Gym

Remember how I mentioned that Katy Perry song last night, “Teenage Dream”? Well, guess what song played at the gym this morning! It was so fun to have that happen, especially considering how that song does not usually play at the gym – nothing of its genre, even. So, that was a delightful start to the day for me.

However, speaking of the gym, I totally cried during the workout today. We were doing these deltoid press-downs with stretchy bands looped over the pull-up bars. I had attempted my left arm first. I always ask which muscles are managing movements (if I am not already sure), so that I can do the movement correctly and at all. (I’ve definitely been unable to do something simply because I was using, say, my arm muscles, when it should have been shoulder and back muscles, and then it totally worked when I got the right muscle group going.)

But something just didn’t click for me this morning – I couldn’t make the band go down. As soon as I hit the point of the band’s genuine resistance, I just could not make it go any farther. And yet, that was hardly half the distance to my body. I looked around, and saw everyone else doing it with somewhat ease. I took a step closer to the bar, to lessen the tension on the band. And then another. And I still couldn’t get my arm all the way down to my body, as we were supposed to be doing – as everyone else was doing. I was bordering on tears… from embarrassment, perhaps? I was also quite low on my sleep from the past couple nights – nightmares had plagued Sunday night, giving me minimal rest then, and last night hadn’t been much more restful, though the nightmares had mostly all gone.

The coach saw me and told me to move away from the bar. I moved a bit, and he said with more emphasis and volume for me to move, suggesting that I needed to take a huge step away. And I did, but I was beginning to panic. It is not a comfortable feeling when the body does not do as we wish it to do for something that it, by all means, ought to be able to do. Nor is it comfortable to feel oneself beginning to cry over such a simple little movement in a gym workout.

But I reminded myself that I was behind on sleep, which always seems to affect my ability to remain calm and not crying in situations. And so, I struggled and mostly failed, and then switched to the right arm, just to see if it would be any different. The band went right down. It was easy like how I had seen everyone else doing it… So something is wrong with my left side, I thought. Even more stress.

I moved on to the other activity for that round, and aimed to take a mental breather from the fact that I was supposed to do that four more rounds, and yet I hadn’t even been able to do it one time out of the 20 repetitions with my left side.

When I returned for the start of my second round, I tried again, aiming truly to figure out if there were a way that I could do it, despite my body’s not being able to do it fully as intended. A modification would be fine, if I could find one. The coach saw me again, standing too close to the bar as I attempting the modification. The earlier process had repeated, and the taunting tears from before no longer taunted, but fell forth. He was immediately in front of me, standing very close, talking calmly and gently to me, asking me what was going on, what was happening in that moment. I told him that – after a solid ten seconds of being unable to speak, for my tears – I was frustrated because I couldn’t do it. He evaluated, looking to the bar where I was, and the bar I had used the first round. This one was higher, which increased the tension, he pointed out. And I said I hadn’t been able to do it before either. The bands, too, were new, and so were harder to use than the ones we had had until recently. I told him that it was just my left side that I just couldn’t seem to make do the movement. He aligned everything for me, adjusting exactly the angle of my arm and elbow, and altering my handhold to decrease resistance.

And then I did it. I was still crying and, even, shaking, somewhat, but now there was relief in my tears, not merely stress and embarrassment. And I did it again. And I kept going. I nodded, making it clear that I was okay to continue on my own now. Before he walked away, he said to me, “You don’t need to be frustrated. You’re doing f***ing pull-ups,” and it made me laugh through my tears. He was right, after all. I was crying from stress at a tiny movement that I hadn’t been able to do, thinking I was too weak – I could do it, now that he had helped me figure it out, so it hadn’t been that I was too weak at all. And yet, after the workout today, I did three pull-ups, and attempted a fourth five or so times (making it about 90-95% of the way up each time on that fourth), wanting to get in one more than I had done after yesterday’s workout. I most certainly was not too weak.

