Rapunzel

It turns out that I have done and regularly do just about everything listed in the song “When will my life begin”, from the film Tangled.

Like… seriously…

I mentioned this to a friend this morning (her tonight*), and how I was considering doing a set of photos with the song lyrics as captions to them.

But she was determined that I make an actual video… especially since I live up on top of an old house, creating an extra layer of comparability to Rapunzel and the song.

After much deliberation and some concern on copyright concerns, I have almost determined to make a video that includes clips of me doing all of these different things, and with myself singing the song in the background… no copyright issues on a cover, and more interesting than just photos…

It could be quite fun, I dare say…

Though, I do not have chess, nor do I have darts (though I can play/do both reasonably well)…, so I am considering two different unique tasks to fill their places in the song… unsure yet what, though.

(How many times can one use “though” in a single sentence or idea??? Haha)

Lots up in the air right now, but the idea has definitely been planted well, so there’s a chance!

The hardest part will be to get back to making myself actually get up at 7am, and not just to use the bathroom and then go right back to bed (as I have been doing most days lately)… 😛

*If you don’t get it, ask around until you find someone who does. 😉

P.S. May the Fourth be with you 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Sunday, fun day

Today had lots of emotions.

And they, for the most part, were experienced, addressed, and released.

I painted lots, and all of it while on the front porch swing, which was utterly lovely.

(Except for the few times the wind disappeared, and it was just miserably warm for about a minute or two until the wind picked up again out of nowhere…. those were not so utterly lovely…)

So, I learned all about which brushes to use for which brush strokes, which was awesome…

I played with flowers…

And I progressed significantly on my casual paint-by-numbers…

Super happy with the success of painting today(!), and very glad to have kept with this goal of mine to paint on Sundays. 😀

I then had to stop somewhat abruptly in the middle of number ten, because I felt that it was time to work on a song that suddenly was becoming very clear in my head as I painted.

So, I went inside, got to work, pulled together pieces I had wanted to use but had almost abandoned from a song yesterday and the day before – song got abandoned, but the good words got used today! – and completed the new song, recording it and all.

It helped a lot with some emotions that have been hammering the past few days, and I am grateful for that especially.

Then I rode my bicycle, stopped to listen to some lovely guitar playing and singing in the park, was invited to join the small trio, joined them, and enjoyed company for the first time in a long while… and not just because they are people, but because they are perilla I genuinely liked and enjoyed having around me…, so that was great.

And the music was, too. 🙂 ❤

I love music, and I especially love good music, and I especially especially love good music being played casually right in front of or next to me.

So, it was wonderful.

Then I found a hidden minuscule park one of the trio had mentioned was near my house, and I enjoyed the Live Oak that its heart and only means of existence.

I think I will go back in the daytime to admire and appreciate some more this week.

Now, I go to sleep, exhausted… exhausted… and it’s 2:05zzz…

I am nervous for the governor’s announcement tomorrow.. I want to continue working from home for a while longer… so, I have been nervous to go to sleep tonight…

Alas, I want to sleep now, so I shall sleep.

Goodnight, World… May we have loveliness tomorrow. ❤

Post-a-day 2020

Music of the night

I have started another song.

But this one is quite different from the other five so far.

This one…, well, this one has asked me to write it.

I don’t know how else to explain it.

I had asked, “Well, what do I write next?”

I already had an answer: I was going to continue along the same mental path that four of my songs had been following already – the silly path of almost love-life that I recently had.

But then, just before bed one night, before I had begun in my next song, a bought came to me… it was not particularly comfortable or desirable, so I allowed it to be merely a thought among many, and I let it go.

The next night, the thought returned, but it brought a couple or few phrases with it… They were so strong that, thought I had let them all go, when they kept coming back over and over again as I tucked myself into bed, I got back out of bed, and I wrote them down.

There, I seemed to say, Now you can let go of this idea, and move on to other things.

