Marriage and Dating

I find myself yet again thinking on the idea of exclusivity in a dating (or marital) relationship. We say we want an exclusive relationship. But what does that truly mean?

If we have a problem, we go only to one another?

If that is the case, then why would we not want to seek a doctor for medical advice, or a teacher on a specific topic on which we may seek knowledge. Our partner is not necessarily the one who will have the answers we need, and likely doesn’t not expect us to rely on him or her for things outside of his or her own specialties.

What about that, when we have special news, we go first to one another?

Well, what happens to the best friends and sisters and mothers and brothers in this case? They have held such roles for most of our lives, oftentimes. Are they suddenly replaced by this partner’s having come around? Or, at any rate, have they lost their places as our confidantes in life? We do not expect them to do that, I believe. It is more that the partner joins the ranks of such individuals for us.

These are merely two examples of my thoughts on this matter. Their having been said, I move to my great point of concern.

Is it more so a matter of sexual exclusivity that we seek, when we declare a desire for an exclusive relationship?

That thought has been bugging me for quite some time now…

I want to deny it, but I cannot do so effectively yet. And I’m not sure if I ever will be able to do so.

I know that I want to be, in a way, mentally ever-present for my partner, and I want the reverse so, too. I want to be sexually exclusive with one another, and because we both want that specifically – not because we are restraining ourselves in some way from acting on desires with others. I want us to trust and to love and to want to be with one another in all ways, and for us to be okay whenever we are apart – we are so confident in one another’s love and support. We will be always there for one another, and we will speak honestly and openly with one another.

And I don’t want to be in any other kind of relationship with a potential partner, even at the very beginning.

Post-a-day 2021

^!!

Apps, again

You know, I sent him another message in our conversation a couple days ago, and he still hasn’t responded. We usually each send something every day or day and a half. And it has been longer than that, by at least double now.

And, you know what?

I’m completely okay about it. I keep revisiting the situation in my head, wondering if I really am okay, or if I’m secretly obsessive and borderline about to break down an swear off dating apps from anger and frustration of rejection and how crap guys can be. But it is the same every time: I’m genuinely okay that he didn’t respond. Sure, I would love a response from him. But I only want one if it is for the better. If it isn’t, I don’t want a reply from him. And, at the very least, this is a very good experience for me to evaluate and improve upon how I handle such a situation. (So far, I am grateful and proud of myself of being so comfortable in who and how I am that I am comfortable, whether this guy responds ever again or not.)

So, yeah… that’s some surprisingly delightful news for my life these past couple days or so. Totally cool, but also totally odd circumstances for finding something to be cool and delightful. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

^I was thinking about it ahead of time!

A Musical Goodnight

Okay. So, that second song seems to be created now. I likely will make tiny tweaks as I prepare to record it for real – well, more for real – but I like it as it is, and I am very happy with it. I need to go back and listen to another song I did, so I can make sure they don’t sound too similar. At least not unnecessarily similar. I’m fine that they be similar as single-instrument and voice songs – I only know about two strumming patterns after all, and both of these songs are slow songs, so variation is minimal on the instrumental front. However, I want them to be two exclusive songs. So, I need to do a touch of checking and editing on singing notes and phrases.

After that, though, I will upgrade from my casual, ‘Just get it all down,’ recording on my phone to a more official recording of how the song really goes, all the way through.

For now, I shall rest briefly and, hopefully, quite well before the early morning workout that is to come in only a few hours.

Goodnight for now, World. Hasta la dark before sunrise, baby. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^Baller

Music life

I am beginning to see how easy it is to write songs, to create songs. It already seemed doable to me before now, but it has become abundantly clear to me that it is all even easier than expected.

And, I suppose, that is what really is so hard about writing songs. Because it is so easy to start writing them, it is easy to lose track, get distracted, and never finish one. Loads of starts and parts, but very few full, finished songs ever seem to appear.

I guess that is a warning, a reminder, and an encouragement for me. Beware of doing only starts and not actually taking the time and effort to focus on creating a full song in the mix. Remember that it is easy and that you can and want to take the time and make the effort for starts and full songs both. You have done the tremendous effort of completing full and real songs already – you can do it again as many times as you wish.

That being said, I have two songs that are sprouting. One is almost ready to be written beyond just a chorus, and the other began today, budding out with its main idea in the first verse and chorus. (Psst: I’m actually really excited about the latter song.) It feels like the second one will happen before the first, and that’s completely okay with and for me. It isn’t quite yet time for the first, and I know it. It is more a birthday song this year, so it likely won’t be ready until closer to then for me. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

^Whew! I caught myself as I was in the middle of writing the year! No mis-types. Just perfect timing of remembering! 😛

Another some days

Some days, we have high plans, but then end up sleeping most of the day. And that’s totally okay. It is important that we allow our bodies to rest when they need the rest. Aside from all the general rejuvenation that sleep gives us, it is also the time that our muscles repair and build and that our outgoing fat gets released. So, sleep is even better than we imagined!

That being said, I accomplished minor but important tasks today, and I did not accomplish several intended tasks for the day. And that is perfect and okay. I am now going to bed rather early, and that, too, is perfect and okay.

