So much for fair…

Can I just say that it sometimes feels totally unfair that certain boys end up having the bodies of men (and girls, the bodies of women) when they are still in the slightly awkward phase of semi-idiocy that is high school?

There they are, prime adult physique, the epitome of evolution doing its darndest to make sure the species continues onward in the world, surrounded by various stages of true boyhood and immaturity, that being physical, psychological, and mental immaturity….. and yet, they look to all onlookers to be men…., ready to stand for a modern Michelangelo or Botticelli…

And, usually, they have no idea the effect they can have on other people.

Sure, some, unfortunately, are harassed by the worst of breeding, and therefore have a sense of something being askew… but, for the most part, they tend only to think of themselves as doing well, as being blessed with good genes and a good bodily development.

The fact that their minds are so far behind makes it hard on the adults around them, and the fact that their bodies are so far ahead makes it hard on the youth around them.

They also, somehow, serve as not so much a reminder, but as a calling out of the fact that so many men these days are not maintaining and hosting such healthy bodies as these man-boys (and the same with women and the woman-girls)… the prime of the physical body is arriving so soon, and lost before they are even fully developed in the brain, it sometimes feels… (for the average, anyway)…

In a way, it is a blessing.

And, in a way, it kind of totally sucks to have to be around…

Anyway…, just some thoughts for tonight.

Sweet dreams, World! 😉

Post-a-day 2019

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Crazy Brain

Do you ever just go nuts in your mind, imagining the ideal desired future of some situation, even though you’ve only just begun?

I met a guy today (who is gorgeous, by the way).

The little girl in me is totally starstruck in love.

A short while after meeting him, my brain had already imagined and visualized a scenario in which this guy and I date and become super close and a wonderful couple, eventually semi living together, and, after months into it all, he meets my family, and my various family members have various reactions to him, as well as to the fact that I not only have been dating someone for so long but also that this guy is the guy I’ve been dating (because he’s not so typical of what others in my family have dated or married)… and, it was at about this point, I realized how nuts this situation was, and I just started laughing…

I met him about two hours ago, and I was just now contemplating – albeit passively – how my family would take the news of my dating him and, then, of our plans to marry… now, another few hours later, even though I chastened my brain a bit earlier, I have already considered the idea of how he and I might manage our wedding (wedding or not, and what style of what, and why), how we would live and where, and casual details of our physical relationship….

I know almost nothing about him, but clearly my brain does not care.

Is this a typical thing people do/have happen?

It is for me, anyway… I’ve come to see it as a double-benefit situation:

First, I get the fun and practice of dreaming up scenarios in life, as well as the chance to have everything go exactly as I would love for to to go – dreams come true.

Second, I get to test the idea of a future with someone, and have a general sense of whether I could see a future with that person.

I don’t expect my brain’s scenarios actually to play out in real life as they do in my head, and so I’m never angry whenever they don’t happen (though I am ever so slightly bummed, of course), and I take things as they come…, but it feels to me like my being able to envision a future with someone is a good sign – if I couldn’t imagine a future together, well, then maybe it’s a hard no for me, right?

That’s kind of how I see it, anyway… maybe my brain does it to help take care of me, to make sure I pursue the good paths and not the bad ones, giving me exciting possibilities in my mind, whenever I’ve found a good match for whatever the circumstances…

Either that or I’m just a little bit totally nuts… you know… 😛

P.S. A mere minutes after posting this, he and I now have a baby girl, and she is gorgeous, and he is absolutely adorable with her…

P.P.S. The funniest part to me is how I genuinely do think about other things, but they somehow all feed into another new thought about the future I could have with this guy… just now, I was thinking about the show we saw tonight, and then the summer camp where my brother loved working, and all the campers and kids there, and then the idea of how I would feel pregnant, if I ever one day would do it, and then I suddenly had an image of this guy holding what was clearly our baby girl… I mean, where did he even come from??… uninvited, he still shows up, and our future together progresses… 🤦🏼‍♂️😂

Post-a-day 2019

Cleaning out = unexpected exhaustion

I’m kind of exhausted.  And kind of feel like crying and curling up in a ball.
There have been a LOT of memories going through this stuff.  And, with that, has naturally come Loads of emotions.  Lots of them quite strong, too.
I guess that’s a big part of why I kept the stuff.

And as of this morning, I find myself not wanting to take on cleaning out and going through anything else right now.  Like I need a vacation from it.

