Today, I went to a dance workshop (a workshop!) as an attendee follower – and I enjoyed it(!).
Once I got over the panic and stress and frustration that had built up and then practically exploded when all the semi-beginner dancers seemed to be waiting to attend the Not-at-all-for-beginners workshop, and I panicked that the competition guidelines for rankings were utterly superfluous nowadays, that is… fortunately, I got over all of that (and the timing was just off from when I understood the workshop to be happening).
And then, tonight, I danced… socially… at a kind of event… for the second time this month…
Total craziness, I know.
But whew…. I did enjoy it.
I am grateful for the opportunity given to me for this dancing today and tonight.
They both reminded me that I can do this, whatever version of this I want to do in regards to dance and my future.
Usually spent with friends in bars or clubs, or at least hanging out at someone’s house or apartment, Friday night is a busy one for adults my age…
And yet, how do I spend it?
Mostly sitting on the floor in the corner of my bedroom, next to my phone (which is plugged into the wall), listening to an audiobook that I can’t seem to stop without immense struggle…
It is that good.
And yet, it is also rather intense and somewhat frightening at times, leaving me slightly paranoid at every sound I hear around me…
But it is oh, so good…
And I have no idea why I prefer an audiobook to going out dancing, especially when I had just said at the gym this evening that I must need to go dancing, since I’ve been dancing around to all the music at the gym lately…, but perhaps it is because I don’t have to put forth any effort for it, but dancing would require social interaction, driving, physical movement in dancing, and then also money…., and reading this book is free of monetary charge….
It takes only my time and my sense of safety and ease. 😛
Anyway…, I’m super tired, so I’m going to sleep now (the only reason I could get myself to turn off the book).
And then I can get up all the earlier to listen to more of the book before going to the gym (I know, I go to the gym a lot these days, but it is part of taking care of myself). 😛
I watched the film “Dances with Wolves” tonight for the first time.
It stressed me out a lot.
It was a really, really well done film…. really…
Kevin Costner is adorably handsome in it.
It hurts my heart that people like the “white men” in the beginning and end still exist today – they are the kinds of people who give me stress whenever I cross them, for I cannot understand their misplaced, narrow viewpoint of the world… and I do not yet know what to do about it – I know something must be done about it, however, if we are to survive as a people on this planet.
Anyway… it is a beautifully done film, and it is very much worth watching… I am glad I finally saw it as an adult, for I think it would have been perceived extremely differently by me as a child, and I want to have had this experience, as an adult watching it for the first time.
And the soundtrack is spectacular, totally worth hearing.
Give it a watch (and listen).
And then, just because it is related through the director and main actor of the film, go look up some of Kevin Costner’s music – he has a band, and they perform together, and the music is wonderful… that man had spirit worth sharing with the world, and I am grateful that he shares it with us.
I really enjoyed it, and it made me want to do loads and loads more, and kind of right now.
Something about painting feels addicting – the everything about it, really – and I love it.
My mom was attending a workshop demonstration, and I went to watch and learn the technique, but there were extra spots available, so I even got to participate.
Then, I took home our leftover paint bits, and used them as the first part of the bedsheet I am painting with mixed splatterings of color for a photography backdrop.
On that note, my mom has figured out what to get to make my frame (because I did my measurements this morning) for a backdrop in my sort of pop-up photography studio.
I told her that I want to do photos either next week or the week after, so we need to kick things into gear two or three at this point, and we have.
So, she’s getting the frame stuff hopefully tomorrow.
I’ve asked the model for her schedule in general and on the desired week.
And I even made a Facebook page for my photography, in addition to the Instagram page I already have for it.
I don’t love the Facebook page yet, but it exists and it isn’t bad… shown here.
All of this has arisen out of a visit with a good friend of mine last night at the party.
It lights me up, and I had forgotten that, so I am extremely grateful to our conversations last night. ❤
(Although, I dare say I am not yet convinced of her other ideas and recommendations regarding my [non]dating life and my next steps… we’ll have to see on that one…) 😛
On a separate note, I lived a short time in a little town in southern Germany several years ago.
