Back in the day, just now

Anyone else out there ever find yourself contemplating men like you’re back in the 1800s, preparing for marriage?

I haven’t even gone on a date with any guys, yet my brain has been evaluating the pros and cons of each as though we are considering not only a date but a brief courtship followed by marriage and likely many children.

Yes, the first is very handsome, but it really would be a true delight to have someone who so dearly values, appreciates, and wants you, as does the second. He would dote on you so, and that would be lovely.

Or would it become annoying, since you do not share his same affections?

Would he be hurt that you do not and cannot see him as he sees you? Or would he be all too honored to offer his high pay and devotion to you for the rest of your days without a doubt? Likely the latter.

But would you be willing to accept such a relationship, and give up the possibility of marrying for mutual love and devotion? Give up your freedom for such security without intense love? Perhaps love can develop over time – it is difficult to resist someone who longs for you so. But you would not know until you are much further down the line. At which point, it may be too late to turn away…, especially after all he has given you, and all you have encouraged his efforts…

But, as Miss Charlotte Lucas said, it is better for a husband and wife to know nothing of each other at all at the time of their marriage, and to spend the rest of their lives getting to know one another and falling in love at our leisure…

And then, on another hand, something more like this gentleman would be wonderful for genes to pass on to your offspring – you would make a fine pair in that sense. And you would look lovely standing together. That other gentleman ought not to be considered, when it comes to genes one wants to pass on to one’s children…

These are real thoughts that I notice passing through my mind on any given day. And I don’t even necessarily use them for any actual decisions in anything. But I can’t deny their accuracy. It would be nice to be with someone who practically fawns over me, and wants nothing more than to take care of me as best as possible. But could I ever marry for logic over love? I think not. It would have to be logic and love.

And, of course, this all seems utterly ridiculous, because, well, I haven’t even been on a single date with anyone, yet these are the thoughts going through my mind. It really is as though I am in the 1800s and a date is a very likely forward step toward marriage.

Perhaps I really do view it that way, thus my aversion(?) to dating in general. I don’t want to date someone if I am unwilling, even in the slightest way, to consider a significant partnership together in the future (e.g. marriage). Or, rather, if I just can’t see it (not that I am unwilling to consider it, but that I consider it and come up with nothing of value). So, I’m not averse to dating, but I won’t go on a date without valid reason. And ‘to have fun’ or ‘to see what I like and dislike’ are not valid reasons for me. I do those all the time, and I don’t need a date for them to happen.

Nonetheless, this all reminds me of what Mr. Darcy had to say in chapter six, once he admitted to enjoying such fine eyes on a certain woman’s face, and Miss Bingley asked him when she was to wish him joy.

“That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy.”

I am certainly that woman, in a way…

Anyway… just my thoughts of the week. ;P

Post-a-day 2021

^I’m almost going in reverse here – I nearly missed it again!

Marriage and Dating

I find myself yet again thinking on the idea of exclusivity in a dating (or marital) relationship. We say we want an exclusive relationship. But what does that truly mean?

If we have a problem, we go only to one another?

If that is the case, then why would we not want to seek a doctor for medical advice, or a teacher on a specific topic on which we may seek knowledge. Our partner is not necessarily the one who will have the answers we need, and likely doesn’t not expect us to rely on him or her for things outside of his or her own specialties.

What about that, when we have special news, we go first to one another?

Well, what happens to the best friends and sisters and mothers and brothers in this case? They have held such roles for most of our lives, oftentimes. Are they suddenly replaced by this partner’s having come around? Or, at any rate, have they lost their places as our confidantes in life? We do not expect them to do that, I believe. It is more that the partner joins the ranks of such individuals for us.

These are merely two examples of my thoughts on this matter. Their having been said, I move to my great point of concern.

Is it more so a matter of sexual exclusivity that we seek, when we declare a desire for an exclusive relationship?

That thought has been bugging me for quite some time now…

I want to deny it, but I cannot do so effectively yet. And I’m not sure if I ever will be able to do so.

I know that I want to be, in a way, mentally ever-present for my partner, and I want the reverse so, too. I want to be sexually exclusive with one another, and because we both want that specifically – not because we are restraining ourselves in some way from acting on desires with others. I want us to trust and to love and to want to be with one another in all ways, and for us to be okay whenever we are apart – we are so confident in one another’s love and support. We will be always there for one another, and we will speak honestly and openly with one another.

