Missing… nothing

I had dinner with my dad tonight for the first time in quite a while, and it was just wonderful. In a way, I have missed having breakfast with him every week, and the occasional dinner these past few months. However, I have been so bizarrely and utterly fulfilled by my work that I haven’t really missed him. We have still chatted on the phone to check in, and we’ve had breakfast or lunch a few times since August, as well as plenty of texting. But that had been enough – I haven’t needed more lately. And I only just noticed that.

Perhaps, after this Thanksgiving week ends, I will be needing more time with those who love me clearly, as I very likely will be missing all of those kids and that amazingly fulfilling work teaching and being at school every weekday. I don’t miss it yet, because school isn’t in session. I think it will hurt on Monday, though, especially after a whole week off.

Dear God and Universe, please help me to transition with ease into my next role in fulfilling your will in this world through me. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Grading

I have much to do tomorrow. I think it is the only day we can be on campus this week, so I must get all the paperwork stuff finished… although, now that I think about it, I see that I could take them home, if needed. However, I don’t take work home with me. Though, I suppose it isn’t exactly work anymore, when the position has technically ended, time wise… hmm…. Hahaha

For some reason, I find that whole last bit hilarious. I’m such a dope sometimes, and I love it.

Anyway, I want to get all the paper grading finished tomorrow, anyway. It’s just a decent amount, so I will need to be rather on for much of the day, I expect. I will know for sure once I’m there and can see exactly what still needs to be graded. It might be less than I am expecting, but I know it is, nonetheless, a decent amount and will take at least a couple hours of working straight. So, I can expect easily to be at school until midday, even though I’ll be going straight from the gym. I’ll be showering at the gym, and heading over calmly, but I suspect I will be st school by around 7:15am, 7:30 at the latest.

And, you know what? I’m excited about it. I actually want to do this work. God has blessed me with this work; truly he has. And I am extremely grateful. May He find me more of it for these wonderful kids, because I want to give my life to the world through them right now and stepping forward into what’s next.

In His name we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Goodbye songs and prayers

Sure enough, as expected but almost didn’t come to happen, I cried while singing to this one class in particular. Somehow, I got to the last three lines totally fine, but then got one clear look directly at one student, and fell apart almost instantly. I had to stop entirely, because I just could barely breath and I was crying so suddenly and so intensely. We had a fun few moments of me learning to breathe again, and of our joking about how ‘You can’t do an encore, if it isn’t finished yet.’ I had one more line to go, and I was going to sing it! And I did. And it was wonderful. And I just love these kids dearly.

Thank you, thank you, Thank you, God and Universe for the blessing of this position this semester, and for the blessing that is and has been getting to be with these kids and be loved by them.

Post-a-day 2021

I love these kids

After school today, a student came to see me for some test prep help. However, he also came to tell me, ‘My script has changed, Miss —-.’

And so, what did we do for roughly an hour and a half after school? Work on school work? Nope. We did run-throughs of the many possible scenarios that would arise tomorrow when he approaches this girl to ask her out. Actually, it isn’t even necessarily a date for which he is asking. See the rough “script”, as he calls it, here:

Hey, are you S——? I’m ——-. Nice to meet you. I just wanted to introduce myself, because, honestly, I saw you and I though you were gorgeous, and I’d like to get to know you. Would you like to maybe do something together one day after school or maybe next week?

He has prepared for many contingencies in her possible reactions at any point in his “script”. He has practiced plowing through even when he messes up and stumbles terribly (and yes, he does a great job recovering). He is ready for her apathy, her casual interest, her extreme excitement, and even her likely five-girl gaggle. He is prepared and practiced in how he will ask for her number (and why, should she offer a social media option instead), and what he will say once he has it. He has watched a Ted Talk on power stances, so as to prepare himself chemically in the brain – to cause the chemicals of courage! – and will be positioning his body in at least one power stance during the last several minutes of the previous class tomorrow. He has visualized his “perfect game” in the whole scenario.

He has certainly prepared.

Most importantly, though he cares about this and means every word he is preparing to say to her, he also is prepared for her not to accept his request and expression of interest – he is prepared to accept what is meant to be, and he knows that it is worth being courageous despite the potential of denial. Because this prepares him for so much more than merely asking out a girl tomorrow. Life takes courage if we are to live it to our fullest.

