Turning insignificant into loved

I started working at a clothing store as a part-time job recently. And kind of ‘just because I wanted to do it’. I had never worked in retail before this, and I had often felt that I might be well-suited to being paid to organize and fold stuff (something I already do when I go into stores as a customer, anyway, but, of course, not for pay). So, I am giving it a go.

Walking to the store today to work, I had geared up for the pouring rain: Waterproof boots, a long raincoat, backpack waterproof cover, and an umbrella. The only thing not covered directly by waterproof material was my sweatpants – odd how that is singular yet not…. a single item of clothing, yet referenced as a plural for its two legs… yet we do not reference a shirt as plural for its two arms/sleeves…

Anyway, so, I am being very careful as I walk on the sidewalk. It is placed directly beside the road, with no buffer – genius, I know (meaning What idiotic brain fart planned this sidewalk?). Whenever I come up to a spot where there is a puddle in the road, I quickly run a large arc away from it, before joining back with the sidewalk, doing my best to avoid any possibility of being splashed by passing cars.

Just after I cross the train tracks, when there is nowhere to arc , and I am just running in a straight line to pass a puddle, a single car comes speeding up from behind me. There are no other cars around, and the car easily can move into the left lane and avoid hitting the massive puddle on the right lane… and the bright yellow individual who cannot be considered invisible right now.

The car does not move over. I notice just in time to jump forward and pull up my legs as best I can in front of me.

Almost my entire left pant leg, and some of my right, is suddenly soaked, completely through to my skin. My leg is actually dripping wet on the left.

I curse in an outraged yell, as I continue on my way, somehow embarrassed.

After setting everything down in the back at work, I change into my regular shoes, and head out to check in, eyes already beginning to burn. The moment she asks me how I’m doing – the standard check-in – I starts to cry. I cannot help myself.

I’m okay, but I’m not okay right now, I manage to say a couple times. I explain briefly what happened and that my pants are currently soaked through, and that, as I am now seeing with clarity, I am not only physically uncomfortable, but I am living in the experience of having been unworthy of being noticed. Insignificant out on the street, thus completely missed by the driver. That was my experience, no matter what logic told me, and I was still processing that experience and all the emotions that went with it.

She got it completely. Do I want to go change? she offers. I don’t have anything to change into, I reply, still in active tears.

“Okay, do you want to go pick out some pants?” I hesitate, considering how it doesn’t work for me to go buy something for myself right now.

“I’ll get you some pants,” she clarifies at my hesitation to respond. “Go pick something out from the sales rack, and come check back in with me, and I’ll get them for you. And then you can go change.”

And so I did. And she did. And I changed into dry, fancy, brand new pants. And the world was suddenly a lot easier to take in when I was no longer soaking wet and mentally preparing how to survive the next five hours as such, and somehow be in a good mood and help people and walk around with ease.

I checked back in with her once I was changed, expressed clear and direct gratitude for handling the situation so well – so immediately and so effectively – and for creating a space for me to clear things up for myself by removing the strong physical discomfort aspect of the situation. (Think how we are miserable and can’t function properly when we are super hungry, and then our brains suddenly work again after we’ve gotten the needed nutrition. Better yet, think about how a bull or horse will buck and buck like crazy, even after the cowboy is off its back, until that miserably tight burr strap is loosed off its hindquarters.) It has been a no-brainer for her, and she was glad to have been able to help clear it all up for me. After all – and she didn’t say this, but we both know it – I can serve the store and its customers best when I am at my best… and wet and miserable is certainly not my best. So, it was beneficial to the store for me to have the new pants, more so than just the cost of the pants, but for the cost of all the customers with whom I would come in contact the rest of the day.

I don’t know if she bought them herself, or if there is a budget for the store to be used for such odd, here-and-there occasions. And I’m okay with it either way. I am nonetheless grateful that this person considered such a solution, whatever the details of it, and made it happen. And immediately. It made a world of a difference for me, and I was and still am extremely grateful.

Plus, I actually really like the pants. They were comfy to wear, and they are a really pretty color. Thank you, K. You turned a terrible experience into a lovely and loving one. And I am grateful.

Post-a-day 2020

Company Tonight

It rained a lot today, and for a long time. I had exercised and showered and gotten all dressed up happily to go out and be around people – only a few, but people, nonetheless. Yet, because the rain was so much, so intense, and expected to last all afternoon and evening (which it did), my outing was canceled.

