Nothing quite like a semi-scary show to freak me out just before bedtime… What, am I five or something here???
Nothing quite like a semi-scary show to freak me out just before bedtime… What, am I five or something here???
Today, one of my best friends from college told me that, though it is a vague idea, she knows what kind of book she would want to read if I had written it. She told me that I am the only person she knows who lives for the journey, and not the destination. Most people plan out their lives based on where they want to be down the road…, But then, as she mentioned, I take a two-hour detour on a 14-hour drive, simply because I saw something that interested me…, And it doesn’t bother me one bit that it added so much time to the already long drive. She gave other examples, too, that illustrated her point quite well.
What stuck out the most for me, though, is that I have never considered my life with these words…, Yet they seemed absolutely true. In the past six months, I have been struggling with a regular question of whether I am living my life all wrongly, if I’m messing everything up by doing things the way I am doing them. And I see now: the whole reason I’ve been feeling that way lately, is because I have been comparing my life to everyone else’s lives… But that is like comparing bananas to chairs – they are not comparable, not in the least.
I am not playing the same game as everyone else, and when I compare where I am to where they are, I am certainly failing their game…, But, as I said, I am not playing their game.
Some might say that I take the road less traveled, but I really think that I often don’t take the road at all… I explore the detours, and end up somewhere completely unexpected.
(This point can be quite literally illustrated by a recent hike I took with a friend of mine… She wanted to stay on the main path, and I was curious as to what this possible detour path would show us… Where we ended up was spectacular, and completely unexpected… And then I found another semi-path back to the main road, way up ahead, while my friend went all the way back the way we had come…)
I’m beginning to think that this is a huge part of why, whenever I have been asked the question of where I see myself in five or ten or 15 or 50 years, I could never quite provide an answer… It’s not that my imagination isn’t great enough, but that I genuinely have no clue as to where I will end up and what I will be doing. I know the person I will be, I know that I will love and I will be loved. Beyond that, though, there’s a world of possibilities, and each one has an innumerable set of detours I might explore. It is likely that, in this moment, my wildest dreams couldn’t tell me where I will be in five or ten years… Or even in one…
When I considered jobs growing up and throughout college, and even now, I’ve always kind of had the feeling of, ‘Why pick one? Let’s give them all a try,’ though, without actually putting it into those words.
It’s funny to me how much sense this all makes, simply because of two sentences that a friend of mine said to me today… Let us remember that I words carry so much power – whether we realize it or not, whether we feel it or not, someone feels it more than we likely ever will know.
You know, for the first time in several months, I think I can breathe fully easily now… I was right that I am failing at this life…, But I had forgotten that that life was not the one I ever wanted to live…
Now, I am free to live my life…
And that is just about the most exciting thing I have ever considered or said… 😀
P.S. Early, early this morning, the world lost the physical presence of one of the greatest people I have ever known, and possibly ever will know… I haven’t talked about it with anyone, and I don’t want to yet – I’m not ready for that. However, I feel like she was with me today in this whole realization… She has been a huge part of almost every major moment in my life since I began college, and I swear she was here this evening. 🙂 I have a feeling she will continue to be here in my life.
My body has been sore the past several days, and I am extremely grateful for it.
I have finally begun to do exercises again, thanks to my having reached out to a friend for help with accountability and support, and her acceptance of the request… It seems only fitting, because we used to go to the gym together in the first place, before everything closed, and then she moved.
Now, for the time being, anyway, neither of us is in Houston.
But we work out st the same time together, she at 5:30pm after work, and I at 4:30pm, the time I used to attend in-person classes…, and it works, because she is on the East coast now, so we actually exercise at the exact same time.
It still sucks to be paying for a gym membership to a gym that medicine and society tell me not to attend, but I would rather be safe than yelled at or blamed or sorry (or, even, sick)…, so, I stay away from the one place I ever really feel called to be on a daily basis, the one place I miss most…
But I am, at last, doing workouts at home again, using the workouts the owner originally made for us back when the gym closed for a while, and everyone had to work out at home together.
