I wonder when I’ll have someone with whom I can enjoy both for dinner…
I wonder when I’ll have someone with whom I can enjoy both for dinner…
I have just had another few sips/gulps from my freshly-made berry-veggie smoothie. It is delicious. But it is not fulfilling what my body needs, somehow – it is not entirely what I want. It has helped, but it is not sufficient.
As I walk into the pantry, I sigh and ask aloud, “What do I want?… Ugh… I want….” My arms have moved outward and curved downward as the end to the last sentence. In my peripheral vision, I see that my hands are cupping gently and loosely the area just in front of my pelvis, in front of my uterus and groin. I say, without having thought about it, “I want warm sex?” and then give a soft snort-sigh at the absurdity of my statement. I am here for food. That isn’t food.
I consider this a few moments, and then jump further into the absurd: What food is warm, satisfying sex?, I ask myself in my head, as though there were a cookbook somewhere with this information listed, and I am aiming to recall what foods are on the list, like proteins or vitamin-B-rich foods.
To my astonishment, after a few moments, I say, “A soupy broth, poured over a pile…bowl of deeply spiced, veggie-filled, hot quinoa. Hot.”
Yeah, my thoughts tell me, that’s it.
And I think they must be right. After all, they are the ones who came up with the concept in the first place.
I guess I’m having hot sex… for dinner tonight…?
(If that isn’t roflcopter, I’m not sure what is.)
^So fantastically easy, I almost forgot even to comment on it or notice!
I find myself yet again thinking on the idea of exclusivity in a dating (or marital) relationship. We say we want an exclusive relationship. But what does that truly mean?
If we have a problem, we go only to one another?
If that is the case, then why would we not want to seek a doctor for medical advice, or a teacher on a specific topic on which we may seek knowledge. Our partner is not necessarily the one who will have the answers we need, and likely doesn’t not expect us to rely on him or her for things outside of his or her own specialties.
What about that, when we have special news, we go first to one another?
Well, what happens to the best friends and sisters and mothers and brothers in this case? They have held such roles for most of our lives, oftentimes. Are they suddenly replaced by this partner’s having come around? Or, at any rate, have they lost their places as our confidantes in life? We do not expect them to do that, I believe. It is more that the partner joins the ranks of such individuals for us.
These are merely two examples of my thoughts on this matter. Their having been said, I move to my great point of concern.
Is it more so a matter of sexual exclusivity that we seek, when we declare a desire for an exclusive relationship?
That thought has been bugging me for quite some time now…
I want to deny it, but I cannot do so effectively yet. And I’m not sure if I ever will be able to do so.
I know that I want to be, in a way, mentally ever-present for my partner, and I want the reverse so, too. I want to be sexually exclusive with one another, and because we both want that specifically – not because we are restraining ourselves in some way from acting on desires with others. I want us to trust and to love and to want to be with one another in all ways, and for us to be okay whenever we are apart – we are so confident in one another’s love and support. We will be always there for one another, and we will speak honestly and openly with one another.
And I don’t want to be in any other kind of relationship with a potential partner, even at the very beginning.
I talked openly about sexual abuse with someone yesterday. And about body parts. And sexual intercourse.
There was no anger or wrong-making or freaking out. We just talked. Questions were asked and answered calmly, honestly, and genuinely. And the conversation eventually comfortably and naturally moved onward into something else.
And nothing was weird. And we both gained an unexpected degree of value from the conversation.
And wouldn’t the world be a better place, if we could have informative, open, and safe conversations about more of these traditionally taboo and sensitive topics?
My world certainly has improved since they have become part of my everyday life. It was really, really scary at first, and difficult. And awkward and uncomfortable. Now, though, it has become quite normal and easy. And I am grateful for that every time such an opportunity and conversation arise.
^Right in the middle of typing it, I caught myself, and so got it right 😛
I swear: My menstrual cycle makes me feel like it is made to point out to me that I am single in this world designed for my species to partner up. At certain specific points throughout my cycle, my body very clearly reminds me of how desperately it wants me to have a partner already, as though my brain weren’t already on the lookout for that partner all day, every day. 😛
Actually, I don’t actively think about finding a partner most of the time. In a way, I trust God and Fate and the Universe that things will be sorted beautifully in my life, including my partner-in-life situation, and so don’t really spend much time or effort on the matter directly. The other end of that, though, is that I believe everything will work perfectly when I am working perfectly – when I am ready within myself and no longer need but want that partner, he will show up. I am designed to be self-sufficient, but to work perfectly with another, producing more love and beauty in the world than I ever could have produced on my own. I look forward to that with pitter-patters in my heart anticipation. But I no longer spend much time focusing on the finding him portion of that. Instead, I focus most of my attention on improving myself, such that I soon will be ready for him to arrive and for us to work together and create some new magic.