But it kept pressing the next day, when more lines came to mind.

I loyally added them to the page.

Then things happened… things that connected to this song idea, but that had happened on their own, from outside sources… a phone call from a friend, and something mentioned in that conversation… and action from me that seemed to have no spark of origin, but that, in a way, connected deeply with the topic of this song… and then, as I went to add another line that was pressing my brain, an unexpected phone call received, and, somehow, the exact topic brought up…

I am not scared, exactly… there just is likely to be little room for error on this song… and there will be lots of room for judgment… on this song, I am not only writing to share music, but to make a difference for others by sharing… I do not want other people’s potential resulting opinions of me to dissuade me from doing a spectacular job of that.

Yes, I want this to be inspiring and relieving for those who need it most.

For those who do not need it, I want it to help them to think twice about those in their life who just might be needing it right now, or who might have needed it st some point, but who did not get it then.

Yeah… I think that’s it… that’s the goal of this song.

And it feels heavy…

God, help me carry this weight – I want to carry it to its next stop, and hand it off.

Post-a-day 2020

Sing to me

Working on another song today – some acquaintances in a digital happy hour check-in Wednesday night told me to go ahead and just make a whole album about my feelings right now, because plenty of artists have done just that, and, did I know that Gwen Stefani did that with the one album she wrote about her bass player, and then they went on tour with the album but she was already with someone else? – I was embracing the tweeting birds and the sunlight outside, by spending the afternoon on the front porch swing, guitar at my side.

I eventually had what felt like a solid foundation for a song – it just needed some touch-ups, and perhaps a line-change or two – and I was playing and singing through the whole of it to see how I felt about it, see what stood out as lacking or needing to change, etc.

Partway through, I sensed something, and looked up to see someone standing at the bottom of the porch steps, leaning around the bushes (which block most of the porch from being seen from the sidewalk) somewhat to see me.

I stopped immediately, yet calmly, and greeted the person kindly.

I noticed that he was shirtless and potentially thin – bushes made it hard to tell if he was just slim or actually lacking in nutrition.

“Can I help you?” I offer.

It then turns out that, no, he is not homeless, but had been exercising at one of the nearby parks, and was heading home to where he lived nearby.

He had heard what he thought was the radio, but then he couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.

Eventually, he realized that it was live music – someone was playing guitar and singing somewhere very nearby.

When he figured out where, he just had to come closer to listen.

He then used various phrases to say that he wanted me to sing and play for him now, even though I already had been singing, and still would be singing, if he hadn’t creeped up to my porch…

Now, I totally did a version of this while on my bicycle ride Wednesday evening, so I am careful with judgement here, however, I didn’t go up to the person’s porch and freak him out – I pulled over across the street and listened to the music coming from a second-floor window.

Anyway, I let it go, since he isn’t coming across as dangerous at present, and I allow him to talk.

I answer a question he asks about what I had just been singing/playing, and then sit, with very few phrases leaving my mouth, for probably the next ten or fifteen minutes, listening to this guy going on and on about things.

Sure, it was interesting the first time you mentioned about your mom encouraging you to do country western music, instead of hip hop or rap, like you had always imagined, and I think it is great to let stereotypes be blown away at times, but did you have to tell me all of that at least three times each?

And please, stop trying to sound philosophical – pet peeve here – when you really aren’t… you actually have some great points of philosophy, but you don’t even seem to notice it, and, instead, BS elsewhere, and end up sounding somewhat stupid (which, you clearly aren’t so bad off, due to the real points, but you are really not helping yourself here).

Also, it really feels like you’re working hard to flirt with me… did you not listen to the very first things that came out of my mouth, about how the song I was just singing is based on the idea of how I miss a guy and want to be where he is, instead of here??

I would have thought that an obvious sign of my likely disinterest in any other guys, which would include you…

At least he put his shirt back on early on in the conversation(?)… interaction.

