I think I have worked out some of the concern around my exercise and desperate motivations. Unfortunately, it is ridiculously hot these days, so it is looking as though my only logical option is to get up for the now-imaginary 5:15am classes again on the weekdays for my regular. Of course, it is almost midnight right now, but I have a laser hair removal session in the morning, so I won’t be able to work out in the afternoon – morning is my only option tomorrow.
My head hurts, my upper neck is aching, my mouth is somewhat dry, and I can barely hold my body up and keep my eyes open…, yet I am extremely satisfied.
I somewhat spontaneously called a friend of mine who lives in Australia, and we had a lovely nonsense hangout chat while he grocery shopped (until his phone battery practically died).
Turns out that he hasn’t been doing a great job on managing his physical fitness this past year-ish, and so we might just have become check-in buddies for one another’s fitness.
While I am still super fit, technically, I haven’t been working out lately, and I really want to get myself back into it.
Having someone else work together with me, in a way, could be a wonderful step for this for me.
I was just thinking today and yesterday how I missed having a gym buddy, and how I kind of wanted a new one somehow…, and, perhaps, here one might be.
And, as he said, it also would be helpful for us in terms of putting us in regular, frequent contact again.
Long-distance friendships take effort, but they especially require both parties to be at least somewhat aware of the time difference… when only one friend knows the time difference, it adds for lots of confusion and little actual talking. 😛
So, anyway, we might have weekly check-ins with one another now regarding fitness…, and I think it might be just what I need and want right now.
Today, I did the Memorial Day workout entitled “Murph”. It was, I have been told, the favorite workout of Navy Lieutenant Michael Patrick Murphy, 29, of Patchogue, N.Y. He called it “Body Armor”. It is very difficult, to say the least.
This was my second time doing it, and I had to do it solo. But I did it, and I loved it, of course!
I even got to be creative to do ring rows with a pair of jeans in a tree!
Afterward, I was talking with my friend who had been my gym buddy, but who is moving to VA this week. She decided to do it herself (despite having told me “No way!” all last week), since she hadn’t done much since ending her gym membership in March. So, I rode with her for her two runs, and kept count of all of her other movements for her. We actually had a great time just chatting while she did her work-out, and then hanging for a bit afterward on my porch.
Then, I finally went and gorged on healthy food and drink, and continued listening to an audiobook that I am loving!
Mile 1: 9:16
Partitioned ring rows, knee push-ups, and air squats like crazy
Mile 2: 11:01
Mile 1: 8:58
No partitioning, ring rows, Regular push-ups, and air squats
Mile 2: 9:19
Holy snap… That’s a nine-minute difference, I did a harder version, and I definitely was not as wiped out at the end! I also was extremely consistent with my movements throughout there work-out, and my breathing was rather steady. For example, when I did the push-ups, every set of 50 lasted almost exactly three minutes, and my breathing didn’t grow almost any more intense by the end of them than it had been at the start of them.
When my friend finished hers, she said that she missed the feeling of hating a workout and then finishing it… that feeling of accomplishing something that had felt impossible at the outset.
I knew exactly what she meant – it’s a feeling I love and a thing I love about our gym.
Yesterday, I was oxen the glorious opportunity of seeing a friend of mine complete an online challenge…
***Small tangent: You see, everyone has been – and by everyone, I mean a lot of people, not actually everyone – doing various challenges in their homes, and, upon completion, challenging someone else (often multiple someone elses) to complete the same challenge.
The ones I have seen have ranged all over the pace, including but not limited to juggling a toilet paper roll like a soccer ball, doing ten push-ups and nominating ten people to do them, doing 25 push-ups, singing a praise and worship song, chugging a beer, and doing specific hand motions to a fast song without being allowed to practice… to name one more than a few. ***End of small tangent
Today, I woke up focused and ready to complete my task, to complete this challenge with which my friend had presented me yesterday… hoping, at the very least, that I could complete it, for it was not an easy one…
Now, what was this challenge, you may wonder… I divulge:
The pants-less challenge: Either take off or put on a pair of pants, without using your hands, while holding a handstand.
