That guy

Sure, he’s attractive.

But, after all these years, why have we never dated, you want to know?

Because too many of his actions are consistent with ones that would belong to a description of someone defined by our culture as “a douche”.

That’s why.

Post-a-day 2018

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Now That is one attractive man…

People always talk about their type, like in dating.

I’ve never really had a definitive type of my own, though I’ve tried really hard to find it.

However, I’ve discovered a pattern as I’ve thought it through this past year and a half.

The more I travel and learn about other cultures, the more diverse my likes become, not just in things but in people and in partners, too.

The only commonality, it seems, is that they are all human and they all have great teeth… otherwise, the differences abound. 🙂

So, I guess a lot more of our taste in partners than I’d ever expected really does have to do with nurture, and not just nature.

Post-a-day 2018

Middle School Men

I used to fake a friend’s name in middle school.  I did.  To clarify, I faked his name in writing.  I didn’t know how it was spelled, and I never worked up a way to find out (and to remember) how to write it.

Traditionally, I always wrote people’s names clearly.  Sure, my handwriting was sloppy and small and almost always in cursive.  However, I took the time to write people’s names, oftentimes in print, and much better than my standard note-taking, squinty script.  So, when it came to this one friend’s name, I faked a sloppiness that was not my own.

See, regularly, when he wrote his own name, he connected the last two letters together somewhat, making it unclear as to whether it was a hurried -an or -on at the end of his name.  It was a somewhat irregular name, and so I had no basis for comparison.  Plus, the pronunciation didn’t help – there were plenty of foreign-like names that had an -an sound like a US English -on.  (Take Han Solo for example.)  To top it off, the first note he gave me, whenever he signed his name, I couldn’t tell which way his name was spelled.  And, since I saw it that way first, that was what stuck.

I had heard how people spelled his name wrong all the time, and I had seen it spelled by others both ways.  I was not about to make that same mistake.  Therefore, I just threw in a stab of – and I say stab casually, but it truly was painful for me – sloppiness whenever I wrote his name in particular, and no one ever had to find out.

(Until now, of course, but that is beside the point.  These sorts of things mattered among young people learning to become friends in middle school.)

It was kind of funny, really, remembering all of this tonight.  It all came to me, because of something similar about slightly illegible writing, but, because it was from middle school, I ended up with the song “sk8r boi” by Avril Lavigne in my head (a middle school hit).  As I thought about the song, I happened to notice how my middle school was somewhat the reverse of the “sk8r boi” scenario.  The nerd-esque boy in the ever-present UT jacket that seemed to conceal any shirt he ever wore – oops… I digress – now, he seemed to want me (and everyone knew it).  I semi-wanted him, but I declined because he was not the cool kid, so to speak; he didn’t have the skater boy edge to go along with his book brains.  (I didn’t actually like the skater boys at my school either, but my brothers roller skated and skate boarded a little, and their general coolness was my standard for what was needed in a desirable guy [and still is], in addition to brains.)

I somewhat cared about what all my friends thought about him, but that totally wasn’t my reasoning.  I just didn’t actually have a crush on the guy.  We were classmates, and I had a blast going back and forth in contest with him over having the highest grade in class (math class for sure, I remember).  But he didn’t have what I desired – he was just a half package, so to speak, not the whole thing.  Come to think of it, that’s how I’ve felt about most any guy I’ve known.  Perhaps that’s part of why I’ve never really been in any kind of dating relationship – I’m only looking for the whole package.  Anything less is fine for a friend or acquaintance, but not for dating.

huh… not quite where I expected this thought line to go tonight… 😛

Post-a-day 2018

Rules of attraction?

I just the other day had a conversation with a friend about physical attraction, specifically that I felt it was important to have physical attraction in a dating+ relationship to a certain degree, at least as an initial tug for interest in a person, whereas she felt it was not a necessity, but something more of a bonus, because a person could be attractive by other means, and therefore didn’t need any original physical attraction present.

The whole purpose was to get me to go dance with a guy she thought was cute, but whom I didn’t find cute, but we really got into discussion on it, finding that we agreed on all other aspects but the necessity of at least a spark of initial physical attraction.

And now, mere days later, I cross a situation quite similar to what we were discussing: A guy I did not initially find physically attractive, but whom – after seeing the person within him and how he acted – I now find attractive.

Granted, he’s only a character in a film, but it really has me thinking…

I felt as though there was actually something that sparked my interest the first time I saw him, though I would not have said that he was specifically handsome or my type or anything… just that I was intrigued…, and was that enough of what I had meant about initial physical attraction to have it turn into something more?

Or would I have felt the same way, even if I hadn’t had that initial little spark of interested physical attraction?

Just has me wondering…

Post-a-day 2018

Marriage is what brings us together today

I had dinner with a friend last night, and we were talking about how we both still had to send in our rsvp for a friend’s upcoming wedding.  We discussed briefly what we each would do for our own wedding invitations, and I made a comment about how crazy it would be in the first place, if she were to receive an invitation to my own wedding.  ‘You, too, eh?’ was something like her response.  A conversation ensued about my views for myself on marriage.

