Stuff… and stuff

I am thinking that, so long as I aim to fulfill any specific desire with anything other than exactly what I want, I will end up with much more than I want filling the space around me – both energetically and physically – and I will be forever unsatisfied in that desire.

Thatā€™s part of why trying to fit the bill for a part just never works out for the best. It might feel good for a while, but it eventually catches up with me, and I feel somewhat miserable until I sort things out back to being fully true to myself and who I am and who I want to be.

Yeah… thoughts for bed tonight… šŸ˜‰

Post-a-day 2020

Breakdown & Breakthrough: All in a day’s work

Today’s stuff was intense and deep and wonderful. Ā Rather than explain and describe everything, I turn to selections from the Facebook Messenger conversation I had with my cousin. Ā As a note that you can understand afterward, I have seven large trash bags crammed in my trunk right now, ready to be donated tomorrow, plus a bag of specifics for my cousin. Ā I went through two bags of trash – and no, I genuinely do not understand what trash is in the bags for the most part, nor from where it all came, seeing as how I was going through clothing only today… Ā Anyway, there was hesitation and uncertainty at the start, then paralyzing panic, followed by red-eyed determination, and then finally comfortable relaxation and ease.

At one point, after probably five (of the eventual 8) bags had been moved to the trunk, I opened up my guitar. Ā I had to cut off the plastic ties that were still around the case from having brought it here on the airplane. Ā I tuned it up from the extremely loose state in which the strings had been for months, played a song, and then just played around for a few minutes. Ā All-in-all, it wasn’t even 15 minutes spent with the guitar, but it was blissful, and I was filled with delight by the end of it. Ā It may seem like little, but having done this specifically speaks volumes about how effective today was – I hadn’t even considered pulling out the guitar until today. Ā The guitar is enjoyment and relaxation and fun. Ā Those haven’t really been an option in my life lately.

Anyway, find the selections here, below, and have a wonderful day. Ā šŸ™‚


HannahĀ Any chance you read my weblog from last night?
I feel stuck
CousinĀ i have not
HannahĀ And Iā€™d like your opinion
CousinĀ I will add that to my list of goals for today
HannahĀ I guess, essentially, I have planned to do my clothes today, KonMari style
But I feel like I canā€™t relate to joy sparking feeling
Itā€™s like, because I have so much stuff, it all just stresses me out a little bit
And I feel kind of guilty at having it all in the first place
Maybe not guilt, but something… almost like shame
CousinĀ I went ahead and read the what you wrote
I hear you. I feel that way every time I move. Which is a lot of times.
HannahĀ Ha
CousinĀ I wonder what that ‘shame’ feeling is attached to. Is it a ‘supposed to’?
I’m not ‘supposed to’ have this much stuff?
HannahĀ Perhaps
I think so
Like that I was wasteful in getting things I donā€™t love in the first place
CousinĀ that was a different kind of joy at the time though
HannahĀ Itā€™s currently just a big sense of stress
No specifics to it
CousinĀ specifically talking about the clothes right now. it sounds like you’re not being able to relate to confront them on a one on one level because you’re dealing with them as a whole emotionally.
HannahĀ Like I mentioned, my main issue right now is that I canā€™t get that spark joy feeling
Yeah, I think so
CousinĀ And you know there is no benefit to bringing the baggage of what you “should or should not” have done with any of these things.
That baggage is just more clutter
Even if the purchases you made turned out not to bring a usefulness and sustaining joy, there was at least a small amount of freedom and joy in obtaining them when you did. Otherwise you wouldn’t have done it.
That is all past now. You have grown. You have learned. You did good. Gold starts all around.
Now we get the excitement of meeting this new phase in your life. You get to make all these creative choices again with things you already own.
Like editing the draft of a novel.
And you don’t have to worry about making the wrong decision. Because your life si so abundant.
You may never find those plates from college. That sucks.
But. You didn’t know those plates would bring you joy before you found them.
ANd that may happen again with new plates.
HannahĀ Yeah
M– has always said that ā€˜If it isnā€™t a definite YES!, then itā€™s definitely a noā€™
CousinĀ The ‘definite yes’ thing can be useful, but it can also be a lot of pressure to put on yourself
CousinĀ especially because of where you are in your life.
It’s easier to know ‘definite yes’ when you’ve been living with the same stuff in the same place for several years
it’s harder when you’re in flux
there is an episode of gilmore girls actually that deals with that in the last season.
HannahĀ Ha
HannahĀ Remember that time I got rid of the multiple black trash bags of clothes?
At the two-Story apartment
CousinĀ yes
HannahĀ I did this activity then
It was just the clothes I had at that apartment, but still
It worked great
And I was so happy with it all
Now I finally have everything in one place
I want to do the activity again
I think Iā€™m getting overwhelmed with the fact that thereā€™s just so much sh*t everywhere in my room, in the house, and in my life
And Iā€™m somewhat scared of what life will be when I let go of it all
Slash terrified
CousinĀ well, I know what you need then
some Tina Turner
Your montage moment is waiting for you whenever you are ready to have it
(and it’s okay not to be ready yet. You can also be scared of it and choose to be a cat instead until you’re ready.)


