Goals

Your goal should always be to aim higher than you think you can reach

-George Strake

29 Nov 2018

It was in the middle of a speech that George Strake said that, and I found myself in a whirlwind to write it down as quickly as possible, so that I could return to it continuously in the days to come.

I felt it to be of the utmost importance in my life, both immediately and long-term… and I have done just that, returning to it each day (sometimes multiple times a day).

I started tearing up when he said it, because I could see almost immediately how wonderfully fulfilling such an endeavor could be, while simultaneously seeing how I very much was not undertaking anything of the sort…

I tend to aim right where I know that I will succeed, and only on occasion do I aim a bit higher than I think I can get, but only when the outcome relies on someone else in some way – like someone else’s opinion says how it turns out – and it leaves me not to blame for the lack of achievement in the end…, but it is still very likely that I will achieve what I’d hoped to achieve anyway.

So, here I am now, wondering what I might actually do with this idea – will I pursue it, or merely be afraid of it for a while longer?

I do believe that I will pursue it, but I’m not sure when or to what degree I will do so… I guess it all depends on how much I’m willing to give up around ‘playing it safe’ in life, you know?

Post-a-day 2018

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Eat up, dearest

“Ah, well, have your way if you must.  But he that fasts must attempt but little and stop early.  When shall you be back?”

A God-loving man once said that to Jeanne d’Arc (in French, of course), when she denied breakfast, because she was in such an excited and exhilarated hurry to get to the day’s task (of reclaiming the rest of the the river).

Sonething about it just struck me very strongly, and gave me an experience of delight.  I suppose it was the fact that it was someone who was Catholic giving such an idea, making it an odd sort of contradiction to modern practice in the religion.

Post-a-day 2018

…holding out for a (anger) management position…

“The thing about giving yourself a pep talk is that secretly you know it’s all bullshit.”
That’s a quote from a Sophie Kinsella book (Remember Me?, I think).  Today has kind of been a day where I got to live it.  Though, since I already knew this, any effort to give myself a pep talk was dropped almost before I started.  It’s not that I actually think life as I know or want it is coming to an end – indeed, the good stuff has only just begun.  But knowing that has almost no effect on the feelings of total misery and hopelessness that arise when I hit places like my current one.  Sure, I accept then, thank the feelings for sharing, and then move on to what’s next, but they really do suck when they’re busy hanging around.

I have been experiencing another one of these odd feelings of waiting lately.  It is as though there is a set amount of time I must go before I find a job again, and then, after that time period, everything will fall into place perfectly, and the waiting will have been totally worth the misery.

However, when I get these feelings, I always have to take a first step, be proactive somehow, in order for things to fall into place.  As I see myself growing more angry and on-edge each day, I find it more and more difficult to do anything productive, anything that could help with that first step.  I even have some plans for that step, yet here I lie, miserable and without having taken any action for them today.  I guess I would have to give up the idea that this isn’t where I want to be right now, living at my mom’s.  I moved out years ago, intentionally, and had no intentions of returning for residency.  Not for desire to be independent or anything of the sort, but because I don’t want to live the lifestyle of this house… at all.  Nor do I want to be treated like a kid again, as my mother does automatically most of the time whenever I am here.  Any time she has visited me in my own home, or anywhere else when I’ve not been living with her, she has treated me differently.  Sure, she’s always still a mom, and fussed at me for this or that.  However, it is not like how a parent talks to a child, how it is now.

Anyway, I have some things to get started with doing.  I want to live elsewhere, and yet here I am – this is what is available to me currently.  I want a good job that I love, and here am I, without employment.  So, little by little, I guess I have some steps to take, including figuring out what they are.  I know I’ll be all right, I really do.  It has just been mentally rough lately, and I so want to be finished with this near-constant anger, annoyance, and sense of hopelessness.  Guess it’s well about time I chat with Jude, hmm?  (I’ll start there, and see what I can brainstorm in that mental conversation.)
P.S. Bonus points to you, if you know what movie helped to inspire the title of this post.  It’s a family favorite of ours.  My cat even watched it with me after I first got him.  And he really did watch it.  It was kind of weird that he did, really, but also totally cute.

Post-a-day 2017

Got confidence, or passion?

Today, I leave you with these words from Robert M. Pirsig, which were somewhere near the middle of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.  They really got me thinking, and I like them, so I figured that I would share them somehow.  They really are good thinking words.

Post-a-day 2017