And so, I spent the whole day yet again indoors (minus the quick check for a pretty cloud in the East, which I wasn’t able to see, during a pause in the rain just before sunset), all on my own.

It was okay. I have been working on being okay with this inevitable situation of being so totally on my own. I’ve even come to enjoy it a bit at times. It has not been easy to feel that I am doing the right thing with my life when I am sitting at home on my own each and every day. But, perhaps, this is a chance to see whether the things I typically would be out doing around to with people are things that fall under the category of ‘the life I want to lead’. Am I actually doing that, or am I distracting myself just enough to have me think I am, when I am not leading the life I want to lead? This time has been very difficult for me in a very beneficial way.

I have been afraid of it – and I still am – but I am grateful nonetheless for this opportunity and this time. God, help me to do the best I can with it each day and night. Thank you. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Swirlytop

I don’t have much to say right now, tonight. Except that I feel a lot of that old hurricane season waiting for the next 24-48 hours. It could be disaster, and it could be simply some winds and rain and no biggie whatsoever. It could not even do that much – the storm could turn elsewhere entirely, or dissipate immediately upon landfall. They all have happened in my lifetime, and more than once. I guess that, in a way, growing up in such a place, I find myself calmly in the middle of the total and extreme fear and concern, and of, its polar opposite, utter chill and calm and unconcern – it shall pass. Because they always do pass. Like final exams, next week, they will be over and done with, but there is a huge hurdle to get through them to next week. And all we can do is just prepare and then wait.

As I was saying recently to someone, having grown up in southeast Texas, hurricane season, somehow, always gives me a sense of at-home-ness. I guess it is kind of how I felt so comfortable with all of the earthquakes in Japan, because they happened so often (weekly, was the average where I lived). In a way, they were representative of my home there. So, I have this odd sort of affinity for earthquakes now. (In fact, when still living in Japan, it am earthquake didn’t happen for a couple weeks, I would feel so out of sorts, it seemed nuts. When finally one happened again, I felt like I could breathe more easily, more freely again.) And I think the link between hurricanes and my childhood, being with my family through them (and through their aftermaths), has me feel this sense of homeyness and comfort around hurricane season now.

Also, I am rather fascinated with the powerful display of this planet’s abilities of power. Air and water, two things we need to be alive, are the exact things that can take away this life via a hurricane. Yet there is beauty in their power, both figuratively and literally.

Funny: I just realized that I even felt incredibly at-home when we had typhoons in Japan. Just like home, I suppose was the feeling. Haha. How odd this all is…, but that doesn’t make it so any less.

Over the next couple or few days, there is a potential of two hurricanes to pass this way. We shall see what happens, I pray.

P.S. While this has never happened in my lifetime, I think there has never in known history been two such storms developing in the Gulf of Mexico at the same time. She’s kind of a one-storm-at-a-time kind of Gulf. ;P

Post-a-day 2020

Just do it

I did it!

I started work on creating my first book, and I started work on producing the first edition of the online women’s magazine I am starting!

I came up with ten (10) plot ideas for the book, as I said last night that I would do today, and I even really like certain ones of them… like really like them.

I got on the phone with a friend whom I want to be a secondary voice on moving the magazine forward with me, and she helped me organize out certain bits already for it.

I sent her the general outline I had of everything this evening, and she will look at it tomorrow, and get back to me on her response to it either tomorrow or Friday.

I compiled the contact list for the various contributors who are confirmed, and whom I am considering bringing on to the project.

I reached out on social media for contributors (without saying what specifically the reason was) in a couple areas that were lacking contributors.

And now, my brain is going almost nonstop, just chugging along with considerations regarding the magazine.

It is a good kind of busy in my brain right now, and I think it is definitely helping keep me away from thoughts of the intense citrus smell in my room right now – and the accidental addition of isopropyl alcohol to the steaming mix over the burning candle – due to not only the dying roach I found downstairs this morning, but the live one I found crossing on top of my swimsuit an hour ago in my bedroom… and that is currently trapped in my painting water jar downstairs…

Yeah, so, moving on…

My task for tomorrow with the book – I think I need to give myself a task every day for the book – will be to come up with five (5) more plot ideas that seem particularly crazy and out of my typical comfort zone of writing and style (think zombies and goth and erotic romance novels!… :P), and then to flesh out at least two of my plot ideas, including one of the crazy ones.

