Twist

“Miss ——, the look on your face when she walked in was priceless!”

I had told them not to bring her into the classroom, for I would not be able to refrain from saying something. This is the girl my student prepared to ask out, the one he missed yesterday. However, a twist of fate brought them together tonight.

Another of my students is friends with this girl. She is also friends with the male wanting to ask the girl out. So she, when visiting me after school today, ended up discussing with the boy how he intended to approach the other girl. She approved of his aims and methods, only critiquing certain words slightly.

But then she offered an alternative. ‘She’s here right now. I could tell her to come in here with us.’ When that was a no-go on my and the boy’s end, they decided to go join the girl at the basketball game. At the game, my one student purposely sat not next to this girl, allowing/forcing the boy student to sit next to the girl. And he joined in the conversation, as well as struck up some of his own with just the girl.

When my girl student declared that she was coming back to my classroom, however, the other girl said that she wanted to join. And so, a few minutes later, all three of them walked into my classroom. One student already in my room, sitting near me, told me quietly who the third person was walking into the room…

I most certainly made a face…

And, I tell you, it was extremely difficult not to ask anything about what on Earth was going on and what had happened at the game and what the plan was going forward now for the boy student. Not that I typically care much at all regarding my students’ dating lives, but this boy has me invested in the silly soap opera at this point, showing up constantly to tell me it’s progression and his plans for his next move.

As soon as the girl had too leave, we all three exploded. It was hilarious. The female student of mine told me how she was genuinely concerned about bringing the girl with them to my classroom, because of what I’d said about my saying something. Both of my students were on a bit of an edge while the girl was in the room with us all. Their sudden free breathing after her departure was obvious. And, of course, they immediately filled me in on everything that had happened at the game. 😛

So, what will happen next??? Perhaps we shall have another episode of this delightful soap opera tomorrow…!

Post-a-day 2021

Heartache

I stop just after I begin to speak to the class. ‘——, you look utterly crushed and depressed.’

‘I am,’ he replies sadly yet strongly.

He missed her today. Apparently, he got to the spot where their paths cross too early Monday, and so he took his time today. Yet, I saw them all leaving immediately after the bell today, and guessed he might miss her. And he did. Even as he stood outside on the sidewalk, he turned toward where he guessed I was standing, lifted his arms in what can only be described as hopelessness, and let them fall, dejected yet accepting. She was nowhere to be seen.

He had even come in before school today to talk to me. Not to practice or anything, but just to talk with someone, to let out some of his nerves. He came by again, later in the the morning and again later in the day, just before heading to his last class before he would see her. At least, on every other day, he sees her after that class. Now, though, that he is trying to talk to her and get to know her, she is nearly impossible to find, it seems.

My heart is with him.

Also, after hearing from a friend of the girl today, there is a high chance that it will go nowhere between the two of them. But what I truly care about is that he is taking on something wonderful yet scary and is pushing past his comfort zone into truly living. I am extremely proud of and excited for him.

And I trust that we get exactly what we need exactly when we need it. He is no exception. May he have fun with and enjoy and be grateful for all of this experience, I do pray. Amen

Post-a-day 2021

I love these kids

After school today, a student came to see me for some test prep help. However, he also came to tell me, ‘My script has changed, Miss —-.’

And so, what did we do for roughly an hour and a half after school? Work on school work? Nope. We did run-throughs of the many possible scenarios that would arise tomorrow when he approaches this girl to ask her out. Actually, it isn’t even necessarily a date for which he is asking. See the rough “script”, as he calls it, here:

Hey, are you S——? I’m ——-. Nice to meet you. I just wanted to introduce myself, because, honestly, I saw you and I though you were gorgeous, and I’d like to get to know you. Would you like to maybe do something together one day after school or maybe next week?

He has prepared for many contingencies in her possible reactions at any point in his “script”. He has practiced plowing through even when he messes up and stumbles terribly (and yes, he does a great job recovering). He is ready for her apathy, her casual interest, her extreme excitement, and even her likely five-girl gaggle. He is prepared and practiced in how he will ask for her number (and why, should she offer a social media option instead), and what he will say once he has it. He has watched a Ted Talk on power stances, so as to prepare himself chemically in the brain – to cause the chemicals of courage! – and will be positioning his body in at least one power stance during the last several minutes of the previous class tomorrow. He has visualized his “perfect game” in the whole scenario.

He has certainly prepared.

Most importantly, though he cares about this and means every word he is preparing to say to her, he also is prepared for her not to accept his request and expression of interest – he is prepared to accept what is meant to be, and he knows that it is worth being courageous despite the potential of denial. Because this prepares him for so much more than merely asking out a girl tomorrow. Life takes courage if we are to live it to our fullest.

