It is very difficult for me to ask people for things, to make requests of others. No matter the situation, no matter the request, it is always somewhat – if not extremely – difficult for me to make the request. Of course, people seem to feel as though I have a comfortable confidence when making these requests, and have admitted to me of having no knowledge of my difficulty in making requests. But that is simply because I make sure I am as ready as possible before making the requests. I am usually the only one present for the inevitable turmoil that precedes a request for me. Occasionally, my mother or best friend is around for part of the paranoia, and so they understand it a bit. However, most people have no idea what it takes for me to make the simplest of requests of them.
All of that being said, perhaps one could understand how devastating it can be for me when I am denied a request, especially one that I might have expected to have been granted easily enough. I am always so willing to receive requests from others, and yet I cannot practice what I wish to receive from others. I suppose I have just had a little too much rejection of sorts in the past, that I lack the confidence now.
Sometimes, it feels like life is on the brink of either incredible breakthrough or tremendous breakdown… as though I’m balancing on a fence, walking along the upper slate of wood, like I did all the time as a kid. I know it isn’t very safe, and so I am careful, but I do it, nonetheless. I know it could end in near-tragedy. But I know, too, that it could end in complete success. That’s how my life feels right now. Though my balance seems to be deteriorating as of late, it still feels like I am just one little step away from something huge.
Do I even really care what that is? I think not. I just want to know that there is actually something there.
I know fully that I could drop all of this and move elsewhere, find great work, and move forward happily in life. But something has me here right now, and makes going elsewhere feel like running away. I just can’t see what it is that I keep wanting to escape every time my balance gets wobbly. I can’t see the hand that is gripping me from behind, pinning me here either. I guess I’m walking the fence with blinders on… makes me feel even worse for horses, because this kind of really sucks.
Whatever… I’ll keep thinking on it all. I know everything will be great eventually for me. I’m clear on that. I just hope that I don’t end up running away from something, leaving myself incomplete… perhaps that is the key to everything moving forward. Well, of course it is. Duh. Hmm…
Do you ever feel betrayed by your own body? Where you believe in something intensely, and then clarity suddenly sets in, bringing reality along with it, and you see easily and perfectly that things are not as they had seemed… perhaps this betrayal is the worst of all betrayal, because the body has no conscience nor malice, nor does it have an ability to love or to hate you… it just betrays you.
Today, I cried multiple times. Some were at work, and some at home…, one even on the way home from work. I am very tired right now, but the pains and hurts and strains of today, the ones that activated the crying, have reminded me of my time hiking Mt. Fuji. It was painful, and annoyingly so, because I knew that I could do it, but so totally did not want to go through the hassle and pain that I knew would result by doing it. And so were the various situations today – annoyingly painful, because I knew that I could (and still know that I can) deal with the various situations and circumstances, and they weren’t necessarily necessary for my life to move forward, so I just didn’t want to have to deal with them all (or any of them, really). But I also knew/know that something useful awaits me, and will greet me upon my successful completion of dealing with the stuff. So, I cried some today and now I will deal some more.