Goggins, eh?

It seems that David Goggins is incorporated deeply into my life at this point in time. And I haven’t even finished the book. And I haven’t even done much differently than before I started the book.

He comes up in conversation just about every day, it seems. And I’m not even trying. I’m surprised every time that he’s come up again in a conversation in my daily life not at the gym.

I think I have had such an easy connection with him, because I can relate to much of his mindset. No, I haven’t had the extreme struggles that he has had in life. I haven’t attempted the crazy difficult physical and mental feats that he has. But I use a similar foundational view of my own struggles and physical ontakings, and I feel a certain sense of camaraderie with him because of that. It is as though we have known each other for years and years, at this point, such that it feels like a piece of him is almost always with me. Especially when I’m looking at something that other might consider ridiculous – he is right there with me.

And I love it and am grateful for it.

And I’ve never even met or seen the man in person, or heard his voice. I’ve only seen the cover of the book online, which has a photo of him, and the cover of another book that has the side of his face, as well as the kindle-d occasional black and white photos within the book.

And yet he seems to get me so well, we must be long-time buddies.

And I love that. That is a powerful book.

And I haven’t even finished it yet…

Post-a-day 2021

Wow

It’s funny how, when we are comfortable and confident enough just to speak openly about the things that matter to us, even when one of them might typically be considered as out of place within the current setting, those things end up being exactly what was needed to be said; those things end up being something that gives value beyond expectation to both the conversation and the relationship between those involved in said conversation.

And it’s funny how often I forget that all, and how I am alway at least a little bit surprised whenever it happens.

But it happened twice today, and beautifully so.

In the morning, I shared comfortably about my current menstruation status, and then the conversation turned into my sharing all about how accurate testing body temperature can be for knowing what is going on within a woman’s cycle…, and then I sent a whole link of information on it all to the person after the conversation, because, as it turns out, she has quite irregular cycles and is currently working towards becoming pregnant. Aka my comfort in sharing openly 1) allowed and empowered her to share openly, too, and 2) created a beautiful connection of tools for her current and future endeavors regarding something extremely important to her and her life.

Later today, after a hesitational moment to consider that I truly wanted to proceed with my next idea and comments, I ended up discovering a crazy and fun connection between me and another person at work. And then, through that connection, we found another connection, deep and intense, as I continued to share openly and comfortably and confidently. And then, once more. And it was awesome.

And that I was so entirely comfortable in all of it was awesome. I didn’t even hesitate by the time we got to the last part. It was so easy, I didn’t even have to think about whether it was safe to share about my experience of abuse, or whether it was worth sharing or whatever – I just automatically knew that it was, because of the previous connection in the conversation.

And now the two of us experience one another in an wholly new and positive and loving way. And it was completely worth the risk of sharing that atypical sharing. Totally worth the risk…

Post-a-day 2021

Ouch…

But seriously, who invented all the nonsense that goes alongside menstruation? Utter nonsense… ::facepalm

Anyway, this weekend, I saw the wife of someone I know. Though I had seen the husband many, many times, I had not seen the wife until this Saturday.

When I first saw her, it took a few moments to process fully what I was seeing. Then it took another few moments to allow for my initial reactions. And another few to crave indulging in them. And a final few to allow them just to be, and then, therefore, to release. Rather than being upset by what I saw, I knew I could have it be a positive experience – even if it took some effort.

“Body goals,” I told myself, letting it fall heavily from my lips, the initial sigh thereby dispersed. Music was playing loudly at the gym, so I had no overhearing ears. I really only could feel the words vibrate through my body, as it wasn’t loud enough for my own ears to hear over the music.

But I felt it… and in more ways than one.

After that, I kept going back and forth between awe at how amazing she was physically, and wanting to break down crying at how far away I am from that right now.

I knew pitying myself was neither necessary nor valuable, so I always let that one go. But that didn’t stop it from co to hint to pop up at intervals throughout the whole day afterward, and even the following day somewhat.

As a friend reminded me later, the wife probably wasn’t like that when they got married, and it probably took her years to get to that point. Same for the husband. (Though, he was always less intimidating or whatever, because he’s male, I suppose.) It wasn’t an overnight process for either of them, and they probably weren’t already like that when they first met one another or even got married.

That idea gives me hope… that I can find someone who is fit beautifully already and who values my own work thus far, but who will continue to grow with me and thereby support and empower me o to further-enhanced fitness throughout our future. I would continue this same road, but no longer on my own. I’d have a true partner in crime for it all. (So to speak, that is… haha)

Anyway,… there’s that ouch and the menstruation and resulting digestion ouch, and the utter exhaustion that they and all the other stress have brought for this evening.

Alas, I shall now go sleep… with an alarm every two-ish hours, of course, to use the bathroom. ::facepalm I swear…, whoever made up this nonsense must have been severely out of his wits at the time… Man

Post-a-day 2021

Loving from afar?

I wonder how often people think about me without my knowledge.

Not from a vanity point, but from a wondering one.

