Tag: crazy

Productive again

Today, my body woke me at my 4:30-ish hour. I got up and went the bathroom, fully intending to go back to sleep. As I got back to bed, I considered that I might just want to stay up and go work out at the 5:15am class, instead of the 6:30am class, since I was already awake. But I didn’t want to take away sleep if I could still sleep well.

So, I agreed that I would lie down and see what happened. If I fell asleep, I needed the sleep. If I didn’t, then the rest would do me good, and I could get up in another 20 minutes to get ready for and go to the gym.

Sure enough, I was awake 20 minutes later, and so got up and got ready and headed to the gym. It was a great workout, and I was glad I had gone so early. I came home and ate protein and showered in the guest bathroom, then I went back to bed. I slept another four and a half hours – clearly, I still needed sleep, but just not anymore at 4:30 this morning.

And I slept hard. When I finally got up later, my man asked if I was going to the noon workout (in five minutes). He hadn’t even realized that I’d gone this morning. 😛

All that being said, I still had an extremely productive day, and am going to bed satisfied with my accomplishments.

I got a good amount done with my current project in my computer programming course, though not as much as I would have preferred. However, I am still so new to it all, I can’t expect to have it all figured out so quickly. These projects get me every time, the ones that are fully self-led, with no guidance whatsoever.

I ended up hitting a point where I knew I just needed to ask someone for some explanations, so I reached out to the meager few contacts I have in the world of computer programming. One of them told me to come on over to the house, so he could take a look and also show me some fun new stuff in the industry. I did, and the conversation was super helpful for me. It was only minimally helpful regarding the project itself, because he doesn’t do that work in particular (though, he was still helpful there, nonetheless). However, it was extremely helpful for me in terms of the mental doubts and struggles I’ve had about what I’m doing in general. He looked over the course syllabus and said it all looked really good. He agreed that I was on a good path and said that what I was doing was all right, that I had all the right instincts, and that he knew I would do very well in this industry. He mentioned, not for the first time, today that there are even people who go to school for this and get a full bachelor’s degree in it, but still can’t code – their brains just don’t have whatever it takes, don’t function in quite the right way. When I sent him a message of thanks later on, he replied, “Glad to hear it. I don’t know what it is, but you’ve got it.”

It was a very encouraging meeting. He genuinely believes that I won’t even have to wait six months to find work. “You can code!” And he was right – I can code. I just need to find the right place that will let me start where I am and continue to learn, because most people don’t start working in the industry, I think, with so little education in it as I currently have. But I am learning quickly and well – my brain truly is made for this kind of stuff – and that can make all the difference.

Anyway, not quite 9pm and I’m about to go finish my stretched and go to bed. It feels good.

Dear God, please, help me to follow the right path with all of this. Make my way clear for me, that I may pursue and fulfill your will in all that I do and that I may keep you present in all of my steps and in all of my successes. Help me to be the person I can be and want to be. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Current Stresses

Here is an incomplete list of my current stresses:

  • I’m not good enough for my man and I am failing at just about everything I agreed to do and wanted to do in our relationship
  • I can’t support us financially
  • I’m not even contributing financially right now
  • I’m not getting through my courses fast enough 1)to be able to do meaningful-to-me work or 2)to contribute financially, let alone 3)to support us financially
  • I’m really upset with my body’s current status in terms of fitness
  • I feel responsible for the state of fitness and the stress my man has around his state of fitness right now
  • I have stupid acne – a kind I haven’t had since high school or college – that showed up on my face, and I can’t seem to shake it
  • I have a miniature stress session every night when I have to get ready for bed, because I have to go in and out of what is mentally my safe space after showering (because the sink still hasn’t been replaced)
  • I don’t know how to replace the sink myself without messing things up
  • Same thing regarding the handle on the drawer in my desk
  • I can’t seem to get enough sleep, and so am exhausted most of the day most days
  • By being stressed, my body is off-put by the idea of food, making the whole fitness situation even worse
  • My gym plays music too loudly now – it wasn’t this loud in the past – including at the classes that actually were still okay just recently
  • I have trouble focusing on my work when I’m in the same office/room as my man – he’s too ADHD for me when I’m focusing on something, and it distracts me immensely
  • I haven’t sorted out the rest of my stuff after moving it into the house, and so I don’t actually have anywhere else to go to work (that doesn’t cost money)
  • Going through all the classes at Church to join the Church officially has kind of off-put my man to Church-related activities outside of Mass on Sundays… which includes marriage prep-type-stuff
  • The marriage prep-type stuff feels almost pointless anyway right now, because we’re waiting on that annulment, anyway
  • We’re going to keep waiting on that annulment until the other people who agreed to help with it do their part
  • People agreed to help with the annulment and are being non-responsive and not showing any care or concern whatsoever at the fact that their participation literally affects our future and our daily lives
  • People not responding to things period has been really getting to me lately
  • This includes that I invited people to my birthday party, and they didn’t even acknowledge that I did so, let alone show up for the celebration
  • Maybe those people don’t need to be in my life right now – also stressful to consider, seeing as how I was the one who picked them to be in my life in the first place…
  • Do I just have crappy judgement right now? Or sometimes? Or always?
  • Am I even pursuing the right things with my life currently?
  • For some reason, I want to marry on a Thursday – Thursdays are important to me. Churches seem only to offer weddings on Saturdays…
  • It makes me feel sick even to consider planning for a wedding reception right now, while I cannot contribute financially.
  • I don’t want to be around people smoking or who smell of smoke, period.
  • I especially don’t want to be touched by or be near such people during parties I am having, including my wedding, nor do I want them smoking at my wedding.
  • I don’t like drunk people.
  • I don’t want to pay for the creation of drunk people, and I don’t exactly want to pay for anyone’s alcohol at our wedding.
  • I haven’t figured out how to share stresses with my man without pissing him off…
  • Which stresses me out even more, not being able to share myself openly and just be heard
  • My man doesn’t seem to understand that, oftentimes, I just need to say how I feel about something, and that’s enough for me to let it go and be over it.
  • My man keeps feeling like he’s wrong or messed up or not enough or something like that, all because of what I say and do
  • Why do I keep making him feel that way? What am I doing so wrong?
  • Why do we still have gnats in the house?
  • My hands are getting drier than ever all of a sudden…
  • Why can’t I get all the house stuff DONE already???
  • Why can’t I get house stuff and school stuff done, all together in a day, multiple days a week?
  • Why do I feel fat and weak and failing at so much right now?
  • There’s dog hair on the insides of my house sandals.
  • This coffee table we had made in Mexico keeps spitting out bugs that apparently were nested inside of it. There’s yet another one lying on the floor now, this time in the bathroom, across the house from the table and not in the direction of the door to outside (which is where the others have all headed so far).
  • My foot hurts, and I don’t know why nor how to fix it.
  • I cost too much money.
  • That fact kind of makes me dislike myself.
  • I feel like I barely get to see and spend time with my man anymore… I miss him. I miss being present together, spending time together intentionally.
  • I feel like it’s all my fault.

……….

That’s just what’s on my mind right now, as I get ready for bed.

God, take it all, please. Please, take it. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Sleep, please

Getting things done, but being a night owl doesn’t help improve my sleep schedule when I have things to do. Lots needs to happen … correction: There are lots of things I want to happen before Sunday, for the party (that may or may not happen, depending on the weather). I’m thinking they won’t be done to the desired degree. However, I think I’m okay with that. I just want to have a nice time in celebration of this life I am blessed to live. However, given that certain people likely to attend will not be easy peasy about a house that doesn’t seem to be put together seemingly perfectly, I now find myself aiming to get some bigger things done. Yes, the bedroom will be in no better shape than it is right now, laundry to be done or folded or sorted into where it will be stored for real and all… and there might even be some more in here, too. Plus, we likely still won’t have a functioning sink in our bathroom, which doesn’t make things any easier. However, my man and I both have loads we want to get done that is outside the bedroom and that will be seen.

What all will we get done and how? Dunno. But we shall see.

Post-a-day 2023

Rodeo Closing

Tonight, we said goodbye to RodeoHouston until next year. We hung in the wine garden, meandered and looked at school art in Center, hung in a couple clubs to have drinks and watch the rodeo, went into the Stadium to watch more of the rodeo and then Luke Bryan’s concert – including his current dad-bod – in great seats, ate some grilled meats and a funnel cake using our discounted food cards, had drinks and danced in one of the clubs, and then wandered around in the crisp and cool air after they closed down the club and kicked out everyone – and I still managed to be gifted a couple extra drink tickets that I never got to use, which was exciting!

My man danced with me – real dancing – and it was spectacular. It was spectacular.

He also danced with my friend who was with us. And he danced with this other lady. Her friend came up and asked us if she could borrow my man, not for herself but for her friend, just for one song. I told him it was a polka, and he then accepted the request – he could do polka decently enough for the task. I told the lady it was a polka and that it was just triple steps the whole time. They succeeded in dancing together. While they danced, the original lady who’d made the request explained to us that her friend had wanted to dance at least once. However, she was worried about guys grinding on her and humping her. So, her friend had said they just need to get a respectable guy. ‘He looks like a respectable guy and like he knows what he’s doing out here,’ she said about my man. ‘As long as she doesn’t get her ass smacked and tits grabbed, she’s good,’ she said about her friend. Fair enough, ma’am. Fair enough. 😛

Anyway, so, we had a great night. We used the rest of our drink tickets. We used a couple extra drink tickets that were given to us. We got to have a small adventure, the three of us (and my mom and stepdad earlier in the day, until we went into the stadium – they’d stayed in the club to watch the whole rodeo before going home). And it was really great.