Of course, that’s the kind of challenge you get when you have acrobatic friends who find it funny that everyone is working from home in pajamas most days right now, and who imagine that a good chunk of everyone is at home with no pants on, since there is no one to see…
So, anyway, my friend did it with her onesie, which I found somehow hilarious, and so I elected to do the same with a onesie of my own.
Hers was a panda, and the one I selected for the task was a rainbow unicorn… equally suiting to our personalities, in a way…
It took many efforts – perhaps close to ten – for me to figure out how truly to make everything work and then actually to do what I had worked out to do… I can’t hold a handstand, – just pop up onto one and then come almost immediately back down – so I knew I would have to use a wall… behind that, though, all the rest of the strategy had to come from giving it a try and seeing what happened, finding out from trial and error a bit as to what works and what doesn’t.
Eventually, after lots of practice and a short break, I went all-out and got it(!!).
Super silly, and I could hardly stop laughing, this challenge was so much fun.
I had been thinking at every challenge how unchallenging it really seemed to me to be, and how not-very-entertaining each one was…, ‘These are lame challenges,’ was a common thought from me… but not on this challenge – it was not only interesting, but kind of crazy, a tad scandalous, challenging, it made me think, and it was totally fun.
I loved it.
Feel free to give it a try in your own home – though no video is required, you might enjoy reminiscing immediately with what is likely to be some comical footage… and you might want to share it, anyway, even if you utterly fail… 😛
Wishing you loads of fun and silliness right now – laughter is, indeed, an amazing medicine. 😉
Let’s talk for a minute about how we live into the future…
You know, on any given weekend, Sunday is kind of the sucky day of the weekend, because we are acutely aware of having to go back to business Monday morning… and then, if we have a vacation coming up, we’re overjoyed and excited all the time, all throughout the day, even if it is Monday morning, and we have work to do…, because our vacation is soon(!)… The boring meeting right now has no power over our cruise that starts Saturday morning…
In that sense, we live into our future, right?
So, for me, I need to be around people – I need to have my solo time, but I also need to be with people, really be with them… a friend(?) recently mentioned the term “ambivert” to me, and I like it… it very well describes my situation with all of this being extroverted and introverted…, which people almost never seem to understand, by the way…
Anyway, I need people in my life.
For the past two weeks, I have been living with very few people in my daily life… it was enough to get me by last week and the start of this week, but then the working from home this week has crushed all interactions with people in my daily life now…
However, I had work to get me through the week, e-mails to exchange, interactions (though cyber) guaranteed to be had throughout the day…
But tomorrow is Saturday… I have no work, no e-mails, no semblance of human interaction…
And I am miserable… I almost – scratch the almost, I feel like weeping, I am filled with such an experience of stress and of being unloved…
There is that beautiful quote of, “I have called you by name; you are mine,” and, though it is used initially as defining a part of the relationship between God and humanity, I feel it applies to how we interact with all things and beings in our life… when I have called you by name, given you a name of my own, I have given you a place in my heart, and you are dear to me – in some way or other, you are mine.
When people interact with me, call me by name, I often am filled with the love that is present in our relationship, whatever that relationship may be… essentially, when people interact so directly with me, I feel and experience their love for me.
In contrast, when people do not interact with me directly…, I sometimes lose sight of that love…, I sometimes begin to convince myself that the love has faded, and that I am left to myself, to be loved by no one else…
And the experience of that always sucks.
Just saying, it does.
And I know that my love is enough, and I know that the pieces of God that reside within me are enough to sustain me and fill me in every way…
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck to feel unloved by the rest of the world.