You see, I regularly think of many people I’ve known throughout my life – for their birthdays, their favorites foods, frequent comments, even locations where I have memories with them… I think of these people all throughout my year. And yet I rarely reach out to them to tell them of this, of how I think about them, am reminded of them… I think I feel that they somehow would reject me, reject this small form of love, likely due to some fear of their own. And so, rather than risk that casual dismissal of my sharing love towards them, I love them from a distance, and keep it for myself.

But it makes me wonder, now, if there are other people who might do the same with me, who might think regularly of me, and just not reach out.

Post-a-day 2021

What’s next…

I’ve been having these odd yet familiar pulls lately – familiar, because I know them well, yet odd, because they are pulling toward something that seems atypical for me and my life.

And yet, so much of my life is atypical that why not this direction, after all?? Right??

I have off and on been thinking about the government, and how two very important people in my life have suggested to me to pursue the same governmental position, though the two do not know each other, and have very different jobs from one another.

But it keeps coming to mind lately, of its own accord, this idea of working for the government…, and something still feels off about that specific position…, but not about the government part…, which is super odd.

Dave Goggins’s book has been sparking some major things within me lately. Then, I find out that my sister works for the Air Force, and I hadn’t even known she’d changed jobs (though, she worked for the Army a long time ago). A man entered the store the other day in full Army uniform, and the whole interaction was adorable and sweet (Another customer wouldn’t let him buy his own things, and purchased them for the man, who was humbled and surprised by it, repeating to the last that the other ‘didn’t have to do that.’).

Then, today, my brother and I were on a customer feedback call for this amazing watch company. I hadn’t even known until the call that it had a military connection as a company. And then I found a military special and limited edition watch they made for Veterans Day this past Fall (which my brother might get for himself to test out the watch)… and tonight, someone who works for the government told me directly that she believes I would be a great asset in a specific branch of the government… that she could really see me doing that…

I have never felt a direct call to joining the military, but I have always felt an odd sort of affinity-slash-terror for it. And I have, especially lately, been drawn to much of their training.

Perhaps this woman tonight might have the right of it… perhaps I really am a sort of in-between person for it all, and I might just love serving the world around me in a specific governmental position…

And perhaps not. But I will not know unless I step forward into it all and give it a go. Perhaps it is only a short-term thing for me. Perhaps it is a part-time thing. Perhaps it is a never thing. We certainly shall see.

I am somewhat terrified at that prospect, though. And I think that is a very good thing.

Post-a-day 2021

Discoveries

Yup. As expected from years ago, reading the Shopaholic books, I love personal styling/shopping and fit sessions.

I took my sister into a store today, knowing all the details of all the stuff, and had a blast pulling things for her to try and test, and helping her find exactly what she would love using and what would support her needs. It was awesome.

It has me wonder even more so, if there could be something further with that idea of empowering people to be their best selves… work wise, I mean. That is good for my thought for the next while, I do believe. It was touching here and there for a while, but this might be the night hat it upgrades in my mind for deeper perusal and consideration.

A world full of people being their best selves would be a spectacular place to live.

Post-a-day 2021

No faking it

At the gym yesterday morning, a fellow gym-goer asked me how I was doing. I always consider the answer to such an inquiry fully before answering, and so I told him with a shrug that I was, ‘alright.” After a few beats of silent, accepting nods from him and the other guy with us, he commented on my honesty, and that it was clear that I was being honest.

We all kind of chuckled at that, as I said that things were going just alright, and I wasn’t going to lie. The other guy said that he wouldn’t have been honest about it, if things were going well for him. The first guy totally agreed, as we all laughed, adding that he would have even said “good,” but that he would have said things were going “great,” if he’d been asked and things were going crappily at the time. We all were laughing at that.

“I will always be honest,” I told them. If you ask me, I will answer honestly.

And then we started talking about the workout I had just done and that they were about to do. Of course, I discussed it honestly. 😛

This is likely to be one of those incidents that sticks with me for a long time. It is extremely valuable to me. I was 100% myself, with no struggles or worries, and with no stories. And, though we all acknowledged in the moment that my behavior was abnormal, it wasn’t a bad thing and it wasn’t shoved away. It was embraced, despite the fact that those embracing it would not have done it themselves. And nobody shoved anything under the rug. We all just acknowledged what was so, accepted one another as we are, and thereby showed true love. And I love that kind of love.

I look forward to more and more of such opportunities and experiences in my life as that one was.

Post-a-day 2021

Meanderings in my mind

I still have a Christmas tree up on my wall. It doesn’t even occur to me most days that it would have a reason to come down – it merely is part of my regular lighting in my room. It is in my illumination setup. It just also happens to be a Christmas tree… 😛

Okay, on a totally separate note – although tangentially connected via the cold weather of Christmastime, and holiday cheer, and desire to snuggle up to a loved one with that hot chocolate and film and all – I keep finding myself in an odd space lately. On any given day now, it seems, at some point or other, I find myself passively wondering whether I’m hungry, and my body wants and needs food, or if it just wants sex. On most of those occasions, now, unfortunately, I end up eating, only to discover that it was actually both.

Total facepalm…

Dear body, what are we doing to one another?? And what are we to do??

Big siiiggggghhhhhhhhh… we shall prevail.

