Playing love, not fair

Have you ever come back to something from the past, mostly in a casual comment during a casual conversation, and discovered with surprise that not only are you not over the event but you are actually rather furious about it still? I had that happen tonight while showering. I was considering my struggle to do a workout today, and the friend who helps keep me accountable by my sending her the workouts whenever I finish them. I was imagining a conversation with her, sorting out why I struggle so much to make myself exercise right now, on my own, and determining what was at stake for me, why I want so badly to be so super fit. My motivation, it turns out, has been something along the lines of ‘I’ll show him,’ regarding a guy who judged me strongly, prematurely, and quite unfairly… which, I dare say, even without my recent struggles to exercise easily, I know is not a good enough motivation. I don’t want to have to be that way with anyone. And I don’t want to do things for someone else’s sake, when they really are for my sake. I want to be beautifully fit for me, not for anyone else. Yes, I want others to benefit from my fitness and also the physical beauty of that fitness. No, that is not the reason I want to be fit. And yes, people are granted an opportunity to see what they themselves do not have by not being in a relationship with me, when I am very fit and healthy and well. But none of it matters if I am not happy, myself. And I know I won’t be fit, if I am not happy. And I know being fit for revenge of sorts is no motivator for me – it is mean, shallow, and an easy escape. Rather than deal with any issue at hand for myself, I throw something like revenge out? Not hardly… I know to my deepest core that such an act is not for me, and does not serve me in even the least bit – it only harms and hurts me in the long run, as well as the daily.

And so, I now am re-evaluating two things.

1) What do I need to do to heal and to free myself from the stress regarding this guy who was unfair toward me?

2) What is my true motivation for being fit – why do I actually want what level of fitness?

Those are my tasks for the present, and I look forward with delight to their solutions, but slight fear to the tears I know must be shed to reach such solutions.

Here goes…

Post-a-day 2020

So much for fair…

Can I just say that it sometimes feels totally unfair that certain boys end up having the bodies of men (and girls, the bodies of women) when they are still in the slightly awkward phase of semi-idiocy that is high school?

There they are, prime adult physique, the epitome of evolution doing its darndest to make sure the species continues onward in the world, surrounded by various stages of true boyhood and immaturity, that being physical, psychological, and mental immaturity….. and yet, they look to all onlookers to be men…., ready to stand for a modern Michelangelo or Botticelli…

And, usually, they have no idea the effect they can have on other people.

Sure, some, unfortunately, are harassed by the worst of breeding, and therefore have a sense of something being askew… but, for the most part, they tend only to think of themselves as doing well, as being blessed with good genes and a good bodily development.

The fact that their minds are so far behind makes it hard on the adults around them, and the fact that their bodies are so far ahead makes it hard on the youth around them.

They also, somehow, serve as not so much a reminder, but as a calling out of the fact that so many men these days are not maintaining and hosting such healthy bodies as these man-boys (and the same with women and the woman-girls)… the prime of the physical body is arriving so soon, and lost before they are even fully developed in the brain, it sometimes feels… (for the average, anyway)…

In a way, it is a blessing.

And, in a way, it kind of totally sucks to have to be around…

Anyway…, just some thoughts for tonight.

Sweet dreams, World! 😉

Post-a-day 2019