I know I will be okay… I will be far more than okay…
I’m just letting myself experience this overwhelming feeling of sick right now, so that, in acknowledging it, in allowing the intense, hiding yet ebbing emotions to express, I am able to let it all go, to release it all in a cathartic convulsing of body and searing tears…
It is already late tonight, but I know that I will go to bed in an intentionally much improved state…, and I will get out of bed in the morning and take care of myself – I will play music and make art and work my body as hard as it needs to release anything else that might remain in the morning… if I cannot focus my love on others, perhaps there is something missing in my love for myself, something on which I would do well to improve… I am worth loving, and I know that and experience that with my whole being… even when I stray to wonder at its being true…
Nonetheless, I will take care of myself… I will do what I wish others would do to show their love for me, because I love me, and I am worth being loved (and even lavished), and being all alone for so long and for so much foreseeable future is scary right now…
But perhaps it is this problem exactly that has me in this situation… perhaps I need to grow more comfortable with providing all the love on my own, so that I become fully clear and comfortable in the fact that I do not need the others’ love – I merely want it.
As I was thinking in a dreamed conversation just today, do you really want to be with someone who needs you?… Would you really choose that over being with someone who wants to be with you?
I have said it before, and it still holds true entirely, I want to be with someone – in all my relationships, really – who doesn’t need me, but who wants to be with me nonetheless… who wants not to be without me, and so chooses to be with me.
It is in times of these feelings of isolation that I wonder where the people in my life stand on this spectrum, to what degrees they want me in their lives…
I have yet to find the far edge of the spectrum of wanting me…, but perhaps it will come some day… soon…
Anyway, I’m off to clean up and get ready for bed, now that I’ve finished this whole cry fest… who would have thought that Friday night and an entirely open weekend ahead could be so upsetting??
Anyway, this was how I spent my evening: eating fancy stew straight from the pot, while watching the first half of one of my favorite films, which was just recently gifted to me for my birthday, all while detachedly wondering about something that won’t seem to leave me alone lately… (I mean, what are you gonna do, right?… it’s like when a song gets stuck in my head… just let it ride, and it eventually will be replaced by something [hopefully] better, you know?)
Okay, I think I need to get back on the “Hannah has a totally absurd and almost stupid diet” train again…
I’ve been kind of upset lately to varying degrees, ranging from slight annoyance to total disappointment, regarding my physical fitness.
I’ve found these gorgeously fit people, you see, and, while I love having them in my life, it has made me acutely aware of every thing I consume and of how far away I am from being anywhere near their level or the level at which I truly want to be with my own physical fitness.
Part of me just feels like it isn’t in the cards for me to be at the point I truly want… and more so in that it seems like it would take what I currently consider to be an unnatural and extreme degree of control and monitoring of every single food and beverage I consume, combined with intense and strict exercise plans at all times in my life…, than about that it isn’t physically possible.
I genuinely think it is possible to have the belly I want.
It just seems like so much work, combined with a degree of impracticality for sustaining it… and I worry I would feel even worse having obtained it and let it go than by not ever having had it…
But then…, well, isn’t that just a way to avoid doing work under the guise of something else, and is it not just a way for me to avoid putting myself in an exposed and vulnerable situation?… and in a potential amazing situation…?
As Marianne Williamson suggested, am I really just afraid of how amazing I would be, if I truly went for it?
The fact that my eyes are tearing at this last thought suggests a powerful affirmative…
I am afraid of being so spectacular and still being unloved, rejected, not good enough… at least now, at my not best, being rejected and unloved can have an excuse of my not being at my best…
But who I truly am, underneath it all and at my source as a being on this planet and in this life, that being wants me to do it, to go for it, and to be my best…
Okay… let’s do this somehow… I love you, and I know you can do it…, and so do you. 🙂
Okay, I think I need to go to Italy.
At this point, the only thing left would be for someone to meet me and offer me a place to stay in Italy, in order for my trip to be made certain.
(That, or someone offering me passage to Italy…, though I had kind of planned on managing that one myself, I don’t mind letting someone else handle it… again…[I just remembered that I actually did have a free trip to Italy that one time I went for a long weekend…yes… anyway…])
Italy just keeps popping up around me: in conversations unbidden, in my calendar (it is a page-a-day with Italian phrases and culture, and it genuinely was the only one on Amazon that seemed even remotely interesting… I mean seriously, Amazon?), in a whole handful of conversation partners reaching out, in comments from others, and even in the book I spontaneously started reading today (It’s the first in a series and it has “gelato” in the title, but the second book has nothing Italian about the title, and that‘s the one that got me interested in reading the series!), where the girl up and moves to Italy from the US… I mean…. wow… the world really wants Italia to be on my mind right now.