I took one deep breathe, let it go, and I was breathing fully and easily again. I’m sure my face and eyes were still rather cry-looking for a while after that, but everyone was busy working, so I doubt anyone else even noticed. By the time I started the next round, which I was able to do with ease – relative ease, that it, as it was still hard work, but I could do that hard work now – I was fully calm and focused. While doing my left side, the coach caught my eye from across the room and gave me a visual clapping with his hands (because it was meant to be seen and not heard – there was loud music playing, after all).

I smiled sheepishly, but with immense gratitude. He is always there to encourage us to push ourselves beyond mental barriers (But he is extremely careful to keep us always safe, especially regarding physical abilities. Once, he told me, after I had cried at some back squats, never to do something that actually scared me or made me uncomfortable, where I didn’t feel safe doing it. He wants us safe, but not lazy cowards. That’s why he pushes us.), but, if ever his push of encouragement does not land as intended, he is at our side to help us how specifically we need in that moment. There was no hesitation when I started crying this morning – he saw that something was not okay for me, and his full focus was on helping me clear up whatever it was. And he did exactly that. And today was just one of the many reasons that I love this gym and its owner (today’s coach). Both because of the ridiculous song choices for the morning and for his clear love and care for me when I hit a roadblock.

Post-a-day 2021

Saturday morning shows?

Saturday morning. Sleep in. Relax. Restore.

And then go to the gym, right? πŸ˜›

When I first joined the gym, I rarely made it to the Saturday workout, because it was at 9am. I was not a morning person. Period. Even as a child, I missed all the best Saturday morning cartoons, because I was, as my sister said, “a sleeper”. When I joined the gym, I was also deemed by the owner to be “a nooner”. And, when I walked into that noon class each day, I had only just woken up to an alarm maybe an hour earlier. For most of my life, the opportunity to sleep in usually meant I would sleep until close to noon, if not later. And that’s even if I went to bed at ten-ish the night before. At some point last year, all that shifted, my body determined that 4:00 was a good time to awaken – and that is AM – and I went ahead and adjusted my life to fit it. Now, I usually wake up before my 4:20am alarm, I go easily and gladly to the 5:15am workout, and I go to bed around 8:30-9:00pm each night. Sure, there are days that go longer than others, but I usually end up waking up at the same time, anyway, the next morning.

That being said, nowadays, when I am considering attending the Saturday workout, I just sleep on in, and then decide when I get up if I want to go. And I can do that, because sleeping in means sleeping until roughly 6:00 or so most Saturdays. If I stay up late Friday night, and I’ve been up late other nights in the given week, too, I might even sleep until around 8:00am. But that one is more rare.

In addition, there is now a 10:00am weightlifting class, which is specifically focused on building strength and on improving aesthetics. I have been purposely aiming to increase my strength…, and my physical aesthetic lately, so… I dare say that it is a class I could appreciate greatly.

Basically, that means I love my Saturday mornings now, more than ever. But not a lot of people attend the lift class. They prefer the cardio-strong class at 9am still. I don’t mind that class, but it isn’t a good idea to do both – not at this point in my body’s path, anyway – so I have to pick one. Of course, I pick the lift one. Strength is my current weakness, after all. Who else tends to do the lift class? Take the stereotype on this one, folks: men.

And so, how did I spend my Saturday morning today? I slept in (which felt amazing), and then I went to the gym for an awesome workout, which I did while being surrounded by five ridiculously fit guys who also were workout out. And most of us were shirtless…. talk about glorious, gleaming abs and muscles... Whew!

So, can a Saturday morning get much better than that? πŸ˜›

Post-a-day 2021

^Man! I hesitated.

Today’s date

I went on a date today. And I knew about it. I even partly (slash mostly) asked him out. It was very cool and super serendipitous and all.

I had met him at the gym, actually – perfect place, in my opinion! – but had a weird feeling a couple days ago that I was going to find him on this dating app I had (but wasn’t exactly using anymore). The likelihood stood out clearly to me, mathematically speaking, of course. However, I have been working on slowing such feelings to guide me. And so, I gave it, perhaps, a minute of my time one day, and about thirty seconds the next. This morning, when I thought about it – and it was for a while that I considered it – it felt that either it was going to happen today or not at all. That was it. And so, I was nervous to look on the app, and, therefore, just thought about it a good long while. Finally, though, when my official activities for the day had all ended, and earlier than had been scheduled, I said it, “Either it is going to happen now or not at all.”