So, I could technically just cancel my membership, and do these workouts on repeat for the rest of my life, if I wanted… but I don’t want to do that.
I am using this gym’s workouts, even if they are old, and so I will maintain my membership.
It feels absurd, but right – I have thought on it many times, and I feel incredibly uncomfortable at the idea of canceling my membership…, so, I have let it go – I’ll stay a member and just suck it up… something about this will balance out, and it all will be beautiful and perfect.
I have faith in this.
P.S. A family friend – he’s our personal car and motorcycle expert – wants me to buy this great quality vehicle off of him, since they never use it anymore… it’s a Porsche Cayenne… what on Earth???… So, I might be upgrading from an old, crank window, semi-falling-apart Hyundai Accent, that was ranked as being worth $245 two and a half years ago on Kelley Blue Book, and that is not very reliable beyond an easy ten- or fifteen-minute drive… to a Porsche… Woah…
Japanese moving companies…?
Need I say more?
Just watch this video.
I’ve been in the receiving end before, though without knowing the standard of how they worked, and so I was quite confused as to why they kept asking me where specifically I wanted everything placed in the apartment, and how they set up the furniture that had shown up in pieces for moving…
I wasn’t planning to keep most of what my predecessor was giving me, so I didn’t really care where most of it went…, proving for an extra-odd interaction about where to place everything… It was kind of great, due to the fact that it was so comical.
Anyway, the US would do well to learn from Japanese moving companies… very well.
Watching the film “Pretty Woman” tonight with my mom and uncle – one of my favorite films – I found myself saying, either aloud or merely within my thoughts, “This is one of my favorite lines,” an absurd* number of times.
I knew what was coming up next, and my brain grew extremely excited – I was even giddy – at the prospect of the upcoming line or exchange in the film… it just has so many good lines in it, my list of favorites comprises half the film!
Anyway, it was a lovely night together with my mom and uncle, despite his annoying what felt like pestering about managing yet another file transfer for him, simply because he refuses to move himself into the digital age…, so we have to handle things for him… (He wants to give files and photos to my grandparents, his parents, for them to put on their iPad… they are 89 and 90 years old and have and successfully use an iPad…, yet their child, my uncle, will not get himself an e-mail account or computer or an answering machine/voicemail, or use a cell phone of any kind…. and it isn’t about money…. If you don’t want to do that, I get it – I didn’t have internet at home on purpose…, but live life in agreement with that determination… don’t constantly burden other people for the use of their digital tools, because you won’t get your own… if you don’t want it, don’t make other people do it all on your behalf… it would be different if we were wanting to give him digital photos or something of the sort…., but he’s the one wanting to do these transfers and such all the time… do it yourself, man…. stop bringing us into it.
Anyway, that’s my stress express for tonight… haha
We had an interesting yet entertaining time doing a Monday crossword puzzle on my laptop before watching the film tonight… they both were intrigued and surprised at the opportunity, and it was a cool little mental activity for us all… usually, a puzzle is too small for three people to huddle around it and complete it together, and my mom always complains about my handwriting or the darkness of my letters…, but, on the computer, it was practically full-screen, and each clue was lit up while we were on it, and it simultaneously lit up the relevant squares on the board at the same time, so it was even easier than a regular paper puzzle is visually…, and the three of us got to do it together, all at once…
It was cool.
Annoying at times, but cool overall. 🙂
So, yeah… it was a good night together. 🙂
*I notice that I use the word absurd rather often when describing things within my life… I wonder if I am being overly dramatic, or if my life, in fact, is rather full of absurdities… at the very least, we know it is not normal, as made clear my cousin those several years ago during the acrobats conversation over dinner. 😛
My uncle, when he showed up so late last night, expressed interest in watching my partially watched film, if I were okay with his doing so.
