Perspective

Today, one of my best friends from college told me that, though it is a vague idea, she knows what kind of book she would want to read if I had written it. She told me that I am the only person she knows who lives for the journey, and not the destination. Most people plan out their lives based on where they want to be down the road…, But then, as she mentioned, I take a two-hour detour on a 14-hour drive, simply because I saw something that interested me…, And it doesn’t bother me one bit that it added so much time to the already long drive. She gave other examples, too, that illustrated her point quite well.

What stuck out the most for me, though, is that I have never considered my life with these words…, Yet they seemed absolutely true. In the past six months, I have been struggling with a regular question of whether I am living my life all wrongly, if I’m messing everything up by doing things the way I am doing them. And I see now: the whole reason I’ve been feeling that way lately, is because I have been comparing my life to everyone else’s lives… But that is like comparing bananas to chairs – they are not comparable, not in the least.

I am not playing the same game as everyone else, and when I compare where I am to where they are, I am certainly failing their game…, But, as I said, I am not playing their game.

Some might say that I take the road less traveled, but I really think that I often don’t take the road at all… I explore the detours, and end up somewhere completely unexpected.

(This point can be quite literally illustrated by a recent hike I took with a friend of mine… She wanted to stay on the main path, and I was curious as to what this possible detour path would show us… Where we ended up was spectacular, and completely unexpected… And then I found another semi-path back to the main road, way up ahead, while my friend went all the way back the way we had come…)

I’m beginning to think that this is a huge part of why, whenever I have been asked the question of where I see myself in five or ten or 15 or 50 years, I could never quite provide an answer… It’s not that my imagination isn’t great enough, but that I genuinely have no clue as to where I will end up and what I will be doing. I know the person I will be, I know that I will love and I will be loved. Beyond that, though, there’s a world of possibilities, and each one has an innumerable set of detours I might explore. It is likely that, in this moment, my wildest dreams couldn’t tell me where I will be in five or ten years… Or even in one…

When I considered jobs growing up and throughout college, and even now, I’ve always kind of had the feeling of, ‘Why pick one? Let’s give them all a try,’ though, without actually putting it into those words.

It’s funny to me how much sense this all makes, simply because of two sentences that a friend of mine said to me today… Let us remember that I words carry so much power – whether we realize it or not, whether we feel it or not, someone feels it more than we likely ever will know.

You know, for the first time in several months, I think I can breathe fully easily now… I was right that I am failing at this life…, But I had forgotten that that life was not the one I ever wanted to live…

Now, I am free to live my life…

And that is just about the most exciting thing I have ever considered or said… 😀

P.S. Early, early this morning, the world lost the physical presence of one of the greatest people I have ever known, and possibly ever will know… I haven’t talked about it with anyone, and I don’t want to yet – I’m not ready for that. However, I feel like she was with me today in this whole realization… She has been a huge part of almost every major moment in my life since I began college, and I swear she was here this evening. 🙂 I have a feeling she will continue to be here in my life.

Post-a-day 2020

Last night

Couldn’t seem to sleep well, but had to get up early this morning.

Went back to sleep after morning work was completed.

Slept hard.

Really hard.

Woke up and had breakfast at 2:30 in the afternoon.

Accomplished lots more, including a real workout for the first time in a couple weeks.

Hastily closing up chore shop, as I realize it is almost one in the morning, and I have to be up early in the morning…

Goodness, I am still not very good at this early morning thing.

Fortunately (and unfortunately), I have things I must do that will last well into early afternoon tomorrow, so I won’t end up back in bed for hours that will keep me up at night (which is almost a guarantee that I likely will be tired for most of the day).

**Sigh…

Goodnight, I suppose… there is much more to be done here in my room, and it has me wondering if I wouldn’t prefer to hold off another day on my departure to ‘the small-town house getaway’ that was scheduled for tomorrow afternoon… we shall see… tomorrow!

Post-a-day 2020

32,000 troops in New York Harbor

I just e-mailed a history expert in order to find a possible answer to two questions my mom and I had out of watching “Hamilton”.

1) How many men would have been aboard each ship?

2) How long was the journey from England to New York in 1776?

We wanted to know how many ships were in the harbor in order to produce 32,000 troops, as the line in the song says, and realized that we had no idea how big the ships even were and what their capacities were for men (and ammunition, etc.).

And that set of thoughts led us to wondering how long they had had to spend at sea.

And so, rather than put forth lots of effort in researching myself, I figured it smartest to reach out to an expert first, and doing further personal research second, if needed.

Why does this even matter?