I’m being snarky, I know… I thought it was sweet, but also a bit annoying that it kept going on for so long, especially when I had just been so focused and excited about where I had just reached with the song.

I kept reminding myself to let it go, and to allow this interaction to happen – perhaps one of us needs it more than the other.

And he ended up singing to me from two country western songs he likes to sing.

He definitely has the timber of country western music down, and so I can see why his mother would have encouraged such an endeavor.

I told him so, too, and encouraged it myself, allowing him the idea of pursuing it, only should that be what he wants and feels called to do.

And then he talked a while longer, and I knew I was done… bugs were starting to show up, and I was committed to finishing this song and getting a recording before I went back indoors.

So, I kindly told him that I was getting back to work, and that I wanted to do that on my own, and I wished him home safely and wished him well…, and, of course, I was prepared to tell him that I wanted him to leave, if it weren’t already clear to him from the somewhat direct words (since he had already missed the opportunity before, when I had said I wanted to get back to work, but allowed him to stay if he wished [I really didn’t mind that part, but minded when he started talking to me again, just because I had stopped playing for a minute, which had been to work out some lyrics]).

And so, I got back to work on the song, finally, forgot to fix the beginning, and recorded it all, anyway.

I got a great version recorded, but lawn guys started mowing across the street right in the middle of the recording… I kept going, just in case, but I mostly knew it wouldn’t work.

I hoped for the best, but it didn’t work out as a good recording, so I had merely been wasting my finger strength for the day, unfortunately.

Finally, after a few mess-ups, I got a recording that was mostly accurate and good, and, since my fingers were already struggling during that recording, I knew it was the last play for the day…, so, I let it be.

Perhaps I’ll do the changes to the first line, if and when I do a real recording for an album…. for now, though, I am okay being satisfied and done with this song for a while.

And I do like it… I just wish I had caught it about the first line before I ran out of finger strength.

Oh, well… everything turns out perfectly somehow, so there’s clearly something perfect pushing all of this into place today. 😛

Fingers crossed for that perfection to show up sooner, rather than later. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

The pressures of production

So, I just did this for productivity tonight:

I felt a need to do something tangible… as though the list of today’s accomplishments weren’t already long enough (Trust me: It is long enough already.).

It is called an anti-stress coloring book.

Just like the rest of its kind, though, it stressed me out with all the details.

So, I went for how I really felt.

And I actually like it a lot better this way…

Sigh

Do you ever feel tired of being productive? Like stressed out about it, I mean…

I have been so productive the past couple weeks or so, I feel that I now have the pressure of a standard I have set to be very high…

For example, this past week, I discovered song-writing, right?

I wrote three songs, one right after the other, spending about two days on each, beginning last Friday.

By this Friday, I felt sick about writing songs, because I felt this huge standard weighing on me suddenly, in the form of ‘another week means another two or three songs’.

And I just felt like I would fail, which has made the pressure even worse…

(Plus, on that topic in particular, when I even begin to revisit writing a song now, I grow instantly annoyed with the fact that nothing feels real – feelings and emotions from within myself – except my worried, upset, annoyed, and longing-for thoughts in relation to this guy I DON’T EVEN KNOW…. [Like seriously, I barely know him, and getting to know him better has not been going very well… he seems way less interested in getting to know me now than he did at the start…] Can I get over this already, please, so that I can return to my regular set of absurd emotions?… I can totally handle crazy, but it needs to be my crazy, not whatever these past three weeks or whatever have been… exhausting is what they have been, and I’m tired of it…)

So, I feel all this pressure continuously popping up to hang around for a while – maybe even a long while – and to make me feel like snuggling up and crying into a large stuffed animal in my bed – because we all know that I have no person with whom to do this – and sleeping the world away for a while…, I love being productive, but it has somehow become more like a contest against myself, and I very much dislike it – it is not empowering for me… just stressful, and it makes me want to give up and run away…

So, yeah… that’s about where I stand tonight… sigh… and I don’t particularly want to do anything to turn the emotions positive right this minute – I just want to be heard (because, again, we all know there is no one out there calling to see how my day went, and to wish me a lovely night’s sleep tonight).

