He doesn’t drink, but…

I think I much would prefer to sue the phrase myself, and to have it go, “He doesn’t drink, and…,” instead.

…it’s fine by me.

…I don’t either.

…so what?

…I hardly even notice.

…I appreciate it.

…it really isn’t what matters most about him – there’s so much more than even bothering mentioning that he doesn’t drink.

So, yeah… perhaps he drinks and perhaps he doesn’t…, but I think I’m really liking this idea of his not being interested in drinking… I never expected that I would be in such a boat myself…, and I am beginning to see that we would do well together, if we both happened to be on the same boat….

You know what I mean?

Post-a-day 2020

Homophones ;)

I never quite understood what was going on in the song, though I listened to it multiple times… I attributed this to my lack of knowledge on the history being referenced within it…

Even when I watched it happen on the stage, and I listened carefully and understood almost every single word in it, I was still slightly lost… as I considered it afterward, I saw that it just still didn’t quite make sense to me – why such a title and then have the song be talking so much about what it was discussing?

I was guessing that it was showing how problems in the government’s leaders’ lives always had a risk of being life-threatening, and so there were two sides to being in politics at the time (and a third during the war itself, but from an enemy, not an ally)… thus the “dual” of it… the duality, would it be?

Anyway…

It suddenly clicked for me tonight, though, as I prepared myself for sleep, and contemplated Lafayette’s 19 words in under three seconds –

And I’m never gonna stop until I make β€˜em
Drop and burn β€˜em up and scatter their remains, I’m

Is it “duel” instead of “dual”?! I asked myself in sudden doofusfeeling inspiration.

I quickly checked, and, of course, it is, indeed, the “Ten Duel Commandments”.

Still a play on history and phrasing, but not in the way I was interpreting it… similar, but not really at all the same idea. πŸ˜‚

Oh, the fun of spelling. πŸ˜›

P.S. Extreme gratitude yet again for the beautiful gifts that Lin-Manuel Miranda shares with the world at large… Thank you, good sir… πŸ™‚

P.P.S. Daveed Diggs,…. dude… I kind of love you for your space of fun and for your spectacular precision. πŸ˜€

Post-a-day 2020

Panties and Power

I am wearing my Tuesday underwear tonight, post-shower and in my pjs.

I have discovered that my days-of-the-week underwear are something to the effect of ‘my power underwear’.

It isn’t that they are actually my power underwear, but that they carry a similar space and experience as power underwear might carry.

(My true power panties are actually some of my other style that I typically would wear for being out in the world… and they even kind of rotate around every so often, which ones are the true power ones that fill me with confidence as a woman…)

When I wear the days-of-the-week panties, I am excited and delighted; I have fun as child does; I am released of the big stresses in my life, and reminded instead of the little things that really matter most; I get to laugh inwardly at memories I have from them; and I get to enjoy the fact that I typically wear them not on their listed days, and sometimes intentionally so… basically, I feel good in them.

But they also aren’t underwear that I would wear out in public, typically.

Not that we wear any underwear out while in public, but that I wear them while I am out in public… anyway…

They are more so underwear for myself and for me time… my public underwear are all silky smooth, the no-show and seamless kind… these guys are usually for when it won’t matter about panty lines, because I won’t be around anybody else, and so they don’t matter… and I get to enjoy my days of the week all to myself.

So, yeah… they make me feel like a kid and they heal my adult heart ever so slightly whenever I wear them. πŸ™‚

Good thing I have on Tuesday tonight – I’ve been needing some love and healing, now that I’m back home, in the midst of whatever this all is right now.

Siggggghhhhhhhhhh…..

Post-a-day 2020

No, thank you

I seem to do a very decent job of rejecting guys and making it abominably clear that it ain’t happenin’, and then being friends with them (or, at least, good acquaintances).

A man once invited me on a vacation.

Well, he asked me about inviting me on a vacation – ‘What if I invited you on a trip?’ kind of thing.

He, we both knew, had something specific in mind for a guaranteed part of that trip’s itinerary, no matter the destination of the trip.

I informed him clearly that, no, it wouldn’t happen – not doing it that way either, man… but thanks for asking, instead of assuming and all that jazz.