Because we are total nerds in my family, and we care about things like this. 😛

I mean, what else would one be asking after watching “Hamilton”? Haha

Post-a-day 2020

Who I am

I am back home now (from my most recent traveling adventures to pursue and be with love and nature), and I am experiencing that odd yet familiar feeling I get whenever I live elsewhere and then come back to Houston… the one where it feels like all that time I spent away didn’t actually happen, and that that much time has my actually passed since I was last here… and that I, therefore, must not have changed in any way…

And, for a brief period of rising intensity of panic, I begin to wonder if I will go back to the person I was before I left, and my time and experiences elsewhere really will be erased from my life.

Then, somehow, I come to, and I take a stand for myself and how proud I am first to have accomplished all that I accomplished and second to be the person I am now.

There is stuff I do not like about being here in particular, and the concerns of ‘going back to how things were’ are real for me right now… I do not want to do that.

And so, I must and I will stand for myself and my goals and dreams in this life, and I will let these baller things sprout and flower in these coming days and weeks and months… and I can hardly wait for this garden I will have produced in the not-so-distant future in my life and in the world around me.

World, here we come. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Homeward Bound

One of my favorite sets of movies when I was a child, it was…

Anyway, I’m headed home in the morning.

Well, in the afternoon, I suppose… I’m packing up in the morning, though, and possibly going to a museum quickly after I do some tutoring, and before I head out.

I’m headed to Dallas area in the morning, and am meeting someone there for a drink or something, and then I’ll be heading home after that, in the later afternoon.

And I might actually be even head to that until almost noon, anyway.

So, I’m headed home at some point tomorrow. 😛

And I’m not opposed to a detour along the way, either… I just need to be able to be in Austin on Monday for hiking.

This time, it will be hot and humid hiking… I likely will miss Madison’s weather greatly. 😛

But that’s okay… the hiking will be lovely, and my skin will be glad to have humidity back in its life… it’s been so dry up north these past few weeks, both in Wisconsin and in OKC.

So… a lot is ready to begin at home… I am almost ready for it to begin… and I am ready to jump on in, anyway. 🙂

This life is beautiful, and this next part of it is likely to be a glorious and fun adventure. 🙂

Here’s to our next steps, y’all: Cheers. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Guess(t) what!

I keep going back to how, when I was staying with a friend at her house, – yes, a house and not an apartment – she was very excited to inform me that she had guest towels now.  She was so utterly excited about that fact, likely on account of its sounding so grown-up like, that I didn’t say anything about it.  However, it seems to be that this is her first time of having guest towels, right?  Well, I have noticed in the past that one of the first things I do, whenever I move in somewhere, is prepare for the possibility of a guest or guests coming to stay with me.  This has always included having extra towels for these guests to use, and enough blankets and pillows, as well as a handful of other things I consider to be important to have available for a guest’s use.

Now, one might think that I have guests over all the time, if this is something I always seem to do.  I actually think I don’t often have guests stay over, and it has been almost never for my current place of residence this past year and a half.  However, I definitely have had people come stay with me at each of my other residences…, and plenty of those times were last-minute or spur-of-the-moment or totally unplanned sleepovers.  Because of that, I have always just made sure that I am prepared… you never know when the opportunity will arise, right?  That’s how I see it, anyway, and so I make sure that I am always prepared.

If only we could get the part of me that keeps my living space super tidy to view things that way, too, so that I just would keep my living space always tidy… Alas, it does not see things that way so far, and my clutter-y messiness wins out on a regular basis still.  I am, however, working on improvement in that area, and have improved much already in recent years.  And I have finally accepted that, well, I am messy – not dirty, but messy, untidy – with my living and working spaces.  That acknowledgement has definitely helped me to plan a little extra mental space and time to spend tidying up regularly, and so the tidiness has lasted longer and longer lately, and the messy stages shorter and shorter!

Anyway, I’m off to sleep – much still to do in the next day or so, before I head home…, and I am still very tired and sleepy after the car ride yesterday.  I went 872.0 miles, with an average of 27.9 miles per gallon through hill after hill in a lovely Jeep Compass for 13 hours and 42 minutes of drive time yesterday, going from Madison, Wisconsin, to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.  I left at 4:45 in the morning from my brother’s driveway, and arrived in my cousin’s at 20:22 (that’s 8:22pm), meaning I spent 15 hours and 37 minutes on the road, in some capacity or other.  (Though, I really enjoyed the part that involved taking fabulous photos of the Bridges of Madison County, despite the snakes everywhere!)  That’s a lot for a day, especially after having gone to bed at midnight the night before, and struggled to sleep at all due to paranoia around potential bug bites… (It turned out to have been from hiking on Friday that I got the bites, and they just didn’t show up until Saturday morning, all itchy and swollen and red, leaving me to think that something was in the bed, biting me overnight… but, we didn’t piece that together until last night, after I was long gone from the imagined bed bugs that had kept me out of restful sleep those four hours of planned sleep.)