I opened the application. Swipe once to deny. Swipe twice. Swipe thrice.

And there he was.

Staring back at me from a photo I had just the other day seen was that guy from the gym. (I had seen his Instagram, but had only minimally perused, as I was finding that I might genuinely be interested in pursuing some sort of relationship with this guy.)

I yelled out loud. “I knew it!” I declared on repeat a few times. I had been lying on my belly on the floor, and had almost immediately dropped my phone and began rolling around and banging my feet on the floor in childlike delight.

“Aaaaah! I knew it! Yay! Thank you! Aaah!”

Once I got that out of my system, I took some action. I took a screenshot of his profile, and asked him in an Instagram direct message if he was ready (after text-shouting his name at him, and he had replied in kind). It suddenly occurred to me that I might Lose the profile, by leaving the app for too long. So, I quickly returned and swiped right. No matter what happened, it was fun to do so, and everything would be fine, even if he totally denied me. And, if he didn’t, all the better.

I switched back over to the Instagram messages and waited mere seconds before he replied, “Yes.” It seemed an odd response to my semi-surprise-attack and just asking if he was ready. Ready for what? He had no idea. Did he? No. It had only been thirty seconds since I’d swiped his profile.

I sent him the screenshot.

Within another thirty seconds, he replied.

Haha. I saw that.

Check it.

I’m sorry… what???

It took me a moment to realize that he wasn’t just saying a confirmation statement, like Word or, though I very much dislike it, Bet. He actually meant for me to check the app, the dating app.

I had received no notification, not even within the app. But, sure enough, when I clicked on the ‘matches’ section, his face was up there, matched.

And then, a couple hours later, we were together, talking and walking and sitting in the park, enjoying the amazing weather and one another’s company.

I had a really great time with him.

Near the end, I found myself stressing a bit. I don’t date. And I don’t do uncertainty very well. And I have a tendency to believe that others do not like me, and regularly dislike me. But, assuming we do do it again, as he said he wanted to do (and he confirmed that he meant it), I just need to get clear on all of that for myself ahead of time. My experiences of the past need not have influence over this opportunity facing me now. This man – this very sweet, slightly dorky, comfortable man – is not any of those people who have rejected me in the past, be it as a friend or as a romantic partner. He is his own person, and the relationship that he has with me and that I have with him is unique and free from any past rejection I have experienced from others.

Yeah… πŸ™‚

How odd a day, though… I start out the morning mentioning to my dad that I was abused in college, and how it had affected my personal physical fitness until recently, and then I end up on a date that goes well past my usual bedtime. I emphasized to my dad that I truly am okay and that I am doing very well and am free from that abuse now, and he got it, he heard me. But I saw the hurt in his eyes for his daughter, the pain he only then was experiencing for something long-past, and also the relief that it all was completed and resolved for me and my life – that I was hurting no longer from it all.

We had a really great breakfast together, and that was only a small part of it.

Anyway, went a bit tangential there… back to focus!

I started the day there, had a midday rejection from someone whom I had wanted to be my friend – and it was a weird rejection, too; my mom agreed with me on that… it was so odd. But we both agreed that life takes care of us, and that rejection happened because that person is not someone who needs to be in my life right now. After that, I called to find out if someone important to me was, in fact, being held at a certain detention facility (he was not, as it turns out). Never done that before, but now I have. Had a video call to go over a Spanish cheat-sheet thing I developed for my part-time job’s employees who do not speak Spanish but sometimes need to interact with guests who speak Spanish (and the meeting went awesomely). Then picked up a key for some spontaneous house-sitting I’m doing tomorrow. Then, as I sat down to do whatever delights arose next, I said my statement about the now or never, and found the gym guy, and ended up on a date shortly thereafter.