I wish him all the best and loads of love and prayers for this courageous event tomorrow. And I look forward not only to seeing it happen from afar – yes, it so happens that it will take place just outside a window by my room – but to hearing whatever he has to share about it afterward. Hopefully, I will hear that roar of delight from him that he expects will be inevitable should he succeed.

Fingers crossed and prayers offered – God, bless him in his endeavours, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Alas… a lass

Little girl in me is crushed – fairly certain he’s in a relationship. 😭😭😭
Correction: I think he is, and that hurts as much as being fairly certain.
Ugh… I supise it isn’t actually that big of a deal. However, it is causing me to have to deal with a lot of negative emotions and engrained thoughts around the idea of my not being good enough, not worth it. If I really were good enough, they wouldn’t reject me, right? That’s the main feeling today. Of course, part of me still hopes that what I discovered today was misinterpreted (by me, of course). However, allowing the large possibility of my having interpreted accurately, there is a part of me that is grateful to God for having shown it to me today. I only just spoke openly about my interest to anyone yesterday, and this happenstance felt like the world’s reply, in a way. Because many things kept going oddly, in order for me to end up exactly where I was when I was there, and for me to see exactly what I saw. 30 seconds difference, even, could have shown me something entirely different. But the Universe wanted me there at that exact moment, and so I was. Now, I must let go and let God – it will be all revealed in time, as is needed for my life to be the beautiful blessing that I am here to create with God and the Universe. Dearest cosmos, please, help me to release this pain.
And God and Universe, thank you.
Post-a-day 2021

Trippin’?

I am taking a trip tomorrow, and very early on the morning. I intend to be at the airport at 5:00am. So, I need to leave the house about 15-20 minutes earlier than I usually do, when I go to the gym.

I am going somewhere entirely new for me, somewhere I have never been. I am staying with someone I barely know and whose habits and way of living are almost entirely unknown to me. The person is a male dentist and homosexual, so I think the two bode well for a clean living space. (That and the fact that I saw a photo of him on his bathroom, showing me an outfit once, and the bathroom was tidy and seemed clean.) However, I do not know for sure.

I do not know the specific plans for the days and evenings and nights. I think we are supposed to be going out at some point, even, to hang and be social and hear music and dance around… he even has a date for me…

I don’t know what or how we will be eating, or when. I don’t know when he goes to bed or wakes each day, or what his intended times are for this trip.

I’m not sure he has any idea of my regular sleep schedule…

And I scheduled this trip all of a sudden one day, when Southwest was having a sale. I considered it briefly, then reached out the next day and booked the flight.

Who on Earth planned this trip? Certainly not the Hannah I know… She is much too cautious to do such a thing without having a better understanding of details on all fronts.

Dear God and Universe, please, help me to have a safe, wonderful, fulfilling trip this weekend. Gratitude and love abound in me – help me to share them with the world around me this weekend, please.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Music to my ears

It seems as though I have a bit of unfinished business regarding baritones with spectacular singing abilities. I shall contemplate this further, in order to reach clarity, but it seems as though I either need to have a relationship with one, or I need to have a major completion conversation about them…

I believe I shall say more about this tomorrow, when it is not already 2:05am, and I am not literally aching to be asleep.

Post-a-day 2021

Man, oh, man…

Do you ever have a sudden 180, and go from feeling proud and confident and comfortable to feeling absolutely undeserving and unworthy?

One of my best friends connected me with someone last year. We got along well, but he wasn’t about being not in the same location. Okay, fine. My friend and I both were surprised by that, but it is what it is, and he wasn’t open to options.

Nonetheless, my friend encouraged the connection, and the guy and I stayed in contact, and I even went so far as to have him be a sort of fitness buddy, with whom I discussed this and that around our similar workout regimens. It was cool and fun.

So, we finally meet in person, at my friend’s wedding. And we get on really well. And I feel great about myself and confident and comfortable. And it’s an amazing time.

Even after the wedding, I am still in that space and the guy and I are still getting along.

Then, my friend wants to know what I thought after meeting the guy in person. I share. We discuss. It is silly, yet fun. She then speaks to one of the major drawbacks I had crossed with the guy. And with that information, she unknowingly blows my mind.

Yes, that drawback is still the same drawback. But now, this guy is more attractive than ever…

To the point that I, confident and comfortable I, feel as though I am not on the right level for him, that I am not worthy of him.

And then begins the positive feedback cycle, swirling ever downward… he doesn’t like me, and no wonder: I’m not good enough. I’m a failure in so many ways already, and, now, because of them, I’m a failure with this, too… And so it continues.

I have listened to my responses, and I have let them go each time. I have felt the physical reaction to such an emotion, and I have allowed it to be just what it is. And I have looked inside to see what had me lose my value as a person, simply because of money (because that’s what it was really about).

