OCD to the … oh…

I have OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Back in 2018, it had progressed so much that it was actually debilitating. The agoraphobia part of it especially had increased in intensity, and I couldn’t get myself to go almost anywhere, including to the store for necessary food/groceries.

But, that summer, I started seeing a holistic nutritionist who had mentioned in a presentation that my mom had attended – I had not attended it, as I had been too scared of the idea of going somewhere unknown with an unknown situation and unknown bathrooms and chairs and floors and smells and all the rest – that he believed OCD was from hormonal imbalances. He did a bunch of muscle testing on me, and he got me on a regimen of specific supplements to take mornings and evenings daily. Within six weeks, I was a completely different person. Rather, I was a person again. After six months, I was unrecognizable in my behavior. And, what’s more, all my menstruation stuff had gotten loads better, too… which suggested even more so that my main issue had been hormonal imbalances in the first place.

Now, these supplements that I take, they are straight up a few bizarre plants and seeds and oils, but mostly the odd parts of animals that we tend not to eat anymore as a society… liver, intestine, gallbladder, etc… (I don’t actually remember if all those are in there, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were.) The things that elite athletes and health folks keep trying to get us to cook up at home or eat raw a few times a week, I am already taking in a powdered, capsule form. Pretty bizarre yet cool, right?

Well, I had thought I’d had two weeks of my supplements put together, ready for me to take. I found out at the end of the week that it was only one week’s worth put together. Now, it takes me a few days to plan out and make it happen to put my supplements together each time. It takes a while to do, and it isn’t something I can leave out if I haven’t finished. So, I kind of have to plan for it. And I didn’t do that this past week. It, therefore, took me several days to figure out when to put them together. And that time kept getting pushed to the next day, for various reasons…

Alas, about a week went by without my taking all the supplements. And I’m about to start menstruating, so my hormones are going absolutely nuts right now, I imagine.

I had to force myself to put the supplements together yesterday afternoon, though, as I could feel my entire body struggling, as though I were almost getting a cold, and I could see how my OCD was showing up all over the place, stressing me out and preventing me from doing things I needed and had wanted to do. It didn’t help that I was eating crappy foods this past week-ish.

So, this morning left me with almost no food of any kind – genuinely had green juice to take my supplements, then ate Girl Scout cookies and a few bites of sausage and gelato as my breakfast and lunch, as I had nothing else at the house. I didn’t go to the gym at my usual time, because I was scared of going and hadn’t slept too well, anyway, which was the official reason. I had intended to go to the store to get food for breakfast after the workout, but switched it to ‘once I got up’. I avoided getting up as long as possible, though the sleep was so restless (from midnight onward, really), and eventually got up at eight. It took me hours just to fold two small loads of laundry and pack them up. And I didn’t make it to the store until after noon.

I kid you not, as I walked into the store, I was close to tears. It was both out of stress and fear of going into the store itself – going into the agora – and it of frustration at how ridiculous it was that I was so stressed and scared at s bunch of nothing(!). Yet, there was nothing to be done about it aside from just doing it (and eating well and taking my supplements, though those weren’t valid at that particular time and place).

I got the green juice – Aka green water – and some food to cook later, along with the needed cleaning supplies, and I made it to the apartment. My flat mate was there, and I shared about my current state and morning – we haven’t seen each other much in the past week, surprise surprise. Then, of course, I cried loads. She very conscientiously asked if I wanted a hug or not right then, and, after considering a moment, I told her that I actually didn’t want to be touched at that moment, and we laughed about it. (Because I am such a toucher!) It took me a bit of adjusting, but I knew I was on a time limit, so I managed to get to work cleaning. I got most of it done, and left the bathroom and bedroom smelling of bleach, but airing out well. I felt very accomplished and positive about it all.

I was still nervous going to the gym from there, but I showed up and worked out anyway. Naturally, I felt good once we got started after the warm-up, and it has been smooth-sailing the rest of the evening and night so far. Before getting ready for bed, I had cooked dinner and prepped my food for school tomorrow, and I had taken my supplements for the fourth time in two days (the right number of times), and I was already noticing differences in my behaviors – improvements. In particular, I peeled a bunch of shrimp that had been in a soupy mess I’d made when cooking them, I bagged up and threw away their peelings, and I cleaned up everything and turned the faucet on and off multiple times all without having any panic. And only the peeling itself had kind of gotten to me a little bit, because there were just so many of them, and I was running out of space in the peelings bowl and the sauce kept squirting around all icky-like. But I just had to breathe and keep calm, and I was able to make it through all 30+ of them before cleaning everything up.

Just this morning, I was having major struggles just turning off a faucet. (Every time I went to turn it off, if I touched even the slightest bit the wrong way, I had to turn it back on and re-wash my hands and try again… I usually got it within three goes, though that was a huge sign that alerted me to my hormones’ being off in the first place the other day. Tonight, however, I didn’t struggle like that. I barely even thought about it.)

All that being said, I’m going to stretch and read and go to bed now – I’m exhausted. And I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, I do expect.

Post-a-day 2022

Body versus Brain

I swear: My menstrual cycle makes me feel like it is made to point out to me that I am single in this world designed for my species to partner up. At certain specific points throughout my cycle, my body very clearly reminds me of how desperately it wants me to have a partner already, as though my brain weren’t already on the lookout for that partner all day, every day. 😛

Actually, I don’t actively think about finding a partner most of the time. In a way, I trust God and Fate and the Universe that things will be sorted beautifully in my life, including my partner-in-life situation, and so don’t really spend much time or effort on the matter directly. The other end of that, though, is that I believe everything will work perfectly when I am working perfectly – when I am ready within myself and no longer need but want that partner, he will show up. I am designed to be self-sufficient, but to work perfectly with another, producing more love and beauty in the world than I ever could have produced on my own. I look forward to that with pitter-patters in my heart anticipation. But I no longer spend much time focusing on the finding him portion of that. Instead, I focus most of my attention on improving myself, such that I soon will be ready for him to arrive and for us to work together and create some new magic.

