Oh, snap…

6:40am: Wake up groggily, in need of a bathroom. I have slept in by over two and a half hours, and my body is demanding that I get up to relieve it, at last. I do.

As I re-ascend, a flea lands on my ankle. I grab it immediately, destroy it, and flush it down the sink. This cycle repeats itself once more, but this time with the bug landing on my shin. I head downstairs a get plates and tea lights, set up the traps in a few spots, hoping to nab anything left while it is still somewhat dark outside, and pour the soapy water and light the candles.

As I am just about to head upstairs to my bed – for I had not felt as though I had slept eight hours, and felt a real need for more – , a pain strikes my lower belly. Oh, no… digestion problem, I think, rushing back to the bathroom. Everything had gone as usual in the bathroom initially, but my father’s (and my maternal grandfather’s) GI tract genes had been passed down to me, so it is somewhat always a toss-up as to whether by bowels will be normal or ridiculously sensitive.

Back in the bathroom, I find that nothing is interested in moving – it feels as though there is nothing to depart from my body, even. And yet, I am suddenly crying out in pain, it has become so intense. But nothing seems to be happening inside me. Just pain exists, increasing to a point I have never known. I have had success pains before, but they typically end within a minute, as things readjust inside me, and then I am fine.

But this is somehow different.

The cries of pain continue to escape my lips, shocking my more and more. What is happening?

There is a chance it could be the appendix. The position of the point of the most pain is appropriate. But I’d need a second opinion to be sure. Perhaps I would do best to call my mom and ask her, since I know that she knows. The cries and the pain continue and increase, as the phone calls.

Straight to voicemail. I call again, in case it is merely Do Not Disturb. Voicemail immediately. She’s still asleep. I could call the house, but only if absolutely necessary, as it would wake more than just her. Wait on that.

Thinking is growing fuzzy. As I begin to get up from the toilet, my ears lose full hearing, filling partly with a fuzzy, humming noise. My vision is shaking. I might be about to pass out.

I rush to wash my hands, and rinse some cool water on the back of my neck. It helps briefly and barely. I need water. But my bottle is upstairs. If something goes wrong, I need to be downstairs. There’s a cold bottle in the fridge, I recall.

I bolt in a slow stumble down the stairs to the kitchen, and open the fridge, shakily. I manage to pull out the water and drink some, then hold it against the back of my neck.

But I cannot hold it there. Before I really know how it has happened, I find myself on my hands and knees, my head laying inside the fridge, my breathing heavy and intense.

I just feel so hot.

And I hadn’t five minutes ago.

Something is definitely wrong.

I call my brother. He does not answer. I call the house for my mom twice, but it just keeps ringing both times. Some emergency contacts, I think, somewhere far back in my brain.

I might hurl, I realize. But I might just need a bowel release. Either way, I need to get back to the bathroom.

Because I always put things away, I put the water away in the fridge, though something inside tells me too weakly to bring it with me. Too hard to hold.

I crawl back up the stairs, so hot, out of breath, the pain only increasing in my lower belly, just above my pelvic floor, especially on the right side.

I make it to the bathroom. Nothing is moving in my bowels, nothing wants to exit. As I have been contemplating where to seek emergency medical care, should I need it – though, I had wanted a second opinion on that, this the phone calls – I am now faced fully with making the decision myself. But I know I cannot see well enough or function well enough to find the directions to the right place on my phone. Urgent Care, not ER, but I have never been there, so I’m not certain we’re it is; just that it is near.

First that, then see if I can drive… or even make it to the car.

I have been very near passing out this past several minutes, I know I need someone else to know of my situation, to help if I do pass out.

I call a friend on EDT, knowing she would be awake by 8:20am, even if it is a Saturday. She answers.

But I find that I cannot speak.

I manage a greeting of some sort, I believe, but then just continue breathing heavily, crying tears of pain and confusion and frustration. I know she will remain calm and evaluate properly, but I need to communicate what is happening.

My arms have gone completely tingly, shoulders to fingertips. When did that happen?

With much struggle and murkiness, I finally manage to say what is happening. I am only in underwear at this point. My shirt was wrenched off in the bathroom when the heat first began – I had thought that I only was overheating somewhat, but my skin was completely soaked with sweat once I’d slid off my shirt.