I’m not all the way there yet. But I am improving. I was in a significantly worse space only hours ago, than I am now. I don’t feel great about it all – not at all. But I am feeling less and less crap and anger, which is a beautiful sign so far.

Now, to sleep through the night and see what steps I will take tomorrow. Those steps will be toward clearing up this struggle for myself. I feel inadequate, because I know I can do better than I have done, but I let something stop me, somewhere along the line. So, let’s figure out who or what it was, and get past it already.

Post-a-day 2021

Uh-oh

Have you ever found yourself unexplainably attracted to a person?

I think we almost all have, at least once in life.

There are several distinct, specific qualities or features the person has – qualities that typically involve a total lack of interest for us -, and yet… here we are, attracted… wondering when we might next see this person, next interact with this person.

Okay, so, we’ve mostly all had an unexplainable attraction, yes?
But have you then figured out the attraction, found its source?

I once had it with a guy on whom I had previously had a high school crush. He had gotten quite fat since last I’d seen him, and was physically a total turn-off and non-attraction for me. Yet his personality, combined with how I had seen him back in high school, left me thinking often of him, wanting to spend time with him. In other words, I was attracted to him emotionally, though not physically or sexually.

Okay, so, if you’ve ever later figured out the source of this initially- unexplainable attraction, has it ever been because this person reminds you of someone else? Like a Jake Gyllenhall look-alike, or a Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling… others whom you find physically attractive, famous or not…?

Now, let’s take it a step further. Say you’ve figured out that your attraction to the person was because of the look-alike status. Have you ever, in that moment, then discovered that you find that other person attractive?

Think about that a second.

Person A is unexplainably attractive. Eventually, you discover that Person A looks a lot like Person B, thus explaining the reason for your attraction to Person A, and easing your mind from the constant wonderings regarding how you possibly were attracted to this person with bad posture and crooked teeth. ‘Ah, that’s why! Okay, now it all makes sense…’ And then, like a bolt of lightning, you realize that, the only way for this all to make sense is if you actually found Person B attractive in the first place…, which, apparently, you do…, but you just hadn’t known it until now.

Yeah… that just happened to me.

So, I guess the question that remains is, “Does Person B have a younger, available brother?” ;P

Post-a-day 2021

Lolz

Okay, now I actually broke it. Well, I denied every possibility it had to offer me, anyway.

Pretty darn ridiculous, huh? Haha

I have always held that I am extremely picky. I have genuine and intense standards, and will hold to them. So far, these average men of Houston are not meeting those standards.

And that’s completely okay and entirely perfect. I trust in God and The Cosmos and Energy. When it is time, it will be time. Until that time, it is not yet time. It’s as simple as that. 🙂

Post-a-day 2021

Intentionally Picky

I do not claim not to be picky. Indeed, on the important things, I will not settle – I accept only exactly what is perfect, and what is perfect happens also to be exactly what I want.

For example, when I want an apple, there is an image in my mind, on my taste buds, on my teeth of exactly what I want. If it is a deep pink, small apple, with hints of yellow and near-red, then I simply will deny any other apple available to me. It is not snobbery. It is merely being aware of what it is I want – and why I want it, specifically – and being conscious enough to acknowledge that anything else is superfluous. For whatever reason, my body wants that apple. Not a green one; not a red one; not an underripe pink one… that one. Consider the idea of needing a bunch of protein, and someone offers a handful of grass to eat. It just doesn’t make sense to consider the grass as an answer to the need for protein. Whatever is in that apple is only in that apple and in the right amounts.

Now, that might be a somewhat terrible comparison, but it was meant well. ;P

Today, I spent some… time… on Bumble, the dating application. Recall my pickiness with apples and just about anything else in life – I’ve gone years in search of the right shirt and skirt combination, never settling (though, I did recently find the skirt!). Men are no different. What I am seeing in a partner, in a mate in life follows the same guidelines and criteria of either being exactly what I seek or superfluous.

And I think I broke Bumble.

It just kind of… ran out. Of options, I mean. When I had swiped “no” after the who-knows-how-many-hundreth person, the application seemed just to give up, saying, ‘Nope. We don’t have anyone for you right now. Check back again soon.’

Note the following screen:

Yeah. So, that happened. And, even when I closed the application and relaunched it, the screen happened again… and again and again and again.

And so, i accepted Bumble’s quiet yet oh-so-loud message, and closed it up, not even the least bit of concern in my mind. When it is time, it is time. And right now is the time not to bother with the online dating application. Perhaps it never will be again. And perhaps it will be one day. For now, however, my message was clear: Be here, in person, and life will meet me where I follow my heart.

I guess I am signing up for that volunteering next week after all. 🙂

Post-a-day 2021

^Had to think about it again… and I was doing so well! Haha