Gratitude in Turmoil

I have begun sorting things out for my first series of books.  And I am thoroughly enjoying it.  I imagine that the assignments will change somehow after tomorrow, seeing as how it was only a three-day assignment.  However, I have so enjoyed doing this assignment, I can tell that it is on the right path, at last for myself with this whole book prospect.  I am grateful for the opportunity to work with this coach, and I fully feel how blessed I am to have the opportunity, especially right now in my life.  It has been an extremely rough few weeks for me – kind of an extra-raw subject right now, after such an amazing high from all the hiking and road tripping from last month – and this is helping me to chug through the low at which I have recently found myself to be.

It really sucks when the body doesn’t do properly what it’s intended to do, but I guess it wasn’t made to live the life I live, anyway, so it kind of makes sense in a way… hmm… I hadn’t ever thought of it that way… I’m going to pursue that casually, now…

Anyway, life has been rough, and this coaching has been a well-timed blessing for me.  Thank you, Life, World, and God for such blessings.

Gratitude here.  🙂

Post-a-day 2020

So, it begins…

Today was the first day of writing for me.

I got myself signed up officially with a coach of sorts, and we began working together on Sunday.

By last night, I was ready to go for today with my first writing assignment on the topic that most called me.

Suffice it to say, I was surprised by what topic and book style called most to me.

See, it’s been really cool working with this coach, because she all sorts of coaching, including art coaching.

(Art coaching uses art to help sort out things in one’s life.)

Sunday, through the coaching, I got to write out a whole list of book style possibilities, and then I did an art coaching assignment with them all, in order to find which type of book most called to me… and I was blown away with how low on the list a novel was, and with what was way up at the top.

But, today and tomorrow and the next day, I have a specific writing task to go with this topic, and I will get to re-evaluate after the three-day assignment…, but I’m not sure I’ll want to change the selection – from the assignment today alone, I saw not only how much I have to say for this particular topic, but also how easily it all flows out of me… and almost in a flood of words being released, with style dropped out the window, and the information itself reaching for the page in front of me with an intensity I hadn’t realized was really there, waiting to come forth…

Anyway…, I’m enjoying it so far, and I am excited for the next to days especially, and the next few months as a whole. 🙂

Yay!, for getting things handled that matter to ourselves, right??

Right! 😀

Post-a-day 2020

Who I am

I am back home now (from my most recent traveling adventures to pursue and be with love and nature), and I am experiencing that odd yet familiar feeling I get whenever I live elsewhere and then come back to Houston… the one where it feels like all that time I spent away didn’t actually happen, and that that much time has my actually passed since I was last here… and that I, therefore, must not have changed in any way…

And, for a brief period of rising intensity of panic, I begin to wonder if I will go back to the person I was before I left, and my time and experiences elsewhere really will be erased from my life.

Then, somehow, I come to, and I take a stand for myself and how proud I am first to have accomplished all that I accomplished and second to be the person I am now.

There is stuff I do not like about being here in particular, and the concerns of ‘going back to how things were’ are real for me right now… I do not want to do that.

And so, I must and I will stand for myself and my goals and dreams in this life, and I will let these baller things sprout and flower in these coming days and weeks and months… and I can hardly wait for this garden I will have produced in the not-so-distant future in my life and in the world around me.

World, here we come. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

The sun’ll come up ;)

And I’ll be ready 🙂

Do you ever start to feel like you might not be good enough for something, or that something you love just isn’t practical enough, and so you might just need to give it up…?

I’ve been feeling that lately.

Yet tomorrow – I can hardly quell the rising butterflies of delight within my chest and lower rib cage at the thought of tomorrow – I will be doing something that is reminding me of exactly why I started doing this in the first place… I do this, because I love lively moments of life, and lovely perspectives within life…, and I find them worth sharing, as far and as wide as is possible.

And it doesn’t matter if I don’t have the fanciest or greatest quality of equipment – what matters is that I see it, and I use that ability to be able to share and forward the love to others.