Thank you, World, for this beautiful day and life. I look forward with gratitude to whomever and whatever it is that may come still. 🤗🙏🐪

Post-a-day 2021

^Remembered again partway through!

Incense – *cough *cough

Here’s the deal: I made this new year’s incense with my mom. It smells lovely in the jar. I burned some at the start of the month, using only a small piece of charcoal (as I was about to go to bed, and didn’t want to use a whole charcoal for only one little bit of incense).  It worked beautifully, and smelled amazing. All went well.

Then, a few days later, I wanted to burn some more of the incense. I used a half of a charcoal this time, instead of just a tiny piece, because I was going to be up for a while, and so could add incense as it burned down. Almost immediately, the whole room started filling with smoke. And I know incense smokes. But this was different.  It was like fire smoke.  So, for fear of 1) smoking myself out and 2) setting off the fire alarm, I doused the whole thing with water.

I then left it a while – meaning days – before I returned to burn some again. Two attempts later, I had a very similar result. No, it was not quite as smoky as that second time.  It was still rather smoky, though.  And, get this: it didn’t even burn down all the incense.  So, I’m not even sure what was burning to be all smoky.  I need to defer to my mom on this one, as I genuinely am unsure as to what is going on here.  (To be fair, though, I could just be exhausted and not thinking straight. Genuine possibility. 😛 )

Post-a-day 2021

^ Remembered as I was writing it, so got it technically on the first effort!

The hard conversations

I talked openly about sexual abuse with someone yesterday. And about body parts. And sexual intercourse.

There was no anger or wrong-making or freaking out. We just talked. Questions were asked and answered calmly, honestly, and genuinely. And the conversation eventually comfortably and naturally moved onward into something else.

And nothing was weird. And we both gained an unexpected degree of value from the conversation.

And wouldn’t the world be a better place, if we could have informative, open, and safe conversations about more of these traditionally taboo and sensitive topics?

My world certainly has improved since they have become part of my everyday life. It was really, really scary at first, and difficult. And awkward and uncomfortable. Now, though, it has become quite normal and easy. And I am grateful for that every time such an opportunity and conversation arise.

Post-a-day 2021

^Right in the middle of typing it, I caught myself, and so got it right 😛

Ready or not

My whole body seems to be hurting – well, all the muscles on the outer layers, anyway – right now, it is almost 11 o’clock, and yet I am getting up at 4:20am to attend the 5:15 workout class in the morning. And I have several activities scheduled with others throughout most of the day tomorrow. I likely will be very tired and sleepy by the end of it all.

So, why I am sticking to all of it, instead of rearranging or rescheduling anything? Because tomorrow is one version of an ideal day for me. I will be doing things that nourish me, that nourish others, that I love doing, and that also happen to earn quality money to support me in this life.

And I am not only super excited about it – I am terrified. It’s that good. 🙂

So, cheers to a restful and empowering sleep for me tonight, and for anyone else who needs it tonight: may we have our dreams come to fruition, as we become our true selves more and more every day. 😉

Post-a-day 2021

^ Whoop! Had to think about it, but I got it right!

Brain fart?

I just received a box in the mail. I was surprised, as I was not expecting any boxes. It was a 12”x10”x6” box.

Its contents?

A piece of paper and a plastic package of underwear, measuring 4”x3”x1”.

And I know the sender had significantly more environmentally friendly and less wasteful packaging available to them. In fact, their usual packaging is quite small, and is reusable.

Is that not just ridiculous?

Perhaps the box is a better deal, because I will recycle it, but I might not ever reuse the reusable packaging they typically use. N

onetheless, why?

Note: And yes, I would have bought the underwear in person, had they been available for me to buy anywhere in person.

Post-a-day 2021

^ 100% missed it this time. I actually forgot that I had even written anything at the end, and was going back to add the line before publishing, when I found that I had already done it… with 2020… ::face palm

Steps, my a…

Why, oh, why did I have to be resting in bed all day today? I know I was sick with a cold, and my body needed the rest and recuperation. I know that. But why did it have to be an all day thing?

Because now I have to compensate 7,000+ steps that were intended to be spread throughout the day. As I prepared for bed just now, I found an unfortunate approximate 2500 steps achieved for the day. Which, I suppose, is a lot for a day of being sick in bed almost the whole day, never leaving the house, and not officially being up and about until after 1pm.

Nonetheless, I genuinely forgot about it today. My rest was necessary, I know, but I very easily could have done some extra walking around the house later in the afternoon and evening, as I was feeling progressively better. Instead, totally sleepy and ready for bed, I’m having to get the remaining approximate 7500 steps required for me to go to bed.

Man, does it sometimes suck sticking to one’s own word…

And I want to go to bed so badly, because I’m getting up at 4:20 in the morning to go do a super intense workout, which will burn loads more calories than these 7500 steps right now will burn. So, that just adds to the annoyance of this all.

But I set this goal and requirement for myself, fully knowing myself. I gave my word. And I always am grateful afterward that I stuck to my word, even when it is under ridiculous circumstances.

So, yeah… ::face palm

Post-a-day 2021

^Whew!