“Fit”ting it all in

I had wanted, at the start of this week, tog et in three more workouts before the end of the year. You see, I keep track of when I do them and how many total I have done throughout the year. I started that two and a half years ago when I started at the gym, because I felt it was important data. Sure, you’ve been going to the gym for four years…, but how many times did you actually go to the gym? I wanted to help keep myself accountable as well as see how results lined up with my class attendance.

I keep both count of how many workouts I’ve done per calendar year and per year of gym membership (I started the second week of April in 2019). My first year, I managed 190 workouts, I believe. (It’s all listed on my computer.) Of course, that ‘year’ ended with the gym closing and whatnot with the COVID shut-downs. Then I had major struggles for a while with no gym to attend, and the workouts died away. But, last December, I got myself back at it, after the gym had closed permanently and then re-opened (with higher prices :/…). So, this calendar year, as of Monday of this week, I had done 55 from 1 January to 7 April, and I had done 132 after that. So, I was at 187 for the calendar year so far. I figured, It would be nice to reach a round 90, meaning 190. Still not 200, but I can still make that 200 happen for the gym membership year, which is what matters most to me. For the calendar year, I wasn’t going to be able to make it happen, what with being out of town for moving my grandma last week, and then suddenly having to move myself this week. But I could challenge myself and get that 190 with the remaining days, especially since I intended to be done moving by Wednesday at the latest. (I was clear that I needed all my sleep and energy for moving on Monday and Tuesday, and so was clear that I was not going to the gym early on in the week this week.

But, today, Thursday, I got up (later than usual) just after six and did a running and core workout in the crazy fog and dark that was my mom’s neighborhood this morning. Then, I met my brother on a walk to see his dog again before he left town – yes, all I wanted was to be able to play with and hang out with the dog, but all I was allowed was walking with him twice… so it goes – and walked roughly two miles with them. Then, as a means of heading home after the walk that ended at his dad’s house, elsewhere in the neighborhood, I did the same running and core workout again. Nuts, I know. So, I racked up roughly 9-10 miles today from running and walking. And I could barely hold myself up for the second round of the core work. And I’ve got a blister between two of my middle toes on my left foot, which is annoying but healing somewhat quickly. (Of course, I poked it with my knife, because it was too much with all the fluid in it earlier… Anyway…)

But I’m glad and relieved I managed the two workouts today. And my other brother, who has been very not-active in life lately but who has just moved back from Japan, has agreed to go to the gym with me tomorrow morning. It’s a good 35+-minute drive into town for that, but it is worth it for my brother to go do it with me. I think he could really use the physical workout and the mental and emotional release it has to offer with it. If he ends up liking it, and he finds a place close to the gym, I likely will get him a punch card for him to be able to go several times without the high price tag.

Anyway, I’m excited for him to go with me in the morning. And I’m excited to round out the goal of 190 for the year and 135 for this leg of year gym year. And I’m nervous but glad to be going at all. The past two weeks have been bizarre for me, and I miss my gym and its people and energy and release and health. I don’t know how the next six weeks of my life will look, but I am glad to have tomorrow morning sorted somewhat, and positively so.

Thank you, God and Universe, for the help and support and courage for all of this lately. Please, help me to be Your love in all that I do and in all that I am, as Your creative expression in this world. In your name I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Bedtime snuggles

I roll over in bed, curling up underneath the sheets, and I pull it close to my body, pressing it to my chest and upper belly, giving just enough pressure to my sternum and flex to my arms to release those comfort hormones in my brain… I can feel them releasing as it presses into me, my whole body easing, if only briefly. Why only briefly? Because a folded-up long-sleeve shirt only does so much as a stand-in for a life partner / man… But it helped for a few seconds, anyway.

P.S. I almost forgot to mention that I I finished with everything today for moving out – it is all completed, and I never have to return there, if I so wish it. What’s funny to me is that, as I am so completely done with the place, I had already moved on from it and partly forgotten about it. Life has continued without it, and that is clearly great by me. Thank you, God and Universe, for such a blessing as not only being finished but being so far past that that I forgot all about having some that today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen.

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Mad, but out

But then, how often do we see what other people seem to be dreaming and thinking, and find ourselves thinking that they are mad? (The main example that comes to mind for that right now is when someone was dreaming of and hoping to date me, and I am clear that I have no interest in dating that person [and I say “that person” instead of “him,” because it hasn’t always been the case with just men…!]. So, when I see the hope and dreams persist, I think, That’s crazy thinking!)

Separately, I got almost everything handled today. We moved the rest of everything into the storage unit or into my or my mom’s vehicle, and even vacuumed the floor where I once lived. I am going back tomorrow to get my soap and toilet paper from the kitchen and bathroom, to remove the extra and unused boxes from packing, and to remove my bicycle and my Vespa. If the dresser we left outside is still there, I’ll see about having the friend come by to take it to Goodwill. Then, I’ll leave the main keys behind.. if I know where they are, that is. And then I’ll be done there fully. I already left today, my energy and all. But I won’t have anything to do with the place anymore after tomorrow.

