Month: August 2018

Hot commodity/mess

Have you ever been a hot commodity?

It’s somewhat of a newer experience for me, though, in this particular situation, I’ve been of a similar status for quite a while.

The thing about it is that, it’s wonderful when those I want taking advantage of my presence are there to take advantage, and no one I don’t particularly want taking advantage of my presence gets in the way…

But it never really goes that way, now does it?

When everyone appreciates one’s value, everyone wants to benefit from that value…

And I do give back loads…, but, sometimes, I just want to go out and enjoy myself, and not bother with all of the newer, inexperienced folk expending my energy.

Of course, and then I run the risk of being considered utterly snobby, thinking myself above everyone else.

However, especially recently, I am starting to understand why so many people have given up trying not to seem snobby… it just takes too much effort to care what so many people think when, just every once in a while, they want to have some fun for themselves, not have to have things be a helping-out, volunteer-y time.

Yeah, I get that now… no wonder so many of them seem so stuck-up…

So, while I love having my talent and skills, it’s not always great being a hot commodity, when people’s feelings and opinions are so easily injured.

Those are my thoughts to share for tonight. 🙂

(Good luck with your own hot commodity situations ;))

Post-a-day 2018

Wishes

What do I really wish?

Not just for all of this to be fixed and for things to be clean and perfect and fresh, and for everything in my life to smell good or odorless… as much as a large part of me desires that, something deeper within me wants something more…

This part of me wants to be free of that extreme-desire-slash-necessity altogether… sure, I want things to be clean and perfect and sanitary and beautifully scented (or scent-free)…, but I want that to be just a want, not a near-incapacitating desire.

I want to be free of that need for everything to be so clean.

I wish to be myself, not this brain-trapped version of me.

That’s what I really wish.

Post-a-day

Small town ties

My mother is from a small town in East Texas.

I found out this past week that the mother of this gorgeous-eyed person I recently met is from a neighboring town to my mother’s hometown.

While visiting family for my aunt’s birthday celebration, my mother mentioned that my aunt’s friend at the celebration probably would know that mother, because of where she lives (and who she is).

I only knew the woman’s married name (and her son’s first and last name, of course), but after only a handful of minutes, the friend mentions some possible connections.

After a handful more of minutes, she mentions multiple definite connections to the family, alongside the comment, ‘Oh, this must be the cutie pie with those gorgeous eyes,’ (obviously having done a tad bit of Facebook stalking [but just a tad]).

All the while, the entire house has been discussing various other possible connections to the family, including one that involved her mother or aunt having been my aunt’s teacher.

I might have considered multiple face palms throughout all of this….

…You see, when I find out that someone has a friend from Houston, I usually don’t even ask who it is, because it is beyond unlikely that I know the person…. but, with this, I didn’t even know the woman’s name, and I just might have all sorts of information on her and her siblings (or cousins) and mom (or aunt)…

Small town really is a totally different story from big city.

Post-a-day 2018

No adulting for me, please

I have OCD, and I’m taking supplements to help rebalance out my hormone levels (because a lot of OCD is tied to hormone imbalances), and it had been making a noticeable difference.

But having the OCD still sucks, and some days are just really sucky.

And I mean really, really sucky… like today…, and I just want to have someone who will come take care of me and do everything for me, because I’m already stomach sick, and I don’t want to deal with anything but curling up in bed, and the OCD is panicking because I am sick…, and I just don’t want to deal with any of it (by) myself right now.

Post-a-day 2018

More scared than actually sick

My stomach has ached and I have been consistently nauseous for the past four or five days…

Just about any food – and I mean the idea of it – makes my stomach curl in concern.

I feel as though I am growing paranoid about whether I’ll be able to find the right foods to make this all end, and am thereby making it all worse by being so distraught.

I don’t know how pregnant women do it for weeks at a time, and get through it okay, because it’s only been a few days of nausea for me, and I’m a total pathetic case of wanting someone to take care of me while I curl up in bed, borderline crying. 😛

Post-a-day 2018

Free, at last(?)

Tonight, a very good dancer told me, ‘I love watching you dance… you’re just so… free…’

It was an extreme compliment, coming from a very good dancer, but it also had me wonder why she selected the words she did, specifically “free”.

I’ve never had anyone come up with a reasonable descriptor for describing my dancing, but, the more I think about it, the more her words seem to make sense to me.

I don’t necessarily feel free when I am dancing…

However, I do dance with abandon and I let all rules and judgements just fall away from me, because they have no place in dancing for me (at least, not anymore, though they did for a little while, back in the day).

I don’t even give most concerns a thought, let alone my attention.

So, while I don’t necessarily experience being “free” while dancing, I suppose it can be seen as being similar to the concept of there being a “free from”, a “free of”, and a “free to” in life… different types of freedom to experience.

And my dancing freedom is not so much a ‘free to do as I please’ freedom, as it is a ‘free from constraints’ freedom.

Anyway… thoughts tonight…

Post-a-day 2018

Not enough

Sometimes I wonder why I consider myself ‘not worth it’ for myself…

There are many wonderful meals I could prepare at any time, and yet I almost always wait for company actually to make any of them…

There are loads of beautiful and exciting and wonderful spots to visit in my area, and yet I rarely pursue any of them without an accomplice…

Yes, it is wonderful to share things and experiences with others, the good- and the bad-feeling events…, but why do I never measure up as being worth going to do those wonderful things, to see those things that I want to see in the first place?

I declare confidently to the world that I am worth it, whatever the situation, and yet my actions show that something within me believes that I am only worth it when it comes to other people… never for myself.

But why?

I don’t have an answer or solution… and I’m not sure I need one, either… I just wonder about it sometimes…

Post-a-day 2018

Like a true man

To this day (literally), I still practice the t-shirt uniform stretching technique taught to me by my heterosexual, male cousin, back in the days when he first started sewing.

It’s spectacularly genius, and it never fails to give that perfect uniform stretch and proper shaping.

(Funny how many of those are not words often found together in a sentence about the same person, isn’t it?) 😛

Post-a-day 2018