It was a crazy and awesome day, really.

My one genuine concern about the guy, though, is that I noticed today how desperately starved for physical touch I am, and I worry that could get in the way, and possibly cloud my judgement. Plus, it could make me get all weird. What it feels I want more than anything right now is just to be held. And hard. I just want to be pressed against a warm body and held tightly, firmly, lovingly, with care. My whole being wants that.

And I don’t want that to have me express misplaced interest in this guy. So, I don’t know that I am fully interested in him, or if his interest in me has my skin aching more than ever to be held and touched. (And I don’t even mean this sexually. My brain cannot even get there, it has been so focused on that my body might have found someone to hold it.)

That being said, I don’t like most people touching me, really, especially not so intimately as holding me would be. So, I feel like that alone speaks volumes to my potential interest in this guy as a companion/partner. Plus – and this is not to be mean or superficial, but merely to state what’s so – he is not super physically fit, and he is not too near the bodies that typically attract me. My attraction to this guy truly was all about him and who he is as a person, fitness and sexiness aside. Sure, if he sticks it out at our gym, he will be extremely fit and ultra sexy in that fitness. But, for the moment, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him, in some way or other, since he first smiled at me. I don’t have that feral desire to rip his clothes off. I just want to be near him, with him, held by him. I want to talk and snuggle and take a nap with him…

I want to push him over when I walk past him at the gym, and he’s about to pick up a barbell. (I joked the other day about how I had had a sudden urge to do that to him when I’d passed by, and he had said that I should have done it.)

(Also, I’m ovulating right now. Only the truly great ones pass that test… just something to keep in mind.)

He held my hand briefly tonight. I don’t know why it was only briefly. Possibly because I spoke my mind about noticing how starved I was for physical touch from this past year, and that I felt like I might cry, it felt so wonderful to have some. Possibly because our hands were starting to sweat, and I had already talked about my distaste for dirty whenever I am clean. I’m hoping it was more the latter. Frankly, I was just thinking yesterday how one of the things I missed about dance was that I didn’t get to have the occasionally slightly-sweaty hand grips with certain people when dancing… that warmth and sweat today was perfect as far as I was concerned. It was just what I’d needed.

Anyway… that was a bit muddled, but I think it still communicated well enough. Mostly, I think I like this guy a lot as a person. My being seems to trust him so much, it wants to be near him, with him. We’ll see how my mind does. Hopefully, it can stay true to itself and not go nuts in panic or anything.

I usually ask permission to touch someone new in my life – physical boundaries are extremely important to me to respect. He was looking up a smoothie place on his phone, and I was looking on with him. I asked if I could touch him – yes, I had already explained that I am touchy and that the permission is important to me – and he told me I could. I leaned gently into his arm, and hooked mine around his. When I leaned my head fully against this shoulder a few moments later, he leaned his cheek down on top of my head. Call it as simple or as small as you like, but beauty and perfection and true joy are often found in the smallest of things. That moment was perfect and worth it all for me. No matter what comes, there was someone who actively held my hand, who actively leaned into me. And I am grateful for that.

Danke, danke, danke schân, mein Leib und mein Gott. ❀ Ich liebe dich so sehr, Welt.

Post-a-day 2021

^Questioned its accuracy after I typed it so easilyπŸ˜‚

Talk about confidence

Why do I end up in many scenarios where I feel so unnoticed that I feel I do not belong, so in the background that I feel unloved, unworthy, unwanted?

I think a big part of it is that I purposely hold myself back. If I stay neutral, in the background, people will have the time to grow accustomed to my presences, however meager it may be, before they have a chance to know me for who I actually am. Thereby decreasing the likelihood of rejection when they face me, the unlike-anyone-I’ve-ever-known powerhouse of a person. A person we never would expect to find hiding uncomfortably in the background. Yet, there I cower oh, so often.