Yikes – tomorrow will be a silly one for the book! 😛 Haha

I’m excited, and I can hardly wait. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Today’s list

I had several things on my list for ‘want to accomplish’ today.

The first half happened beautifully.

The second half were avoided beautifully.

Instead of doing laundry and folding clothes, I rearranged a bit of furniture how I had been contemplating doing for a while now, and then I cleaned up piles of papers and such that I had had around the floor in my room.

And I organized all my paperwork and labeled it to bring to my CPA.*

It was a huge positive move, but definitely not on the list for today. 😛

I also, instead of working on the photos – I moved them to tomorrow, when I’ll be somewhere with Internet already, using my computer, and can stay a while – today, I expanded immensely the efforts I had intended to make with my Italian studies.

Until just a few minutes ago, I was working on the Italian, which was possibly the fourth time today… I even did detail work on it… and that’s saying something.

I also, instead of hopping to it on those aforementioned tasks, I got myself out of the house, down to our main park in town, and I walked.

For hours.

I even ran into a friend, and I joined her and her friend (and the friend’s daughter) for another hour plus, which started right about when I had been considering heading home.

(Suffice it to say that I walked a lot today, and it was great.)

(And I rode the park train twice… and that was lovely(!).)

All in all, I had a great day.

I even listened to a couple hours of my audiobook while cooking/eating and then walking at the park.

So much accomplished today… it feels good going to bed now, exhausted from a reason other than illness.

Not typically my style, but I would like for it to become my style.

Last week was a good start, and this week was even better… let’s keep this Sunday outdoor social activity + self-improvement stuff up, Banana. 😉

*Not that I’m bourgeais (bourgey?) or anything – I hardly have money to survive in this society at the moment; I just used to work for her, and so we have a sort of arrangement for my taxes to be handled.

Post-a-day 2020

Wetter weather

Riding home tonight, I was quite chilled at the drop in temperature from when I had initially gone out while the sun was still up, but I knew I could handle the twenty-ish blocks I had to go, so I wasn’t worried.

Plus, I had verified that no rain percentage was forecast (above 0%, anyway), and I was heading straight home, anyway, so I would be okay.

Nonetheless, I wasn’t exactly taking my time to get up those twenty blocks to home – I was going as fast as was acceptable.

Which made it even colder for me.

And then, just as I was glad to have avoided something on the road, I feel a sort of odd spwhack! on my whole body.

Just as I begin to process the wetness of all of my exposed skin, I realize that I have just driven through a poorly placed water sprinkler.

Though it chilled me that much more, the comedy of it warmed me with laughter the rest of the way home… I could hardly stop laughing at the silliness and the irony combined.

😛

Post-a-day 2020

The rain in Spain

Stays mainly in the plains.

But, in Cebu, it pours everywhere, and with all it’s got, albeit only in approximate 5- to 20-minute increments.

The wind grows cool, and the temperature feels like it drops almost ten degrees Celsius, and it seems like the impending rain will last forever, until, when you turn your back for a moment, it suddenly starts pouring, and you turn back ’round and notice the rain…, then it clears up within two minutes, the clouds part and clear away, and the sun shines with all its glory once again, as the temperature pops back up that same ten degrees again to a warm – oh, so warm – 29-35°C.

As I write this, just that has happened.

The air was cool and windy, the sky was dark, but no rain had started.

I turned my attention here, and then, as I looked back up after a few minutes of writing, I saw the rain falling all around.

It is not quite finished yet, but the sky is already brightening… it will not be much longer before the sky is clear of this rain once again.

P.S. There are far too many flies for me to be comfortable here (in addition to all the other huge dislikes), but I am rolling with it and hanging in there.

Post-a-day 2019

Pain

My knees hurt.

And I didn’t even go to the gym today.

I had considered going in the morning, but only if I work up at the right time, which is just after 4am.

I woke up at 3am, and was very wobbly on my feet, heading down to the bathroom…, so I knew I wasn’t doing the morning class – I could go at noon.

I had plenty of time after tutoring ended, so I went to fill my water bottle.

By the time I was at my scooter, it was 21 ’til, and the gym is almost half an hour from school…, so I would have to go at 4:30pm, when the rain would be starting, but would be less than during the later classes.

