sex.”
Momentary silence ensues… the man must be thinking up his response, or perhaps he was just out in his place(?)…, but I think more the former as I am standing, enthralled and half-panicked, half-agreeing with the woman’s idea…
The man then speaks up, hurried with his words, and making a bit of a fumble, but just rolling with it, “Good thing I don’t have any money right now, ’cause I really wouldn’t owe you anything, anyway…”
Another quick silence, this one much quicker than the last.
She replies, “Yeah…,” fully acknowledging that he is accurate in his statement, and then continues, now in a genuine and honest tone, “Sorry about that…”
And they both smile, likely delighting in the future they are to have with the growing baby that presently resides underneath all of the man’s t-shirts.
Thus ended the topic of the day’s incidents (aside from writing this right now, of course).
Some of my most beloved memories aren’t actually my own memories.
How my cousins would marry multiple friends at their school’s spring fling – marrying was one of the booths at the event, and so you could pay a dollar and be spring fling married to as many people as dollars you wanted to pay…
How my mom came across my brothers, aged about four years and one year, in a room with “MICHAEL MICHAEL MICHAEL MICHAEL” written a few feet off the ground, all over the walls… A—- could barely hold onto a marker, let alone stand tall enough to reach the words, as well as being able to write letters, and yet Michael says honestly to my mom, “A—- did it.”
When that same brother, aged maybe a year more, was angry at my mom at home, and declared in a huffy huff, “Well, you’re a…. you’re a damn!” and then stormed out, while my mom did her best not to explode in front of him with laughter.
And, once more, when that brother was a little younger, and he was with my mom at the store, and he began throwing a fit about not being allowed to have a toy of some sort, and my mom told him to hang on, and she asked the lady a few feet away from them, “Excuse me, ma’am, is he loud enough? Can you hear him okay?”… and my brother shut up really quickly…
One of the best memories is from a video in which A—- receives a birthday present, when aged around four or five years, that is inside a massive cardboard box in the garage… Michael stands within view, his back to the camera, awesome bicycle shorts on full display, and then picks a massive wedgie… a few moments later, A—- walks inside the cardboard box, disappearing from view, and everyone suddenly hears, in a little boy’s imperfect pronunciation, “Batman bike!!!”
He then appears, walking out of the box, pushing an awesome little Batman bicycle with training wheels (and all the boys are instantly envious).
These are a few of my favorite memories…, and yet none of them even had me present, and most were before I was even born.
They aren’t exactly my memories…
That someone how doesn’t change the the fact that I love them dearly, nor that I share them regularly with people.
I still find it somewhat weird, nonetheless, because, again, they aren’t even my own experiences that I’m remembering – just the stories of the experiences… perhaps that is how things are when people love events from history, you know?
The great wars or movements or, even, fashions or movies…. they are, in a way, borrowed memories…
P.S. A big bug hit me in the face on the way home today, and it hurt. 😛 haha
Do most people only spend time with friends in the form of doing something together?
Growing up, we would sit on the phone together, talking for hours – or as long as our parents would allow us – or we would go over to one another’s houses with no specific plan in mind, and just sit around together, talking, exploring aspects of life, and then doing whatever struck our fancy within the realm of that house/yard/neighborhood, but mostly house.
We didn’t really arrange anything – we just said to come over, and the other person did.
Nowadays, I can tell if it is adulthood or changing culture, but it feels as though this is no longer an option, or, at least, and acceptable one.
There are people with whom I want to spend more time in my life, and yet it feels as though I must come up with something for us to go do together, not at anyone’s home…
And I kind of feel like this is because, if I invited the person to my home, I would be at extreme risk of sounding like I am sharing an invitation for sex, or something like it, be it male or female I invite over.
Do you ever get that feeling?
I make a really good long-distance friend, in large part because – okay, mostly because I remember to call and I make time for my friends, but also because of this – well, because I can hang out over the phone.
One of my good friends and I regularly call one another to talk while we go on walks, sometimes together and sometimes with only one of us walking… and we just talk about anything and nothing, as though we were walking side-by-side.
My mom and I set the phone on speaker, and then each continue doing whatever we were doing, working on projects at home, or running errands, or whatever…
I love just hanging out with the people in my life, no pretext; just simply a matter of wanting to know what he or she was up to then and for the rest of the day, and does he/she want to hang out for a while (via phone or in person)…
And I’m scared of doing that…
Is that a real concern worth having, or is it all in my head that this isn’t exactly normal behavior with adults these days, just to invite one another over to hang out and do nothing in particular but be around one another voluntarily?
I’m thinking it’s kind of a mix… perhaps only good friends do this, not people of varying degrees of acquaintance… you know what I mean?
Hmm… we’ll see what I manage about this… I’m curious to see what I’ll do and how…