It’s like how I cowered at my gym, feeling I didn’t really belong, because I wasn’t monetarily wealthy or super fit or super strong. Yet, one night, I attended the class of people who weren’t exactly in those categories (bough most of the gym was in one or both), and I saw how I was just…, well, myself. I was talking freely and comfortably, and we were all smiling and laughing and having a really great casual time together… like we all belonged and we all wanted everyone there to be there, exactly as they were. At the time, noticing this helped me learn to talk to ‘the cool guys’ more comfortably and confidently, including the guy on whom I had an undeniable an unrealistic crush. It helped me to remember to treat them like people, not unreachable people. And then the world closed up business shop, and I haven’t seen any of them since. And the gym is now closed permanently, and I’m not sure I’ll ever see them all again, and definitely not all together again.

Now, I find myself looking deeper into that whole experience. It wasn’t that I had a crush on the one guy, nor that I felt I wasn’t supposed to talk o them because I wasn’t strong enough or rich enough. It was because I saw them in a position of power over me, and I saw myself as below and indebted to them. I could not talk truly with them, because it would have been interesting the master’s business, and I would have been possibly beaten and then dismissed from my post. Talk about ridiculous, right? But that’s how it was for me. That’s how it is for me in so many situations in life.

Here, I will help someone and genuinely expect nothing more than some expression of gratitude in return, yet I expect that, in order for anyone to help me, I would have to be indebted to that person for all time, always below a new master, to serve his every whim and demand. In jobs, I submit to the people in charge the same way, like I am an unworthy worm (thinking Hercules quote here) that they might crush at any moment if I do not do exactly as they wish – if they find out who I truly am.

But who am I truly?

I am a child and beautiful creation of God, who loves dearly and with all her being; who wants to do the best job possible, because she cares truly about the results and outcome of her labors; who wants to make the world a better place with every step she takes; who sacrifices with ease, when another is to benefit; who can get any job done, and done quite well; who is honest; who is an inspiration to almost anyone who really gets to know her for real; who blows me away so much that I struggle to believe I really am she, being this amazing and wonderful and awe-inspiring, especially in the midst of each of my life’s struggles… I am a person worth having around, no matter who you are or what you believe. I can make it happen, whatever it is.

And, somehow, I force myself to forget that, and to put myself beneath others, as though I am not even worth a second glance, let alone love and praise and friendship and reliance.

Okay

I am working on this now. I am worth so much more Han hiding in the background, even if I am at the mercy of someone’s whims as to whether I get or keep a job. I can always find another – I know that now. And the universe will help me, if I am being my true self. And it will send me to better and better places every step of the way forward…, because those are the places I belong, where I get to be myself. And nowhere else.

Perhaps that is why I have felt so out of place so often… perhaps I am out of place, and something better awaits my noticing.

Post-a-day 2020

Ouch

Well, my bum hurts… a lot… (Okay, now I am laughing, because that just sounds so totally charged with sexual innuendo, and get it is absolutely not one bit sexual.) So, the showerhead broke, because it’s actually made of plastic at the part where it screws onto the pipe, and it just kind of split. That means that, despite the double and triple efforts of duct taping the pipe and connection piece, a bunch of water comes out of the duct tape instead of the showerhead itself, making the water flow significantly decreased from usual. To stand under the full water flow – from the showerhead and the leaking part combined – one must stand directly beneath the pipe and showerhead, as opposed to out in front, as would be the place to stand under normal circumstances.

Now, imagine showering in this setting, and dropping a bar of soap. You squat down carefully to pick up the bar, and stand back up at a rather normal standing up speed… only to have your bum suddenly be on fire after hearing a loud clanking and feeling a big bash on your backside – you have just perfectly slammed and scraped your backside upward against and across the large bathtub faucet… the faucet that typically is a couple feet behind you when you’re showering, thereby rendering you shocked and confused at first… but then you recall the leaky water situation, and realize that you had not at all factored that into the squatting and standing back up scenario…

That was, essentially, the portrait of me last night. I now have an inch-long cut, a two point five inch-long red line on either side of it, a few deep red spots around it, and a bruised and lighter red area of about two point five inches by one inch to hold it all together. And it still burns, 24 hours after the incident even happened, let alone the dull pain of the hit’s bruise.