And I am quite grateful.

Thank you, God and Universe, for helping me through all of this powerfully. Please, give comfort and ease and rest to the two who helped me, as well as a sense of having served a valuable purpose and a feeling of being fully appreciated for their efforts and doings. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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Dreaming madly?

Do you ever find yourself wondering about whether, if people actually knew all your hopes and dreams, they would think you were totally crazy, just absolutely nuts?? I mean, sure, plenty of mine are standard and/or acceptable dreams. But I definitely also have those ones that are…, well, not. I think that, if they were to come true, it wouldn’t be a problem of any kind. But hoping for them, dreaming about them, likely would seem utterly bizarre to most folks. Or, at least, to the folks in my immediate or daily surroundings, they would seem bizarre.

Do you know what I mean?

P.S. We got out most of everything today, and packed it safely and rather effectively in the storage unit. The friend did show up, and he stayed almost the whole day, working with me. My mom helped for about an hour and a half, split between the morning and the late afternoon, after we all had a 3:30pm lunch together. Tomorrow, we must take down and pack all the art, take apart my bed frame and table, and load it all into the unit. We also still have a few more instruments and games and small odd furnishings and such (mirrors, tea kettle, back massage tool, fans, a lamp, a vase…), as well as dishes and mugs and glasses in the kitchen (just a single cabinet, though) to pack and move. Then we have to put the stuff I intend to move with me into my 6-weeks home next week in the very front of the storage unit (including my mattress and chair and lamp). I think we will manage it all. But I intend to get up again early – would you believe I slept until after six today?! – to get started as soon as I can manage safely for my health and well-being. Then the friend is coming back to help finish everything off (and his extremely helpful truck, too!). My mom might even come by again to help a bit, too. Her car, borrowed, was also extremely helpful today.

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^That year is almost up(!!!), I just realized

Progress so far

Well, the plan worked somewhat. I definitely felt somewhat ill by mid-morning, and so had to take a rest and gather myself energetically, lying on the floor, somewhat of a mess, for close to twenty minutes. But I ended up feeling loads better after that, and was really able to get to work.

I went to Mass at 9:00, as I woke up just after 7. I could have stayed up, when I awoke just after four, but thought better of it (and also was afraid of the day’s tasks, so took some time to avoid it beneficially with some needed sleep). I had expected to be up still in time for the 7am Mass, but I wasn’t. I ended up staying in bed until just after 8, diddling on my phone for a while (but getting actual things done on it, too), and then closing my eyes again for a final snuggle away from it all before my alarm sounded for me to get ready for Mass. Mass went well enough, and I picked up a stack of boxes from the store.

When I got home, things were slow-moving initially. I ate a bit and took my supplements, but struggled to think clearly. I eventually managed to sort out what felt and still feels like too much clothing for six weeks. And then I got to packing boxes and moving things downstairs to the first floor. After my little rest, I really started moving quickly and effectively with things. It was also easier not to feel so miserable and sad after the rest, though I continuously reminded myself to focus only on the one task at hand (instead of the whole mass of to-dos), so that I could keep calm-ish about everything.

Going to bed now, I have packed the suitcases for my six weeks. I have boxed and moved down: desk, sewing, art, nostalgia paper, music, incense, karate, and sport supplies, as well as most of my clothes (hanging and folded), my teas, movies and CDs, and (most) electronics. The goal is to move all of that and my furniture into the storage unit tomorrow.

Then, I can box up and load the rest on Tuesday, with or without help. But, tomorrow, I have help from someone who happens to have a truck coming to work with him. I am extremely grateful at the fortune of this particular friend’s having offered to help me. I still don’t know how to pack the books or the records, but I’ve got a big bulk managed thus far, and I am grateful.

Jude, please keep looking out for me. God, please continue to bless me, that I pursue and fulfill my role in this life to be Your love in the world. In your name I pray. Amen.

P.S. Happy birthday to my paternal grandfather, Grandpa. He died several years ago, but I still remember him on his birthday, with gratitude. ❤

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Two things

One: I cannot seem to stop thinking about and feeling those feelings from my dream this morning, those of having met and been with my partner in life, my man. Even when I am not thinking about it, the feelings are there, in the background, ever-present. I am nervous now to sleep, for fear of no longer having the still-strong memories of being with him at last.

But then I also wonder what I need to do to go ahead and step forward in real life, so that I can make happen for real what manifested in my dream this morning…


Two: I am back at the house in Houston now, about to go to sleep. Tomorrow, I am thinking I will go to Mass in the morning – though I usually prefer the evening Mass – while I am still all clean from having showered tonight. Then I can pack and lug boxes and such downstairs all fay after that, and not worry about getting dirty and sweaty while at all of that, as well as not have to keep track of the time, which tends to give me a certain level of added stress whenever I am waiting for something happening later in a day.