And he, naturally, was bummed, but he also got over it.

Years later, we have turned somewhat into friends.

I call him out on his bs, and never hold it against him.

He calls me on the phone, and has slowly begun talking about genuine things with me, instead of the casual, surface-level chitchat most of the world seems to be comfortable living in.

Today, we were just talking about what we were up to this evening and the past week or so, and I was sharing about my nature time here in Madison, and how, since international travel for vacation is not exactly a thing for the next while, I was considering expanding my goal of visiting Texas parks to include other parts of the country… get to know nature here, so to speak.

One of those places is Utah.

In a sneaky and, basically, magical way, Utah is pulsing with glorious natural wonders.

And I want to spend some time with at least some of them.

When I was sharing about this desire, the guy expressed his total agreement, and said that Utah is truly an amazing place for nature.

I casually asked, in a sly yet joking voice, “Do you wanna take me to Utah?”, knowing that he would remember his offer from years back, and he would know that I was making a joke about it.

He replied, with no actual hesitation, and in a voice so sober as I have only occasionally heard from him, “I would take you anywhere.”

Aww… that’s sweet of you, I told him, and we moved on along in the conversation.

It was a simple comment, and, though it could have been interpreted quite differently when not hearing it said, it was clearly a genuine compliment, both in its meaning and in the speaker’s sincerity in speaking it.

It warmed me, hearing that phrase from him this evening.

He knows that I won’t take him up on his initial offer, and so he wasn’t just saying it in hopes of getting me to go – not at all.

He was saying it, because, in a way, he meant it.

And he still wants me to agree to it, his original offer…. a fact that, in its own odd way, warms my heart ever so slightly…

Because it is nice to be wanted…, even physically and sexually…. I won’t deny that it is especially nice to be wanted by someone so entirely desirable as this guy is, either.

And, even for his little bit of genuine meaning it with his statement, it was well worth hearing him say it, and knowing that the compliment of being so desirable was still there.

Especially now, when I’ve been working so hard on my physical body, I appreciate such a compliment (especially when it is absent of the ridiculous vulgarity too many people seem to express so openly these days)… and it is especially sweet, because this guy doesn’t even know how I’ve physically improved in the past year plus, yet he still holds such an opinion of me…

Compliment, indeed, and I’ll take it! πŸ˜›

“I’d take you anywhere,” said a deep, kind, and sober voice over the phone… and, for that few seconds, she took flight in the traces of human love found in that statement, and imagined what kind of person would take her anywhere… she doesn’t really see that happening with him, but she believes that someone is out there, getting ready for her and all the absurdity and love she has to offer, and that she is seeking.

Post-a-day 2020

True friends

“I only have about ten minutes, so, nothing about me – just tell me about you…”

He begins to list questions related to things and areas in my life.

“…and how is your social life? Do you even have one right now?…”

And the questions continue in a quick flood…

“…How is your body? Are you still gorgeous, or even more goddess-like now?…”

Eventually, the questions end, and he sits quietly to listen for the next ten minutes, attention focused…

Some friends, in even the tiniest of conversations, remind us of what true friends are… they are the ones who, when we’ve been in a tough spot, without their even seeming to try, say exactly the right thing to warm our hearts, and often thereby put us right at the edge of tears…

As I said, in taking with him, my heart felt so loved… breathing was so intensely filling and satisfying, my heart was so loved by him…

That is a sign of a true friend.

And, though we are a whole world apart from one another, I am grateful for the friendship and all of the love that has poured out and continues to pour out from and for it, like an everlasting waterfall…

Thank you, true friend, and thank you, God for the help… I needed this, and tonight especially… thank you, both and all.

Amen. πŸ™‚ ❀

P.S. It is particularly important to me that this is a heterosexual man who expresses honestly and openly his thoughts and opinions, even with women, allowing for a spectacular and genuine friendship between the sexes… (When Harry Met Sally wins no fight here!)

Post-a-day 2020

Space vs Person

Have you ever been attracted to the space of someone, yet found absolutely zero physical attraction to the person, and also no real attraction to all too many details of the person and his/her life?