And so, I am letting it.
I am embracing all the Italia I can, and am beginning to look for more around me.
I have a friend to whom I plan to reach out (not in the middle of the night) about finding a conversation partner/tutor here in town, I have begun a challenge on Duolingo, I am reaching out to the online conversation partner offers, and I have a whole plan for how to practice my Italian.
What’s funny is that, whenever I ask the whole “Why now?” to the world, though I get no distinct answer, I suddenly start thinking of what it might be like there, and I think of all the Italian men, and I suddenly have an almost overwhelming thought of, “Well, I can probably handle the Italian men now,” and I suddenly have my answer.
I just wasn’t ready for Italian men before.
Now, I actually am ready to take them on and run my own way.
If you don’t know anything about Italian men, I don’t have the words to teach you much about them, nor can I fully speak on them, for I have not truly spent time with them in Italy.
However, everything I have been told about them from others has proven exactly true with the Italian men I’ve come to know here… even just the Italian heritage ones… oof… anyway.
So, now, I think I’m about ready to take them on, and, by the time I actually get there, I’ll have had enough mental prep (and physical prep from the gym) to take them with a grain of salt, and to smile about it. 😉
This is going to be fun and absolutely amazing – I can feel it in the humidity around me… yes…
Italia awaits… me. 😀
P.S. And I don’t mean just for a short visit – we’re talking a month plus here…. just FYI.
I regularly wonder, whenever a seemingly crazy scenario arises, why such a thing must be happening.
There must be some reason I am not meant to do such-and-such.
And, oftentimes, at least when I ask the Universe and God, “Why do you need it to be this way?”, something crazy comes out of it all.
Like with crazy traffic lights that won’t let me get to practice on time, despite my leaving early enough and at the usual time… I wonder if there is some cray accident that happened right where I would have been, had I been on time…, because I tend to get situations like that, and often…
Something goes crazy out of whack and just doesn’t make sense… until it suddenly makes perfect sense, due to some crazy scenario on the other end of it.
Today, I ended up stupidly sick – it appeared out of nowhere last night, as I was going to bed around 9pm, so I could get up early to attend the 5:15am workout class – and so missed going to Galveston for the day, and missed seeing my morning workout buddies at the early morning class, as planned.
I have been kind of avoiding the afternoon classes, because I didn’t really want to be around all the gorgeous and fit people when I’m feeling so unfit and fat-filled after my trip – I wanted to get some classes in in the mornings first, and then start seeing the afternoon gorgeous folk all again.
Nonetheless, when I got horribly sick, I knew I wouldn’t make it to the morning class today.
I had said that I needed to attend class every weekday this week, so I needed to go, but this sickness had me concerned I wouldn’t be able to go at all today.
When, around 2:30pm, I felt myself in extremely high energy, compared to the rest of the day so far, I knew that I was going to the 4:30pm class… it was during sunlight hours, so I would be riding only in the sunlight and not at night, when it would be loads colder, and I wasn’t guaranteed to feel alive and able for more than just a few hours, anyway, so waiting for a later class was just plain stupid – I needed the very next class possible, so I could get the workout done and, if needed, get back to bed ASAP.
And that next class was 4:30pm.
As I considered this fact, that I would be attending the one class I had kind of purposely been avoiding the past several days, I asked the Universe and God why they were determined that I attend this class.
I guess it’s meant to be, I thought.
The moment I walked into the gym, I knew that it was.
The friends I had met last week and whom I had invited to come check out and hopefully join our gym were standing in the gym.
The husband was talking right in front of me to the super sexy guy, and the wife was across the room, talking to the owner, but facing me – I saw her immediately as I entered, and she saw me… we both smiled huge smiles.