She first tells me that her husband (hems a doctor, but not the first reason I was calling her) is not with her right now, but then immediately tells me that I might be having a panic attack – BREATHE. At this point, I am lying face-down on the floor, my cheek just hanging over the first stair step. My left hand clenches a soaked paper towel… soaked with what? Tears, snot, sweat…, probably all of them, but I cannot quite remember how it even got to my hand. My right hand is pressed into my lower right belly, at the point of the most pain.

Staring at the phone – on speaker – on the floor next to me, I focus on calming my breathing, deepening each stroke. I am still terrified, but I already feel immensely better emotionally, now that someone is here with me. That helps my breathing ease better.

We laugh at her comment on how I should probably be talking to an actual doctor, not someone searching on WebMD. My face is soaked and my body hurts, my arms still tingling, but my hearing has been restored and I can see clearly, though my processing is still slow – it takes real effort to make the words come out. But I tell her that, if we determine I need to go to see a real doctor, I first need to make it upstairs to put on clothes. We laugh at the prospect of my showing up in my car in just a pair of underwear, and I wonder if I would end up with a ticket afterward for indecent exposure…. and yet an ambulance would have taken me in just my underwear, and that would have made their jobs even easier.

I marvel somewhere in the back at how I can even have such thoughts right now, but can barely manage to mutter a single simple sentence aloud.

I tell her that, even if it just turns out to be digestion issues, I am totally okay with that. I’m still glad I was able to get ahold of her. I’d actually rather not have it go that way if I ended up at Urgent Care, however. Not cool. She is giving me options of what might be wrong, assessing my specifics on the pain locations.

Nothing quite lines up as well as the facts that 1)I am near beginning menstruation, and 2)I have bad bowel genes. I ate brisket yesterday, which I do not usually do, but everything else was rather normal in my food.

As we sit on the phone, the pain slowly begins to ebb away, bit by bit. I ask her to stay with me, and she agrees with a firmness that she had already planned on that.

After an hour, I finally have been able to roll to my right side, and curl up in a ball for a bit, and then lie on my back, knees up. The pain has finally begun shifting around slightly, no longer covering such a great area within my body, but it has shifted partly, though gently, to the tender area just above the pelvic bone and in front of the uterus. It is relaxing its grip, nonetheless. I make it to my hands and knees. My arms are only barely tingling.

I need water. I had wanted some already, and had laughed as I’d told her that my brain felt like she could get it for me, because she was here with me now… that fogginess hadn’t been able to sort out the different between digital and physical presence, obviously. But so, I have finally made it to my hands and knees. After staying there a while longer, I finally make it shakily to my feet, and then head downstairs. Perhaps I should eat food, too.

I have some calm, dry food, after I gulp some more water, and she tells me she’ll check in again later.

It is almost 9:00 now. I use the bathroom once more – no BM or gas, of course – and head upstairs to rest briefly. For some reason, I have it in my head that I still need to go to the gym. I had already canceled the 9:00am cardio class, knowing that was neither an option nor a good idea. Not paying that no-show fee. But the 10:00 class is just calm weights, and part of that was something I had missed Monday and had been waiting to make up all week.

I couldn’t miss it… but that had been a thought I’d had before the morning’s insanity. However, my brain was still so murky that it was not able to notice that fully. It just knew that I had to go to 10:00. And that I had convinced someone to go with me, and had helped that person sign up for the class this morning… while I was lying on the floor in the hallway, shaking still…

(I know, right?)

And so, after a brief nap, I did go. Before we began, one of the guys asked about my morning so far – I think – and so I told him a brief summary.

‘And you’re still here?!’

My brain hadn’t even considered that yet. Life goes on, was all it could think, and so it had had me continue onward in my day.

It was still very difficult to talk, to make my body out forth the effort of creating and spitting out words, more than just a few at a time. But, once we got to work on our training, I didn’t really need words – not more than a few every so often – and so life felt somewhat normal. I was sleepy, exactly, but my brain felt something like sleepy, and my body was definitely tired. I had the wherewithal to take it all easy, but not to consider that I maybe should just go to bed or something.

I think I really wanted to be with people for a while. And whatever was wrong with me seemed utterly unlikely to be contagious. I’d even checked my temperature, and it was quite low. No elevation whatsoever. And I don’t feel that kind of sick, anyway. I just felt cloudy and a bit weak on endurance.

And I was. But I got through all that I’d determined to do for today’s workout, and I felt much improved by the end of it. Though, no longer having a specific, repetitive task in front of me, it was a struggle to walk to the car to get myself home. I stopped for bananas on the way, knowing I would want smoothies today and tomorrow, and feeling a call toward eating a banana, anyway.