It is one where you feel that, if you were to close your eyes, you could be content, even delighted, being with this person…

Because, just listening to his/her voice, you feel somehow entirely at ease and filled with… well, something satisfying, comforting, and just a tad exciting…

But, you know that, as soon as you open your eyes, that feeling will be gone…

And so, you enjoy the idea with a secret smile, and just move on in life, without the person as your partner…

Do you know that one?

Yeah… it’s a weird one, I dare say…, but I have definitely been there.

Post-a-day 2020

Let’s talk about sex (some more), baby

Somehow, I have found myself thinking about pornography lately.

And no, not in the sense of indulgence or grossness or anything like that.

In the sense of this question: How are people supposed to be exposed to the body, and to sexual interaction initially, to be informed on the subject and not have to be afraid of it all?

The unfortunate answer side seems to have only one measly answer: pornography.

And, while I very much dislike the intended use of pornography, I could understand it from an educational approach… well… the more vanilla side of it all, anyway.

It had me thinking how, in a traditional normal household, a child is somewhat likely, at least once in his life, to walk in on his parents having sex, right?

Right.

That exposure, to me, seems important and possibly necessary for that child.

However, I feel that that exposure alone is not enough for the child to develop a healthy relationship to the concept of sex.

How is he supposed to learn what a positive versus negative relationship with sex is?

How is he supposed to understand truly what is normal (and versus abnormal) for the human bodies of a male and female in the world of sexual interaction?

Many people, I suppose, would say that that‘s the whole point of someone’s first sexual interaction: awkward discovery.

(But many people don’t have that opportunity, and for many reasons…. It could be age difference, personality difference, an abuse history, or even fear of the whole thing…)

But what if it didn’t have to be like that most of the time, with so many people living in worry about getting it right or being good enough or knowing what to do or what is normal?

I’ve mentioned before about how these cave-people books talk about how certain women would be selected each summer to be the sexual guides for all the newly-established men of the tribes, and, when females were declared women, they would have a special ceremony, for which a specific man was selected to be the first sexual encounter for the newly-established woman.

No, they aren’t exactly the same approach, but they both have value, and I think a combination of them would be supremely valuable for a people as a whole.

What a beautiful way for people to learn the human body and sexual interaction in a healthy and loving way…

Granted, it only worked because the whole tribe would select carefully and consciously the people who would be the sexual guides, and there were various restrictions and rules about it all to keep everyone safe, both physically and emotionally/psychologically.

However, it worked beautifully, and everyone had a positive foundation in the realm of the human body and sexual encounters and relationships… they also knew when things were off, and were comfortable reaching out to others about it, because the body and sex were not taboo topics.

Hmm… anyway… just some thoughts… I don’t have plans to revolutionize the world with this, and I know it isn’t perfect, but I think it would be a great brainstorming start for our time in the world…

Post-a-day 2020

Running Men

It seems I am making men run these days… first my conversation exchange buddy, and then, perhaps only days later, a guy I know from high school… so, who’s next on the list, World??

And I haven’t even told them to start running or anything… they have simply determined for themselves that they want to start running for their own health and well-being…, in some way or other, because of me.

How odd… I make men run… and without telling them to do so… and they aren’t running away from me…

πŸ˜›

And I don’t even really run anymore… haha

Though, if my belly hadn’t been hurting today, I likely would have done a semi-long run (just a few miles, probably) to get in steps for my Weekend Warrior Fitbit contest with a girlfriend from college this weekend…

Anyway…, it is almost 11pm, and I can barely see straight, I’m so sleepy… I need to sleep better at night…

Fingers crossed that I sleep well tonight! πŸ˜‰

Post-a-day 2020

Love, love me do

Today, I have been angry and frustrated and annoyed with most of the world around me.

The simplest of things have sent me emotionally flying off the handle.

Though, I have maintained calm enough in my interactions so as not to have this be obvious and/or offensive to anyone today… the whole digital interaction certainly makes that easier to manage.

Nonetheless, I have felt myself ready to curse and throw things at people throughout the day, and have been borderline tears at almost any given moment.

For weeks, I have already been stressed as people ask me, “How are you?”

I already wrote and shared a song that declares ‘No, I’m not okay, so, please, stop asking… I’ll get there eventually, but just stop asking for right now, please.’