Plus, it wouldn’t be as cold as it would be for the later classes…, but it still would suck.

After eating a late lunch at home, I was exhausted, and could barely keep my eyes open.

My headache had subsided somewhat, but had been around since around 10am, and was becoming a little overwhelming for me.

My knees had been hurting since I’d gotten up for real in the morning.

I finally wasn’t dizzy or wobbly anymore, but my face was hurting, from the slight congestion behind my nose, combining with the pressure change happening outside… or so I declared, anyway.

I determined and chose not to go anywhere else today – I called my mom and let her know that I was going upstairs to get ready for bed shortly, despite the fact that it was only nearly 3pm.

Seeing as how my knees are still hurting right now, hours later, I think t was the right decision not to go to the gym today.

Plus, I caught up on that podcast (An Addict Named Mary), and put away a lot of laundry, and organized a lot of laundry, cleaning up a whole part of my room (which I’ve been wanting myself to do for quite some time now).

Just as I was preparing to get into the shower, I discovered what this muffled beeping noise the previous several minutes had been: the arriving winds were shaking my bike so much, that it was setting of the first round of my alarm, declaring potential tampering with the bike.

So, I had to throw an outer layer of clothing back on myself, rush downstairs, put on the rainboots, and undo the cover and locks on the bike, move the bike to a different location and angle, and redo all of the locks, all while in the wind and cold drizzle.

Then, I went and carefully climbed into a hot shower that made everything feel better.

But my knees still hurt…

I’m not sure if I misjudged yesterday, due to the CBD oil that was in my morning beverage, and then I overdid it with the walking during the photo fun…, or if I overdid things at the workout Saturday morning, and it is hitting me now, that second day afterward, like typical bad muscle soreness…

But it might just be a combination of both: I overdid things, and I’m still not healed in the first place.

Now, I want to set myself carefully in my bed and fall deeply asleep for the night, snuggled under my comforter and big, white teddy bear that I’ve had for possibly twenty years (Can you believe that???… He was mostly decorative for the first decade and a half, and I only recently started snuggling with him regularly… and he gives wonderful hugs and comfort…)…

Yes, I think I will do that now.

Post-a-day 2019

The return of the cold

Today was really cold… And it was raining… And I only have my bike (Vespa) now…. so that kind of sucked.

But I bought – at long last, though out of immediate necessity today – a rain suit, so that helped tremendously…, but it was still cold out there, riding.

Burr…

Fun fact: My body is getting closer and closer to working normally again… though I was spider-crawling up the stairs, and sliding down them this morning, I was able to do almost the whole workout today at the gym, and my knees feel almost normal now, as I am getting ready for bed.

I mean, I won’t be able to run in the morning, and I probably still won’t be able to squat all the way or rest on my knees for another several days, but I at least will be able to walk without hobbling or being in pain.

So, that’s really cool.

It’ll leave my only main issue as going to the bathroom: every time I have to pull down it up my pants/underwear, it’s like a hammer to my bruised right leg… burr…

Also, another fun fact: I got a hug from a new person today… and it was lovely to have. 🙂

I love hugs, and I’ve kind of been wanting, possibly needing, hugs this week…, so this was perfectly timed and somewhat out of the blue, making it all the better and more loving.

Makes me wonder how I can be more loving to those around me on the regular… hmm… I’ll think on that one tonight while I do some henna… yes…

Post-a-day 2019

Just chillin’ after work?

How do you spend your afternoons and evenings after work?

Napping in your chair at your desk, because you hear rain and thunder (despite a stated 10% chance of rain)?

Followed by finally leaving after you awaken, accomplish some more work, and hear that the rain has stopped?

Followed by stopping for gas just in time for a torrential downpour, with extremely strong winds blowing in varied directions, shooting sheets of water every which way, on three-minute increments?

Which leads to just sitting on the ground, already soaked in your jeans, semi hiding behind your bike as wind/rain protection?

Followed, finally, by a release in the rain that allows you to resume being soaked by it, but that is safe enough for driving again, and so you head home super cautiously, get super soaked, and arrive he to blue skies and no rain, because the clouds have pushed through so quickly, but flooded street sides and driveways bottoms?

Despite a 10% chance of rain?

Yeah, that’s about how I spent my afternoon and evening today, too.

😂

And this was after the initial explosion

Post-a-day 2019