I wish him all the best and loads of love and prayers for this courageous event tomorrow. And I look forward not only to seeing it happen from afar – yes, it so happens that it will take place just outside a window by my room – but to hearing whatever he has to share about it afterward. Hopefully, I will hear that roar of delight from him that he expects will be inevitable should he succeed.

Fingers crossed and prayers offered – God, bless him in his endeavours, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Stressful rest times

The weekend has only just begun, and I’m already greatly stressed, and I have been so for several hours. Having loads of activities over the weekend, when I have work all week long both beforehand and afterward, is just exhausting and stressful for me. Plus, next week is my last week, and there’s much I have to do to make that happen successfully. And the main teacher reached out in a way that felt not very respectful – not disrespectful per se, but not respectful either – this week, disregarded what I offered for times to meet, and so is coming to school in the middle of the day one day, when I already will be swimming with work I still must complete… I am not delighted about it, and am rather stressed about it. Ugh…

God, please help me to experience the rest I need tonight and this weekend, and help me o have a lovely time in all of my activities throughout the next eight days especially. Thank you for this life. Stay with me and guide me, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Tum Tumm

I’ve had this drum for almost two years now, and I still am not very good at playing it. I haven’t had any lessons of any kind, because I don’t know drum players (for this kind), and I’m just not an internet lesson person (despite my encouraging others to do it regularly!)… man…, how do I sort out my life enough to be able to do all those internet lessons I have been wanting to do these past few years???

I think part of it is financial security. Another part is the predictability of my schedule and life that usually comes with financial stability and security. That makes the routine possible, and having the routine is something I both want and need for my learning things of all kinds. At present, though, I don’t allow myself the mental space for such things, as there is too much else that is more important that I still need to figure out, versus these things I just want to figure out. Yeah…

Hmm…

I’m hoping Thanksgiving week has drumming in it for me(!!!).

Post-a-day 2021

Completion and New Beginnings

As this chapter comes to a close, God and Universe, please, guide me into the opening of the next chapter calmly, comfortably, gratefully, and wholeheartedly. May I bless the world with who I am and in all that I do, sharing fully your love with all those tied to me and this life. Help me to breathe easily in the knowledge that this all is perfect exactly as it is, and that you will use me perfectly for what only I can do and for what I am created and made to do. Please, give me the courage to do what needs most to be done, and to love truly.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Gratitude

Post-a-day 2021

Empty pockets, empty soul?

Tonight, I attended Mass at one of the wealthiest parishes in town. It was natural that the priest was insistent that everyone take a paper bag for the food drive – it has a list of items on it for one to purchase and then return to the church in the paper bag.

I did not take a bag, though I did consider it. I am not financially stable in a way that I can safely sacrifice the money it would cost to get all the items. Because it would be that for me, a sacrifice. I have barely been able to afford my own groceries and life bills lately. I cannot safely provide them for others, not right now, no matter how I may want to do so.

And so, as I was leaving Mass, the priest asked if I had gotten a bag. I told him that I hadn’t. ‘Why not?’ ‘It is not something I can do right now,’ I reply with best coming to my eyes. ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it requires money, which I do not have at present.’ ‘Ask your parents!’ he declares jovially, but allows me to thank him for Mass and pass without a bag.

I was fully crying by the time I reached the curb.

I immediately evaluated what was happening, of course. I was equating my financial situation with my personal worth, as well as my success as a person and adult and one worthy of being loved. And it sucked. And that was okay.

I reminded myself that being in my present situation isn’t bad. It is just what’s so, and my discomfort is merely a clear sign that I want to change something about it all. And so, what do I want to change about it all? Well, I want to teach. And at this particular school. If I need to wait another six months or hear and a half before I get to do that for real, that’s okay. Until then, I will continue to make myself better for my work, as well as make a difference in the world in my daily life. And I will make true efforts to have more money coming to me and reliably so. I can do this. And, as I mentioned to someone else today, failing at something doesn’t mean I am bad. It just shows how I can improve and allows me an opportunity to do so. Alors, let’s do it, Banana. We can do this.

Post-a-day 2021

Okay

Okay, I give up.
Take me where you want me to be.
Guide me where you need me, guide me where I need to be.
Help me to do what you need me to do,
And help me to do what I am here to do.
Make me ready to do
What I am made to do.
I give up resisting.
I am here.
I am yours.
Take me.
I love you.
Peace
Amen
And thank you
Post-a-day 2021