Tread

I tend to tread lightly… both figuratively and literally.

It bothers me when others tread heavily, loudly, noisily… both figuratively and literally.

I tend to take people off-guard by my doing so…

I tread lightly, but with intentionality and casual comfort and ease… yes, both figuratively and literally.

And when I am met with fear, I pause, take a few full breaths, relax, and continue forward, still treading oh-so-lightly…

I tend to read lightly, and I thus feel that I am often not even noticed.

It is who I am, but that doesn’t mean the noise and thunderous clamors of the world around me make it easy to be myself.

The hardest part is always the breathing, for some reason… that’s the part I always seem to forget, and it gets me just a little bit turned around, as though I am looking for the breath I have lost… when I find it, though, it gives me the strength to take my next steps onward and forward… as myself, lightly, intentionally, and confidently so.

Post-a-day 2020

Hormones and brain cells aligning once more

I feel that I am very close to being back to normal again… almost there…

It was actually really cool and then funny when, earlier today, I had completely forgotten that I hadn’t been normal lately – I was just so normal, and didn’t even consider that this normal hadn’t been my normal until the past couple days.

When something a little odd happened, as I considered how I hadn’t yet done something on the mental list of today’s tasks, and whether I would do it at all, it suddenly occurred to me that, until that moment, I had been being completely normal for myself… and it was a fabulous realization.

Sure, I was noticing it because I was entering into a tiny state of my miserable not-normal from the past few weeks, but that didn’t even bother me… which shows how close to normal I have come as of today.

I voluntarily worked on and almost completed (I genuinely didn’t know three clues) a Tuesday crossword puzzle, I did the extra assignment before an online workshop, I helped multiple people over the phone, I exercised without prompting from my friend (and she apparently skipped her workout today), and I even went out walking for a bit, despite the rain.

As I mentioned, I certainly had some struggle points today, but most of the day was not struggle…, and that was and is an immense relief for me.

I’m a few more days, I am hoping, I will be completely comfortable in my skin and life again…, and I am comfortably looking forward to it.

As for now, gotta sleep ASAP, as I volunteered myself to drive my grandma around for errands… starting at seven AM… what’s with me, you wonder?

We all know I’m a late night person, a night owl more so than the early bird… Well…,

I am with me… at last.

Post-a-day 2020

Forgotten Decaffein

Trembling from my stomach outward, I place my hands on the keyboard.  They move as though shuddering, convulsing ever so slightly, unable to remain still.  They do not know what stillness is.  None of me does right now.  It is something of a vague memory, floating casually in the background, commenting, “How odd,” at the body that cannot pause in this sedentary position…  It is resting on this bed without rest.

Post-a-day 2017

Missing…

I miss my bed in Japan. My bedroom, especially, is one thing I miss most these days. It was a haven for me. No matter what kind of chaos or boredom lurked in my life, every night, my bedroom awaited me in calm, open, and empty space… in beauty. I shut my doors, and was safe in my retreat from everything else. Only love and blessings were ever allowed into my bedroom. I wasn’t even allowed to walk in it if I hadn’t recently showered. Clean clothes, my ukulele and ukulele music, my nighttime books, and water and tissues were just about all that ever went in there, aside from a clean me and my bed.

My bedroom now is slightly larger, but filled with boxes and stuff… a sentimentality to which I am not so sure I still want to cling. I think I am afraid that I will forget the memories, if I get rid of the objects. I do not, for the most part, want the objects, but the memories and the ways I felt. Without the objects, what will remind me?

Post-a-day 2017