I have begun opting to decline answering the question and to move forward in the conversation… people find it odd, but they get over it, and I don’t have to be further stressed in attempting to answer the question.

(Because no, I will not lie and say that I’m fine, when I am not fine… period.)

Today, too many people were asking me about how I am, and in various ways… I wanted to yell and throw things at all of them…. and at the people who couldn’t get their s*** sorted when I explained how to do such-and-such for them…

It’s been rough and tough for me today, and on many levels…

And no, it is not premenstrual syndrome, aka PMS… wrong time of the month.

My closest friend here in town left today, moving to VA.

And I don’t miss her yet – nothing like that – but I have been presented more and more strongly with each passing day the question of whether I am living my life properly right now.

She’s not only my closest friend here, but the only one I see regularly… and I usually see her multiple times a week.

And it usually was just to hang out – nothing special (which made it all the more special as a friendship).

This now presents me with the fact that I have no close friends, and no daily friends here anymore.

I don’t have anyone to check in with or who will check in on me… I don’t have anyone just down the street anymore… I don’t have anyone to love me simply by spending time with me.

I’ve thought a lot about it today… what I want most right now is to have someone:

1) Tell me that I am loved,

2) Tell me, practically speaking, that what I am pursuing in my life right now gives value to the world around me, and will continue to do so the further I pursue it,

3) Tell me that I am on the right path for myself and my life right now – and that he/she has full faith in my ability to succeed profoundly with it all, and

4) Laugh with me… a lot… until my body hurts so much from the laughter, I don’t know if I can take it anymore.

For now, though, I will do my nighttime stretches and reading, and I will go to sleep.

The irony of this is that my daily reminder today is “Today, I remember to love and to be loved”… I still haven’t marked it as completed…

One fun plus to all of this stress and crying tonight – I managed not actually to cry until this evening for the first time, when a friend who knew I was struggling actually called me to check in for real on me – is that the slight bit of allergy edge to my nasal cavity right now makes it smell like a swimming pool whenever my nose starts to fill up with snot… and so, I am transported to sunny pool days of my childhood right after I blow my nose every time (from the crying)… and that makes me smile genuinely. πŸ™‚

Post-a-day 2020

Men

“You’d tell him, but not me?” he asks, somewhat incredulously.

“Yeah,” she replies, matter-of-factly, “That’s the kind of relationship he and I have. I mean, he’s not trying to have sex with me. You are.”

He laughs strongly for a few moments, mumbles, and then adds, “It’s so weird… people don’t usually just say that… even if they know it.”

She shrugs, even though he can’t see her, “Yeah. Well, it’s true, nonetheless.”

“I, I know… But people just don’t usually say that out loud,” he says, and he laughs some more, but it is not as pronounced.

He remembers that she is not typical, by any means…, which is exactly why he resists being friends with her: he can’t seem to categorize her.

She wonders if he’ll ever be able to move past this attachment he seems to have to sex and the likes in their chats… that’s what he had been asking about in the first place, though in what she found to be a bothersome evasive and indirect way… she doesn’t mind mention of such things, when they are relevant, but she prefers and genuinely enjoys all the other topics they end up on whenever they talk… that’s why she bothers with the acquaintanceship – she is aiming to be friends, even ones who only talk on occasion.

……

Besides, she thinks to herself a while later, recalling the conversation, as she reflects on the message she just received, not only is he not trying to sleep with me, but he says things like this to me:

Quando ridi si pronunciano molto i tuoi zigomi. Risata fantastica!!🀩

“When you laugh, your cheekbones are very pronounced. Fantastic laugh!!”

And then he follows it up with:

Volevo fare un apprezzamento su di una cosa che mi piace di te….

“I wanted to show appreciation to you for something I like about you.”

Different strokes.

Very different relationships.

Very different men, and with very different goals.

She tends to prefer the cheekbones one over the other…. the one who wants to be a friend over the one who wants to be a friend with benefits…, and possibly minus the friend part of it…

She is glad she told him a straightforward explanation, and that she asked him straight out why he had wanted her to drink with him.

The cards are on the table, and she doesn’t have to play.

Post-a-day 2020