It has been a recent discovery for me – meaning just in the past year or so – that I cannot quite see myself ever being able to marry.  To me, anyway, there is a sanctity to marriage that includes the line ‘no matter what’.  I do my best to say what I mean and to mean what I say in life.  And I do my best to correct what I have said, when I discover afterward that I have erred.  I believe that I could not honestly say and mean that I would be willing to commit to remaining in and working for a relationship no matter what.

To put an extreme example to this, I have read Jane Eyre.  (Have you?)  For those who haven’t read it, but intend to read it, and don’t want anything given away, ignore these next two sentences, and pick up at the bold font.  Essentially, Jane Eyre falls in love with the ward of the girl she is tutoring, and she wants to marry him, but then finds out that he can’t actually marry, because his mentally insane wife lives in his attic (or something very close to that).  So, she leaves him and is in shame for having loved a married man, the crazy wife eventually burns down the mansion and dies (I think in the fire she sets on the house), and Jane and her love are reunited years and years later, when he is old and blind (or, again, something to that effect) and legally single again.  Not that you needed so much detail, but it’s a ridiculous story, and there is no part I would be willing to play in it.  ‘No matter what’ includes ‘your spouse has gone mentally insane and tries to kill you’.  And I know that this is an extreme example, but it is merely an example.  There are a multitude of situations in which I would not want to find myself, if I couldn’t let a relationship go.  I know, too, that they are all incredibly unlikely.  But they are possible, and I would be lying if I agreed to staying together and loving one another no matter what.

This isn’t to say, of course, that I would be unwilling to share my life with someone.  I am definitely willing, should that someone come along.  I just cannot honestly say that I could ever marry that person.

Now, that is my recent discovery – one that really surprised me, when I discovered it – about marriage and myself.  As dinner was ready just as I finished explaining it to my friend last night, our conversation topic turned in the direction of food.  And so, recalling today that we hadn’t ever gotten to the ‘you, too?’ comment that began my non-marriage-details reveal, I sent the friend a message about it.  The following was exchanged between me and the friend, revealing her thoughts on her own possibility of marriage.

……………………..

H: Also, we never finished a certain conversation. I seem to recall that you had visions of yourself not ever getting married, but we never went into details on it

Friend: Definitely a conversation to be continued!
I think I’d like to find someone that I’d think about marrying. But my life is pretty great when I pull my head out of work and enjoy it! I don’t agree that there should be pressure to find someone to share your life with to make you complete. Also, I’m realistic about what it would take for me to get to that point with someone (a lot). I don’t trust new people that deeply very easily. And I don’t date a lot. But there ARE things I’d like to be better at fitting work around: horses, fitness, my dog, friend time, trips I want to take. So I’m focussing on that. If the guy thing happens, it happens. Sometimes I get a little down about it, but usually I just try to focus on all the good things and don’t worry to much about it 😁

H: Oh, my goodness.
Yes.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s perfection in words.
(Minus the missing o near the end)

……………………………..

And so, there you have two modern-day female views on marriage for themselves.  I hadn’t considered the topic in quite the words she used, but similar ideas have definitely arisen for me.  Yes, I want to share my life with another/others who are close to me.  No, it ultimately does not have to be a spouse.  I just don’t like living alone in the first place – I want loving people around me, supporting me and being supported by me in everyday life.  I want to share the joys and successes and failures of my own life with someone, and vice versa.  But it doesn’t have to be someone with whom I have romantic ties.  That’s part of why I loved so much how my friend listed the things she loves and on which she wants to put more focus in her life.  I believe that, when we do the things we want to do, and we go the places we want to go, we find the people we want in our lives.  (I even said something almost exactly to that effect in a video I did for a class in college, talking about one of my study abroad semesters.)  And so that is my goal in my daily life. Sure, I would love to find that someone perfect.  But doing the things I love to do, and going where I love to go, and spending my life with people I love and who love me… that’s the most important goal for me in my daily life right now.

Post-a-day 2018

Marry me, or leave me be

For some reason, I genuinely want friends, and I rather want males to leave me alone in the dating realm of life.  I usually struggle even talking with guys who show interest in me, until they seem to understand clearly that I am not interested (a process which usually includes utter bluntness, ignoring, a combination of the two, and possibly many other negative-type events).  So, it always feels like I just wants guys to leave me alone – I don’t want to date anyone, so let it go, give it up -, but I’m fine with having friends and acquaintances, and actually prefer that to dating.

Yet I want to be with someone.

I think that 1) I am crazy, and 2) I am already in the mindset of being with that certain someone, whoever it is, because I feel so confident that it will be unbelievably obvious when the time comes that we finally meet and are ready to be together, that we are the ones for one another.  So, in a way, I’m already having a relationship with this someone – or myself, if I am the only one meant for me after all -, and so I naturally am bothered by guys expressing interest in me.  I already have someone, or else I won’t ever be having someone, so leave me be (on that front, anyway).

Yeah, so I suppose I have established that I am, indeed, just a little bonkers, then. 😛

Post-a-day 2018