Hot commodity/mess

Have you ever been a hot commodity?

It’s somewhat of a newer experience for me, though, in this particular situation, I’ve been of a similar status for quite a while.

The thing about it is that, it’s wonderful when those I want taking advantage of my presence are there to take advantage, and no one I don’t particularly want taking advantage of my presence gets in the way…

But it never really goes that way, now does it?

When everyone appreciates one’s value, everyone wants to benefit from that value…

And I do give back loads…, but, sometimes, I just want to go out and enjoy myself, and not bother with all of the newer, inexperienced folk expending my energy.

Of course, and then I run the risk of being considered utterly snobby, thinking myself above everyone else.

However, especially recently, I am starting to understand why so many people have given up trying not to seem snobby… it just takes too much effort to care what so many people think when, just every once in a while, they want to have some fun for themselves, not have to have things be a helping-out, volunteer-y time.

Yeah, I get that now… no wonder so many of them seem so stuck-up…

So, while I love having my talent and skills, it’s not always great being a hot commodity, when people’s feelings and opinions are so easily injured.

Those are my thoughts to share for tonight. ūüôā

(Good luck with your own hot commodity situations ;))

Post-a-day 2018

Advertisements

OCD for the win! (for once)

Tonight, the OCD within me has done me some good – by going that extra step with various cleaning tasks tonight, preparing for guests, I earned some “serious roommate points” from my housemate. ūüėõ

Win-win situation for us, and it was caused by my OCD.

OCD was a good thing for once!

Post-a-day 2018

Sniffingly a homemaker

Walking through Target tonight, I found myself moving in a sort of comfortable, meditative state… It was late, and I was rather tired from the day… I took several times over the usual time it takes me to obtain an equal number and variety of items at the store… and I somehow didn’t mind it… ¬†I guess this just supports my theory that I secretly – read ‘subconsciously’ – want to be a homemaker-housewife. ¬†When I first moved into my own apartment several years ago, and then again in Japan (when I had to start from, basically, scratch), I felt a certain flow of mental chemicals that delighted me through and through, in a comfortable,¬†this is where I belong sort of way whenever I was shopping for apartment-related items, house items. ¬†And it isn’t to say that I belong¬†only as a homemaker or anything, but simply that it is somewhere of many somewheres where I do belong.

Tonight was no exception. ¬†I moved into a new home and with a new person yesterday, you see. ¬†She has most everything that goes in a house, and I have very little of that sort of stuff, so the match-up is rather good on that front (not to mention that we actually get along really well in the first place, because that isn’t the point). ¬†However, my whole OCD compulsions have me need my own cleaning supplies. —You see, it isn’t enough just to have cleaning supplies. ¬†They must also be nice to the planet, nice to the nose and eyes, and themselves clean (their containers), while kept in a clean space. ¬†Show me a bottle of cleaner that has been under a cabinet and has a thin layer of dust on it, and I won’t even touch it until you have cleaned the bottle. ¬†I probably also with have slight inner daytime terrors of the fact that the bottle is dirty. ¬†Anyway, back to the main point of this all… —- ¬†So, I was at Target, seeking out these cleaning supplies for me for my new home.

I walked calmly, despite the inward thought of how late it must be. ¬†I felt confidence every time I set down the basket and gave a once-over to a certain type of product. ¬†I gracefully selected bottles whose scents I wanted to test, and euphorically sampled their natural essential oil-filled smells. ¬†I smiled at each, and even¬†mmm-ed a few, closing my eyes to embrace the scent. ¬†I usually take my time with scents – I even stop to smell flowers much more often than is common, just to smell them and to indulge myself. ¬†It’s alway sa bit of a bummer whenever I find flower bunches at stores that don’t even smell (or don’t smell good). ¬†Whole Foods is one of those stores.

Anyway, so I take my time with (good) smells, enjoying them, allowing my brain to do any work it feels appropriate whenever it crosses a familiar scent. ¬†I was told when I was quite young that scent was the strongest sense for recalling memory, and I’ve always kept that in mind for some reason, delighting in the silly scents that bring back memories. ¬†(Like how the hand soap in this one bathroom in the house where I once nannied smelled like my grandmother on my dad’s side. ¬†She hadn’t been alive for years at that point, and yet I had no doubt that it was the same smell that was usually on her, though I never seemed consciously to have noticed her having a specific scent before that moment.)

So, I was smelling slowly and comfortably, and enjoying all the familiar and new scents. ¬†One in particular, though I definitely didn’t want it as a cleaning supply, was the replication of some regular smell from some point in my childhood. ¬†I took a picture and sent it to my mom, telling her to go find one and to sniff it, so she could help me figure out why the scent is so specifically familiar. ¬†It was labeled as being scented “radish”, however it was not merely the scent of radishes that was familiar – it was that specific combination. ¬†Perhaps my mother had used that cleaning supply brand and scent at some point. ¬†Though, I’m not too sure of that being very likely, because it seems to be a newer scent from this brand, and because it relates to a specific summer-type memory for me, as opposed to just lots of childhood cleaning days. ¬†I’m looking forward to figuring out that one. ¬†It might take me a little while, a few months’ even, but I am confident that, as with others in the past, I will figure it out.