Even if it isn’t in perfect of perfect focus and lighting and blah-blah-blah… 🙂

And it’s nice to be reminded of that…

Because I am super excited about tomorrow. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Creativity is the key, and the door does not exist

The thing is: At any given moment, there are an infinite number of possibilities as to what could happen next.

Our futures aren’t set in stone.

Sure, there are several paths that are the more likely and most likely and almost definite next moves, based on our past behaviors and ways of thinking and all…

But that doesn’t mean they are the only possibilities, the only options…

All the others are still out there, in every moment – any given moment still could go any direction, despite what came before it.

And we get to choose that next move…

No matter what, anything is possible.

And I think it is important to remember that.

Even if we fall into the deepest despair in life, we can still choose to make a different move from those “most likely” and “almost definite” moves… we can choose whatever we like.

Anything is possible, and the limit is only that of our imagination.

So, let’s get creative, and start expanding our move vocabulary. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Homeward Bound

One of my favorite sets of movies when I was a child, it was…

Anyway, I’m headed home in the morning.

Well, in the afternoon, I suppose… I’m packing up in the morning, though, and possibly going to a museum quickly after I do some tutoring, and before I head out.

I’m headed to Dallas area in the morning, and am meeting someone there for a drink or something, and then I’ll be heading home after that, in the later afternoon.

And I might actually be even head to that until almost noon, anyway.

So, I’m headed home at some point tomorrow. 😛

And I’m not opposed to a detour along the way, either… I just need to be able to be in Austin on Monday for hiking.

This time, it will be hot and humid hiking… I likely will miss Madison’s weather greatly. 😛

But that’s okay… the hiking will be lovely, and my skin will be glad to have humidity back in its life… it’s been so dry up north these past few weeks, both in Wisconsin and in OKC.

So… a lot is ready to begin at home… I am almost ready for it to begin… and I am ready to jump on in, anyway. 🙂

This life is beautiful, and this next part of it is likely to be a glorious and fun adventure. 🙂

Here’s to our next steps, y’all: Cheers. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Arrived, and problem grasped, perhaps?

Well, I have arrived to my goal endpoint of this first main part of my travel adventure this month: Wisconsin.

I can share details of things later – and I have much to say – but I want to share a discovery from late tonight.

You see, there’s this job I might be offered.

When it was out of my hands (I applied as they requested), I felt better and better with each day that passed.

And each day brought no news or updates.

Today, I was asked to come in to the office tomorrow morning for an official interview… radio silence, and then three efforts to get in touch with me this afternoon and evening, because they want an immediate interview in person tomorrow.

… for a job I just did for three months… and am even kind of still doing for he time-sensitive things that would have been otherwise forgotten.

I said clearly that I could not be there for an in-person interview until the end of the month, and that I am available for phone or video interview as early as tomorrow…. which is what I had mentioned already in the car, during the 7-ish pm phone call I received to see if I’d gotten the e-mails today…

I, of course, was driving, so had done no reading, including but not limited to e-mails and text messages.

So, anyway, I gave my availability in this e-mail I’ve just sent.

And I find myself more and more stressed and angsty about everything, somehow…

But I was fabulous All Day today… dRIVing, mind you… alone…. from 4:33am to 8:32pm.

It has me really wonder if I would prefer not to have this job…

… and if it was the reason for my being so stressed and in need of a break from the city lately…

Hmm…

Post-a-day 2020

What’s the name of the game?

I want it all to work out beautifully, but along the lines of my intentions… we shall see what life has in store, however.

Likely, I will discover something much better and rather different than I had ever expected, and for many, many reasons.

After all, is that not how much of life tends to work in the first place?

Anyway…

I’ve been struggling the past ten days, give or take a few on either side.

Getting myself to exercise, even to get out of the house and be specifically outdoors has been tough.

Part of me wonders if something is off in my hormones and diet, but most of me believes that I simply have gotten myself into a mental slough…

This whole “What’s Next” thing has really been getting to me, and I feel like I need a bit of a break from being where I am and have been, both mentally and physically.

The things I have been doing have ended or are ending, and I want a quick vacation to reset, and then to come back and take on all the new stuff full-force(!).