And I don’t want to be in any other kind of relationship with a potential partner, even at the very beginning.

Post-a-day 2021

^!!

Apps, again

You know, I sent him another message in our conversation a couple days ago, and he still hasn’t responded. We usually each send something every day or day and a half. And it has been longer than that, by at least double now.

And, you know what?

I’m completely okay about it. I keep revisiting the situation in my head, wondering if I really am okay, or if I’m secretly obsessive and borderline about to break down an swear off dating apps from anger and frustration of rejection and how crap guys can be. But it is the same every time: I’m genuinely okay that he didn’t respond. Sure, I would love a response from him. But I only want one if it is for the better. If it isn’t, I don’t want a reply from him. And, at the very least, this is a very good experience for me to evaluate and improve upon how I handle such a situation. (So far, I am grateful and proud of myself of being so comfortable in who and how I am that I am comfortable, whether this guy responds ever again or not.)

So, yeah… that’s some surprisingly delightful news for my life these past couple days or so. Totally cool, but also totally odd circumstances for finding something to be cool and delightful. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

^I was thinking about it ahead of time!

Fantasyland Visas and Green Cards

Do you ever find yourself fantasizing about something, and realize that you do not necessarily want that actual something to happen, but that you are really just enjoying the fantasy in and of itself – in a way, you are fantasizing for the sake of fantasizing, and that is completely satisfying for you?

You see, I met these young guys recently, and one in particular has stuck out to me. He is adorable in many ways. He is also very likely several years younger than I am. And I’m not so sure he knows that. At the most, he might think I’m a year or two older than he is. I have a feeling that I am several more years older than that age difference.

That being said, I have nonetheless been very much enjoying the idea of some sort of relationship developing between the two of us, in a dating/partnership capacity. It took quite a while for me to develop an understanding of my own age prejudices, and to clear them up for myself. However, where I stand now, I have no personal qualms with great age differences in either direction for a couple. (I have almost always been completely okay with friendship age differences, as I have always had friends who are very different ages than I am, both older and younger.) And so, I find myself wondering and imagining how it might be to pursue one of those traditionally odd age differences with this guy. And, I am not having this imagination adventure simply for the age aspect – he is also adorable, remember.

Usually, when I find someone cute, it is in a rather disinterested, ‘I don’t actually see a future for us, and I won’t worry about it,’ kind of way. And whenever I think someone is cute, I won’t think almost anything more than that. If I do, those thoughts won’t last beyond a day or a few. With this guy, however, these thoughts have lasted a couple weeks now. And this is surprising to me. I don’t see myself as truly interested in him. He’s just that casual situation of ‘What an adorable guy.’ But that is why I am beginning to believe that this whole imagination adventure is just for the sake of having an adventure in my life right now, and in an area of my life where I have not really had much adventure before.

So, rather than be carried away with this mental adventure, and falsely believe that it is something I really want, just because I’m having fun with it in my head, I am letting myself do just that: have fun with it. I am enjoying it. I am clear it is not something I want actively to pursue, and so I will not be pursuing it. If it were something I truly wanted, I would pursue it. But all it is is some thing fun inside my head, and so I will have fun with it inside my head. And, I think, knowing that it is only something in my head somehow makes it all the more ridiculous and, therefore, fun to enjoy.

Just my thoughts on the matter tonight. 😉 Kind of ridiculous, right? 😂

Sweet dreams, folks! You know line will be! 😀

Post-a-day 2020

Body versus Brain

I swear: My menstrual cycle makes me feel like it is made to point out to me that I am single in this world designed for my species to partner up. At certain specific points throughout my cycle, my body very clearly reminds me of how desperately it wants me to have a partner already, as though my brain weren’t already on the lookout for that partner all day, every day. 😛

Actually, I don’t actively think about finding a partner most of the time. In a way, I trust God and Fate and the Universe that things will be sorted beautifully in my life, including my partner-in-life situation, and so don’t really spend much time or effort on the matter directly. The other end of that, though, is that I believe everything will work perfectly when I am working perfectly – when I am ready within myself and no longer need but want that partner, he will show up. I am designed to be self-sufficient, but to work perfectly with another, producing more love and beauty in the world than I ever could have produced on my own. I look forward to that with pitter-patters in my heart anticipation. But I no longer spend much time focusing on the finding him portion of that. Instead, I focus most of my attention on improving myself, such that I soon will be ready for him to arrive and for us to work together and create some new magic.

