Sleepy time? Hardly

I feel like some people are just destined to sleep early at night, and some to sleep late at night.

I am one of the latter.

Tonight, as a fifth-day support – for I have had now five days in a row that have ended similarly late, though without previous expectation, and each with a different, outside-of-myself reason for it – for this belief, I spent three-ish hours (more than that, actually) on the phone with an old friend, who had reached out, somewhat out of the blue, in desire to talk for a while, despite the late hour.

Now, here I am, even later than the other nights, finally going to sleep just before three in the morning, even though I was prepping for bed at nine something this evening. ūüėõ

I’m just destined to get to sleep late at night, it seems.

Post-a-day 2018

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Let go, and let God

In times of trouble, remember your mantras…

Today, mine is:

Your grace is enough for me

Mine is a life truly blessed, and I aim to remember that and to have it be present through all of the struggles… especially when I am afraid to let go and let God…

Post-a-day 2018

Self-expression followed by rejection?

Have you ever truly put yourself out there, honestly and in the open, and then been rejected? ¬†I have, and in many situations and circumstances. ¬†However, as much as it hurts to receive that rejection – and, believe me, it¬†really hurts, because that is the best of and the truest of me that is being rejected – it is always somewhat of a good thing. ¬†A really good thing, actually, because, you see, if that situation, or those people, or whatever, rejects who I truly am, rejects the inner and outer¬†me, then I find it best that I not be around them – that is clearly not the place for me. ¬†And so, despite the pain, it is always relieving and good for me, because, as important as it is to find where I belong in this world, where I am nourished and where I nourish my surroundings in return, it is equally important not to be where I don’t have that. ¬†So, the pain is a good thing, after all.

I guess I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, though I hadn’t really noticed it until just now. ¬†I’m preparing for something, something I plan to have happen soon, and I can see that I am afraid of it, because of how people might respond to it, how they might reject me (or, as is incredibly likely, and already common for me, anyway, so I’m not sure why I’m even worried about this part in the first place, misunderstand me). ¬†But, just as I’ve shared here, I suppose it is actually a good thing. ¬†I need not put it off for fear – if I will be rejected for that piece of my self-expression, even if it is someone misunderstanding that piece of my self-expression, then perhaps it is best for me to have that happen sooner, rather than later, so that I can create the space to be surrounded by the people and the world that are good for me and for whom I am good. ¬†My waiting around for this serves no one, it seems, and my going ahead with it actually has potential benefits for many. ¬†Huh… wow.

Post-a-day 2018

Word fun

Things I heard or said today that delighted me:

‘Where’s my phone?’
‘In the pantry.’

‘I was his chef. ¬†I don’t know if he ever ate anything I made him […]’

‘What are you looking for?’
‘A can opener(!),’ she responds, searching hurriedly through drawers.
‘…Is there a specific reason you don’t want to use the pull tabs?’
Regards tops of easy-open cans, ‘…I am just so tired.’

Post-a-day 2018

Smells of me

It’s funny to me, the things that make me feel so comfortable, so at ease, that it feels like everything is okay and is going to be okay. ¬†Tonight, not for the first time since I have returned to living in Houston, someone told me, “You still smell the same,” and followed up my question about it with, “You still smell like you.” ¬†And this is a comment I’ve had from lots of people over the years. ¬†I have a very distinct smell. ¬†It’s mostly just my deodorant and essential oils and oil blends that I use for various things in my life, but there is something special-feeling about the fact that people associate those smells with me. ¬†It is as though one of my favorite parts of me and my life is something that people not only notice, but usually really like. ¬†And, most of all, they remember it. ¬†That to me is special, and I¬†so love having it happen, it makes me feel whole and complete in the present moment… even though I have no idea what is next for me in life, and even though I’m not too glad or proud of where things stand for me in my life in this moment, people still remember and love me.

Post-a-day 2018

Atlas Shrugged (and so do I)

Have you ever read it,¬†Atlas Shrugged? ¬†I am listening to the audiobook while driving, and I am finding it oddly wonderful. ¬†Occasionally, I want to jot down sentence after sentence from it, and then just give up the idea, realizing that I might as well just tell people to¬†read the whole book, because there are only five million quotes worth sharing from it. ¬†Obviously, that is exaggerated. ¬†However, I gave up bothering to write down anything from it, because before I can even pause the book to write down what I’d just heard, I’ve already heard something¬†else, something additional, that I now¬†also want to write down. ¬†And that goes on for quite a while, such that I would be pausing the book far too much to be able to stay¬†in the book. ¬†So, I don’t copy any of them down, and I don’t even bother working on remembering them either, there are so many of them. ¬†I just listen and absorb and enjoy and wonder. ¬†I have no idea what this book is about. ¬†I had ideas related to something from the era of Fahrenheit 451 and the other Orwell future-is-a-terrible-place sorts of novels, but I don’t know where I got the idea – I genuinely knew nothing but the title of the book before I began reading it just last week.

But I like it so far. ¬†It has me ever on my toes, and the reader is wonderful with making everything seem important and worth hearing. ¬†I feel like I’m in a spy novel of some sort, but, instead of its being about a murder of some sort, it is about life as a whole, and we are spying on life as a concept, and examining each little piece and evaluating it as though it were unique and brand new to us. ¬†All this with a love of a railroad company taking the driver’s seat, and being good at whatever work one does in the passenger seat.

Post-a-day 2018