Tootsie: Roll Film

Okay, I watched the film “Tootsie” tonight.  It was lovely. I already liked Dustin Hoffman a lot beforehand.  Now, while watching and after seeing this film, I love his work even more.  Definitely a fan over here.  And, really, I was quite surprised – though not at all surprised, really, because my experience has always included things like this all throughout my life – that this was a film done in the early 80s.  Several comments and many ideas presented in it are ones where countless people seem to struggle terribly still today.  For me, these ‘difficult topics’ were always no-brainers, and super simple and easy topics.  That’s the family into which I was born and by which I was raised.  But, I think, most people were not born to such families, and so those traditional ‘difficult topics’ and still difficult for them, decades later, generations later.

Anyway, I highly recommend the film as a fun watch and a supremely delightful mini-adventure.  Dorothy is a very believable character, and I often had to remind myself that, given the true circumstances, such and such scene is intended to be extremely awkward for Michael…, but I regularly forgot that Michael was there at all – he was that good and enrolling in the roll.  Confused? Watch the film.  😉

P.S. I also love particularly Bill Murray’s earlier acting, and it was a fabulous surprise to see him in the opening scenes of the film! (Yay!)  And I loved the photo shoot scene – it got me super excited about doing one of my own some day soon!

Post-a-day 2020

Matthew McConaughey

I remember seeing the film The Wedding Planner when I was little. I didn’t think the main guy was attractive. At some point later on in life, when I mentioned that, I was questioned with shock at how I could possibly think that Matthew McConaughey wasn’t just totally gorgeous and attractive. I considered this with surprise – Matthew McConaughey was the guy in that film? When I had seen him in other films, I found him extremely attractive. Why would I have formed such an opinion of him from this particular movie? Had my tastes in men not developed enough at that point in my life for me to recognize his beauty? Possibly. Because I knew that I had formed the opinion myself – it hadn’t been influenced by anyone else. I remembered that much for sure. But I didn’t know what had done it for me.

Now, another set of years later, I have rewatched the film. And I know exactly why I found him so unattractive. Because it was the same this time. His hair color. It was horrible. It looked like box-yellow blonde, and it suited him not in the least. With his gorgeous brunette, he looks spectacular. With that boxy yellow, I had trouble focusing on his face and not on the yellow. I have a strong feeling that the childhood Hannah had the same struggle. Because there is no denying that face. But there is definitely denying of that yellow hair.

So, yeah… there’s that. Hope I haven’t offended too many people with that discovery and sharing of it. 😛

P.S. I hear that Matthew McConaughey teaches acting classes to super-serious upperclass theatre majors at UT (University of Texas at Austin). That’s baller. I’d love to witness one of those classes. Not for the fan part, but because I think it would be awesome to witness anyone so a part of a trade teaching that trade to those who long to follow in their footsteps. It would be really awesome to be a part of that, even just as a spectator. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Capisco

Sometimes, I feel it is the people who have known me the least in person who know me the most. I was thinking about how, today, I was messaging with my buddy in Italy. We haven’t been in much contact the past month or two, mostly because he has been in a big planting season – I think it was planting… oops – and has been working really long, rough hours, and sleeping when he can. But he let me know this would be the case, so I haven’t worried much about it. Anyway, we were messaging today – it has been a more frequent thing the past week or two – and I found myself just suddenly sharing with him about some of my book-writing concerns.

You see, I know I can tell stories, and I know I can write. Yet, I keep not writing for a book. Not officially or directly, anyway. And I was suddenly blurting out the concerns I have around that today. Why? Because it seemed like he was the person who could hear me the best. Despite ay risks of its being lost in translation, of course. 😛 But seriously, it felt like he could respond in a way that wouldn’t give me the excuses that other people in my life might give me. Nothing about why I probably haven’t done it or about how life has gotten in the way or anything like that. He couldn’t feed me any of my own excuses. And that might be because he has been around me the least. He knows the daily me the least, if that makes sense. Because we have had such a low-risk friendship, we have been open in ways that have kept our personal excuses out of the mix, and almost entirely so.

And so, I shared my concerns and how I’m not writing yet, and he asked a couple questions or so, which I answered. And then he just told me to do it. If I want to do it for myself, then do it. If it isn’t for myself, then don’t do it. But, if it is for myself, then go for it, and get started – do what I need to do to make the beginning happen, and now. Just as we say here, he reminded me of the ideas that 1) life is short, and 2) it is better to have regrets for things we’ve done than remorse for those we never attempted. I do not want to live a life unexamined – I want to live a life well-lived, and true to myself.

And part of that is writing books. So, novels, here we come.

P.S. They might be more like novellas, or novelettes, just FYI… I’m not sure they’ll be long Twilights or Harry Potters. ;P

Post-a-day 2020

Normal life, again

Reading the epilogue of a book tonight, I found myself smiling and marveling at one of the ideas presented by the man to his love. He is giving her money to live a life she never anticipated or even hoped to pursue, because he wants her “to live”. He doesn’t mean, he says, that she needs to be jumping off tall buildings or swimming with whales – though he very much likes the idea of imagining her doing just that – just that he wants her to live life fully, out in the world as a full participant in it.

