When did I stop mattering? Or, rather, when did I stop being good enough? Worth it?
It was, almost, easy for quite a while for me to take care of myself. For me to go to bed early to get enough sleep, to wake up early with my natural body rhythm, to exercise greatly, to feed myself very nutritious foods almost always… to take true care of myself. It took little mental effort for so long…
Then something changed.
I don’t know what specifics it was or when, but something big changed inside. Something snapped for me. I have a feeling it was in August when the stuff went down with the gym… actually, yes, that was exactly it. (Haha. Duh. Already blocking it out, I guess! Better work on completing it instead, or I’ll be stuck in this cycle and state for even longer.) Yeah, that gym stuff really shat on me, for lack of better phrasing.
It’s interesting to see how subtle crap like that can have someone go from physically fit and strong, emotionally powerful, empowered, eager for life, and inspiring to a mere shadow of herself, both in terms of presence and in terms of the physical body. As I said to my mom the other day, referencing my being, my energetic space, “I keep getting smaller.” But the same could just as truly be said about my physical space. I’m down likely no body fat, but purely muscle loss of about ten pounds. I was already at nearly-prime physical fitness when I weighed 124lbs last year. The fact that I weigh 114 right now is starting to be a bit scary. Ten pounds is a massive change when one is only 124lbs to begin.
To add some extra context, when I was athletic in college, I weighed about 125-126. Later, when I was not doing great with my physical health and fitness, and I had gotten very sedentary (but never fat), I weighed 130lbs. Weight fluctuated between 128 and 130 on any given day for a few years. After a year at the gym, my muscle mass was way up and my fat was way down – yes, I did body scans for relative comparison over time – and my weight had only gone down about five pounds. So, in my prime physical fitness, I weighed about 124-125. That’s only a 5-6-pound difference from my heaviest. I’ve been in the same five-pound range my whole adult life. Now, in a matter of months, I am suddenly down ten pounds.
Not a great feeling in the mind.
I also have felt that I am, through allowing this struggle, torturing myself. And it hurts all the more that I can’t seem to figure out how to stop it, how to heal it for good. All efforts so far have been necessary, fear-based, and only meant to be temporary. I know they won’t solve anything, but I also know every little bit helps right now.
I think I might just want to sit with this tonight, sit with this sadness and the open-ended space for what I want to create for what’s next. Something is always next, and we always have a say in it. So, I will sit with this all tonight and see where it leads me for tomorrow’s considerations and inspirations.
Thank you, God, for this able-bodied brain and true logic. Help me to use them well, especially concerning my health and well-being. Help me to let go of the anger and the hurt and the need to fight back and attack and scream and yell at them for being so horrid to me. Help me to say to you what I seem to need to say and where I feel I need to be heard. Hear me, please, and help me to release and complete all of this pain and frustration I’ve been carrying around and by which I have somewhat literally been starving. And, if it be your will, please, teach those people not to be jerks – help them to see the light of you, so I don’t have to feel like punching them in the face anymore. That would be great, too. Thank you for a sense of humor. I appreciate when you make me laugh at absurdities. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.
P.S. If you want to pray for my healing and my completion with all those events last year, I would appreciate it and I welcome the loving prayers. 😉 Thank you, too.