I allowed it, and chucked inwardly at the request.
It was “Pride and Prejudice”, and he wanted me to to give him the low-down on what had happened so far, and even asked me to share about the parts that I preferred in the book that he movie had changed… specifically, some of my favorite lines from the book.
Today, as I was leaving my grandparents’ house, he asked if I was planning to watch another movie tonight.
I told him that I likely would end up doing that.
Not sure yet.
Do you know around when you’ll want to watch it? Can I watch it with you?
Of course you can – just let me know when you’re heading back.
Okay. I want to make it back in time to watch it with you.
And so, when he arrived after nine, I stuck with my selection, despite the late arrival time – I was in the mood.
What film was it, you ask?
“Twilight: New Moon” 😀
I told him right off the bat that tonight he had the privilege of watching a cheesy high schooler movie, filled with awkward acting and likely bad directing.
I’m not sure he fully believed me.
At the end, of course, he understood completely, and even shared in a few of the most popular jokes about the films.
I told him that the main benefit, behind silly entertainment, of his having watched the film was that he was now in the know on a piece of very popular pop culture. 😛
He chuckled about it, and then we moved on to talking about Duolingo and Sachertorte…, as is our typical kind of tangential conversation.
P.S. I still love the absurd scene where Taylor Lautner swoops off his shirt like it is nothing… thanks for doing that for the world, man. We all appreciate it, even over a decade later. 😉
My uncle left another uncle’s house at four pm, to drive a drive that Google Maps lists as four hours and eight minutes.
He has a cell phone, but won’t give the number to anyone (don’t ask).
The other uncle asked me to let him know when his brother arrives.
You know, because the uncle won’t let him know himself, because that would give away his cell phone number.
He finally arrived, close to ten at night.
No one is surprised, because this is apparently normal for him… he stops a million times for the bathroom, and possibly to pick up food and all from favorite places…
And then, he casually mentions how his tire blew almost immediately after leaving the other uncle’s house, and so he was on the side of the road for a long while, fixing that.
I didn’t even bother saying anything, but, dear me, it just sounded so stupid to me that he wouldn’t just call my uncle to come help him change the tire, only minutes from his house.
But no, then he would have the cell phone number.
Crazy old people, I dare say…
Step One: Fall in love with Blake Lively.
Step Two: Watch Gossip Girl, simply because it stars Blake Lively (but also because I am stuck at home alone and feel like I have no friends, since we aren’t supposed to socialize in real life right now, and watching the show makes me feel like I have friends in whose lives I am invested and everything).
Step Three: Fall in love with Chuck Bass, the character.
Step Four: Fall slightly in love with Ed Westwick, the actor who plays Chuck Bass.
Step Five: Discover that Ed Westwick is actually British, and fall a little bit more in love with him.
Step Six: Pointedly ignore the fact that these are all people I never will meet, be it that they are either fictitious or absurdly famous – whatever the case, they are basically unreachable by me – as well as the fact that I am in love with the character people are supposed to dislike and almost hate.
Step Seven: Daydream middle school obsessively about them all, and even consider putting up posters on my wall of a tanned, slightly unshaven Ed Westwick.
Step Eight: Acknowledge that my love is absurd, determine not to be worried about it, indulge happily, and accept confidently my own silly and delightful absurdity that truly helps to pass the time well.
Step Nine: Do near-absurd levels of research of Ed Westwick interviews online, and enjoy it thoroughly.
Step Ten: Get over it all suddenly and entirely, and move on with ease, almost forgetting that it was ever even a thing, and preparing mentally for whatever shall come next in life and personal fancies. 😛
Gossip Girl Crazy
I feel that I am very close to being back to normal again… almost there…
It was actually really cool and then funny when, earlier today, I had completely forgotten that I hadn’t been normal lately – I was just so normal, and didn’t even consider that this normal hadn’t been my normal until the past couple days.
