Music to my ears

It seems as though I have a bit of unfinished business regarding baritones with spectacular singing abilities. I shall contemplate this further, in order to reach clarity, but it seems as though I either need to have a relationship with one, or I need to have a major completion conversation about them…

I believe I shall say more about this tomorrow, when it is not already 2:05am, and I am not literally aching to be asleep.

Post-a-day 2021

Okay, then, brain…

I have a problem. It is a ridiculous problem, but it is a problem nonetheless.

You see, I wear this awesome fitness clothing. The shorts and leggings show off the shape of my legs and bum quite classily. The bras and tops show off just the right amount of skin. And all the muscles look amazing. And all the right curves are visible in all the right places, when I wear this clothing.

And, to be fully franc, I look amazing in it.

And, whenever I see myself in it all, even I have trouble keeping my cool. Looking down at myself in the fitted (biker style) shorts and leggings is already a bit rough at times. Add onto that seeing myself in the mirror… man…

I don’t mean to be rude or egotistical by any means with this – I am merely sharing what I have noticed and wondered… but how do men handle it, seeing me in this stuff? I can barely handle it, and 1)I’m a heterosexual woman, and 2)it’s my own body.

But those two facts don’t seem to matter much at all to my brain. It’s like, Oh, sh********… and then kind of loses all train of thought. Until I manage to give myself some calming, deep breaths, and can chill myself out, that is. But seriously…

Major ::facepalm here.

I know I work really hard to be my best self, especially physically. But I think I hadn’t really anticipated how doing just that, pursuing my fitness and physique goals, would leave me so, well – though I am a tad embarrassed to say it -, sexy.

Let there be no doubt: I always have wanted to be a sexy woman. And that has been part of my physique goals with my fitness. But I guess I never expected it to have such an effect on me… Please, tell me this is normal. Or, at least, common enough that someone can tell me with confidence from experience that I will grow accustomed to how my body looks, and this unintentional response – if you missed connecting the dots before, it’s arousal – will chill the **** out… Because this is getting stressful, getting so suddenly sexually charged off and on… like all day long…

I guess this is one of those Catch 22s. I want the fitness, but not the arousal for myself, but I can only not have the arousal if I don’t have the fitness.

Ugh… what a bizarre and silly problem to have. Am I right??

Post-a-day 2021

Taking strides

I asked, I prayed, and I meditated on my request last night. I slept with the mala last night, and wore the mala all day today, reminding myself of the intention I set with it, each time I noticed it.

And that was great.

I had breakfast with my dad.

That was great, too.

I reached out to someone who, for whatever reason, kept calling out in my mind for me to contact. A male, yes.

And that, though nothing has come of it, including a response from him, also was great.

And I continued my progress on this coding adventure today, making what felt like major strides. I finished the CSS intro course, and then a coding intro course I had forgotten that I had ever begun (because before HTML basics caught my attention as an option!).

Finishing that felt great.

Then, I began working on an app that the family friend sent me for learning and using Swift, so I can learn to do the coding used for Apple products. That part was a blast. And I apparently am great and a natural at it, because I was doing things that just made sense to me (in order to create the shortest code), and then, in the following lesson, it would ‘teach me’ how to do what I totally had just already done… I was almost always one step ahead of the game.

That all was really great. I had to force myself to stop, using the iPad’s battery depletion as my excuse to have to stop for the day.

I was supposed to go to a yoga class with girls from the gym this evening. But I wasn’t feeling like getting out so late. I was grateful to receive a message declaring a need to reschedule from one of the girls. Woohoo! So, I worked for hours on the Swift program instead.

So, that was awesome.

And I began the reorganization and tidying that I have been very much avoiding for quite some months now (since March). There is still more to do tomorrow, especially, but it feels much mote doable, now that I have actually started it and have a vision for it.

So, that was a great relief, at least.

In other words, my day today was really awesome, and I am extremely grateful for it.

Post-a-day 2021

Asking for help

Why are some things easier to ask for than others? I ask the Universe and God to show me what next to do, that I might find my work that I will love and that will serve the world best. Within days, I am engrossed in a world I had previously believed – and am still not entirely convinced is not – over my head. It wasn’t until a week or so later that it even occurred to me that, yes, I had distinctly and clearly asked, fervently, for this guidance that I had so clearly received.

And so, today, I am having a conversation with the same person who had asked me the other week if I had actually asked for help from God and the Universe regarding my work. He brings up about a boy, asking me if anything has come of that situation. No, it really hasn’t. “If he isn’t on my level, then he isn’t for me,” I reply, “And that’s okay.”

As we get into the fact that I really do want to have someone in my life already, that I’m tired of not having a partner and significant other, I notice that, though I definitely could ask for this situation to arise in my life, I feel an immense hesitation to do it. It only makes sense to ask, especially after the last request I made for help. But something is stopping me. I am stopping me, that is. But why?

I suppose it is the same as always: I am scared. I am scared that I will end up settling, and hat I will miss amazing opportunities because I picked someone. No explorations in partners to be made, once a partner is set.

But let’s be real here: I’ve had plenty of time, yet have had almost no interest in anyone I have crossed. What explorations am I even referencing? I don’t actually want to pursue any of them. But, as soon as they are unavailable, it feels, I would want to pursue them, somehow.