Until that time, however, I think I am stuck with these physical reminders of goosebumps and inner tingles every 14-ish days. 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Sometimes, life becomes very predictable. And some things never seem to change.

And sometimes, you end up on a Zoom call happy hour unexpectedly with a group of guys who are at various levels of their happy hour (which has clearly not just begun). And sometimes you may or may not unintentionally flash the camera, because you just took a shower and were getting ready for bed when you clicked on the unexpected link without really thinking about what joining a Zoom call meant…, and you are extremely grateful for the people’s being drunk, because such a quick flash goes utterly unnoticed with so much alcohol between brains and eyes.

Phew!

Or, perhaps that’s just something that happens for me. 😂

Apparently there are situations in which I prefer drunk people to sober people.🤣🤦🏼‍♂️🤣

Post-a-day 2020

Tootsie: Roll Film

Okay, I watched the film “Tootsie” tonight.  It was lovely. I already liked Dustin Hoffman a lot beforehand.  Now, while watching and after seeing this film, I love his work even more.  Definitely a fan over here.  And, really, I was quite surprised – though not at all surprised, really, because my experience has always included things like this all throughout my life – that this was a film done in the early 80s.  Several comments and many ideas presented in it are ones where countless people seem to struggle terribly still today.  For me, these ‘difficult topics’ were always no-brainers, and super simple and easy topics.  That’s the family into which I was born and by which I was raised.  But, I think, most people were not born to such families, and so those traditional ‘difficult topics’ and still difficult for them, decades later, generations later.

Anyway, I highly recommend the film as a fun watch and a supremely delightful mini-adventure.  Dorothy is a very believable character, and I often had to remind myself that, given the true circumstances, such and such scene is intended to be extremely awkward for Michael…, but I regularly forgot that Michael was there at all – he was that good and enrolling in the roll.  Confused? Watch the film.  😉

P.S. I also love particularly Bill Murray’s earlier acting, and it was a fabulous surprise to see him in the opening scenes of the film! (Yay!)  And I loved the photo shoot scene – it got me super excited about doing one of my own some day soon!

Post-a-day 2020

Matthew McConaughey

I remember seeing the film The Wedding Planner when I was little. I didn’t think the main guy was attractive. At some point later on in life, when I mentioned that, I was questioned with shock at how I could possibly think that Matthew McConaughey wasn’t just totally gorgeous and attractive. I considered this with surprise – Matthew McConaughey was the guy in that film? When I had seen him in other films, I found him extremely attractive. Why would I have formed such an opinion of him from this particular movie? Had my tastes in men not developed enough at that point in my life for me to recognize his beauty? Possibly. Because I knew that I had formed the opinion myself – it hadn’t been influenced by anyone else. I remembered that much for sure. But I didn’t know what had done it for me.

Now, another set of years later, I have rewatched the film. And I know exactly why I found him so unattractive. Because it was the same this time. His hair color. It was horrible. It looked like box-yellow blonde, and it suited him not in the least. With his gorgeous brunette, he looks spectacular. With that boxy yellow, I had trouble focusing on his face and not on the yellow. I have a strong feeling that the childhood Hannah had the same struggle. Because there is no denying that face. But there is definitely denying of that yellow hair.

So, yeah… there’s that. Hope I haven’t offended too many people with that discovery and sharing of it. 😛

P.S. I hear that Matthew McConaughey teaches acting classes to super-serious upperclass theatre majors at UT (University of Texas at Austin). That’s baller. I’d love to witness one of those classes. Not for the fan part, but because I think it would be awesome to witness anyone so a part of a trade teaching that trade to those who long to follow in their footsteps. It would be really awesome to be a part of that, even just as a spectator. 🙂

Post-a-day 2020

Capisco

Sometimes, I feel it is the people who have known me the least in person who know me the most. I was thinking about how, today, I was messaging with my buddy in Italy. We haven’t been in much contact the past month or two, mostly because he has been in a big planting season – I think it was planting… oops – and has been working really long, rough hours, and sleeping when he can. But he let me know this would be the case, so I haven’t worried much about it. Anyway, we were messaging today – it has been a more frequent thing the past week or two – and I found myself just suddenly sharing with him about some of my book-writing concerns.

