Feedback

Today, I was scared to give feedback. But 1) I knew it was important feedback, and 2) I have been working on being courageous and speaking up about things that are important to me in my life. And so, I declared that it would be better done than not, and I went and asked first if I might give a bit of feedback, and then, upon receiving the all-clear, I communicated kindly and clearly what the feedback was and why I felt it was so important (i.e. multiple others had mentioned it as their experience, too). I was sharing feedback about a new coach at our gym, but to the owner. He was grateful for the feedback, and he understood immediately what the issue was and why it mattered in our classes so much (without my having to say anything further about it). He thanked me for the feedback, and he even told me that it helps when it is coming not simply from him but from us, just through him.

It was a really cool experience for me. Sure, I was still a bit odd and nervous, but it went well and accomplished its outset goal. Plus, I got to be courageous. And that was certainly swell.

Thank you, God and Universe. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Missed again…)

Okay…

I applied to two contract positions this Monday evening for extremely similar jobs at a company for which I very much want to work. I do not officially qualify for either of them, based on the listed requirements on the company’s website. This afternoon, I received an e-mail regarding the lesser-likely of the two positions, asking me to proceed with the next step in the interview process. I have until Saturday to complete a task, which is roughly what I would be doing in the job itself, and to submit my resulting work from the task. If they like what I created, then they will proceed with an actual interview. And so, I have my work cut out for me tomorrow! The person said it should take about an hour. If I am taking longer than that, then I am thinking more and/or putting more detail into it than what they want for this particular activity. (Kind of a really cool parameter, if you ask me! I love limits of explanation like that!)

Fingers crossed, and, God and Universe, may You guide me beautifully to be my best self in this process. Amen.

Post-a-day 2022

(Still thinking 2021 each time…)

A Fine Day, Today

I am still not clear of the depression, but I am significantly improved today. I got things done, and I enjoyed doing them. They went all wonky with order and finish times. And that was okay – I rolled with it with much ease and only a little strain. I know my body is dealing with a lot, and that’s okay. I haven’t been helping it with my food situation the past two-three weeks. (That’s been a bit of a bad positive feedback circle itself… and with sleep, too.) I have been improving on the sleep and the life-attitude parts especially, and am working on setting things up to improve even more, day by day. I started menstruating this afternoon, and that is a sign that my body will chill out a bit – read “loads” – in the next 12-24 hours, and I’ll not have to be physically aching to reproduce, constantly bombarded by daydreams of fit, wealthy, gorgeous men (I’m not saying that’s a bad thing to have on one’s mind, but it’d be nice not to have it shoved upon me at all times of day and night.) anymore. I am grateful for that. I always feel so crazy when my body does its last-ditch effort to reproduce… sigh

I am nervous about tomorrow. I am nervous about being seen as bad or wrong or evil. I am worried about being rejected in my human love and care. I am worried about being misunderstood. I am worried about being unacknowledged, unnoticed, ignored. I am worried about feeling like I am in trouble…. sigh….

Now, if I let all that go, now that it is acknowledged, I am delighted and excited about tomorrow! I can hardly wait to give my next gift to someone. I gave my Secret Santa gift tonight, and the person was delighted. We have a whole group text thing for all of our employees. We have a group just for the Secret Santa, too. But my person shared a photo and an adorable message in the group with everyone tonight:

YALL!!! LOOK WHAT MY SECRET SANTA DONE DID FOR MEEEE!!!!!

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!😊😊😊❤❤❤

Suffice it to say that, though I was bummed I hadn’t done a better job, it was still very well done and very well set up. And as a $10-limit Secret Santa gift, it was quite impressive. I don’t know if she knew I had given it to her – though my name was clever put on the calligraphy pages, as I have an actual calligraphy name stamp (but it is in Japanese, and stylized, AND the katakana of Hannah look like 80 in Japanese kanji…, so there’s a big chance she can’t and won’t read it) -, but I am excited at and satisfied with her excitement in the present.

Tomorrow, however, I have my fingers majorly crossed for the gift I am giving someone I care about and love dearly. You see, he kind of needs a Hawaiian shirt. Yes, need is loosely used, but somewhat applicable nonetheless. He also loves purple. Many purples don’t look great with his skin tone and eyes and hair – my mom and i have discussed this, of course. Hawaiian shirts don’t exactly come in purples that often either. So, it was a struggle not only to find a purples shirt, but to find a pretty, acceptable pattern and shade of purple, as well as a non-polyester-piece-of-junk shirt. The idea was to give him “flowers” for a performance he has. Those “flowers”, of course, would be the hibiscus flowers on the Hawaiian shirt. However, with all the purple nonsense – not that purples is nonsense, but the searching was silly -, the shirt we found is actually just mountains and clouds and palm trees… so, no flowers. Now, I am at the point of determining whether to include actual flowers now, and just wrap them in the shirt somehow, or to do something else comparable… I even considered getting white flowers, setting them in purple water, and letting them dye purple, and giving them with the shirt. But the whole point of the shirt was that it was roughly the same price as flowers would have been, so it really was instead of flowers…. So, i don’t know right now. I think I’ll go to bed and let myself be rested tomorrow morning to figure it all out.