I managed to make food and eat it, and drink some smoothie, and then shower and nap for a while before having to head to work. When I got in, I found that I couldn’t talk. Not quickly, anyway. If someone greeted me, I could only smile, and then wonder how speech worked, feeling mentally my throat and mouth. I set down my stuff, and acknowledged that maybe I couldn’t do this work today, despite my efforts to show up. My belly had begun aching again, but I wasn’t sure when. Every time I considered genuinely talking, my eyes started to burn.

I went a spoke to the supervisor. She reminded me what the store actually does, that they’ve been short workers before, and that it is significantly more important that I take care of my own health and well-being than suffer through helping there. They absolutely would make it without me, if I needed to go home. And the fact that I had shown up in the first place spoke volumes to my dedication. No, there were no negative repercussions for me, if I determined that I needed to go home right now. Think about it, she told me, and let her know. I had been crying from the moment I’d started telling her what had happened.

After a few minutes sitting there, chatting – well, sort of – with another coworker who had been in the room with us, I noticed that I was hunching forward. When I stood up, I could not stand up straight. The pain was too strong, and I was too weak.

I was going home.

Now, it is just after 6:30pm. I am lying uncomfortably in bed, that lower right spot gently twisting again. The aim is to sleep. The goal is to awaken healed tomorrow. We shall see what happens.

Post-a-day 2021

Discoveries

Yup. As expected from years ago, reading the Shopaholic books, I love personal styling/shopping and fit sessions.

I took my sister into a store today, knowing all the details of all the stuff, and had a blast pulling things for her to try and test, and helping her find exactly what she would love using and what would support her needs. It was awesome.

It has me wonder even more so, if there could be something further with that idea of empowering people to be their best selves… work wise, I mean. That is good for my thought for the next while, I do believe. It was touching here and there for a while, but this might be the night hat it upgrades in my mind for deeper perusal and consideration.

A world full of people being their best selves would be a spectacular place to live.

Post-a-day 2021

Because…

It is 00:16; much too late for me still to be awake. But I am staying at my aunt’s house for a visit. My scheduled run was pushed back first by a ‘need’ to start the cooking process of crawfish, and then by the arrival of more extended family. So, I had to eat first, and then let the food settle, wait for the family to leave, and then go running.

My cousin, who rode a bicycle beside me, and I set out at 9:21pm. That’s past my usual bedtime. Add onto it that I was running with another 2.5 pounds in the vest today (tonight, I suppose, really), for a total of ten pounds in it. I had intended only to run a mile and be done for the night.

But my cousin and I have something in common: we both know a lot about David Goggins. It had come up yesterday, and we nerded out a bit together. It has come up several times since, both as conversation and as comedic comments. (e.g.’What’s the active ingredient in that medicine?’ asks my cousin, referencing an allergy medicine that was just declared unreal regarding how effective it was. I answered casually, ‘David Goggins’s blood. It has magical healing powers.’)

And so, while out, I determine that I will do the full half of the ladder, from running five, off one, down to the run one, off one, and be done.

As I grow close to the end of that half ladder, I notice myself being very tired and wanting to be done. I have the option to turn left and probably end up back at the house right at the end of the half ladder, or go straight and have to walk a lot extra at the end to get back to the house…., but also have the option to finish the ladder, should I do choose.

I continued straight, just in case, and mostly because I so desperately wanted to turn left – I was feeling tired (but not bad by any means).

As I reached the near end of the half ladder, I asked my cousin, who was semi-drunk swerving alongside me (swerving intentionally to keep pace with me, not because he was too drunk to go straight – he just also happened to be drunk) if I was doing the whole ladder. He merely responded, “Are you?”

I replied that, well, with David Goggins being so prevalent this weekend, I kind of feel like I have to do the whole thing.

And so I did. At some point, as we discussed how silly it all was, my having reached a point of things being already half-digested for my morning BM (which is just after four most every day, remember) that they were started to shake heavily down low, calmly demanding a bathroom break when I had about eleven minutes remaining in the ladder, my cousin commented, in response to a why? inquiry, “Because F***ing Goggins!”

It immediately reminded me of the phrase, “Because F***ing Japan,” which I learned to use while living there. This new one was quite the different experience, but a similar sentiment – absurdity. Why is this utterly ridiculous thing happening? Because f***ing fill-in-the-blank!