HannahĀ I just put the second item into the give-away bag, and Iā€™ve started deep crying
Itā€™s like I can see whatā€™s going on for me, but I canā€™t seem to do anything about it
Because it isnā€™t just letting go – it is intentionally clearing the space
So much of what I have is out of necessity
Thatā€™s why I got a lot of it
Also, not really knowing who I want to be right now makes this tough
My current lifestyle leans toward making me feel useless in life
CousinĀ That’s why I was serious about my last suggestions. You’ve done your logic homework. This is body primal stuff.
HannahĀ Itā€™s terrifying to let go of the safety that Iā€™ve known
A lot of my clothes are representative of the safety Iā€™ve had in my life
Mostly financially, but also mentally and all
CousinĀ Absolutely. This actually reminds me a little bit of when you shaved your head
HannahĀ Really?
I had no struggle with making that move
CousinĀ Conversations we had after the fact I mean
About how you had to find different ways to express yourĀ femininity
HannahĀ About having to deal with people seeing me so differently, and having to examine how I wanted to present myself?
CousinĀ Exactly
HannahĀ Itā€™s like Iā€™m scared to show a grown-up, feminine me here
In Japan, I was okay with it
CousinĀ New slate, new rules
HannahĀ There were multiple occasions where I just stared st myself, ā€˜cause I envied the woman I was in that moment and outfit and everything
And here, I feel like Iā€™m allowed to be a kid and/or tomboy
CousinĀ Another identity to contend with
Cousin Grl, YES
This is very much an Artist’s Way date
HannahĀ Haha

HannahĀ With quick folding, most of it went into my dresser, and the rest in one laundry basket!
HannahĀ I also started noticing differences in feelings as I was folding them up. It were as though, now that I have so much less, I could see suddenly all these individual emotions that were difficult to see before. Before, it was a simple ā€˜good feelingā€™ versus ā€˜not good feelingā€™ with each item. Now that all the ā€˜not good feelingā€™ items are out of the picture, Iā€™m seeing what the different subcategories, if you will, of ā€˜good feelingā€™ are.


P.S. Ā Sonntag means Sunday. Ā It’s German. Ā šŸ˜‰

Post-a-day 2018


I miss my bed in Japan. My bedroom, especially, is one thing I miss most these days. It was a haven for me. No matter what kind of chaos or boredom lurked in my life, every night, my bedroom awaited me in calm, open, and empty space… in beauty. I shut my doors, and was safe in my retreat from everything else. Only love and blessings were ever allowed into my bedroom. I wasn’t even allowed to walk in it if I hadn’t recently showered. Clean clothes, my ukulele and ukulele music, my nighttime books, and water and tissues were just about all that ever went in there, aside from a clean me and my bed.

My bedroom now is slightly larger, but filled with boxes and stuff… a sentimentality to which I am not so sure I still want to cling. I think I am afraid that I will forget the memories, if I get rid of the objects. I do not, for the most part, want the objects, but the memories and the ways I felt. Without the objects, what will remind me?

Post-a-day 2017