Yes, I do that now, thank you. ;P

Post-a-day 2021

I love these kids

After school today, a student came to see me for some test prep help. However, he also came to tell me, ‘My script has changed, Miss —-.’

And so, what did we do for roughly an hour and a half after school? Work on school work? Nope. We did run-throughs of the many possible scenarios that would arise tomorrow when he approaches this girl to ask her out. Actually, it isn’t even necessarily a date for which he is asking. See the rough “script”, as he calls it, here:

Hey, are you S——? I’m ——-. Nice to meet you. I just wanted to introduce myself, because, honestly, I saw you and I though you were gorgeous, and I’d like to get to know you. Would you like to maybe do something together one day after school or maybe next week?

He has prepared for many contingencies in her possible reactions at any point in his “script”. He has practiced plowing through even when he messes up and stumbles terribly (and yes, he does a great job recovering). He is ready for her apathy, her casual interest, her extreme excitement, and even her likely five-girl gaggle. He is prepared and practiced in how he will ask for her number (and why, should she offer a social media option instead), and what he will say once he has it. He has watched a Ted Talk on power stances, so as to prepare himself chemically in the brain – to cause the chemicals of courage! – and will be positioning his body in at least one power stance during the last several minutes of the previous class tomorrow. He has visualized his “perfect game” in the whole scenario.

He has certainly prepared.

Most importantly, though he cares about this and means every word he is preparing to say to her, he also is prepared for her not to accept his request and expression of interest – he is prepared to accept what is meant to be, and he knows that it is worth being courageous despite the potential of denial. Because this prepares him for so much more than merely asking out a girl tomorrow. Life takes courage if we are to live it to our fullest.

I wish him all the best and loads of love and prayers for this courageous event tomorrow. And I look forward not only to seeing it happen from afar – yes, it so happens that it will take place just outside a window by my room – but to hearing whatever he has to share about it afterward. Hopefully, I will hear that roar of delight from him that he expects will be inevitable should he succeed.

Fingers crossed and prayers offered – God, bless him in his endeavours, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Just say it

Sometimes, it feels embarrassing to give a compliment to someone, especially when it is something that others would be surprised at your having noticed.

In my experience, though, it is almost always worth it for all parties involved to go ahead and just give the compliment. Yes, be appropriate in how you set up giving the compliment, and the words and tone you use – have them be appropriate for the context and the receiver -, but just give it. Just say it. More often than not, it is one of the best parts of that person’s day. Possibly more.

Like how my gym owner gave me the compliment about my butt being “perfection”… I almost cried with joy at the compliment. But he also set it up appropriately, easing me into the fact that he was about to say something atypical and that he wanted to make sure I took the right way. That was weeks ago, now, and it still lights up my day most days, at least once, if not multiple times a day.

I was scared to give two separate components to a guy this past week. I gave them anyway. And it turned out very positively.

So, go ahead. Give the compliment. Acknowledge openly the beauty of those around you.

Post-a-day 2021

Tomorrow

I’ll be flying in an airplane tomorrow. Suffice it to say I am nervous. I have always been a touch nervous with airline travel, for many reasons… luggage allowances, prohibited items, actual plane safety, being on time, being allowed on the flight, having a comfortable seating arrangement, having enough leg room… tomorrow shall be no different, but that it has an added piece of nerves: all of the unknowns around new requirements since everything closed down for COVID-19. So far as I can tell, the only requirement difference is that I must wear a mask the whole time. But that just seems so simple…, it is hard to believe that that is all. However, I certainly hope that that is all that is new.

Fingers crossed for safe and easy and comfortable travel this weekend, for me and for all travelers.

Post-a-day 2021

Nerves

Tomorrow morning starts something new… I could even go High School Musical on the situation – it really is a big deal, and it has all the nerves of high school to go with it.

I want it to go well, which is what has emme nervous… that, and the fact that I have no internet at home, and this will take regular internet access for long-ish periods of time… hmm…

I’ll keep thinking in that, and see what I can come up with that is not only practical but that leaves me truly comfortable.

Anyway, I want to do well with this all… and for many, many reasons, none of which are insignificant.

God, help me to listen to You within me tomorrow morning, especially, and in every moment, as a whole.

Amen.

Let’s do this.

We can do it.

And amazingly so. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Are you game?

I am somewhat terrified (though not in any life-threatening way) for tomorrow and onward.

I don’t date people… I just don’t.

Men don’t ask me out, I don’t ask them out, and we don’t go out.

Yet, here I am, scheduled to meet a person for brunch – I also don’t go eat with people when I don’t know how they eat, physically (can’t stand smacking and all sorts of nonsense) – for, well, a date that, well, I asked him to go on with me.

Have I gone mad?

I am so particular, and also so panicky about all of this business…

We (meaning my friend) put me on the dating apps, and it stressed me out so much, I couldn’t take it.

And I didn’t even go on any dates from them(!), but I just needed to be removed from them.

And I think they scared me.

I have it in my head that things will be easy with the person meant for me, and that’s totally okay.