And so, we now have the phrase, “Because f***ing Goggins.”

I hope he would be honored to know this, as it is an honor. Extreme respect for him and for his beautiful influence via insight.

Post-a-day 2021

Today

Today, I attended two baptisms virtually, one in the UK and one in OK.

They were kind of really cool, yet still quite bizarre in the whole situation of each of them. I am glad, nonetheless, that they each happened and that I attended each.

And that I was invited. 🙂

So, I’m officially a godmother now… doesn’t really feel any different than yesterday felt. Although, I do feel as though I ought to have my financial stability settled, if I am to be in such a supportive role (even though it has almost nothing to do with money). I suppose that it merely due to my expectations that adults have finances sorted out – a viewpoint that I, no doubt, developed in childhood via assumption.

I’m not sure I want to know how many adults don’t have their finances sorted out, especially right now.

:/

On a separate note, I keep thinking about teaching I want to do in prisons… hmm… is that part of what’s next, God and Cosmos??

Help me to see, please, or, at least, to step forward confidently where I am best to go next.

In gratitude, amen

I had an early dinner and a game evening with a new-ish friend – the one from brunch from high school! – and her boyfriend and pets and, just at the start, two others, including a year-and-a-half-old child today, too. And it was awesome. Just where I felt was perfect for me to be. Especially when certain conversation developed with the friend’s boyfriend – These are good people, I found myself feeling and thinking, meaning ‘good people for me to have around and be around’. I had simply reached out yesterday about a potential future plan for something else entirely together, and she invited me for some food today. I almost hadn’t sent that message, for nerves, but it had felt right finally yesterday. So, I sent it, and we ended up with an awesome evening tonight, lives merging ever so much more. I am grateful for it.

Post-a-day 2021

Hmm

Well, I still have the rash. I think the next step is to get baby diaper rash cream tomorrow. I will be in the same place as my mom at one point, so I’ll see if she will take a look at it to give her confirmation on the potential diagnosis of diaper rash. If she does confirm, I’ll move forward with that treatment pathway. If she finds it to be different than she expected, then I’ll use whatever knowledge she has to guide my next steps.

Fingers crossed!!

Post-a-day 2021

^Only a slight hesitation that time

Likes

I have been casually noticing lately how many of my “excitements”, as I call them, did not originate within myself.

Example: I got excited in fifth grade about anything to do with this one particular boy. We run into his mom in the library, I go talk with her, because it ties back to him times ten. That’s the excitement piece. Now, what were its origins? Why did I even care so much about things to do with this boy? Because my friend K liked this boy. She was excited about him and anything to do with him. I had joined in to support her in her endeavor and excitement. I was excited for her. Because she was going to be excited about something new, I was excited in anticipation of her excitement, of her would-be excitement. It’s much like when throwing a surprise party for a friend or family member – we are excited for the joy the other person (hopefully) will have. I was excited by anything to do with this boy, because I knew K would be excited about it. I didn’t like the boy as she did, but it didn’t look that way to the outside world.

I love Hello Kitty (キッチちゃん). Why did I learn to love it? Because my mom and my sister loved it and always showed it to me. I then would get excited for them every time I crossed Kitty-chan.

Pink flamingoes – my mom and my cousin.

Watches and knives – my brother.

There seem to be innumerable things in my life that excite me, but not for me. To an outsider, it seems I love the thing itself. When, really, I just love and care about a person who loves the thing.

That being said, is there anything I like, all on my own?

Perhaps language and grammar and math/physics are a few of mine. And volleyball. Haha. And dance and teaching… these are all things that originated within myself – I do not love them for someone else, but for themselves.

But I certainly still have what feels like boatloads of all the other things… I am looking into that for myself.

Post-a-day 2021

^Still takes effort

Light…

Painting. We did some tonight! AND we used lightsabers. Because why would we not?

I am beyond excited to check out the photos tomorrow, after I’ve gotten some sleep. I pray it be intensely restful sleep for me tonight.

Post-a-day 2021

^Had to think about it, but got it easily when I did

Mardi Gras Fun (Run)

As expected, after my much-needed rest, I was quite willing and able to greet the freezing cold day today. We added on a little extra time to our sleeping, because we were getting to bed so late, and we showed up at the run just before it was supposed to start – only two minutes before packet pick up was scheduled to end, and 17 minutes before the run was to start.