I am still nervous. That’s okay. I’ll go pick up the boxes from the store after Mass, and then come back and hop to it. I’m thinking I’ll start with my art stuff and my hanging clothes. Then I can just move down all the already-packed tubs and boxes of kimono, books, blankets, scarves, shirts, jackets, etc. I also will fold and pack up the laundry on my floor. That I will keep with me for the next six weeks. I think I had probably better pack my six-weeks bag first, actually. Set all of that somewhere particular, and then start to pack up all the rest. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Well, then, I have a plan that feels good for tomorrow’s goals. Mass, box-pickup, pack for the six weeks, take down to first floor all that is already boxed, start boxing art/desk stuff and hanging clothes, and breathe calmly and fully all day long. It’ll be easier to pack all the other stuff once the already-organized and -boxes stuff is out of the way. Then, Monday morning, I can go start sticking it all into the storage unit before packing all the other stuff, art and shoes and toiletries and rocks included.

God, grant me, please, the grace to handle this all effectively and beautifully and safely and lovingly tomorrow and this week. Help me to be your love in the world through this necessary shift. And, please, help this shift to be the source of my being your love more fully and more powerfully than ever, both presently and going forward throughout life.

P.S. Please give those green eyes some extra love and fulfillment tonight and this week. I hurt for their bearer and all that that one bears so heavily right now. Allow me to lift that weight and fill that individual with such love as frees – the love that You are.

In Your name, I pray. Amen.

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Hello, my dear, dear, perfectly-for-me man

I slept terribly last night, with the air a mess and a door constantly opening and slamming, due to the air pressure and all.

But, you know what? I had an aMAZing dream. I dreamt of my man. We had just met. He was someone’s brother. I had met his sister first, and, when she asked me how meeting him had gone, I told her I had no words. He was spectacular and everything perfect for me. Their dad was silly, yet wonderful. His sister was lovely already. But he was everything for me. My whole mind and body were perfect with him, beautifully in tune with him. And he was perfectly in tune with all of me, in every way.

At one point, we were driving in a car. I was shot gun, semi-sleeping, and he was driving. I was on my right side, turned mostly away from him. Someone was in the back seat. He and I had only just met that day or the day before. In my sleepy haze, I reached down and put my left hand against his right, which was resting below the steering wheel. He picked up his right hand after a moment and put it on the wheel, turning the car. When he finished turning, he put his right hand down, intertwining his fingers with mine, easily and without big deal-ness. I remember wondering what the people in the back might think, since he and I had only just met. But I also knew he was my person, my partner, my man in life. We were for each other. So, I wasn’t worried.

Throughout it all, I just could hardly wait to be with him exclusively, away from everyone else, and also to be with him every day and night. He had been running at one point, when I arrived where he was. I had him pause running to kiss and hug him. It didn’t bother me that he was all sweaty – I truly didn’t care -, and I even told him that, and commented on how bizarre it was for me, and I laughed. I just was totally okay and barely even noticed the sweatiness as I held and embraced him. He was perfect for me, and everything about me knew it. We were perfect for each other, in all ways.


P.S. Happy Christmas…

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You know, I’m not sure where I stand right now. In fact, I am lying half on my side and half on my back in bed right now… in an annoying double-decker bed that made it extremely difficult to do my bedtime stretches just now. I also have to remember to be careful getting up and out of the bed, too, because it is a very low top bunk. I can’t sit up in this bed.

Anyway, it was nice hanging with just a few family members tonight. We watched the rest of “The Santa Clause”. Apparently my mom and I know that whole movie… very well.

I really am exhausted tonight… my brain is barely functioning right now. Oh, God and Universe, give me the strength to get through all of this moving and work nonsense beautifully and effectively, and the courage actually to do it all. Amen.

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Quote of the day

“Look, I know sex has greatness in its own right, but all I really want… is naked cuddles,” she declared.

Talk about unpopular opinions, this one likely would throw a lot of people through a loop. But, hey, if intentional and conscious physical intimacy is the goal, then it makes sense, right? Instead allowing oneself to cross over to an animalistic degree of human function – that part of humanity designed to procreate without having to be told how to do it -, there is an opportunity to be extremely intimate without loss of full consciousness and presence and without procreation. It is definitely a valuable idea, I dare say. Indeed, it would be much more intimate as a whole than sexual intercourse would be.

But can people actually do that and only that??? Interesting inquiry…

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It looks like three hours is my max drive time for what I can consider ‘an easy trip’. Going back to Houston last night, then turning to come right back tonight was tough, especially with most of the driving being done at night, and a good chunk of it past my regular bedtime.

Anyway, I’m here now, alive and well. So, that’s good and I am grateful. However, I shall sleep hard core now.

Thank you for the safe travels . Please, bless me tonight and tomorrow that I might be your love. Amen.

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