Post-a-day 2018

 

It’s all relative

It only takes a trip to somewhere worse to appreciate coming home to a place one was initially glad to leave.

I’ve been doing that a lot recently, but switching between going to somewhere worse and to somewhere better, constantly flipping my perspective back and forth (and, ultimately, leaving me moving in no real direction at all most of the time).

Post-a-day 2018

How do You shave?

One of my favorite memories from my childhood is the time my brother, sister, and I bonded over shaving legs in the living room. ¬†You see, our dad’s house used to be a duplex, and so the upstairs and downstairs had the same floorpan, giving the girls – the upstairs lots – our very own living room. ¬†It was normal circumstances for us girls and maybe a girlfriend of one of theirs to hang out on lazy afternoons and evenings there. ¬†Occasionally, our bother would join us. ¬†On one particular night, my eldest sister had decided to allow me to shave her legs for her, while we watched some television show. ¬†I was around eight or ten years old.

In my panic of doing it, worried that I would slice open her leg or something, my brother joined in on the adventure, to show that it was definitely doable by me, since he had never shaved legs, but¬†he was able to do it safely. ¬†And so, he shaved her left leg, and I shaved her right, while she lay on the rug in the living room. ¬†Such beautiful sibling bonding time. ¬†ūüėõ

Post-a-day 2018

A letter from my past self

The following is the transcription of a letter I found this week. ¬†(Yes, it was in one of the boxes of papers and folders and such.) ¬†I wish I had found it months ago, when I’d first returned from Japan. ¬†However, it still did me loads of good when I read it the other day. ¬†While I missed out on some bits it mentions, I actually did a really good job of fulfilling most of the tasks prescribed in it… a version of them, anyway.

Anyway, it is a letter I wrote to myself when I was still on my college campus, about to leave to study abroad in Germany and Austria. ¬†As per standards of our school’s study abroad program, we all had to write our future selves a letter, which would be mailed to us upon our return from our study abroad programs. ¬†I fully acknowledge that mine is full of grammatical errors, but that was part of why I was going abroad anyway – to improve my language skills. ¬†Also, the whole letter is written in cursive, because I do that. ¬†The third sentence actually caused me to tear up, and the fourth had me crying. ¬†It’s amazing how right I was, and I really didn’t know that I ever would be in the current situation in which I find myself.

……………………

10. April 2012
Dienstag

Hannah Leigh, chèrie,

Ich weiss nicht, was muss ich dir sagen. ¬†Ich kenne dich nicht, weil du so viel gechanged hast. ¬†Welcome home – may it still feel that way to you. ¬†You are forever welcome here, so remember that – you might need it some day. ¬†Okay, here’s what I want you to do:

1) Go record it.  Get on your computer, write up any questions
you would love for others to ask, & then record yourself
answering them.  Then you can do what you want with
it all, but you will have that satisfaction, that completeness,
wholeness of having shared what you needed, desired, wanted
to share.

2) Talk to people.  Make a quick list of what specifically you already
have wanted to share with whom.  Call each person & set up when
& where you will share what you have to share.  Share with them.

3) Talk to Opa.  No matter where he is, go visit him & talk with
him completely in German.

4) Find someone local with whom you can be open, close, & frank, & speak
only German (or completely German) together with ease.

5) Remember that it’s all right not to “know” who you are. ¬†Knowing
makes no difference, anyway, so no good reason to bother with it.
Look yourself in the mirror & see all that has passed, & be open to
all that will come.

6) You are woman & you create the universe with your being.  Your
power is endless, & it is selfless love that feels it.  Love your
mother & your Mother.  Love your self wholly, & your next
step will become available and visible to you.

7) Be at peace.  Even if it was &/or is hard, it is all relative.
Take it for the beneficial experience that it is, & enjoy every
bit you have gotten & will get from it all.

8) Now & every time you see that it just might possibly help,
take a deep breath & close your eyes, letting your thoughts
run around & then calm naturally as you breathe deeply.

I love you & I wish you all the best.  I am here with you always, though I will now be transformed from the time I wrote this letter.  My understanding & my love have only increased & expanded, I promise.  You are wonderful.  You are beautiful.  You are mine.

I love you.  Love me, too.
‚̧ Peace ¬† ¬† ¬† Hannah Leigh

 

P.S. Pretend I pressed a flower in here to give you a wholesome smile & kiss. ¬†ūüôā oxox

…………………………………………………..

Post-a-day 2018