So, yeah, my butt hurts.

I actually couldn’t even put on my underwear all the way for quite a while last night, the skin burned so much from the cut (which had bled a surprising amount, considering so much of the butt is fat and all). And I couldn’t sit normal or lie down either for a long while. Instead of going to bed as I had planned, I stayed up and watched a film on the sofa, sitting on my side, allowing the cut to close up enough safely with the medicine, as well as stop hurting so much that I couldn’t let anything touch it.

Now, it is mostly just a matter of not letting anything rub across the skin there, nor pushing too hard against the area. Otherwise, it is doing rather well, and really just keeps reminding of my other butt injury this year, in which, while fixing a wedgie, my fingernail caught the skin at the base of my spine and top of my butt, right in the middle, and scraped off a whole inch-ish-long chunk. Yes, a chunk. It bled a lot, and all over my underwear – such a weird situation that one was(!).

Basically, I’m just wondering how many more of these absolutely ridiculous butt injuries I am going to be causing myself the rest of this year… or even my life. The last was in January in Japan, and this one is August in Southeast Texas. What will happen in another six-ish months, pray?

πŸ˜›

…………….

In a totally separate note, I received official word this morning that my gym is closing at the end of this month, permanently. He had too many people drop memberships and all, so it is the safe and smart thing for him to do financially for himself and his family (the owner, I mean). While it is conceptually heartbreaking, I realize that my intense depression last month was very much regarding the fact that, while most everyone else was back at the gym as usual, and I was staying home because it was what we were told was the safest idea for the time besting in our city, I had a feeling that I wasn’t just missing out for now, but that I was missing out for good – that I wouldn’t ever be going back to the gym. Being upset over this idea as being real seemed irrational of me at the time, which only added to the sense of loss and the depression. However, now that I am on the other side of the depression and intense struggle, I have now dealt with the relevant concerns that were at its root…, including the idea of my never going back to that particular gym again. So, while the news is, well, new, I have already gone through the emotional turmoil of not being able to go to the gym ever again, so I don’t feel any need to go through it again – I’ve already handled that one!

Yes, it is sad that the gym is closing – it was a spectacular space filled with love and support that made huge impacts on many lives, mine included. However, it is both a new opportunity for the owner, as well as for me. As “High School Musical” so happily belted out for me tonight, it’s the start of something new – and I can feel it, and I am ready this time. πŸ™‚

Post-a-day 2020

And another…

Well, another song has come into being by my hands.

And I like this one, too.

No, it is not so love-overflowing and happy and hopeful as the first, but it is still honest, and, while it hurts some, it is releasing…, cathartic, in a way…, and it offers hope.

Tomorrow morning, I will do my first of two workouts for the day, then I will start work on yet another song as part of my homework (due at 4:30pm tomorrow), then do another workout for lunch, and be delighted in the accomplishment of my one-year relationship – the only anniversary I’ve ever had – with the gym.

I am excited for tomorrow, and I am grateful for today.

God, help me to be true to myself and thereby share and create true love in the World.

Amen

Post-a-day 2020

Wow

Today, I wanted to ask out a guy at the gym.

But then, I noticed, too, that I was potentially interested in going out with this other guy at the gym.

And then there was the one with whom I’d always been in teenager love…, though I was kind of over it due to his utter lack of availability and interest…

And, on that note, there’s this other guy who has some shared background but a totally different occurrence in the world than the first guy, and I kind of would be interested in going out with this guy…

So, I had had it in my head that I might ask out this one guy, if the opportunity presented itself – I even had the conversation ready.

I was ready, and over embarrassment.

But then, I got distracted in my other distractions.

If I want to date all of these guys, I just don’t see its being a good idea… when is it ever a good idea to make the rounds of dating guys in any place we go regularly?

I don’t need to be dating everyone at the gym.

And then, what’s more, there is the chance – slight but there, nonetheless – of the first guy becoming available and interested… I fear I would drop this guy I was planning to ask out immediately, if the huge crush guy were suddenly available…

if that is the case, then is it fair for me to date him at all, when I already know I would choose someone else, when given the opportunity?

