Jump– jump– jump– jump
Fleas are just darn terrible, especially without a pet… at least, with a pet, they stay on the pet… without the pet, they spread everywhere, and attack every warm body that passes through (which happens to be my warm body, my being the only one who actually lives here and isn’t a big of some sort)…
Help me, Lord… I have a struggle beyond this, and the fleas are just making everything worse and somewhat terrible.
You see, have you ever heard the song “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette?
This section has lived in my head off and on ever since I first learned the song, way back when:
A traffic jam when you’re already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife…
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think
A little too ironic, and yeah I really do think
It is all too ironic, I dare say, that this line about the man and his wife always stuck with me as a child, and now it has resurfaced in the face of reality hitting the mark of a reasonable validity in the statement.
That is, in more sensical wording, that line has come true for me.
I met this “man of my dreams” several months ago – and he even became the actual man of my daydreams over time.
Every time we are together, I am filled with light and love, and I am inspired to be the best version I can be of myself… and I want him to enjoy himself and have a wonderful time, and I take care to help along his enjoyment in the interaction.
We inevitably have a wonderful time.
And I drink up his smile.
And his eyes… those eyes that keep contact… they are that kind of eyes.
Every new thing I learn about him and every new experience I have with him increases his perfection as this “man of my dreams”.
Everything except the seemingly inevitable, that is…
I finally paid attention enough to his hands this last time I saw him – something I never seem to check on people, and so it had to be a conscious effort this time – and discovered a wedding band.
He had on another ring, too, so there was a chance it was just a ring and not a wedding band…, but then I learned of his beautiful and wonderful wife, and their beautiful darlings of children.
It was confirmed…
When I considered it all, I discovered that I truly was unsurprised by the information… just bummed.
All the good ones really are taken…(!!!)
A somewhat jokingly thought thought, but it seems to strike rather truly these days.
I never really expected him to be single, available… he’s too great, too comfortable in himself and with me and others… he has confidence in his place with his partner and family.
But there’s always a chance that a great guy won’t be unavailable, I tell myself, because I’m not with anyone, you know, and I’m great…
Anyway…, moving onward…
It stresses me sad to know that this guy, for sure, is not a potential partner in my life.
And… surprisingly,… yet not surprisingly,… I find hope in it all.
Firstly, that this guy exists suggests that it is possible someone else like he is could exist, someone so wonderful.
Secondly, that this guy is such a good guy that he can have a wonderful, non romantic time with me, even though he is married, makes him an even better guy than thought….
Which, then, makes the first point an even bigger and better deal…
Thirdly, there were two tiny, unchangeable aspects to him that I don’t particularly love (but that I found myself to be okay with reasonably quickly as I spent more time with the guy), and perhaps this is a piece of why he is not the one for me nor I the one for him… and perhaps the one for me will share many qualities with this guy, and yet those tiny disliked aspects will be gone in the one for me…
So, ultimately, it’s a good thing… all of it.
And… I’m even relieved a bit… no offense, but I didn’t and don’t want to have those tiny drawback aspects if I don’t have to have them, you know?
I mean, I definitely am still not quite over it all… it is still a blow to know for sure something like this, even when you had somewhat suspected it all along…, but I also can see that I will be over it, and likely rather soon.
I don’t recall at present which character where said it, but pain demands to be felt… I agree with that… when we ignore pain, it changes, but ultimately worsens.
So, I talked with my cousin, just to communicate my frustration and sadness today, because I realized it was time to let this all go… we discovered that I think I need to have a final cry to get the last dregs out and gone in the matter, so that then I can resume a wonderful friendship with a wonderful, inspiring guy.