But I also have this desire to date people – like the concept of going on dates and being giddy and silly and flirty and having fun and learning all about someone else, and then also just having someone to go do something with me, to spend time with me.

One side of me wants to go date all over the place, but another wants to be reserved, to stay away, to wait with utter loyalty for the one meant for me…

The parable where the one guy goes and buries the money, while the other two invested their shares, and he returns just the original amount to the master, but the others return more, due to interest from their investments, and the master fusses at him for his poor judgement of what was best to do with the money… comes to mind…

If I sit quietly, safely, alone and underground, I will not improve upon myself and I will have significantly less to offer when that someone comes to retrieve me, so to speak – I would have so much less to offer my partner whenever we did get together.

So, it makes sense to invest myself, again, so to speak…

But I also am terrified of hurting the other person I date – I hate rejection, but I also hate rejecting… my usual tactic is to avoid the whole situation by figuring out ahead of any dating opportunity that the person and I are not meant for each other, and then making sure no date ever comes of it…

And I don’t want to be hurt myself… I don’t want to be rejected myself… as much as I don’t want to have to ‘let him down easy,’ as we say, I don’t want to be ‘let down’ at all… I’ve had enough of that experience in my life already, especially with guys… I don’t want any more of it.

But it is just like the job interview, as my mom and I always discuss before I have an interview… I want to get this, because I think it would be amazing, but I want to be true to myself and I want to get it because I am good for it – if I would not be good for it and would end up miserable in it, I want not to get it… if they do not want me, then it is good that they reject me, because it is not the place for me, and it is not a good place for me, either… If they accept me, it is because I am perfect for it, and things will be amazing… if they reject, it is because something better awaits me… I need not put any extra stress, emphasis, or meaning onto the interview (e.g. That I have to get this, or that it means I suck if I don’t get this, etc.)… however it turns out is perfect for me and my life, and I will be heading perfectly to where I need to be next in life.

This whole dating thing, I think can be like that for me… if we are meant to be together, we will be; if we are not, we won’t be…, either way is perfect.

We are on this date for some reason, and there is something wonderful to get out of it, including its being a wonderful opportunity to learn about and get to know another human being in the intimacy of a one-on-one experience (something of which we seem to do far too little in this life)… if nothing else, that is a good enough reason to go on this date.

I think that is actually why I wanted this date: He attracts me, and I want to see why, I want to learn about him, to satisfy the curiosity that called me so strongly to him as to want to spend one-on-one time with him.

Wanting to spend one-on-one time with someone doesn’t mean we have to kiss or have sex or anything at the end of it – it is truly just an opportunity to have uninterrupted interaction with one another… and I think that is one of the most important parts of this for me to get… I can go on a date and not have to kiss the guy at the end… and I can even talk about that with him, and even at the beginning.

It’s kind of like how I told this one friend-ish acquaintance straight up, “I’m not having sex with you,” and he understood and was not offended, and we still spent and spend time together, one-on-one, despite my clear declaration… hmm…

Wow… is it really an expectation of a kiss (etc.) that most stresses me about dating?… that I would be declared overly chaste and wuss and whatever afterward?

Hmm… I might have something there…

But what if I already do want to kiss him?… and I end up not wanting to kiss him later on, after we spend more time together?… is it okay to back away some, to remove the kissing from the table, while still being amicable, friends, even?

I guess that would be part of the conversation to be had to begin it all… establishing expectations, concerns, goals, and anything else that needed to be said before diving into the date fully…

Actually, I really like that idea… I had thought of it before, but not in such clarity and with such specific reasoning behind it… now I need to make sure this happens tomorrow, before our date begins fully…

Yes, I am game (and it seems like it will be very fun to play). 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Rockin’ it

Tonight, I went to another art exhibit.

And alone, too.

Yes, I ended up meeting friends there, however, I was going in the first place, whether they accepted the belated invitation or not…

And it was wonderful.

I loved the art, I had fun with the friends, I felt myself, and I felt totally loved, and for being just that (myself, I mean).

And I didn’t even think about this as being an improvement on who I am being in life until after the fact, upon further, late-night reflection…

It was wonderful.

It has only taken me years, but I am finally beginning to embrace and to take advantage of the wonderful arts scene found in Houston.

I am finally going to museums somewhat regularly, and am even going on my own, at times, now.

And I love it.

And I love myself for it, too.

I love being myself, the self I have always had inside, the one who wants to be a museum/goer, who can be found on her own at a museum, contemplating this or that piece with curiosity.

It’s really cool, y’all… really cool.

Post-a-day 2019

Writing

I’m beginning to feel, after someone asked me about my writing this morning, that the main reason I like and am drawn to writing so much, is that it is an opportunity for me to express myself without being interrupted, put down (directly), or even ignored (noticeably)… I get to be myself and to express myself, no matter who might be nearby.

I’m not sure if I like that or not, though…

I’ll ponder for another day or month or so, and see where it gets me… perhaps it’ll be breathtakingly phenomenal, when I have a breakthrough out of what I find in that pondering.

Post-a-day 2018