It’s kind of like offering a cute guy, and then offering Brad Pitt… kind of hard to resist…, though this one is much more likely to happen than Brad Pitt to show up… anyway…

It just doesn’t seem fair, to me… it would be unfair to both guys, I think.

And so, I was relieved a bit when the opportunity did not present itself – i.e. I did not have the easy chance of speaking to him alone today – and I did not ask this guy out.

Tonight, telling my mom about the silliness of it, she mentioned something simple yet somewhat profound for me.

She said that, before, I was not complete about things with myself – physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, and also in terms of comfort and what I might want in a relationship – nor was I complete about things that had happened to me… Now that I am complete about all of that, I am open to dating – emotionally, psychologically, physically, and mentally – and am interested in dating… that is I want to date.

Not just anyone, of course, but I am not opposed to it for some under-layered, hidden, or absurd reason anymore… Before, I think I probably couldn’t date… Now, I can.

And I want to do so.

And I’m okay with it not going anywhere long-term… which, by the way, is a huge deal for me to be thinking.

I’m happy to learn about one another by spending time together, and thereby evaluating if we want to pursue a relationship of some sort, be it friendship or a dating relationship.

I want to spend time with people, with men, even, one-on-one.

And I’m not afraid of admitting that – and it doesn’t feel like admitting anything, actually, because nothing is out of place in the want… all is well. πŸ™‚

So, perhaps, I will end up on a date (or million) in the near future…

Yes… maybe, let’s date, y’all. πŸ˜‰

Post-a-day 2020

Friday Night

Usually spent with friends in bars or clubs, or at least hanging out at someone’s house or apartment, Friday night is a busy one for adults my age…

And yet, how do I spend it?

Mostly sitting on the floor in the corner of my bedroom, next to my phone (which is plugged into the wall), listening to an audiobook that I can’t seem to stop without immense struggle…

It is that good.

And yet, it is also rather intense and somewhat frightening at times, leaving me slightly paranoid at every sound I hear around me…

But it is oh, so good…

And I have no idea why I prefer an audiobook to going out dancing, especially when I had just said at the gym this evening that I must need to go dancing, since I’ve been dancing around to all the music at the gym lately…, but perhaps it is because I don’t have to put forth any effort for it, but dancing would require social interaction, driving, physical movement in dancing, and then also money…., and reading this book is free of monetary charge….

It takes only my time and my sense of safety and ease. πŸ˜›

Anyway…, I’m super tired, so I’m going to sleep now (the only reason I could get myself to turn off the book).

And then I can get up all the earlier to listen to more of the book before going to the gym (I know, I go to the gym a lot these days, but it is part of taking care of myself). πŸ˜›

Post-a-day 2020

The return of the cold

Today was really cold… And it was raining… And I only have my bike (Vespa) now…. so that kind of sucked.

But I bought – at long last, though out of immediate necessity today – a rain suit, so that helped tremendously…, but it was still cold out there, riding.

Burr…

Fun fact: My body is getting closer and closer to working normally again… though I was spider-crawling up the stairs, and sliding down them this morning, I was able to do almost the whole workout today at the gym, and my knees feel almost normal now, as I am getting ready for bed.

I mean, I won’t be able to run in the morning, and I probably still won’t be able to squat all the way or rest on my knees for another several days, but I at least will be able to walk without hobbling or being in pain.

So, that’s really cool.

It’ll leave my only main issue as going to the bathroom: every time I have to pull down it up my pants/underwear, it’s like a hammer to my bruised right leg… burr…

Also, another fun fact: I got a hug from a new person today… and it was lovely to have. πŸ™‚

I love hugs, and I’ve kind of been wanting, possibly needing, hugs this week…, so this was perfectly timed and somewhat out of the blue, making it all the better and more loving.

Makes me wonder how I can be more loving to those around me on the regular… hmm… I’ll think on that one tonight while I do some henna… yes…

Post-a-day 2019