I got a small taste of what it feels I most need last Friday…, and it was amazing, but it also reinforced my draw to taking that real retreat from this daily circumstance in which I presently find myself (and have found myself for a very long while).

I was supposed to do a somewhat quick road trip with my mom, and go visit my brother in Wisconsin, because my mom has wanted to take a road trip with me in her new car for the past three years (though, I only just this year learned of this intention of hers).

Every time I’ve asked to arrange everything with my brother and her, she tells me her schedule won’t allow it.

Okay…

So, I aimed for a shorter trip to visit my cousin in Oklahoma.

It was to be during the workweek, so that I could still work remotely, and we wouldn’t interrupt my cousin’s weekend time with her husband, who had to be at work during the workweek.

But then, suddenly, days before we are about to go, my mom declares that she can’t take of time during the week like that – it must be a weekend…., even though she had already agreed, before I had even reached out to my cousin about visiting.

And then, we were going to go to Galveston for an overnight stay…, but my mom, yet again, decided she actually couldn’t take off when she said she could from work, so we would have to do it on a weekend… when everyone else is there…, which neither of us was interested in doing.

And now, two and a half road trips having been canceled, I’m about ready to burst… I already had my summer plans of spending six weeks in Italy and England (to work on my thesis and visit my best friend and her soon-to-be baby) canceled…, I don’t know how much more of being stuck here I can take.

If it goes much longer, we risk my getting a job elsewhere and just moving away, clear as day…

I was doing so well, back when I had things I was looking forward to doing…, and now, I’m what feels like such an oppressive state, I feel it harder to breathe, and I can’t even seem to get myself to exercise… which only adds to my misery, making me feel like I have a huge fat-girl complex, and all I seem to want to do is eat cookie dough and cry and sleep all day to avoid the world…

And it isn’t all day that I feel this way, but it is the underlying tone to almost every moment, and so is always with me.

I know that I’ll be okay at some point, but I’m really not okay right now, and it has kept regressing, little by little, lately… that’s why I couldn’t stand people asking how I was doing weeks ago… I wasn’t okay, but I didn’t want to talk about it with them.

And I still don’t.

But I’m still not okay.

However, I am finally starting to see clearly what all is in the way for me, and I know I can and will start clearing and cleaning it all up in the very near future.

For now, though, I am simply acknowledging it and letting it be.

I am pissed off and I want a retreat from all of this, and I keep being promised one, and then having it pulled away from me.

And it all comes down to money… if I had more of it, this wouldn’t be an issue right now.

But I won’t get into that.

Ugh…

Post-a-day 2020

Out of the frying pan

… and into the black pot of swirling stew…*

Things have been quite the bit of a mumbled- jumbled mess today!

Whew!

Tomorrow is a half-day for work, due to something happening in downtown Houston…

I truly hope and pray that all be smart and safe tomorrow afternoon… let humanity show some advancement, please…

Anyway, things have been crazy today for other reasons entirely, but I am glad for the half-day tomorrow.

However, it is likely to be an interesting half-day in and of itself… man… today’s muddled stew did not turn the way I’d thought it would spin…

Tomorrow is likely to tell us more… and next week will make it all clear, I think.

Fingers crossed… God, guide us all to, through, and with love.

Amen.

*For those who’ve missed it, I’ll tell you merely that I have combined two famous phrases for their meanings and for the locale similarities… 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Nerves

Tomorrow morning starts something new… I could even go High School Musical on the situation – it really is a big deal, and it has all the nerves of high school to go with it.

I want it to go well, which is what has emme nervous… that, and the fact that I have no internet at home, and this will take regular internet access for long-ish periods of time… hmm…

I’ll keep thinking in that, and see what I can come up with that is not only practical but that leaves me truly comfortable.

Anyway, I want to do well with this all… and for many, many reasons, none of which are insignificant.

God, help me to listen to You within me tomorrow morning, especially, and in every moment, as a whole.

Amen.

Let’s do this.

We can do it.

And amazingly so. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020