Mental health and everyday love

Let’s talk briefly about a mental health oddity slash ironic circle of annoyance.

When I am struggling mentally, and I really just need some regular love from people, I start to reach out to people.

Say that I tell them that I am struggling, and could really use some love right now.

So, they start checking in, asking how I’m doing, and telling me they care about me…

Which is completely annoying and stressful, because 1) I only wanted some regular interaction and friendship love – nothing special or over-the-top emotional – and 2) it only reminds me of the fact that they weren’t interacting with me on the first place, showing me the regular love I so needed.

You see, when I feel the need to reach out for love, it usually doesn’t work to reach out… it, instead, only emphasizes the stress I was already feeling in my experience of being alone and unloved…, the experience that had me want to reach out for help.

And so, instead of asking for help when I am in need, I have, in a way, to trick people into interacting with me.

I’m not looking for any words of, ‘Hannah, you’re amazing,’ or anything of the sort… I’m just looking for those everyday expressions of love that we share with the people in our lives… the people with whom we interact on a regular basis… the kinds of relationships I tend not to find for myself very easily in adult life…

People just don’t with me… they don’t call me just to say hi, they don’t call me first for things, and they typically don’t reach out period… I am the one who reaches out, almost always in my life.

The only person who always checks in regularly with me is my mother.

I had one friend in town who did it, but she’s moved away now, so our lives don’t have our everyday hangout part anymore…, but I don’t blame anyone for that – we just don’t live in the same state anymore.

That one friend and my mom aside, though, I am the one who reaches out almost every single time in any relationship I have, friend or family.

And sometimes, it gets to me… when a whole bunch of other stuff kind of piles on top of one another all at once, the loneliness can hit me really hard… and I know that I need help…, yet asking for help in that case kind of defeats the whole purpose of asking for the help in the first place… thus the annoying circle of downward-spiraling irony…

Whenever someone calls attention to my need for love, be it be staying it directly or by saying how they wondered if I’m okay or if I needed anything, it just makes the whole things worse for me… it’s one area where talking about it doesn’t help, and actually makes things worse for me… it draws out my experience of being pathetic and unloved… it is embarrassing that I have to ask for signs of being loved…

So, I sometimes wonder if there’s a way to ask for help that says, ‘Hey, I need some love, but pretend I didn’t tell you this – pretend you just felt like talking with me, and so reached out to chat about nothing in particular…’

Does that all make sense?

Anyway, so that’s where I am tonight.

I could really use some love… love unsought, but nonetheless much needed.

Post-a-day 2020

Who I am

I am back home now (from my most recent traveling adventures to pursue and be with love and nature), and I am experiencing that odd yet familiar feeling I get whenever I live elsewhere and then come back to Houston… the one where it feels like all that time I spent away didn’t actually happen, and that that much time has my actually passed since I was last here… and that I, therefore, must not have changed in any way…

And, for a brief period of rising intensity of panic, I begin to wonder if I will go back to the person I was before I left, and my time and experiences elsewhere really will be erased from my life.

Then, somehow, I come to, and I take a stand for myself and how proud I am first to have accomplished all that I accomplished and second to be the person I am now.

There is stuff I do not like about being here in particular, and the concerns of ‘going back to how things were’ are real for me right now… I do not want to do that.

And so, I must and I will stand for myself and my goals and dreams in this life, and I will let these baller things sprout and flower in these coming days and weeks and months… and I can hardly wait for this garden I will have produced in the not-so-distant future in my life and in the world around me.

World, here we come. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Homeward Bound

One of my favorite sets of movies when I was a child, it was…

Anyway, I’m headed home in the morning.

Well, in the afternoon, I suppose… I’m packing up in the morning, though, and possibly going to a museum quickly after I do some tutoring, and before I head out.

I’m headed to Dallas area in the morning, and am meeting someone there for a drink or something, and then I’ll be heading home after that, in the later afternoon.

And I might actually be even head to that until almost noon, anyway.

So, I’m headed home at some point tomorrow. 😛

And I’m not opposed to a detour along the way, either… I just need to be able to be in Austin on Monday for hiking.

This time, it will be hot and humid hiking… I likely will miss Madison’s weather greatly. 😛

But that’s okay… the hiking will be lovely, and my skin will be glad to have humidity back in its life… it’s been so dry up north these past few weeks, both in Wisconsin and in OKC.

So… a lot is ready to begin at home… I am almost ready for it to begin… and I am ready to jump on in, anyway. 🙂

This life is beautiful, and this next part of it is likely to be a glorious and fun adventure. 🙂

Here’s to our next steps, y’all: Cheers. 😉

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Wanting more

Always leave them wanting more…

That’s what I’ve heard so much in life.

Today, I heard it in my mind in the context of my departure tomorrow morning from Wisconsin… I didn’t feel ready to leave yet, everything has been going so well.

However, I saw that I would prefer leaving while the going is still good, instead of leaving when it has spoiled…

Interesting to consider…

Because, do we need to do this with all things in life, move on while we’re in the midst of awesome?

Or is it only with the things where we already know that moving on will need to happen?

I shall consider…

Post-a-day 2020

Energizer*

I was planning to get a lot done on my computer while up here… When my brother was working during the day for his job, I was going to make my job be to do a few specific things on my computer, most notably writing, and secondarily photography stuff.

I have done minimal writing, and no photography organizing while up here.

I haven’t even gone through the photos that I’ve done while up here…

I guess, I have just been busy taking advantage of being here versus anywhere else… versus home, mostly.