Especially since so much of my stuff is disorganized amongst the various boxes, the task feels more exhausting.  Because, rather then opening up a box and re-living fifth grade, I open up a single box and am going through parts of fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and possibly even a memory or three from before and after those years.  And going through the memories of those years isn’t just ‘going through memories’.  It’s also re-experiencing the emotions and thoughts and thought patterns of it all.  So, in cleaning through one box, I am living several years – and from the very formative years – of my life in a matter of an hour or few.  Talk about exhausting… that is exhausting.

And I want a break from it for a little while, so my mind and my nerve endings can relax again and not be so constantly overwhelmed.

Post-a-day 2018

Monotony on the brain

As I flossed my teeth tonight, the idea hit me at one of the monotonous, repetitive things in life that, in a certain sense, just don’t make sense.  I occasionally have this happen with eating – actually, it’s rather often in recent months.  It suddenly occurs to me that, even after eating to satisfaction, at most, it will be only a few hours before we have to eat again.  It is this never-ending chain of requirement called food.  If we didn’t have to do that, imagine the time and mental energy (and physical energy) we could put to other things.  How much energy goes into managing eating in a single day?  In life as a whole?  How wasteful that is with our time…  Plus, it all just comes right back out of us anyway, and we’re burning energy to digest it all.  There’s got to be a better way to handle this need that we have for energy and nutrition…

And, of course, I simultaneously wonder if I’m just bat-sh** crazy and need brain shock therapy to rearrange the nonsense connections in my brain (and then wonder, yet again, if I’m crazy even more, since I just suggested shock therapy).  Eventually, I find myself having a delightful meal, and cannot fully comprehend how I was genuinely considering a lifestyle without food – as if it were possible right now, anyway – only days or moments before the current meal.

I think the real link is how stressed I can get about figuring out what to eat.  Because it really is that: figuring out.  There is no easy, obvious answer to the average What’s for lunch? question.  And, especially with my current setup, where I have almost zero fridge and kitchen usage, the question is even more difficult to answer.  I can’t even plan ahead, really, because I can’t store almost any food of any kind, room temperature or cold.  And I can’t really cook much either, because of the limited use situation.  So, I hit this phase of meal distaste often these days.  This is not to say that I didn’t hit it often in the past, because I totally did.  But that was mostly because I would be exhausted by the time I got home at the end of the day (or late at night), and didn’t feel like cooking anything.  Not because I had no options.  I had loads of options there.  But anyway…

So, tonight, flossing hit me the same way.  Why bother flossing, when food will just be right back at the very next meal?  And if we’re flossing now, why do we not floss after everything we eat?  (And then I remember how I regularly floss throughout the day, whenever I become aware of anything stuck or sticking in my teeth.)  And it’s not like monkeys floss, and they get along just fine with their teeth.  (Yes, I know they don’t have the crap diets we have, but I wish we could be more like them in both of those senses – not having to floss and not having crap diets that require us to brush and floss constantly.)  And so went the thoughts for a few seconds, before I required myself to get off the topic.  I knew it could turn disastrous if I didn’t stop asap.  (I’ve had some extreme bouts of stress and depression combined, when it comes to the whole food conversation I mentioned briefly here.)

So, yeah… that’s that topic.

Post-a-day 2018

::Sigh…

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t just be better to get a high-paying job in an office, and start saving up.  Then, after a couple or few years, start the process for adoption.  The only work so far that I have loved doing, without almost any question ever, is doing things with other people’s kids (nannying).  Maybe having a somewhat terrible corporate job in suits is worth it for having a kid…

I just don’t see myself happy each morning and each bedtime in a job like that, and that means bad sleep each night and a tough start to the day each morning.

I don’t know… sometimes I get depressive, and then desperate, and start calculating what ‘makes sense’ for life, as opposed to ‘listening to my heart’.  Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve even asked my heart what I/it want/wants to do with my life and time…

Now is as good a time as ever, I suppose.  🙂

 

P.S.  I’ve noticed that, whenever I get upset in the depressed, my life is going nowhere experience, I have an almost panicked desire to move to Europe, and it is most often France.  It’s not like I have any idea whatsoever what I would do there, or how that would solve any of my current issues.  Plus, it would create the issue of being away from almost everyone I know and love and who loves me, since most of them are in the US.  However, there’s just this feeling that arises that living in Europe somehow would just make everything okay, and in a good way (not just tolerable okay, but good okay).  Anyway, just something I noticed tonight.

Post-a-day 2018