I was looking up someone this morning who lives there, checking out his company for which he had given me a card at one point, and which I crossed today.
Tonight, as I see the Instagram story of an old student, I see a photo that looks crazy-familiar to me… I click to see the video that is freeze-framed, and recognize the place even more still… I feel like I know not just the town but the little park area where this video is taking place…
I check, and the location is the right little city – hoorah!… I’m a genius, as we all know!
I then go check some photos of mine and – duh du-du duhhhh – it is exACTly the spot I was thinking…. I even have photos of the same buildings.
Isn’t that nuts?!
Super cool, though.
I love things like that happening.
I remember once talking with a pair of people who were recent visitors of Rome, and one shows the other a photo in front of Trevi Fountain, at which point the other pulls out his phone to show the same lady in the background of his photo as who was in her photo – they had been there at the same time, and had the same woman in the background of their photos from different angles.
They, of course, hadn’t known each other at the time, and so wouldn’t have noticed to greet one another, and therefore did not notice one another.
Anyway, fun stuff, right?
One other thing I want to note about conversations from last night:
When discussing the whole recent conversations with a girlfriend and guy regarding physical comfort and confidence (see here), I was mentioning how the guy had said that I needed to worry less about what other people think, as part of sharing the conversation.
At this point, however, a friend across the room cut in, “Okay, wo-wo-wo-woah…. someone said You need to stop caring so much about what people think??…..”
“Mmhmm,” I start to reply, but she continues over me, addressing me and the room at large.
“Does he know you, like, at all??… I don’t think I know anyone who cares less about what other people think than Hannah…”
The other friends in the room give their agreement confidently, and we all begin popcorning smiles and laughter around the room as people give further comments and repeat what the guy had told me, amazed.
I hadn’t thought much about it, but I definitely see her point – I really don’t care much about what other people think of me.
I do care, but only so much, and that ‘so much’ is a whole lot less than the average person’s level of concern for what other people think of him/her.
For the most part, I worry only in the situations that could directly affect me, like avoiding doing something that would have my boss/superiors wanting to fire me, or something like that…. and my only other sensitive area is specifically making sure my body doesn’t come across as displaying the message, ‘Do me now, oh, baby, oh, baby.’
Because, unfortunately, that one can result in actually dangerous situations…, so as I’ve mentioned before, I care about my own safety, and therefore will care accordingly about how people perceive me…
Otherwise, though, it’s laughable how often I do things that most people would avoid for fear of what others might think.
Anyway…., goodnight fair World.
I am off to sleep for an early, early rising tomorrow.
This evening was an extended family evening, and a rather wonderful time.
There was chatter, discussion, story-telling, and lots of laughter.
At one point, one of my cousins, G—, shared this delightful story with us, and I knew immediately that I just had to write about it, because it was well worth sharing with the world.
She and her husband have two little girls, approximately aged four years and two years, and then a baby boy aged almost ten weeks.
Her husband, C—, was changing the diaper of the baby boy, and A—, the eldest girl, was observing.
A: Daddy, what’s that?!
C: Uh, well, it’s a penis… it’s because he is a boy… he is a boy, so he has a penis… that’s what makes him a boy, instead of a girl…
A:……. But Daddy, you’re a boy and you don’t have a penis….
C:… Actually, yes, I do have a penis…
Conclusion from my cousin telling the story: Emasculated by a four-year-old. 😂
Afterward, my grandma commented that she thought it was such a shame that no one was documenting this sort of thing, – I had already determined that I was definitely writing about it tonight, but I didn’t mention anything about it – and my aunt said that the point was people telling one another stories…
My grandma was worried that the stories get lost, you see, and so my mom leaned over the counter, and starter scribbling with an imaginary pen into an imaginary book, saying aloud, “August 2, 2019: Today, we learned that C— has no penis.”
My uncle, whose son-in-law C— is, and who genuinely likes C—, nearly cried himself out of his chair, he laughed so hard at that – I mean, we all laughed rather hard, but he practically exploded with his laugher.
It was a very good little time tonight. 🙂
Thank you, God, for this blessing.
