Story-time

Staring at the ceiling, slumped backward over the sofa cushion that had been knocked onto the floor at some unknown time in the evening, Ch—- inhales sharply, and releases in a heavy sigh…, “Man…, I wanna do something!” he declares.

“Like what?” responds C—, only half interested in his little brother’s response.

“I don’ know…. just something….”

M—- chuckles from his spot in a chair across the room, resuming his tossing of a Hacky Sack into the air over and over again with the same hand, having abandoned actually standing and kicking it around in the air half an hour earlier… Ch—- always says this.

“It’s not like we can actually go anywhere, anyway, Ch—,” M— reminds him, “seeing as how it’s already nine o’clock and all, and your parents have gone to bed.”

Ch—- is silent for a moment, reflecting, ignoring M—‘s comment.

“I wanna go swimming,” Ch—- says, “That’s what I wanna do: go swimming.

Let’s go swimming, you guys!”

“In which pool exactly?… None are open and, in case you forgot, we don’t have a pool,” C— calmly reminds him.

Silence.

M— speaks up, “Swimming actually would be pretty nice right now.. zI could totally go for a swim.”

Baffled, C— regards him, eyebrows scrunched together, raised.

What?” asks M—, defensively, “I’m just saying I’m not against the idea.”

“Again, where would we be doing this swimming? Nowhere is open.”

“Too bad we don’t live near the ocean – the beach is always open!” Ch— chimes in, somewhat passively.

Silence…

C— turns to look at M—, then slowly tilts his head to one side, eyebrows raised…

M— regards C—, questioning at first, and then raises his eyebrows in recognition, drops the sides of his lips, and raises a shoulder, as if to say, ‘Why not?’

“Whadda you say?” asks C— to M—.

Ch— sits up suddenly, looking back and forth between the two older boys, jaw dropping in disbelief.

M—- smiles.

“Let’s do this,” declares C—-.

The three jump up, and each rushes to grab a few items, including the keys, use a bathroom, eat a quick snack before moving silently and stealthily toward the minivan that is parked in the driveway – their mother’s minivan and the only vehicle C— has started driving since getting his license recently.

An hour later, the trio find themselves on the Galveston beach, Ch— frolicking gaily in the sand at the water’s edge, while the other two take another hit on their unsophisticated and uncaring palates.

Ch— and M— share a drink or two, but they forbid C— from drinking – he is still driving them home later, and even the stupidity of the youth has its limits when dealing with genuinely smart and somewhat self-aware teenage boys.

By three a.m., they are careening back toward Houston, searching for a gas station with a vacuum to clean out C— and Ch—‘s mom’s minivan – it is filled with sand, though no one quite remembers when or how it all got in there – the haze of the fun was kind of in the way for them.

Eventually, they find it, and somehow manage to clean the minivan up really well, returning it to its nighttime place in the driveway.

Finally back home, the boys head silently into the back of the house, and lapse into total unconsciousness in the form of sleep.

It is five a.m.

At seven, their mom wakes up, and heads off to work, leaving the boys to their usual sleeping in routine, unconcerned.

When, after a week, no parent has mentioned anything, the boys begin to believe fully that they actually away with it.

And, somehow, they did

Post-a-day 2019

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Rules

There is a school zone that has been illuminated on my way home from school (which is work) every afternoon so far this week.

The school is clearly not in session, because there is no one visible on the campus, but I also know that schools are just not yet in session again for the year.

However, the flashing lights flash, making the speed limit 20 miles per hour.

And everyone except for me ignores it.

Fortunately, there aren’t too many cars at the time I’m heading home, so they avoid me easily enough.

I on my Vespa putz alone at 20mph, while everyone zips by at their standard 38-40mph (the regular speed limit is 35mph)…

I follow the rules.

Plus, I really would like to steer clear of anything but good things, when it comes to driving and safety.

But yeah… that’s a bit annoying and troublesome, how people handle the school zone…. also that it isn’t turned off while the school is clearly still on break…

Anyway…

Post-a-day 2019

Loved by the meeting

I lie on my bed, towel wrapped around my head, body drying casually via the fan by my bed, and eyes burning slightly due to a combination of fatigue, dehydration, a bit of crying earlier, and a brimming feeling of crying a bit again now.

I cannot yet determine why I do much care… so what, if they don’t like me and don’t want to keep me?… and, even if they asked me not to stay, so What??

That’s the answer I currently am seeking…, but I am beginning to wonder if I actually want an answer to it, or if fear has me avoiding actually looking to find an answer.

And so, let us see this together, phone keyboard and screen and I…

If I am rejected in any of these forms, I perceive it as my being not good enough for being loved…. period, I think…

Yeah – it would mean that not only do they not value and love me, but no one else would either… and then I would not be able to live anymore, as love is necessary for life.

Okay, so, …. so much rejection is painful right now… the dating app nonsense has me on edge about being loved already, and this makes it more so…

I want to be loved and wanted, because being wanted, for me, is a form of being loved dearly… and being unwanted is being unloved…

I want to go to these meetings, because I thoroughly believe they will help to make me a better teacher and a better person.

