Well, looks like the gas’s being out will be another few days at the least, and will cost use a minimum of a thousand dollars. Ugh. God, please, give us the strength to handle all of this with grace and ease. Thank you for my successful adapted shower tonight. Help us to eat healthily, even without our normal means of cooking. Help me to find fulfilling and paying work. In your name, I pray. Amen.
You know, I almost got to bed at a decent hour tonight. But then, of course, one thing came up, and it took forever to get done, and then I was just tired but determined still to get some more things handled that I’d already intended to handle before bed tonight. And so, here I am after 12:30 already, still not asleep. Thank you, God, that I am in my way to sleep, though! And thank you for the awesome progress! This house is truly starting to feel like a home. Amen!
And so it is that the bedroom feels much more like a bedroom now. Not that it didn’t before feel like a bedroom, but that it now feels like a bedroom that could be my bedroom… one in which I actually could want to live and sleep and dress and all. No, it certainly isn’t complete, of course, but the bulky furniture is swapped out for things that fit much better and leave loads more space around the bed; the dark shag rug is gone; and the floors and baseboards have all been wonderfully cleaned. It is an awesome move for today, and I am incredibly grateful to have gotten it all done. Now, I am absurdly wiped and must sleep. Asap. Goodnight.
I am growing increasingly fond of my own home. I say this cautiously, as I have a tendency to avoid the world outside, so to speak, when I reach that intense panic point of my OCD. However, that is not the same experience as what I am currently discovering and referencing. This current experience is one of noticing that I enjoy being in my own home, and that I prefer it to staying in other people’s homes (like my mother’s or my aunt’s house). I am not afraid of staying elsewhere or going elsewhere – there is no fear or overall stress involved in this experience. It is ease and delight that guide this experience for me, instead of agoraphobia or any other phobia. I just enjoy being in my own home.
I like tidying at home, or rearranging furniture, or just plain lying on my floor. I like having a space where I am surrounded by intentionally selected items, all of which, to some degree or other, bring me joy. And not, I have not yet completed the KonMari method. But, just from what I have done already, I can feel the space as one in which I like to spend my time. The only reasons I really even go to the common areas downstairs are because 1)that’s where the bathroom is, 2)that’s where the kitchen is, 3)my barbell just wouldn’t work on the third floor of an old house, and 4)the daytime lighting is spectacular down there. Otherwise, I’m not sure I ever would bother. And, on many days where I get to stay home, I don’t. I’ll spend almost the entire day up in my space. I supposed the only down side to this is that it is a lot harder to get myself outdoors when outdoors is neither very visible nor very accessible, three floors below. But I have been working on that lately.
Anyway, that’s just something I’ve been noticing tonight. I think there is an important balance between loving what I have around me and being attached to what I have around me. I have actively pursued appreciating the convenience of my own things while allowing other things to be what I use, and I feel that this has benefitted me greatly (as opposed to being upset at not having my own something or other, I make it work with what is available to me where I am, and acknowledge that, while my stuff would have been great, the current stuff will suffice for now).
At that, I’m off to bed in not my bed in not my house. I hope I sleep amazingly tonight and awaken rested and blessed with health, vitality, and energy for the day.
I guess one of the measures of knowing we feel truly at home somewhere is when we feel any sense of annoyance at having to stay the night away from that somewhere. My mom and I have to go out of town for the day tomorrow, and we are leaving around seven AM, so she convinced me to come stay at her house to get. It felt absurd to drive separately, and I didn’t want to deal with her constant complaints at ha but to drive an extra fifteen minutes to pick me up and drop me off on the way. (So, instead, I drove half an hour out here, to ride with her tomorrow an extra fifteen to twenty minutes each way, and then to drive myself the half hour home afterward… right?! And I’m the one who lives in the “inconvenient” place in town… closer to everything…)
Anyway, so I’m at my mom’s house… and I really just wish I were at home, in my own space and my own bed with my own decorations and systems and energy. I had a time this summer where I was very uncomfortable being alone at my place. This is the first time since then that I have noticed a distinct feeling of annoyance and disdain for having to stay at my mom’s instead of my place. Her house was my safe refuge before. Now, my space is my safe space, my oasis of calm, where I feel I belong.
And that is a very beautiful thing to discover for myself. I am extremely grateful.
I just realized that this order expires this coming Thursday… who would have thought I would long to be forced to stay at home?
I have been so delightfully productive with my time, and so emotionally healthy because of it all lately…, I want to keep it up a while longer, I believe.
I have more to accomplish before I am ready to release myself on the normal world again.
At the very least, I suppose I had better get to work on a few specific things already this weekend, then, if I want to be sure they’re handled before outing life begins anew…
You’re right – you will be okay… you will make it through all of this, and be the better for it, and even more so than you currently can imagine.
You can do it.
And it’s okay to be scared a bit, too, and to cry a lot… totally part of the whole process of turning into the person you want to be. 😉
Peace and Love be unto, from, and within you
Hannah of the future
I probably could use a good one right now…
There was an old woman who swallowed a fly, but I don’t know why she swallowed the fly…
But I do… she probably had something die in the walls of her house, and the blood flies appeared one morning outing seemingly nowhere, and she was bombarded by them only hours later as she hung up the fly paper strands from the ceiling, because they had quadrupled since that morning, and so she was crying and crying and packing a bag quickly so she could leave and stay elsewhere while the fly papers did their work (she hoped, anyway), and, as she wondered how the hidden dead creature would be found at the end of the week (that was just beginning) when the exterminator came for their long visit, when it was only Sunday currently, and she slipped on her hurried and panicked way down the stairs, carrying her hurriedly-packed bag and other necessary items for the week, and, as she called out in her slip, a fly ran into her open, inhaling mouth…
Or something like that…
I mean, it’s just an idea… no reason for that particular scenario to have come to mind… no reason at all… except for what happened today, of course…. so glad the last bit actually didn’t happen…, but I could totally see it as having been a horrible top-off for the whole miserable part of the day…., but I’m glad it didn’t.
Itch itch itch itch
Itch itch itch itch
Sure, some raccoons have been ha sled (literally), but the fleas are still around, and I suddenly have a handful of extremely itchy spots…
I guess it was useful that my mother gave me a bottle of ammonia the other day, despite the fact that it was over a week after I didn’t need it anymore… guess I need it now.
Hmm… this really is quite dreadful… what shall I do l, when we can’t treat with a bomb or anything of the sort, due to the nature of the house and what has to happen here regularly – there is no naturally flea bomb yet, is there?!
Just sprays so far, which has certainly done a good job of killing them, but only when I manage to spray them directly.
So much for sleeping soundly anymore – that might have been the best part of the retreat this weekend…(not having to worry about fleas)
R(ac)oonmate Part III
Within just two days of two guys stepping up and volunteering their time and efforts to help where pest control has thus far failed, we have evidence to support my case…
Evidence beyond doubt of a raccoon’s living with me:
Further evidence to support my belief and argument that it had become a family living with me:
Appropriate reaction to evidence:
So, we’ve only one captured so far, but they are so darn cute, these babies!
Almost makes the whole thing immediately forgives me.
(Actually, I’ve already forgiven the raccoon, but maybe don’t tell anyone about that yet…)
There are still more to gather – they ran off to the far side of the house, and then light ran out for the day, so the search had to stop… also, rain is expected, so it might be a bit before the walls can be opened up again (since it is done from the outside of the house).
The saga is coming to a close, but not before we’ll have to deal with a “monster rat” seen under the house today…, so there’s still a bit more to go, in addition to the raccoons.
Hopefully, all goes well, and the critters all move out!
As for now, signing off – goodnight!