Until that time, however, I think I am stuck with these physical reminders of goosebumps and inner tingles every 14-ish days. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Something’s wrong, and that’s perfect

Every so often – read “almost every day, especially when I’m not doing so well” – I have thoughts of concern around the idea that there might be or that there is something wrong with me.

As I thought about this today and last night, it started to wonder, Well, so what?  So what if something’s wrong with me?  What does that even mean, anyway?  It had me consider that the whole concept of ‘something’s wrong’ is, in a way, utterly and totally made-up.  I think about the whole moth scenario, where the white moths all thrive in the snowy place, until the factory opens up, and soot is abundant, turning most of the snow gray…. at which point, the moth population slowly but surely turns almost entirely gray – the genetic mutation allowed for improved survival in the altered times, when snow was no longer white but gray.  By our standards, we could say that something was wrong with the gray moths, back when everything was white…, but none of them has a problem with that wrongness now, with everything being gray around them.

Basically, so something about me works differently than other people, or even than most people…, and, so what?  Why must I feel inferior or inadequate or lesser of a being because of it?  If my hormonal system doesn’t understand how to function superbly, does that make me a terrible human being, or a lame one, or even a non-human?  No.

For one thing, it is 100% in our nature as living beings to have mutations – differences, changes, seemingly inexplicable alterations – in our DNA and resulting bodies.  My body not working like the rest of humanity’s bodies is totally normal, scientifically speaking.  Female hormonal systems work this way, and mine just doesn’t – it works differently than the average female hormonal system.  It is statistically abnormal…, but abnormal statistics don’t make me a lesser being.

For a second thing, perhaps this is just a way of my DNA, my body, preparing for those unexpected factories to move into town and turn all the snow gray… perhaps they are preparing me for the unknown contingencies in life.  I have no idea what those scenarios would be to have any of these alterations from the average in my body’s function make sense…, but it somehow wouldn’t surprise me if, someday, whether I’m still alive then or not, these alterations all do make sense.

I’m still a bit nervous about the fact that, well, part of my body kind of seems to be screwing the rest of my body over, by not taking care of itself…, however, I like this idea of considering that it is merely a natural genetic mutation, a gray moth among the whites.  Plus, I have found various ways to help those struggling parts of my body to function better, and, though I don’t know quite how it all will look down the line, at least for now, I know what works best so far, and I can stick with doing that.

I certainly have had many a struggle and even a good handful of breakdowns around the fact that ‘my body isn’t normal’…, so I hope that this shift in perspective proves to be a powerful one.  I want to feel and be okay and comfortable with my altered-from-average body.  Anyway, plenty of people who had altered-from-average bodies ended up being spectacular at things other people couldn’t be spectacular at doing.  A woman with no arms can use her legs and feet like most people do hands.  A blind person can hear things most people don’t even notice.  Several genius-types couldn’t function socially or in schools very well, and some not at all.  I don’t know – not yet, anyway – for what my alteration from average allows in my life, but I am going to keep an eye out for it now, now that I’m thinking about it this way.  Perhaps there is something to this idea, even with my hormonal system’s situation…  I shall observe and consider, and hopefully see.  🙂

So, going forward, I shall remember – do what I can as I get adjusted to the idea, anyway – that something is wrong with me, and that that is totally perfect.  Seriously: perfect.  🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Hormones and brain cells aligning once more

I feel that I am very close to being back to normal again… almost there…

It was actually really cool and then funny when, earlier today, I had completely forgotten that I hadn’t been normal lately – I was just so normal, and didn’t even consider that this normal hadn’t been my normal until the past couple days.

When something a little odd happened, as I considered how I hadn’t yet done something on the mental list of today’s tasks, and whether I would do it at all, it suddenly occurred to me that, until that moment, I had been being completely normal for myself… and it was a fabulous realization.

Sure, I was noticing it because I was entering into a tiny state of my miserable not-normal from the past few weeks, but that didn’t even bother me… which shows how close to normal I have come as of today.

I voluntarily worked on and almost completed (I genuinely didn’t know three clues) a Tuesday crossword puzzle, I did the extra assignment before an online workshop, I helped multiple people over the phone, I exercised without prompting from my friend (and she apparently skipped her workout today), and I even went out walking for a bit, despite the rain.

As I mentioned, I certainly had some struggle points today, but most of the day was not struggle…, and that was and is an immense relief for me.

I’m a few more days, I am hoping, I will be completely comfortable in my skin and life again…, and I am comfortably looking forward to it.

As for now, gotta sleep ASAP, as I volunteered myself to drive my grandma around for errands… starting at seven AM… what’s with me, you wonder?

We all know I’m a late night person, a night owl more so than the early bird… Well…,

I am with me… at last.

Post-a-day 2020

No adulting for me, please

I have OCD, and I’m taking supplements to help rebalance out my hormone levels (because a lot of OCD is tied to hormone imbalances), and it had been making a noticeable difference.

But having the OCD still sucks, and some days are just really sucky.

And I mean really, really sucky… like today…, and I just want to have someone who will come take care of me and do everything for me, because I’m already stomach sick, and I don’t want to deal with anything but curling up in bed, and the OCD is panicking because I am sick…, and I just don’t want to deal with any of it (by) myself right now.

Post-a-day 2018