I believe it is important for me to attend the meetings.

They, somehow, do not agree, for whatever reason or reasons, we’ll say.

So, I don’t get the ideal circumstances for beginning the school year, then… it would be as though I were asked in the middle of the year to take over, as has many times already been the case…

If they want me absent from the meetings, so what?… this isn’t my home… not yet, anyway… (and my home would have me attend, if I expressed the desire)…

Okay… that helps… this is just a passing point – there is a lesson (possibly hundreds of lessons) to learn here, and then I will move on to the next thing, the next lesson, and possibly even the application of what I will have learned from this lesson…

Yeah…

I also dislike being treated like only a half-teacher, or whatever this is – I am a real teacher, and that’s why you’re hiring me to come teach, even if it is only for a temporary time.

You want me… you are depriving me…

It is your school…, not mine… I can only give what you’ll allow me to give…

Yes, that’s it… stop fooling around, Banana… I can only give what they will allow me to give, so give what they’ll allow, and pray and intend for better and better each time.

For now, I’ll rest for the night, and I’ll see how things feel in the morning.

I can do this, or course… it merely would be a deal easier if they would let me do it this way… yep.

Okay, sweet dreams.

Goodnight.

Post-a-day 2019

Nerves

Tomorrow begins my work at a school that neighbored my own high school.

I am nervous, because it is the first day on location of a new job – typical nerves.

I am also nervous, however, because of this inner piece of me that is terrified every time I consider stepping foot into their campus.

In high school, it was always a chance for me to be in trouble and to be yelled at by some authority figure, whenever I walked into their campus… yes, I had real reasons to be there, – attending classes or speaking with the teachers of those classes – however, I was fussed at a couple times for being there at a time I wasn’t supposed to be there, and, therefore, lived in an almost-constant fear of getting in trouble whenever I went over there.

Even this past year, going there twice a week for tutoring, being given a visitor or tutor badge by the same woman who always checks in on how I’m doing and occasionally jokes about my needing my own personal badge to use, since I am there so often…, even with that, there is always a little part of me that is terrified.

I’m not sure I’ll ever shake the feeling entirely, but I am glad that I have identified what the fear is, as the identification already removes almost all of the fear’s power, as it is.

… which, in a way, shows how great the fear used to be, since it is still right there in my gut every visit these days, more than a decade later…

So, I’m nervous about tomorrow… and also the whole quarter, which is when I will be teaching full-time… and also about the second quarter, which is when I’ll need to be finishing up my thesis that currently has yet to begin…

Yeah…

Dear God, grant me your guidance that I might do what is perfect for me to do, and that I might be fully true to myself in all that I do… bless us all that we be happy, healthy, holy…

Amen πŸ™‚

Go get ’em, Tiger. πŸ˜‰

Post-a-day 2019

Work, work, work

Today, I accomplished loads, and most of it being photography-related.

It feels so good, I could almost do a little jig in my hips and belly. πŸ˜›

After the noon workout today, I hung out at the gym and worked on my laptop, originally planning to stay for half and hour to an hour…

I accomplished the immediately needed photos and sent them off (just proofs, really), and then just moved onto the next thing on my reminders list: sending a photo to a photographer I know from the gym.

He encourages me in my photography lots, and told me this Friday to send him a photo on Monday of something I took over the weekend.

After doing that, I moved coolly to the next on my list of photo work, and ignored my reminder to pick up my new scooter cover from the Amazon locker, delaying it another hour.

I finally finished photos from the CrossFit gym’s warrior Navy Seal workout I photographed a while back, and I sent them on to my cousin, and she sent them to the gym owner, who was grateful for them and who asked me for my website or other info I wanted him to use, so he could give credit to me on them.

That was great.

Then, somewhere in the middle, I had a totally and horrendous breakdown, crying my stomach out over the announcement that our gym is moving locations… I ride my bicycle for multiple reasons, the top one being that I need to save money as much as possible, and so it doesn’t work for me to spend money on gas for going to the gym almost every day, nor on risking my car hitting it’s final mile (it’s old and has problems already)… the new gym is an extra 5.5 miles away, adding easily half an hour each direction and lots of bayou hills… not exactly a mile away anymore, and not exactly a mere hour and a half out of my day anymore… Not to mention that I often struggle getting home after the workouts, because my legs and body are so exhausted, and that’s barely over a mile I have to go right now…

But, just as I was finishing blowing my nose, and had stopped crying, the most gorgeous gym member showed up super early for a later class, talked to me a bit about it all, and was overall super sweet to me (yes, I cried all over again while talking with him, but it wasn’t nearly so terrible as the violent shaking version of just beforehand), and he helped me talk it through better and feel at least a little better about it all – I didn’t know what my solution would be, but I left the conversation confident that a perfect solution would arise by the time the gym is moved in a month.