Until that time, however, I think I am stuck with these physical reminders of goosebumps and inner tingles every 14-ish days. 😛
******Warning: potentially uncomfortable content here, though no intention of being offensive in any way. Just giving you a heads up that it talks about sex and some uncommonly publicly discussed topics.********
A friend was talking to me recently about the seeming pointlessness of honeymoons for the average couples nowadays. Typically, they are already having sexual intercourse with one another before marrying, and most have at least some version of living together, be it that one stays over st the other’s place often/regularly, or that they actually do live together. The whole purpose of a honeymoon was for a couple, in many senses, to get to know one another and to grow comfortable being together in an intimate way, that being physically, emotionally, and sexually.
And I tend to wonder with this friend on his particular topic: Is the honeymoon really anything special or valuable most of the time anymore? Is it not merely just a vacation together, and likely not the first?
So, I was thinking about the Fifty Shades books this evening, and a conversation I was having with a different friend last night. We were discussing shaving and laser hair removal at one point, and found ourselves discussing, in a space of somewhat silly comfort, personal preferences of shaving, as well as various cultural theories on pubic hair in terms of sexual intimacy and pleasure. For example, when I did some research on The Vagina Monologues several years ago, I heard a good handful stories from women that really stuck with me, as they were about how physically uncomfortable they women were when they shaved off all of their pubic hair. A few of them had gone to marriage counseling, and the therapist had recommended they shave fully, because their husbands liked it, and that would help their sexual and therefore whole relationship. But these women were in actual pain during intercourse, when they had no pubic hair… and that idea blew my mind.
You see, I grew up with significantly older sisters who were in the category of ‘shave almost everything, but leave a touch for aesthetic purposes’. I also heard about their sexual lives, whether anyone paid attention to that or not. This idea that women would be in physical pain not having their pubic hair was very striking for me. And hat they would have pain during intercourse was even more striking… that’s meant to be one of the most pleasurable experiences in life, yet it had become something of torture for these women… and even with men they loved.
So, we were talking about all of this, gently yet honestly and openly, and something eventually brought up a reference to the Fifty Shades books. So, tonight, the books came back to mind, and I somehow found myself thinking of Fifty Shades’s various sexual activities, and wondering if the average couple every bothered to explore any of those activities, or if they kind of just told each other, ‘I like this,’ and left it at that.
And then I wondered if they even tell each other anything about their likes and dislikes sexually, let alone discussed exploring it all together newly.
And it hit me that that is exactly what could be accomplished on a honeymoon for the average couple nowadays. I fully believe that a relationship works best with continuous effort and intention and communication on all of this – it is not a one-time thing. However, it is often not an easy topic for most people to broach, and a honeymoon just seems like an easy enough in for such a conversation, be it verbal or only physical. A honeymoon was originally established as a means of growing comfortable together. Why can people not still have it be that?: a growing opportunity. Then, hopefully, even of a couple has been together for years, sexually active together for years, perhaps they can explore together sexually, and discover not only new bings they each like and dislike, but also find a new depth to their relationship and intimacy, a further comfort they may or may not have noticed was lacking before.
It’s not a perfect idea, but it is one I think is worth pursuing. Especially for the people who feel that one must have sex with another before marriage, so as not to be stuck with someone where the chemistry is just a mess, or something like that, the honeymoon could be a real opportunity for paying special attention to sexual exploration and comfort for both members of the marriage, in a way they never had before then. It’s not about visiting sights in a foreign land, but about visiting sights and experiences with one another that have been foreign or frightening (in terms of comfort, not safety) thus far, with risk of embarrassment. That, ‘I’ve always wondered about that,’ sexual activity could be a huge part of exploring together on a honeymoon.
Anyway… just my two cents from tonight’s casual thinking. Take it or leave it, as you wish. 😉 Though, I’m totally hoping you take it with you and share it. ;D
Women just about everywhere hate them, yet single women just about everywhere with digital means of communication cannot escape them…
They are The Dick Pics.
Why do men seem to want to send them to us women?
After much contemplation and casual discussion, a girlfriend of mine and I hit something that made a lot of sense: Guys would love to receive the reciprocal from a woman, and so they somehow believe that 1)women will appreciate their offering theirs free of charge or request, and 2)it will be a way for them to receive the response photo from the women receiving their photo.
It makes sense.
Except for the fact that women don’t typically like the dick pics… like at all…., and they openly say so to the public.
Yet men keep doing it.
It is even illegal in some places now, to provide an unsolicited photo of one’s penis.
I have never received a dick pic, actually.
But I’m not on dating sites, for one thing.