How silly…

Okay, so, here’s the thing. I want the man who is perfect for me and for whom I am perfect. Together, we want nothing, and we have everything. We are filled and fulfilled together. While we can – and have done so – live apart, we choose to live together, as we love and live better when together. I want a partner who allows me to think happily on other possibilities of men, as I think today on candies. (Okay, that reference was not intentional, eye candy and all…) That would be awesome! But I’ll leave it to everyone else – I don’t truly want it.

So, yeah… come on, Man. Bring it. I’m ready to step up onto our level, and be together going forward now. Yes, I am still terrified. All the better. Bring it.

Post-a-day 2021

Hard decisions

Just because it’s a good option doesn’t mean it’s the right option. There can be a multitude of good options available to us. But they aren’t all the best for each one of us. They are all different just as we are all different.

And, even if someone else may think this good option is the best option, it doesn’t mean that it really is the best option for me.

And, just because I can see that this one really is a really great option, it doesn’t mean that I have to pick this option. I am allowed to choose freely, of my own accord. When I know exactly what I want, I can wait for that, create that. I do not have to select or accept something else, simply because it is the best I’ve found so far, the closest I’ve found to what I actually want. Because it, ultimately, isn’t what I actually want.

Even if it is a really good option.

I don’t just want the best so far. I want the best.

If I’m going to put so much effort into something, I want it to be for the perfect option, the one I truly want, and never anything but that one.

Post-a-day 2021

Sharing is caring?

I have begun sharing. Why? Because I care. I care about those who have been hurt. I care about those who can help those being hurt or who have been hurt. I care about those who can prevent others from being hurt. I care about those who want to understand. I care about those who want to help. And I care about those who, simply, need to know.

But sharing isn’t always easy. And it isn’t always perceived as caring. Sometimes, it can merely frighten those on the receiving end. So, I think it is important to be responsible for the listening – will this person be able to hear right now what I next will say, or do I need to set up the conversation differently, so that this person can hear what I am going to say?

Beyond that, though, no matter how jarring it may be to share, I believe that sharing truly is caring. And I care.

Therefore, I share.

Watch out, world. I’m coming, open.

And that openness has reached a whole new level. So, get ready. And let’s do this. ❤

Post-a-day 2021

Quote of the day

“I think the takeaway quote of the day is, ‘Not even Vanilla Bean.’”

She had said, “If you don’t stretch, all you can do is Vanilla. And I mean you’re stuck with not just Vanilla, but super bland Vanilla… not even Vanilla Bean.”

Folks, stretching the whole body is immensely important, period. It also allows for loads more opportunities in life, especially in unexpected ways, when we keep the body stretched out, strong, and ready for anything.

Be prepared, and Life will meet you all along the way, and in unexpectedly wonderful ways.

Post-a-day 2021

Love is the answer

“Give him a taste of his own medicine.”

But I don’t want to do that. I dislike when he does it to me, because of the lack of love, acceptance, and care I experience when he does it. I don’t want to cause anyone else to feel the way I keep feeling over here. Even if it is the person helping me to feel so poorly. In fact, his doing it makes me want to do the opposite – show love, essentially – even more than I already do.

If I want to sort it out, I think I need just to talk with him directly about it, be straight about it all. Fire doesn’t extinguish fire, after all…

Post-a-day 2021

Man, oh, man…

Do you ever have a sudden 180, and go from feeling proud and confident and comfortable to feeling absolutely undeserving and unworthy?

One of my best friends connected me with someone last year. We got along well, but he wasn’t about being not in the same location. Okay, fine. My friend and I both were surprised by that, but it is what it is, and he wasn’t open to options.

Nonetheless, my friend encouraged the connection, and the guy and I stayed in contact, and I even went so far as to have him be a sort of fitness buddy, with whom I discussed this and that around our similar workout regimens. It was cool and fun.

So, we finally meet in person, at my friend’s wedding. And we get on really well. And I feel great about myself and confident and comfortable. And it’s an amazing time.

Even after the wedding, I am still in that space and the guy and I are still getting along.

Then, my friend wants to know what I thought after meeting the guy in person. I share. We discuss. It is silly, yet fun. She then speaks to one of the major drawbacks I had crossed with the guy. And with that information, she unknowingly blows my mind.

Yes, that drawback is still the same drawback. But now, this guy is more attractive than ever…

To the point that I, confident and comfortable I, feel as though I am not on the right level for him, that I am not worthy of him.

And then begins the positive feedback cycle, swirling ever downward… he doesn’t like me, and no wonder: I’m not good enough. I’m a failure in so many ways already, and, now, because of them, I’m a failure with this, too… And so it continues.

I have listened to my responses, and I have let them go each time. I have felt the physical reaction to such an emotion, and I have allowed it to be just what it is. And I have looked inside to see what had me lose my value as a person, simply because of money (because that’s what it was really about).

I’m not all the way there yet. But I am improving. I was in a significantly worse space only hours ago, than I am now. I don’t feel great about it all – not at all. But I am feeling less and less crap and anger, which is a beautiful sign so far.

Now, to sleep through the night and see what steps I will take tomorrow. Those steps will be toward clearing up this struggle for myself. I feel inadequate, because I know I can do better than I have done, but I let something stop me, somewhere along the line. So, let’s figure out who or what it was, and get past it already.

Post-a-day 2021