Until then, however, I’ve got to sort some s*** out, so that I get myself out of this funk of rolling through each day, only by looking forward to something down the road; no longer present or joyful in the here and now, but simply biding my time until the ‘something better’ happens at last. I want to live now, where and who and how I am. So, it’s time to let go of some attitudes and avoidances, Hannah Banana, and Goggins this s*** out, and Oh, shit myself back on the log.(!!!)

P.S. If you don’t get the reference, it is to David Goggins. I am currently reading his book, and am loving it and the ways I am taking it on in my life so far.

Post-a-day 2021

Seen

I spent most of my life thinking that I was very, very normal, to the point of being boring as a whole and, therefore, worth skipping over and not noticing. I felt that – and this was without disdain of any sort – people just didn’t much notice me. Whenever someone, out of context and years later, would recognize me, I would be surprised. I always recognized everyone else, but I somehow never expected people to recognize me… I hadn’t expected them to notice me in the first place, let alone remember me. And I hadn’t even consciously done that. It wasn’t even until recent years that I began to take note of that’s happening and explored it further.

Thinking tonight, however, about how wearing a halter top tuxedo to my senior prom, with matching bow ties for my boyfriend and me, was surprising to someone, I realized that it really was not very normal. upon further consideration, l discovered that a whole darn lot of what I did growing up – and still do now – was not and is not normal. I am truly far from normal, but not only recently in life. I have decades of evidence of my not being normal.

But I always thought I was. Normal, boring… that’s how I saw myself in the eyes of others. But I think it was because I wasn’t the first one picked for things; I wasn’t a choir officer, no matter how much I wanted it; I wasn’t the one performing three times in the talent show for the school every year… in short, I wasn’t the most noticed and most praised, and so, by comparison, I felt nearly invisible, not worth being seen. And I never pitied myself for it. I just accepted that that was how it was, though I forever yearned to be more like those others, those rose girls…

By senior year of high school, I was on the tv announcements roughly once a week; I was a leading senior in band and symphony orchestra; I helped with the school musical; I was in loads of clubs and groups; and I danced, mostly unprepared, with one friend in front of all 800 students (plus faculty and staff) for a talent appreciation day. And yet, it still surprised me when people who weren’t my immediate friends would remember me at any point after high school. I had still seen myself as unseen, and being below the level of worthiness involved in being noticed and known.

I have been working actively on that these past couple or few years, now. I am worth being seen – by an absurd amount. I am a gloriously beautiful child of God and expression of creativity of the Creator. See me. Love me. Join me.

I still have moments of surprise at someone’s remembering me, having noticed me. And I use those moments to check in on where I stand now, how I show up in the world now. I take the opportunity to reaffirm my chosen place in the world now, and release the old one that much more. I hide no more. I am here, and I am proud to be exactly who and how I am. And gratitude fills me for it all.

Post-a-day 2021

Ready, go!

I was nervous about sparring.

Extremely nervous.

I was actually shaking while I waited for my turn. So, I kept breathing consciously deep.

When I began sparring, I destroyed.

Both of my classmates, I utterly destroyed. Yes, the first got in a few points – we were doing practice, so there was no stopping just because a point was made – and the second finally did, when I purposely slowed up on him. And the third opponent was the main instructor. She definitely got me several times, but I was right there with her, getting point after point against her.

In my second one, I initially just went for it. When, however, my opponent’s splotchy face caught my eye, and I saw tears brimming, I found that I all too clearly could relate. I was, basically, pummeling him. Just as we were told to do, I gave combination after combination. And almost every strike hit home. In his first bout, he and his opponent had rather fooled around, hadn’t maintained stances, and hadn’t done almost any combinations, despite the real-time encouragement from both instructors. (The lead is his mother.) I was matched with him, I believe, to help teach him a lesson.

And he learned it hard. No, the locks and punches were not hard. Just the lesson was. When I saw his brimming tears, I knew the lesson had settled. I calmed my attack, gave him some words of encouragement to, ‘Come on,’ and allowed him some breathing time and space between my attacks. He eventually rallied himself and got there, landing a few points with his combinations and my relaxed defense.

I patted him on the back and shook his shoulders after we finished. We both knew exactly what had just happened a all of it. He knew I had seen him crying. He knew I had let up. And he knew I had wanted him to figure it out and get it right.

And we necessarily had bonded over it.

It was really cool. And I was certainly grateful to be on the other end of such an encounter for once – so many times have I been in that intense space of frustration and tears. I imagine I likely will be back there again at some point, if not many points in my future. For this time, though, I am grateful that I was able to help the person on that end, to encourage and empower him, and to remind him that, despite his frustration, he has enough to offer and he can do it.

Nonetheless, it’s still a bit silly: I made a kid cry. 😛

When I sparred with the instructor, I was ready to be the one not as prepared. And I took it on comfortably and with gratitude for the opportunity to spar against one who is much more experienced than I am. And, I believe, it is because I maintained that calm comfort that I was able to do so well against her.

A lot seems to be amiss in my life right now. This is not one of those things. For whatever reason, karate is exactly where I need to be right now.

Thank you, God and Cosmos.

P.S. Happy Earth Day, folks!! ❤

Post-a-day 2021