And I also wouldn’t be interested in dating anyone who might consider a dick pic to be a possibility period, let alone a good idea.
So, while a small part of me feels like I am missing out by having not ever received one of these photos, a much greater part of me is grateful for not having to have that in my life.
If and when I have a partner in my life, I can see all the up-close and personal genitalia I want – until that time, no photos, please… and thank you.
Tonight, I could have remedied this small situation of minor FOMO*, as a distant friend of mine reached out, telling me that he was in the mood, and could he send me a photo?
That wasn’t the typical request regarding photos… usually they ask for a photo of us…, so, I asked what he meant, and he replied:
I’m in the mood
A long messaging conversation ensued, in the middle of which, I reached out to a close male friend of mine for guidance as to how to handle the situation.
Apparently, this guy just likes sharing himself with women who enjoy seeing him (specifically his genitalia) – he gets a rise out of it.
And he admits this openly and fully.
And, while I adamantly denied the dick pic request, I thanked him for his frankness and for his asking me for permission – the two are rare, and they were much appreciated.
He said he didn’t understand why a guy ever would send such a photo unsolicited and without permission, and was surprised at the idea that they nonetheless do it often.
Whatever the case, we ended up messaging about other things, once it was fully settled that I did not want what he had to offer to me tonight, and it was actually really, really cool.
I actually feel like we have more of a friendship now, because of it… and especially because of our openness and honesty with one another.
At any given moment, I could have gotten all offended.
But I didn’t… I have him space to be himself, and accepted his honesty… as I said to myself earlier, he was genuinely just asking for help.
Just because it was not a common request or one with which I was very comfortable did not mean that I needed to freak out or grow angry or grossed out with him.
It was rather refreshing, then, dealing with pure honesty in such a situation.
It was like the opposite of an affirmative yes, and in the best of ways… an affirmative no, in a way.
So, I still have no dick pic, and I am totally happy with that… totally…
And I am also grateful for the upfront honesty and no-nonsense of this guy tonight – it was awesome. 🙂
*For those who are not aware, it means Fear Of Missing Out.
I seem to do a very decent job of rejecting guys and making it abominably clear that it ain’t happenin’, and then being friends with them (or, at least, good acquaintances).
A man once invited me on a vacation.
Well, he asked me about inviting me on a vacation – ‘What if I invited you on a trip?’ kind of thing.
He, we both knew, had something specific in mind for a guaranteed part of that trip’s itinerary, no matter the destination of the trip.
I informed him clearly that, no, it wouldn’t happen – not doing it that way either, man… but thanks for asking, instead of assuming and all that jazz.
And he, naturally, was bummed, but he also got over it.
Years later, we have turned somewhat into friends.
I call him out on his bs, and never hold it against him.
He calls me on the phone, and has slowly begun talking about genuine things with me, instead of the casual, surface-level chitchat most of the world seems to be comfortable living in.
Today, we were just talking about what we were up to this evening and the past week or so, and I was sharing about my nature time here in Madison, and how, since international travel for vacation is not exactly a thing for the next while, I was considering expanding my goal of visiting Texas parks to include other parts of the country… get to know nature here, so to speak.
One of those places is Utah.
In a sneaky and, basically, magical way, Utah is pulsing with glorious natural wonders.
And I want to spend some time with at least some of them.
When I was sharing about this desire, the guy expressed his total agreement, and said that Utah is truly an amazing place for nature.
I casually asked, in a sly yet joking voice, “Do you wanna take me to Utah?”, knowing that he would remember his offer from years back, and he would know that I was making a joke about it.
He replied, with no actual hesitation, and in a voice so sober as I have only occasionally heard from him, “I would take you anywhere.”
Aww… that’s sweet of you, I told him, and we moved on along in the conversation.
It was a simple comment, and, though it could have been interpreted quite differently when not hearing it said, it was clearly a genuine compliment, both in its meaning and in the speaker’s sincerity in speaking it.
It warmed me, hearing that phrase from him this evening.
He knows that I won’t take him up on his initial offer, and so he wasn’t just saying it in hopes of getting me to go – not at all.
He was saying it, because, in a way, he meant it.
And he still wants me to agree to it, his original offer…. a fact that, in its own odd way, warms my heart ever so slightly…
Because it is nice to be wanted…, even physically and sexually…. I won’t deny that it is especially nice to be wanted by someone so entirely desirable as this guy is, either.
And, even for his little bit of genuine meaning it with his statement, it was well worth hearing him say it, and knowing that the compliment of being so desirable was still there.