And it was a blast. There were not very many people there – perhaps around 50, and just as many people who did not show up, probably because of the cold. However, that added significantly to the charm of the event and the experience. It made it feel even more like a close-knit family fun event, even though we didn’t know anybody else there. (Although, as it turned out, we did know one of the photographers! I told him that I would love to do volunteer work with him on photography… We shall see what happens there. Fingers crossed!)

For what I believe was the first – and will quite possibly will be the only – Time in my life, I won first place in my age group. That was really exciting. My mom got second place in her age group. I had told her that I had intended to run the whole thing, and not do it with her, mostly walking and running some. However, she somehow thought that I had changed my mind, and was going to stay with her the whole time. So, when it was my turn to start, and I took off running, she called out to me, with obvious slight annoyance at having been left behind. She wasn’t mad, but she was surprised, and it was actually rather funny. After I finished my 5K, though, as my cooldown, I went and joined her on the course, and I finished her 5K with her. So, we got to spend extra time together on the 5K after all.

After the little awards ceremony, we went back to our little motel and took extremely hot and awesome showers, bundled all up again in clean clothes, and headed out to attend the local Mardi Gras parade. It, too, was a total blast, with close-knit family vibes. I also believe that we each got more beads than we have ever gotten at any Mardi Gras event we have ever attended. We were at the very beginning of the parade, all on our own except for one woman and the emergency workers who were waiting for the end of the parade. We were the first attendees that anybody on a float was getting to see after pulling out onto the road, so just about everyone, with extreme excitement, threw an unnecessary number of beads our way. And it was only a 30-minute parade… from the very first vehicle to the very last, it was only 29 minutes. Then, because we had gone all the way to the start, we were able to leave immediately, and not wait for the parade to reach its end destination. So, we headed to the ferry to go across to Galveston Island, and had breakfast at a spot that we like. (We had a bit of a double-take upon arrival to the restaurant, because there was a whole slew of Mardi-Gras-decorated jeeps, just like had been in the parade on Bolivar. Turns out it was a group doing a Mardi Gras pub-crawl-type-thing with all of their decorated jeeps.)

Then we headed home, I did some preparation for our intense freeze that is coming tomorrow night onward, I went to work, I got to go home early from work, I did a little more preparation for the freeze, and now I am about to pass out hard core. It was a wonderful day, I reached my ideal step goal for a day, I had a great time with my mom, and I am super grateful that my bedroom is warm enough for me to sleep in it tonight. We shall see what happens tomorrow, though. Fingers super crossed that all goes well around that.

Post-a-day 2021

^ It wasn’t too bad this time. I mostly remembered.

Beyond bedtime

Stressed, worried, exhausted. My mom’s energy and enthusiasm for discussing continuously unnecessary details long before they are relevant hasn’t helped. Also, she keeps talking to me, which is the only reason I’m still not in bed, sleeping, despite my efforts to finish my tasks and go to bed over the past THREE AND A HALF hours… I did not finish all my reading scheduled for the day, despite having the time. We did not play a card game with my Vietnamese playing cards. She just kept doing stuff that felt far too irrelevant for the time, yet kept me from accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish.

I know she’s excited and into it all. But I couldn’t not have been in clearer communication about my exhaustion and my intentions for this evening. So, it’s a bit extra frustrating.

Right now, I just want to sleep and then go home whenever I get up. I hope I enjoy the run instead, and then go home. But I’m worried she won’t want to leave, when I’ll be beyond ready to go home… we shall see what happens. Perhaps I will feel much better by morning.

Post-a-day 2021

^ Barely got it… also, happy lunar new year!

Another one checked

I am adjusting better each day to scheduling out and committing myself to getting this work done. I even was able to go spend half the day with my mom today, then tutor over two and a half hours, and am still completing my tasks for the day before bed tonight. I brought my reading with me, and I sat down while at my mom’s and worked on that for a while, when she got busy with other things. Then, I did some extra cleaning up at home, even vacuuming part of my room (despite the fact that most of it has piles of clothes now, I vacuumed the most-used part of the floor), which made a beautiful difference. And getting myself to vacuum is usually rough. This was easy, somehow…. this method is rubbing off in more ways than one already.

I know it sounds so simple, why think anything of it? But this is big for me, and in a very good way. So, I am delighted and excited for my accomplishments there. 🙂

Anyway, got to finish that reading and do my joy check practice and order round! (Getting that stretch in, too!!)

Post-a-day 2021

^Totally got it wrong at first…