Post-a-day 2020

And again…

I have written a third song, now!

What is this life I’m living (right now, anyway)???

The world is going crazy having to stay home, and I am here being extremely productive, and somehow still napping as needed, or just lying on the floor for a bit, multiple times throughout the day…, and eating a lot and often… and still getting my job done…

This has been rather good for me, I think, having to stay home and all.

It was rough at first, especially since I really want to get to know this guy I kind of just met, but I think I approached the whole ‘stay-at-home’ situation with a genuine and thorough consideration for my health and well-being, and I have acted accordingly with my self-given guidelines and encouragements, thereby helping me to be extremely sane and comfortable and confident, and also, somewhat surprisingly, very productive (more so than usual, even).

And it was really good for me to have to sit with so much discomfort around that guy for the first while – I needed to be able to get through any panic and just chill out, approach the situation as myself, and not as the crazy person that sometimes won’t shut up in my head… she’s funny, but can get way out of hand, if I indulge her.

So, yeah…, this has been very good for me.

And, as mentioned, I have written now a third song… that’s three songs in a week’s time… crazy… and in a good way… a very good way.

🙂

Post-a-day 2020

The time is now

There’s no time like the present, right?

Which, I guess, means that there’s no time like one in the morning! 😛

I had just completed a few hours of meditative work both for myself and for a friend – making a mala, and being very intentional about the whole thing and its entire process, thus taking hours to do it all, to meditate first on what to do, and then meditating by doing it – and, as I was packing up things, I acknowledged that the pull I had felt the past hour or so to play my second song (with the hopes of getting it recorded to share) was worth it… bed could wait a little longer – it wasn’t like I had to be anywhere early tomorrow, nor that I couldn’t nap as needed throughout the day (though I do have to start work at 9am, it is from home, and I don’t exactly have to talk to anyone first thing, possibly at all, so I’m okay to be a bit short on sleep…, even though I struggled with sleep last night…, but I’ll get back to that in a sec…).

Plus, this pull was more than just one to record a video or audio recording… there was something emotional pulling at me through it…

All these emotions that had gone into the song, they were ready to release, to be expressed, and to start to move onward… I had sat in them consciously for long enough – it was time.

Just to be sure, I played once just for myself, just to see how it went.

It was practically flawless.

So, then, yes, it was time.

I pulled up my computer, tested the sound and video and all, and then recorded…

And it was perfect.

And it was 1:12 in the morning, and that was perfect, somehow, too.

And now, without sharing the video, I will go get ready for bed and go to sleep, with hopes that, with these emotions out of me like this, I will find rest tonight, and can wake up refreshed tomorrow… unlike today.

And yet, even with these thoughts and feelings waking me while it was still dark outside, and not allowing but another short bit of respite – although, can we call it respite when we just end up inside stressy dreams with all the same thoughts and feelings that kept us up in the first place? – I still seem to be functioning at, now, almost two in the morning… I trust that I will be okay tomorrow, especially after resting for real… yes… I will sleep well tonight.

Thank you, God, for the music and the words… they are invaluable to me right now, and I am immensely grateful.

And I am ready for whatever is next : )

Post-a-day 2020

And another…

Well, another song has come into being by my hands.

And I like this one, too.

No, it is not so love-overflowing and happy and hopeful as the first, but it is still honest, and, while it hurts some, it is releasing…, cathartic, in a way…, and it offers hope.

Tomorrow morning, I will do my first of two workouts for the day, then I will start work on yet another song as part of my homework (due at 4:30pm tomorrow), then do another workout for lunch, and be delighted in the accomplishment of my one-year relationship – the only anniversary I’ve ever had – with the gym.