Okay… I get it.. thank you…, though can we acknowledge that this sickness totally sucks?… But yes, I know it had to suck so badly in order to keep me home this morning and until now…::sigh…but it still totally sucks… ugh…haha
***[Gross warning: avoid this paragraph, if you are sensitive to bodily function stuff]***
I mean, I was crying and choking and gagging from all the burning throat and horrible huge masses of golden and bloody mess that kept being (purposely) drawn down my nasal cavity and into my throat to be hacked out… and then I would gag again at what lay before me in the sink half the time… it was terrible…
So things did work out beautifully by getting sick and then going to that class today.
And it was a great time and a great workout; plus, super sexy guy was, as usual, super sexy and lovely. 😛
And my friends seemed really to like the workout – I can totally see them joining and totally loving it.
As for the sickness, it is still hurting me, but in an improved state of pain from last night’s and this morning’s states, which is good.
Here’s hoping for a super restful night that leaves me incredibly capable all day and evening tomorrow (when I have school class).
The other day, I received what I thought was a final effort from the laser hair removal place to advertise their extended Black Friday sales.
I didn’t fully read the subject line, since only the beginning shows up on my phone without opening the actual e-mail, but I saw the sender, and so opened it to see if their Cyber Monday piece to their Black Friday sales was anything worth noting.
I scrolled down, searching for the expected pricing options, but couldn’t find any… the e-mail wasn’t making any sense, somehow.
Where were the Cyber Monday discounts I expected to see inside this e-mail?
I was processing what on Earth this e-mail was from the laser hair removal place for Cyber Monday and Christmas Presents….
I read the bottom piece first, and hen went tot he top of the screen to see if I could make sense of it all…
Like What does that have to do with hair removal….? Does the hair really make that big of a difference for people? And what does it have to do with having babies….?
I was completely lost in this e-mail.
I needed to start from the beginning again.
And then I scroll up to see this:
And then super sexy guy at the gym walks in the door, we look each other right in the eyes, and I feel like my face turns bright red.
I say hi to him, somehow able to talk, despite my brain still being in the middle of processing this whole e-mail thing, and simultaneously panicking that he definitely can read my mind and the e-mail currently showing on my phone, and he knows exactly what I’m contemplating at the moment (i.e. vaginas and babies and sex)…, even though he 100% has no way of knowing what I’m thinking unless I were to tell him, and he is too far away to see my phone.
I can’t bring myself to share with him the embarrassment I am feeling, and so I message my friend who gyms with me (and who, of course, knows how firmly I stand on the belief that this guy is the most gorgeous and attractive person I have ever known in real life), and tell her what has just happened.
She laughs at the part where the super sexy guy walks in, and then asks simply, “Is it the vagina steamer?”
I laugh something terrible in the inside, and tell her, “Didn’t even get that far,” because I didn’t, and she laughs once again.
Of course she knows all about this thing of which I had never even heard.
Eventually, I start smiling, as my embarrassment fades and my logic finally wins against my panicked insanity, and I finally can enjoy the hilarity of the situation, as opposed to only knowing it to be hilarious without actually feeling anything beyond panic and embarrassment. 😛
Today was really cold… And it was raining… And I only have my bike (Vespa) now…. so that kind of sucked.
But I bought – at long last, though out of immediate necessity today – a rain suit, so that helped tremendously…, but it was still cold out there, riding.
Fun fact: My body is getting closer and closer to working normally again… though I was spider-crawling up the stairs, and sliding down them this morning, I was able to do almost the whole workout today at the gym, and my knees feel almost normal now, as I am getting ready for bed.
I mean, I won’t be able to run in the morning, and I probably still won’t be able to squat all the way or rest on my knees for another several days, but I at least will be able to walk without hobbling or being in pain.
So, that’s really cool.
It’ll leave my only main issue as going to the bathroom: every time I have to pull down it up my pants/underwear, it’s like a hammer to my bruised right leg… burr…
Also, another fun fact: I got a hug from a new person today… and it was lovely to have. 🙂
I love hugs, and I’ve kind of been wanting, possibly needing, hugs this week…, so this was perfectly timed and somewhat out of the blue, making it all the better and more loving.
Makes me wonder how I can be more loving to those around me on the regular… hmm… I’ll think on that one tonight while I do some henna… yes…