So, anyway, I’m off to sleep now.  Goodnight, all!  😉

Post-a-day 2020

Nature days

I’ve been up north for over a week now, and I hadn’t even noticed it.

I had some definitely intense decompressing that happened at the start, and then have begun truly embracing the weather and the nature here in the more recent days.

I had expected to do much more sooner, but I apparently wasn’t ready for it… today, even, I finally woke up after having slept for ten hours (with bathroom breaks, as usual)… clearly, I was still struggling to catch up on my sleep.

But things in my brain have been healing, and my body is beginning to understand the healing, too.

Hopefully, it all is rolling well now – I want to enjoy my time here by doing more than just catch up on sleep, you know? 😛

On a separate note, I might have two spider bites on my back… not sure, but they seem like massive welts from a bite of some sort, but they don’t really hurt… they just sting a tad if I scratch at them.

So, I put some special stuff on them just now, and we’ll see how they are in the morning… fingers crossed that they improve dramatically overnight, and that the rest of my skin stays well and smooth.

Anyway, I’m off to sleep… here’s a small teaser from today’s afternoon activities.

Post-a-day 2020

Today

Today, I had delicious food and beverage, provided by my cousin.

I was upgraded for free to a rental car that was more than double the price of what I reserved, and is much nicer and fancier and comfier.

And the guy gave me an extra 5% discount for a hassle I had in picking up the car (some locations are closed, and the reservation said that someone would be in touch, if I needed to go to a difference location, but no one got in touch to tell me to go to a different location. So, we showed up and found a son in the door, which indicated what nearby location was open, and we went there instead.).

It is a Jeep, and I am excited.

And the plates remind me of a good friend of mine!

And I started my period today, and day two is the day on which I have to go to the bathroom somewhat constantly…, so that was a bit of irony for me, – I had wanted to be past day two by the time I arrived to my brother’s house, you see – but it’ll be okay.

Also, I have to stop for an hour at nine in the morning to tutor somewhere that has good cell service… aka a real city.

My options are 2:45, 4:16, and 5:50 away (hours:minutes)… so, we’ll see what happens with my bathroom breaks overnight tonight, and that will determine if I leave for the farther-away locations, or just the nearest one… :/

Anyway… off to sleep now!!

Wish me safe and happy travels for tomorrow! 😉 ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Oklahoma, OK

And so the adventure has begun…

I had a bit of a cry fest this morning, on the phone with my mom, after I asked her to help me clear my mental space, and prepare myself fully for this whole trip.

I couldn’t handle the packing and all, and hadn’t yet started almost any of it, because the sheer volume of what all needed to be done to be gone for three plus weeks was really starting to stress me out… and I had only determined this the day beforehand, and gotten home late that night, after sitting and waiting for hours at one place, and then sitting in absurd traffic that supported the unfortunate and extreme unconsciousness on which our country tends to run, for another couple hours.

And I needs to leave home by 1pm.

So, I was stressed in terms of packing, to say the least.

Add to that my intense stress that has had me feel such an urge and almost-need to take this road trip ok the first place…, and we have some rather intense and almost incomprehensible levels and quantities of stress… it’s no wonder I was asking for help.

But, I used a lot of tissues, and I cleaned out my sinuses really well, and, though my mom went on tangents at times, the clearing really helped me to clear the space for myself, and get to work… and not just get to work, but get to work excited about it all.

And I left well after one… more like 2:35pm…

But I am here.

And I am happy to be here.

And my cousin is happy to have me here.

And I am going to sleep now.

Goodnight. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Struggle Bus

Boy, has this weekend been giving me a run for my money… oh, wait… I don’t really have any money….

Well, it has certainly made me feel like I am slowly falling to pieces via a slow and painful inward collapse from anger, frustration, and helplessness…

And I know everything will be great and more than fine, and I am great and more than fine, and everything else hopeful and positive in my life will be amazing… I know all of that.

Nonetheless, I am having lots of emotions hit me pretty hard this weekend.

An escape to the forest and mountains would be spectacular right now… some nature would be good for me, instead of a house in the middle of a city with all of its parks closed for the time being…

Anyway, I haven’t got that option.

But it was nice to visualize it for a few moments…

Perhaps I’ll just go to sleep somewhat early again tonight.

I slept really hard and well last night, and for eleven hours – clearly I was lacking in sleep.

Now, we shall see if tonight’s rest will help me tomorrow…

Time for some more meditation and reading, and then I shall pray for healing through sleep.

Wishing you all well,

Peace

Hannah

Post-a-day 2020