I was truly marveling at how amazing that would be… her going out and bungee jumping off a tall building and swimming with whales. That any average girl (well, woman) would have done such things, and that it inevitably would be a surprise to anyone who found out about it, because she was just so normal a person – as opposed to an obvious thrill-seeker or adventure type, I mean. How amazing that would be if I could ever have my life be such that I could go do such things.

And then I had a thought that rather shocked me, and that I mentally sputtered over: I have.

My eyes wide, I searched my inner head for clarification on the thought that had just popped up. I already have done that…. both of those…

And then, clear as day, I saw how I truly had actually done both of those things… and I’d forgotten about them. I see myself and my life as so utterly normal, even I forgot that I had pursued such adventures. Now, to be fair, the bungee jumping was more like jumping off of a tall platform led structure than a downtown skyscraper or anything. Though, I’m not too sure it’s safe or possible to bungee off those buildings in the first place… anyway…. But that was in college. I helped a small group of folks go, and it was a total blast. And, for the whales, I have to check to verify that they count as whales. They were whale sharks, you see. One even ran right into me, and I got to feel he fellow, skin to skin, while we meandered together in the waters.

**Okay, I just verified: They are sharks. So, in a way, that part is even more shocking: I’ve swum with sharks. And not while in cages. Haha. Frightening, really. But perhaps it would be even more frightening to swim with something two, three, or four times the size… with perhaps several of them around. Hmm… how could I have that happen safely in my life? Goals… 😉

Anyway… when did I turn into this person? This person who adventures so easily, she hardly even considers herself as someone who adventures at all? Perhaps that is exactly why I keep feeling like I’m not doing the right things with my life. I feel that I am being unproductive, slow, and not myself…, and it might just be because myself is accustomed to adventure as the casual, the regular, the “Let’s grab lunch next week,” kind of statement – it’s just plain normal. And that’s why pursuing any semblance of normal life never quite feels right.

… Wow…

And that’s why pursuing any semblance of normal life never quite feels right.

Remember that, Banana.

Post-a-day 2020

Progress

I think I have worked out some of the concern around my exercise and desperate motivations. Unfortunately, it is ridiculously hot these days, so it is looking as though my only logical option is to get up for the now-imaginary 5:15am classes again on the weekdays for my regular. Of course, it is almost midnight right now, but I have a laser hair removal session in the morning, so I won’t be able to work out in the afternoon – morning is my only option tomorrow.

Here’s to hoping I make it happen! ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Playing love, not fair

Have you ever come back to something from the past, mostly in a casual comment during a casual conversation, and discovered with surprise that not only are you not over the event but you are actually rather furious about it still? I had that happen tonight while showering. I was considering my struggle to do a workout today, and the friend who helps keep me accountable by my sending her the workouts whenever I finish them. I was imagining a conversation with her, sorting out why I struggle so much to make myself exercise right now, on my own, and determining what was at stake for me, why I want so badly to be so super fit. My motivation, it turns out, has been something along the lines of ‘I’ll show him,’ regarding a guy who judged me strongly, prematurely, and quite unfairly… which, I dare say, even without my recent struggles to exercise easily, I know is not a good enough motivation. I don’t want to have to be that way with anyone. And I don’t want to do things for someone else’s sake, when they really are for my sake. I want to be beautifully fit for me, not for anyone else. Yes, I want others to benefit from my fitness and also the physical beauty of that fitness. No, that is not the reason I want to be fit. And yes, people are granted an opportunity to see what they themselves do not have by not being in a relationship with me, when I am very fit and healthy and well. But none of it matters if I am not happy, myself. And I know I won’t be fit, if I am not happy. And I know being fit for revenge of sorts is no motivator for me – it is mean, shallow, and an easy escape. Rather than deal with any issue at hand for myself, I throw something like revenge out? Not hardly… I know to my deepest core that such an act is not for me, and does not serve me in even the least bit – it only harms and hurts me in the long run, as well as the daily.

And so, I now am re-evaluating two things.

1) What do I need to do to heal and to free myself from the stress regarding this guy who was unfair toward me?

2) What is my true motivation for being fit – why do I actually want what level of fitness?

Those are my tasks for the present, and I look forward with delight to their solutions, but slight fear to the tears I know must be shed to reach such solutions.

Here goes…

Post-a-day 2020

First loves

I found myself thinking again today – after another long conversation with him, that is – of my high school boyfriend. We are certainly clear that we are of no romantic interest to one another anymore, and are fully satisfied in being friends. However, as I explained last night, there is a part of me that is only filled by him, un trou that likely never will be filled fully, as we never will be in a romantic relationship again. And that’s okay with me. What it had me wondering today was about the irony of my not wanting to be like all the world, yet fitting practically perfectly to the stereotype of the adage, “You never forget your first love.”