When something a little odd happened, as I considered how I hadn’t yet done something on the mental list of today’s tasks, and whether I would do it at all, it suddenly occurred to me that, until that moment, I had been being completely normal for myself… and it was a fabulous realization.
Sure, I was noticing it because I was entering into a tiny state of my miserable not-normal from the past few weeks, but that didn’t even bother me… which shows how close to normal I have come as of today.
I voluntarily worked on and almost completed (I genuinely didn’t know three clues) a Tuesday crossword puzzle, I did the extra assignment before an online workshop, I helped multiple people over the phone, I exercised without prompting from my friend (and she apparently skipped her workout today), and I even went out walking for a bit, despite the rain.
As I mentioned, I certainly had some struggle points today, but most of the day was not struggle…, and that was and is an immense relief for me.
I’m a few more days, I am hoping, I will be completely comfortable in my skin and life again…, and I am comfortably looking forward to it.
As for now, gotta sleep ASAP, as I volunteered myself to drive my grandma around for errands… starting at seven AM… what’s with me, you wonder?
We all know I’m a late night person, a night owl more so than the early bird… Well…,
I am with me… at last.
Women just about everywhere hate them, yet single women just about everywhere with digital means of communication cannot escape them…
They are The Dick Pics.
Why do men seem to want to send them to us women?
After much contemplation and casual discussion, a girlfriend of mine and I hit something that made a lot of sense: Guys would love to receive the reciprocal from a woman, and so they somehow believe that 1)women will appreciate their offering theirs free of charge or request, and 2)it will be a way for them to receive the response photo from the women receiving their photo.
It makes sense.
Except for the fact that women don’t typically like the dick pics… like at all…., and they openly say so to the public.
Yet men keep doing it.
It is even illegal in some places now, to provide an unsolicited photo of one’s penis.
I have never received a dick pic, actually.
But I’m not on dating sites, for one thing.
And I also wouldn’t be interested in dating anyone who might consider a dick pic to be a possibility period, let alone a good idea.
So, while a small part of me feels like I am missing out by having not ever received one of these photos, a much greater part of me is grateful for not having to have that in my life.
If and when I have a partner in my life, I can see all the up-close and personal genitalia I want – until that time, no photos, please… and thank you.
Tonight, I could have remedied this small situation of minor FOMO*, as a distant friend of mine reached out, telling me that he was in the mood, and could he send me a photo?
That wasn’t the typical request regarding photos… usually they ask for a photo of us…, so, I asked what he meant, and he replied:
I’m in the mood
A long messaging conversation ensued, in the middle of which, I reached out to a close male friend of mine for guidance as to how to handle the situation.
Apparently, this guy just likes sharing himself with women who enjoy seeing him (specifically his genitalia) – he gets a rise out of it.
And he admits this openly and fully.
And, while I adamantly denied the dick pic request, I thanked him for his frankness and for his asking me for permission – the two are rare, and they were much appreciated.
He said he didn’t understand why a guy ever would send such a photo unsolicited and without permission, and was surprised at the idea that they nonetheless do it often.
Whatever the case, we ended up messaging about other things, once it was fully settled that I did not want what he had to offer to me tonight, and it was actually really, really cool.
I actually feel like we have more of a friendship now, because of it… and especially because of our openness and honesty with one another.
At any given moment, I could have gotten all offended.
But I didn’t… I have him space to be himself, and accepted his honesty… as I said to myself earlier, he was genuinely just asking for help.
Just because it was not a common request or one with which I was very comfortable did not mean that I needed to freak out or grow angry or grossed out with him.
It was rather refreshing, then, dealing with pure honesty in such a situation.
It was like the opposite of an affirmative yes, and in the best of ways… an affirmative no, in a way.
So, I still have no dick pic, and I am totally happy with that… totally…
And I am also grateful for the upfront honesty and no-nonsense of this guy tonight – it was awesome. 🙂
*For those who are not aware, it means Fear Of Missing Out.