You see, I know I can tell stories, and I know I can write. Yet, I keep not writing for a book. Not officially or directly, anyway. And I was suddenly blurting out the concerns I have around that today. Why? Because it seemed like he was the person who could hear me the best. Despite ay risks of its being lost in translation, of course. 😛 But seriously, it felt like he could respond in a way that wouldn’t give me the excuses that other people in my life might give me. Nothing about why I probably haven’t done it or about how life has gotten in the way or anything like that. He couldn’t feed me any of my own excuses. And that might be because he has been around me the least. He knows the daily me the least, if that makes sense. Because we have had such a low-risk friendship, we have been open in ways that have kept our personal excuses out of the mix, and almost entirely so.

And so, I shared my concerns and how I’m not writing yet, and he asked a couple questions or so, which I answered. And then he just told me to do it. If I want to do it for myself, then do it. If it isn’t for myself, then don’t do it. But, if it is for myself, then go for it, and get started – do what I need to do to make the beginning happen, and now. Just as we say here, he reminded me of the ideas that 1) life is short, and 2) it is better to have regrets for things we’ve done than remorse for those we never attempted. I do not want to live a life unexamined – I want to live a life well-lived, and true to myself.

And part of that is writing books. So, novels, here we come.

P.S. They might be more like novellas, or novelettes, just FYI… I’m not sure they’ll be long Twilights or Harry Potters. ;P

Post-a-day 2020

Normal life, again

Reading the epilogue of a book tonight, I found myself smiling and marveling at one of the ideas presented by the man to his love. He is giving her money to live a life she never anticipated or even hoped to pursue, because he wants her “to live”. He doesn’t mean, he says, that she needs to be jumping off tall buildings or swimming with whales – though he very much likes the idea of imagining her doing just that – just that he wants her to live life fully, out in the world as a full participant in it.

I was truly marveling at how amazing that would be… her going out and bungee jumping off a tall building and swimming with whales. That any average girl (well, woman) would have done such things, and that it inevitably would be a surprise to anyone who found out about it, because she was just so normal a person – as opposed to an obvious thrill-seeker or adventure type, I mean. How amazing that would be if I could ever have my life be such that I could go do such things.

And then I had a thought that rather shocked me, and that I mentally sputtered over: I have.

My eyes wide, I searched my inner head for clarification on the thought that had just popped up. I already have done that…. both of those…

And then, clear as day, I saw how I truly had actually done both of those things… and I’d forgotten about them. I see myself and my life as so utterly normal, even I forgot that I had pursued such adventures. Now, to be fair, the bungee jumping was more like jumping off of a tall platform led structure than a downtown skyscraper or anything. Though, I’m not too sure it’s safe or possible to bungee off those buildings in the first place… anyway…. But that was in college. I helped a small group of folks go, and it was a total blast. And, for the whales, I have to check to verify that they count as whales. They were whale sharks, you see. One even ran right into me, and I got to feel he fellow, skin to skin, while we meandered together in the waters.

**Okay, I just verified: They are sharks. So, in a way, that part is even more shocking: I’ve swum with sharks. And not while in cages. Haha. Frightening, really. But perhaps it would be even more frightening to swim with something two, three, or four times the size… with perhaps several of them around. Hmm… how could I have that happen safely in my life? Goals… 😉

Anyway… when did I turn into this person? This person who adventures so easily, she hardly even considers herself as someone who adventures at all? Perhaps that is exactly why I keep feeling like I’m not doing the right things with my life. I feel that I am being unproductive, slow, and not myself…, and it might just be because myself is accustomed to adventure as the casual, the regular, the “Let’s grab lunch next week,” kind of statement – it’s just plain normal. And that’s why pursuing any semblance of normal life never quite feels right.

… Wow…

And that’s why pursuing any semblance of normal life never quite feels right.

Remember that, Banana.

Post-a-day 2020