I am excited for tomorrow, and I am grateful for today.

God, help me to be true to myself and thereby share and create true love in the World.

Amen

Post-a-day 2020

Woohoo!!

I just ran-slash-pranced around my house, laughing and yelling cheerfully, “I wrote a song! I wrote a song! I wrote a song!… and it’s good.”

It has been a good night, I say… 😀

Song is officially recorded (though not a version to release yet), I have listened to it, and I loved listening – it’s actually good!

First time after years of preparation and training’s a charm, right?? 😛

Post-a-day 2020

Music in the night

I have been playing music this weekend… and particularly to share with others…

When I put up the first song, my cousin sent the video to me almost immediately, asking if this had not been a goal of mine…

I was, at first, a bit confused, until she specified, saying that she believed I had mentioned a desire to share music publicly with people… yes, that has been a somewhat longtime wish for me, and a more recent determination (that has been very slow-moving, but moving).

The whole reason I wanted to be able to play guitar was to be able to be spending time with people, and sing songs together, thanks to my hands on the guitar… I never had specifically high hopes or goals of being an expert player – I just wanted to be able to make music communally and to share songs I love with people I love.

Now, I find myself interested in improving my performance skills, but it is not out of the same drive as the original reason for wanting to learn – it is merely for my own enjoyment.

As far as the original desire goes, I guess I am at that point already – that is, I can play casually plenty of songs and sing along with them…, but when do I actually share them with others in any way?

I am by no means a top musician or singer, but I love music and singing, and I love sharing them both with others…

Sure, the ideal scenario is something much like a campfire surrounded by many people I love dearly…, but two main parts of it all are my having the confidence to perform/play and my actually sharing with others.

This past week, I have been experiencing lots of feelings of loneliness… not overwhelming, help me, please! feelings, – they’ve all been quite manageable, and I have managed them mostly beautifully (yeah, I made some stumbles, but they’ve happened and I have let them go, so we need not Derek on those anymore) – but loneliness, nonetheless.

Whenever I feel lonely, I find myself wanting to turn, if not to people – meaning the people are unavailable – to music… music can express whatever I am feeling, usually, and then music can help me move into a different state of emotions, simply by my selecting the song and allowing myself to embrace it.

This past week, what I have probably wanted more than almost anything else has been someone to play music for me and to sing to me… I once shared online that I want a baritone to serenade me in my life, and a fabulous, incredibly sweet distant friend of mine saw the post, and promptly sent me two videos of him sitting around on a night shift at work, singing… just for me, in his baritone of a voice.

It warmed my heart so dearly, I think I shall remember it always.

Fast-forward to now, and I am approximately eight days into wanting just that in my life… but, under the circumstances, the only person at my disposal has been, well, myself…

And so, I started to play some ukulele (because I really need to change the guitar strings, and I only have strings for the two classical guitars that aren’t here right now [that’s another story for another day])…, but I quickly realized that it just wasn’t the same… my actively playing is not the same as being sung to… but, what if I recorded it?… then I could sit and listen to it afterward… for as long as I wish…

Recalling my wish to share music with others, evaluating that it would be a good way for me to make sure it is worth hearing more than once, and determining that it would be possible, I determined to make a recording to share with all my extended friends online… and all posterity… 😛

As I go to bed this Sunday night, I have listened multiple times to both of my songs that I shared this weekend, and I have loved them dearly… if anyone is able to enjoy them as I have, I am thrilled… and, even if no one has, I still am thrilled – I was confident enough to share them, I wanted to share them, I did share them, and I listened to and enjoyed them thoroughly… just lovely.

Yet another case of my kakizome coming to fruition in my life… self-trust/self-confidence and heart were definitely present in these small yet momentous tasks of the weekend.

Good job, Banana.

Now, bedtime, since you supposedly have to do this whole work thing in only a matter of hours… we’ll see how that all goes… 😛

Post-a-day 2020