Thank you, God. Thank you. Please, continue to keep us safe. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Time

It is time to start being who I am here to be, who I have worked so hard these past years to become. I have been afraid recently. I have doubted both myself and God. Life had become inexplicably difficult and stressful, despite pursuing and fulfilling hopes and dreams and wishes and prayers… it wasn’t lining up.

But I had grown afraid and begun to doubt my god and my self. It always grows incredibly difficult when either of those happens, and I’ve had both sets of doubt lately.

So, I grant myself permission to let it all go and to ask God to take it all from me and for me.

Dear God, here you go: have it all. I have been so afraid lately, and have trusted you only in part. Help me to trust you fully as I hand this all over to you. My life is yours. I am somewhat terrified, and I still trust that you love me and will provide for my being my best self. If the answer to my prayer is not a, “Yes,” I know it is because you have something better coming. I give this all to you now. Keep it, please. Your will be done. And help me to do it, please. Keep us safe and loved and loving throughout it all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

St. Patrick’s Day

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! On this feast day last year, God blessed me absolutely with a living St. Patrick who would change my life forever, and for the better. Thank you, God, for the blessing that continues to challenge me every day, all throughout the day, to be my best self and to trust always in You. Please, continue to bless us with your love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Date Night

Date night went well. Crazy traffic for both of us to get to the rodeo. I was way late to get to the sign-ups, and he was way late to show up for the actual thing, but we both made it onto the last fire truck for the Grand Entry, he with only two minutes to spare before we drove off, and it was awesome. He had never been in the Grand Entry before, and the final fire truck gets the whole head of the horseback folks following it out of the stadium. So, it was like we were seeing the big entrance setup as we were leaving the stadium, flags and fancy and all, up close and personal. It was great.

Then, we chatted with some folks before going to sit to watch some of the rodeo events up close (as close as you can for that). He, not realizing that the line doubled back on itself, wanted us to take the escalator, which we never do. As we were on the final portion of that line, we cross paths with his mom and her husband. So, we stepped aside to wait for them, and then chatted with them on the escalator a bit. Then they continued to the next escalator for their club level tickets, and we went down into our seats.

He had been worried about meeting up with them at the rodeo tonight, because he didn’t know how to end the time with them in order to continue our date night. However, this way made it simple and easy, and they were the ones who ditched us, anyway(!). Ha! It’s always silly and wonderful when things just work out like that.

Then, when we didn’t have seats anymore, and a lady had been kind of nasty to my man for being in her seat – remember that volunteers are allowed to sit in any open seats until the ticket-holder arrives to the seats – so we opted to walk over to the club we both like to watch the concert.

On the way, we passed a cinnamon roll stand that was closing up shop. There are two massive cinnamon rolls just sitting there. So, I told my man to ask about them. The owner of the stall told us to take them, as they were the last and leftovers. He told us to heat them up, and they’d be ‘real good’.

My man couldn’t wait, though. When there wasn’t a microwave at our headquarters nearby, he slowly downed his roll. I asked when we got up to the club, and then patiently waited. After about ten minutes, the door volunteer came and snatched up my cinnamon roll paper boat. She brought it back a minute later, nice and hot.

I shared it with my man. 🙂 (I offered some to the lady first, and she declined with gratitude.) We both enjoyed it very much.

And then we enjoyed the concert. Kenny Chesney performs happy – he was in a great mood, and it was fun and infectious. And his voice sounds great. He also looks great. It was awesome, and I am grateful we had the lovely night together.

We both got home safely, and I just now sleep. Much to do in the morning to prep for a friend of mine to stay with us tomorrow night. That whole use-the-guest-room-for-storage idea that started when we cleared out my apartment recently has been backfiring this week. Got a lot to deal with in a hurry. I’ve accomplished much already, but there’s plenty more to go, in addition to sorting out all the changes and tidying in the rest of the house, and having to leave by noon-thirty for my afternoon shift… whoof! That’s a lot to manage! But I can do it. My man had the morning shift, so I’m hoping he’ll be able to get our sink installed before my friend arrives (like before me) tomorrow night. I have faith in him. ❤

Thank you, God. Amen.

P.S. I love grilled cheese sandwiches, too, Mr. Chesney. I love them, too. Mmmmm…

Post-a-day 2023