Note: Yes, yes, I know gender stuff is all up and about right now, however, I am not letting it disturb the hilarity of this particular stupendous father-daughter exchange – the story is not meant to offend in any way; it is merely something that happened that I find wonderful and worth sharing.
P.S. It occurred to me that, while I still am not there with the solo dancing I want to teach in prisons, I am at the very edge of receiving my yoga teacher certification, – a type of yoga that uses lots of meditation and mantra and healing exercises – and I could look into teaching that in prisons… something also incredibly beautiful and powerful and potentially extremely beneficial to those living in prison, especially as part of their preparation to move back into the world outside of prison… So, yeah… I’m suddenly rather inspired to get that certification finished ASAP.
P.P.S. And then, that had me thinking that I might somehow get the opportunity to do portraits of people in prison…. and that could be a beautiful project, be it for their future work portraits or for a neat project of sharing about prisons with the world… yeah… that’s gonna stay on the side in my mind, ready for when the time is right to act on it… definitely… 🙂
You know that exhausted state of delirium where, though it seems like you can process things quite properly, whatever the present topic, you suddenly find yourself standing in the middle of your room, wondering what on Earth you’re doing, and why youare standing pantless andwhy you still haven’t showered, so you can actually get into bed and go to sleep?
Yeah… exactly… this is my life right this moment… 😛
But it was a quite decent night of dancing + socializing… it was good for me on a few different levels… now sleep would be good for me on every level….
Goodnight… if I can get myself to remember what to do, once I eventually get myself into the shower, that is.
See, even this is hilarious to me, and I understand it quite clearly…, but I still can’t seem to get my body to figure out a good enough reason actually to move locations in a beneficial way to getting me closer to bed… humpf…
The music is playing on my head again… the music from our routine, I mean…
Is it because I want to do the routine?…, because I want to be that clean (in my dancing)?…, because I want to be the professional I know it would lead to being in the dance world?…, or because I want that body shaping I had at the time?…
In the past, it was all about the first several reasons, but I think it is, this time, about the final reason: the body.
I watch videos from then, and I am surprised at how slim my legs are, how flat my belly is… and that surprise really drives home how unfit I had become in the past couple years.
I get it, though – a lot of stress in a certain kind of way can do this to me, especially with how I was emotionally and psychologically until this calendar year.
Now, however, I want to be done with it all, and move forward as the person I want to be, physical body and all.
We’ve been doing this exercise for two months, now… I was worried to look at a scale, because it doesn’t feel like the fat has been rolling off or anything… and I didn’t want to imagine I had been as bad off as I would have had to have been, if it has been rolling off, and this is how I look right now… (hope you understood that)…
I have so much muscle showing up, it’s almost funny…, but then it’s also a bit sad that the only thing left to complete the visual picture is food – the food I have done a terrible job at managing these past several months with my in-and-out circumstances with my home (which continued with a sudden water issue that kicked me out again last night, after having had only five days back at home since the last necessary departure)… so, in a way, I’m not fit yet, because I don’t have a stable home…
How crazy an idea is that?… really makes me wonder about people who generally have no stable homes… hmm… it’s so dreadful, even knowing that I have somewhere I could stay (most of the time, anyway)…, I can only imagine not having that, and trying to be healthy… even good emotional health would be troublesome to come by at that point, I think… man…
Anyway… so I’m back at home again, and I’m clearing out things, cleaning up and tidying, slowly taking on the KonMari lifestyle for realz – I want this, and it definitely feels like the world has been asking me to do it lately… perhaps a crazy and spectacular move is in the mix in the near future, and this has all been necessary to prepare me for it… only those in the know know, and I do not seem to be one at the present time… if only future self could hand me some words of wisdom. 😛
Actually, perhaps this clearing out is due to inspirational words of wisdom from my future self… we shall see what comes, I guess, and that is all we can do about the future, really.
And so I will make way for what is to come, and I will be better prepared in doing so than if I had stayed unaltered … for life is change, and nothing is ever stagnantly the same, so let us change willingly and wholly with life, embracing it as we go… that’s my present intention, anyway. 🙂