Also, it was a total treat to see him, too, as it always is, but even more so since I hadn’t expected to see him at all today.

I later had a good talk with one of the coaches about it all, and I plotted on the map and mathed and planned and felt the insanity of it and let it happen, anyway, and trusted that this felt right for the moment, and I made a distance goal for my bicycle riding.

(He and I also talked briefly about how my friend kept sending me profiles of guys in the dating apps, and he commiserated with me for just a bit, and it totally made me feel better about it all.)

So, I now have a goal of riding a total of 1000 miles on my bicycle, using the 134 miles I currently had since starting at the gym in April, and continuing forward through the end of December.

I leave town December 8, but this gives me some buffer room to get in some bicycle riding elsewhere, for the days I don’t ride, but have a ride.

I still am not sure if this riding will happen as thought out this afternoon, and I trust that that is okay that I do not know yet – I am not meant to know yet.

When it is time, everything will be clear for me, and I will know exactly what is perfect for me to do… just like how I found this gym in the first place… God gave it to me, brought me to it, and I trust that he will uphold the relationship if it is what is best for us all.

I waited around for my friend to show up for her class this evening, and then headed out to pick up my scooter cover and then heat up my yummy dinner (grain-free homemade gumbo that I made the other night!), and then, of course, eat it.

Immediately afterward, I headed to someone’s home to do a little photo shoot for an event they’re planning.

I had a great time doing it, and I think the photos just might work for what they were wanting.

(If they do, that’s a super plus for me as a photographer!)

And then I came home and ate a mango and then an apple all sliced along the way, topped with salted sunflower seed butter (unsweetened) – and it was one of the best desserts!!

Super yumm…

And now, exhausted, I write this as a reflection upon the day, and I am filled with gratitude for such wonderful experiences and accomplishments today.

Thank you, God.

Now, I must pass out. πŸ˜›

Zzzxxx…

Post-a-day 2019

Discord in Dating (apps)

Tonight, I was told that a certain someone who is close to me and who, I think, is a handsome guy is “not attractive”.

We agreed on the facts that his personality is great and that he’s a great guy, but this girlfriend seemed to believe that he definitively is not attractive, not good-looking, not handsome…

And I heartily disagree.

Normally, I don’t mind disagreeing with people on this concept of attractiveness and all, but this one has really gotten to me.

When she first said it, I was actually a bit offended… I’d felt a shock like a slap to the face.

And I wasn’t sure if it was because I disagreed with her, or because it was about someone close and important to me…

Now, a while later, I am prone to think that it was mostly due to the fact that he is so important to me, and because I find him to be handsome, her comment seemed to be offensive, and also personal (to a degree).

It just reminded me that thoughts on handsomeness, attractiveness, even beauty are not necessarily universal or able to be defined, definitive… there is too much bias in every party involved…

And so, somehow, I feel better out of this…

A girlfriend of mine has signed me up on these dating apps (despite the fact that I actually dislike and distrust them), and nothing much has come of it, except for her constantly telling me that I need to be more open to more guys, so that I can find a guy to go on a date with me…

My feelings and thoughts on it, however, are merely stronger than they were before we started this app business: I will not settle for anything less than perfect for me…

It drives her nuts, but no, I will not go out with a guy to whom I am not attracted, despite how cute he may be; I will not date a guy with whom I can’t possible envision at least some bit of future together… – Yes, Michael Phelps is a great-looking guy, but I just don’t see it, so I wouldn’t seek out a date with him… If he asked me out, sure, I would consider it, but I’m not going to go after him myself…

(Joseph Gordon-Levitt on the other hand…. πŸ˜‚ [You know, if they weren’t married, that is…])

Anyway, so the apps are being deleted on Tuesday, she said, when she goes on her vacation with the bf, so she only has another day and a half to make something happen from them, if she wants something to happen.

Personally, while it could be fun, I think I would be much more comfortable and rather relieved once the apps are gone… just saying.

Anyway… yeah…

Post-a-day 2019

Memories in alcohol

Walking through an absurdly large and diverse (product-wise) Kroger today, I was struck with a sudden and momentary shift back to Japan, as I passed one of the drink aisles….

There was something about its seeming chaotic orderliness, and its crowded feel that took me back to the alcohol aisles in the store near my house in Japan, and, at first, of this one particular store near the train station in a nearby town where I went to help with English stuff…

And the memory was really nice… it was a very good feeling of transportation, and I felt very much at ease, belonging, and comfortable…

Weird to see Japan as such things, but I also totally get it – it is part of me, and certain points of life were stable there that are not stable for me here and now, thus the feeling of stability and comfort from the memory, despite the fact that Japan as a whole was kind of nuts and really hard on me… πŸ™‚

The aisle…

It is definitely more spaced out in the middle than Japan’s comparable aisle, but the setup and feelings were quite the same for me… who’d’a thunk alcohol could be so warm and fuzzy for me? πŸ˜‚

Post-a-day 2019