I have exercised with workouts and with just doing various outdoor activities, and often multiple times a day… today, I spent 18,500 steps on my hike at the park, followed by a Hard workout at the gym… when I only had 3,700 steps Tuesday evening for the day so far, it was because we had gone so hard with the outdoor activities all the long weekend long, and had genuinely had to Take A Break, and just lounge around the house for the day.

We’ve been doing a lot outside, and it has been very good for me.

At first, I was so wiped out from the combo of all my already-present life stresses and the added menstruation, I could barely do anything physical or liking to exercise… I could sit on a stationary bicycle and pedal casually, rolling out my leg muscles both before and afterward…, and that was it.

Since those first few days, however, the menstruation has finished, and the activities outdoors have exploded… energy demands have been high, and energy has been in high supply – aka it has been awesome.

Tomorrow is my last full day here, so I shall sleep now, so that I can actually get up tomorrow(!).

Goodnight, World and world at large!

*Bunny

(Think Duracell…)

P.S. That workout this afternoon was an approximate 600 calories burned, based on the fitness tracker my brother has… just for a frame of reference for these workouts that we do… hashtag not easy. 😛

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Nature days

I’ve been up north for over a week now, and I hadn’t even noticed it.

I had some definitely intense decompressing that happened at the start, and then have begun truly embracing the weather and the nature here in the more recent days.

I had expected to do much more sooner, but I apparently wasn’t ready for it… today, even, I finally woke up after having slept for ten hours (with bathroom breaks, as usual)… clearly, I was still struggling to catch up on my sleep.

But things in my brain have been healing, and my body is beginning to understand the healing, too.

Hopefully, it all is rolling well now – I want to enjoy my time here by doing more than just catch up on sleep, you know? 😛

On a separate note, I might have two spider bites on my back… not sure, but they seem like massive welts from a bite of some sort, but they don’t really hurt… they just sting a tad if I scratch at them.

So, I put some special stuff on them just now, and we’ll see how they are in the morning… fingers crossed that they improve dramatically overnight, and that the rest of my skin stays well and smooth.

Anyway, I’m off to sleep… here’s a small teaser from today’s afternoon activities.

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Whew!

Man, was today a lot(!!!).

We hiked and frisbee-ed, and I photo-ed while they bouldered and swam.

There was intense thinking, visceral activity, and choo-choo breathing, along with a combination of utter terror and extreme, satisfied joy.

And I had a great time being photographer, climbing my own routes to get to the good and various photo angles.

I can hardly wait to share them, these photos… yes, this trip has been very good for me so far… 🙂

Thank you, God.

Please, continue to guide me as I release these restraints I have been carrying, and free myself of these painful fears and stresses in my life… I can do this, and I am grateful for the living opportunity that lies all around me with this present moment.

Thank you for it.

Amen.

Yeah…, today was absolutely exhausting and totally awesome… thank you… 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Pinky

…And The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain…

Loved those guys when I was little.

Tonight, I was talking with my brother (the neuroscience one) about how language and math show up in the brain, specifically grammar and foreign language for the language stuff, and then algebra for the math stuff.

It turns out that, the algebra shows up with lights all over the brain, whenever we do it.

Language understanding and production are from specific, individual areas that interact with one another.

And the functional parts of language (think syntax) actually work more like the algebra does in the brain, with lights all over the place.

And so, it makes perfect sense that languages have seemed to me to be the same thing as algebra – I have always referred to them as math, and in various ways, and that is exactly how I see them in my head.

We even talked about how, algebraically, I personally see sentence structure across the languages.

Basically, we turned my nerdy question into an even nerdier conversation, and it was awesome.

Now, I know that I definitely want to see a brain lighting pattern test of my brain, especially around math and languages and grammar!

Post-a-day 2020

Oklahoma, OK

And so the adventure has begun…

I had a bit of a cry fest this morning, on the phone with my mom, after I asked her to help me clear my mental space, and prepare myself fully for this whole trip.

I couldn’t handle the packing and all, and hadn’t yet started almost any of it, because the sheer volume of what all needed to be done to be gone for three plus weeks was really starting to stress me out… and I had only determined this the day beforehand, and gotten home late that night, after sitting and waiting for hours at one place, and then sitting in absurd traffic that supported the unfortunate and extreme unconsciousness on which our country tends to run, for another couple hours.

And I needs to leave home by 1pm.

So, I was stressed in terms of packing, to say the least.

Add to that my intense stress that has had me feel such an urge and almost-need to take this road trip ok the first place…, and we have some rather intense and almost incomprehensible levels and quantities of stress… it’s no wonder I was asking for help.

But, I used a lot of tissues, and I cleaned out my sinuses really well, and, though my mom went on tangents at times, the clearing really helped me to clear the space for myself, and get to work… and not just get to work, but get to work excited about it all.

And I left well after one… more like 2:35pm…

But I am here.

And I am happy to be here.

And my cousin is happy to have me here.

And I am going to sleep now.

Goodnight. 🙂

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Time to Drive

I will remain present, and I will listen to my true guide, and I will follow through with what the fibers of my being already understand to be my truest path.

This is my intention in the coming days; may I succeed in it beautifully, thereby helping the world around me to be a loving and beautiful place.

God, guide me, please, and keep me safe, that I be happy, healthy, holy… Amen.

Here’s to safe travels these next few days(!): Cheers! 😉

Post-a-day 2020