Especially now, when I’ve been working so hard on my physical body, I appreciate such a compliment (especially when it is absent of the ridiculous vulgarity too many people seem to express so openly these days)… and it is especially sweet, because this guy doesn’t even know how I’ve physically improved in the past year plus, yet he still holds such an opinion of me…
Compliment, indeed, and I’ll take it! 😛
“I’d take you anywhere,” said a deep, kind, and sober voice over the phone… and, for that few seconds, she took flight in the traces of human love found in that statement, and imagined what kind of person would take her anywhere… she doesn’t really see that happening with him, but she believes that someone is out there, getting ready for her and all the absurdity and love she has to offer, and that she is seeking.
Somehow, I have found myself thinking about pornography lately.
And no, not in the sense of indulgence or grossness or anything like that.
In the sense of this question: How are people supposed to be exposed to the body, and to sexual interaction initially, to be informed on the subject and not have to be afraid of it all?
The unfortunate answer side seems to have only one measly answer: pornography.
And, while I very much dislike the intended use of pornography, I could understand it from an educational approach… well… the more vanilla side of it all, anyway.
It had me thinking how, in a traditional normal household, a child is somewhat likely, at least once in his life, to walk in on his parents having sex, right?
That exposure, to me, seems important and possibly necessary for that child.
However, I feel that that exposure alone is not enough for the child to develop a healthy relationship to the concept of sex.
How is he supposed to learn what a positive versus negative relationship with sex is?
How is he supposed to understand truly what is normal (and versus abnormal) for the human bodies of a male and female in the world of sexual interaction?
Many people, I suppose, would say that that‘s the whole point of someone’s first sexual interaction: awkward discovery.
(But many people don’t have that opportunity, and for many reasons…. It could be age difference, personality difference, an abuse history, or even fear of the whole thing…)
But what if it didn’t have to be like that most of the time, with so many people living in worry about getting it right or being good enough or knowing what to do or what is normal?
I’ve mentioned before about how these cave-people books talk about how certain women would be selected each summer to be the sexual guides for all the newly-established men of the tribes, and, when females were declared women, they would have a special ceremony, for which a specific man was selected to be the first sexual encounter for the newly-established woman.
No, they aren’t exactly the same approach, but they both have value, and I think a combination of them would be supremely valuable for a people as a whole.
What a beautiful way for people to learn the human body and sexual interaction in a healthy and loving way…
Granted, it only worked because the whole tribe would select carefully and consciously the people who would be the sexual guides, and there were various restrictions and rules about it all to keep everyone safe, both physically and emotionally/psychologically.
However, it worked beautifully, and everyone had a positive foundation in the realm of the human body and sexual encounters and relationships… they also knew when things were off, and were comfortable reaching out to others about it, because the body and sex were not taboo topics.
Hmm… anyway… just some thoughts… I don’t have plans to revolutionize the world with this, and I know it isn’t perfect, but I think it would be a great brainstorming start for our time in the world…
“You’d tell him, but not me?” he asks, somewhat incredulously.
“Yeah,” she replies, matter-of-factly, “That’s the kind of relationship he and I have. I mean, he’s not trying to have sex with me. You are.”
He laughs strongly for a few moments, mumbles, and then adds, “It’s so weird… people don’t usually just say that… even if they know it.”
She shrugs, even though he can’t see her, “Yeah. Well, it’s true, nonetheless.”
“I, I know… But people just don’t usually say that out loud,” he says, and he laughs some more, but it is not as pronounced.
He remembers that she is not typical, by any means…, which is exactly why he resists being friends with her: he can’t seem to categorize her.
She wonders if he’ll ever be able to move past this attachment he seems to have to sex and the likes in their chats… that’s what he had been asking about in the first place, though in what she found to be a bothersome evasive and indirect way… she doesn’t mind mention of such things, when they are relevant, but she prefers and genuinely enjoys all the other topics they end up on whenever they talk… that’s why she bothers with the acquaintanceship – she is aiming to be friends, even ones who only talk on occasion.
Besides, she thinks to herself a while later, recalling the conversation, as she reflects on the message she just received, not only is he not trying to sleep with me, but he says things like this to me:
Quando ridi si pronunciano molto i tuoi zigomi. Risata fantastica!!🤩
“When you laugh, your cheekbones are very pronounced. Fantastic laugh!!”
And then he follows it up with:
Volevo fare un apprezzamento su di una cosa che mi piace di te….
“I wanted to show appreciation to you for something I like about you.”
Very different relationships.
Very different men, and with very different goals.
She tends to prefer the cheekbones one over the other…. the one who wants to be a friend over the one who wants to be a friend with benefits…, and possibly minus the friend part of it…
She is glad she told him a straightforward explanation, and that she asked him straight out why he had wanted her to drink with him.
The cards are on the table, and she doesn’t have to play.