I never understood that before today, I think. I always wondered why people spoke so fondly of their first loves, yet they had let their first loves get away or disappear from their lives completely – what kind of love is that? Or so I always wondered. I realize now what it likely really is. When we love someone for the first time – even before we might understand what it means to love someone outside of our families – it is exactly the fact that we have never done it before and never experienced it before that it ends up staying with us throughout our lives. Without the opportunity or intention of keeping ourselves safe or preserved or protected, we dive into our first experience of love wholeheartedly, loving with all of our being, however we can find to love. We have no reservations, and no agenda either – we just live purely and truly and openly and fully. We have never lost our love, and so we don’t even try to cling tightly to it, or mistrust our own feelings around it – we simply love.

When the relationship ends, for whatever reason it may be, we have our first lesson in loss. Yet we, after having been so utterly invested in our love, can never hold anything against our first love. No matter how it ended, the experience of the love remains untouched, pure. But the ending of it keeps us forever on our guard, of course. Likely never again will we love in such a way. Never again will we be so reckless with distributing our love, as we may see it. The free love lives forever in that first and only fully free relationship of love, therefore inducing a nostalgic look of longing for yesteryear whenever we find ourselves reminded of our first love. I’m nowhere near old age, but I already experience just that around my first love.

And I am grateful for it.

I have no desire to reestablish that relationship, yet I always will be grateful for the opportunity to love so fully as I did with my first love.

Perhaps, just perhaps, this is a perfect opportunity to consider what value may lie in loving so freely again.

Post-a-day 2020

Ouch

You know, I feel like one of the most annoying parts of menstruation is the intense pain and tenderness that shows up in the breasts. I mean, what purpose does that serve? Genuinely: Does it have a real purpose?

It hurts, it has no obvious purpose, and it is annoying. Plus, at least for me, it has me regularly cupping my breasts, in an effort to ease the pain…, which, of course, is not the most casual or clear way to be not drawing attention to them for nearby males. I almost could feel bad for the poor fellows who have to see women hold their own breasts like this, so gently…, if it weren’t for the fact that we women are doing it purely out of a need to decrease pain and discomfort, and not as a means to draw a guy’s eyes. The fact that it makes guys stare almost doesn’t bother us, because it actually soothes the physical pain to hold them with our warm, gentle hands…, but I said almost…

It is ironic, though, how an effort to decrease one discomfort causes another… 😛

Sigh… anyway, mine hurt, and it has been for days longer than usual this time… ugh.

Now, for some stinted and shallow sleep…

Post-a-day 2020

Ugh…

What is my story right now? Well, I spend my days hanging around, only doing a workout three times a week, and living vicariously through film and shows, while completely alone in the house.

It’s kind of a weird place to be, really – I feel like so much is close to happening in my life, but it also feels so difficult to do anything these days, with nothing really happening already, and no one even to see on any given day…

Ugh… and Benedict Cumberbatch does a spectacular job of making me want a partner in my life – he plays the adorable, slightly crazy, genius smart-ass quite well, and it really makes me want to have my own. 😀

Anyway… the show actually kind of gives me nightmares, so I can’t watch it after dark, and must pointedly watch something happy before bed, so the Sherlock stories don’t get to me too much at bedtime…. As I said before, I think I might be able five years old, sometimes. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Going Gossip Girl crazy

Step One: Fall in love with Blake Lively.

Step Two: Watch Gossip Girl, simply because it stars Blake Lively (but also because I am stuck at home alone and feel like I have no friends, since we aren’t supposed to socialize in real life right now, and watching the show makes me feel like I have friends in whose lives I am invested and everything).

Step Three: Fall in love with Chuck Bass, the character.

Step Four: Fall slightly in love with Ed Westwick, the actor who plays Chuck Bass.

Step Five: Discover that Ed Westwick is actually British, and fall a little bit more in love with him.

Step Six: Pointedly ignore the fact that these are all people I never will meet, be it that they are either fictitious or absurdly famous – whatever the case, they are basically unreachable by me – as well as the fact that I am in love with the character people are supposed to dislike and almost hate.

Step Seven: Daydream middle school obsessively about them all, and even consider putting up posters on my wall of a tanned, slightly unshaven Ed Westwick.

Step Eight: Acknowledge that my love is absurd, determine not to be worried about it, indulge happily, and accept confidently my own silly and delightful absurdity that truly helps to pass the time well.

Step Nine: Do near-absurd levels of research of Ed Westwick interviews online, and enjoy it thoroughly.

Step Ten: Get over it all suddenly and entirely, and move on with ease, almost forgetting that it was ever even a thing, and preparing mentally for whatever shall come next in life and personal fancies. 😛

Gossip Girl Crazy

Post-a-day 2020