What‚Äôs on your mind?

Every time we log in to Facebook, we are presented with this question: What’s on your mind?

Well, Facebook, painfully annoying stuff is on my mind tonight (and clearly I am not telling you about it ūüėā).

I’m finally, tonight, allowing myself to accept and experience the hurt I have from today and this past week.

It feels almost like déjà vu, and that seems to be what hurts the most about it all.

For the second time in a very short amount of time, I have met a guy and endeavoured to establish a relationship of friendship with him…, and I have been, while accepted at first, almost immediately denied the opportunity.

They aren’t being mean to me – not intentionally, anyway.

They actually are, in a way, being extremely nice in telling me that they don’t want to continue in the relationship (whatever kind it may be), as opposed to disappearing entirely or just slowly phasing me out of their lives intentionally.

However, what hurts about it all is that it feels like they didn’t even give me a real chance – they say they don’t think our personalities match up, or something like that, but they barely even took the time to discover anything about my personality.

This one, I’m not exactly clear if the comment was BS, in that he was actually just interested in a rebound dating relationship or sex after a recent breakup of his, and I was not sharing that intention in the friendship…

For one thing, can we please just speak honestly and openly about these things?

Would you just tell me what your intentions are, and we can figure out that way if our intentions align, or if we want to make them align?

Secondly, I was under the impression that he had a girlfriend – because he had had one when I had last seen him.

I was necessarily dealing with a mental dilemma, wondering if I was reading incorrectly into his seeming advances, or if he, in fact, was either A)in an open/polyamorous relationship, or B)was actively pursuing someone else despite his being in a relationship.

Whatever between the two, I was absolutely disinterested in being involved in the matter.

What’s more, I was looking for camaraderie or friendship, as I had said.

So, I was confused as to whether I needed to be disturbed with his behavior or whether I was seriously misunderstanding social cues from this person.

That was happening while I still aimed to be nice and un-prying – because who wants to be the person who calls him out on it, and finds out that he is in a loving relationship, and I was just way wrong and totally misread everything? – and give him the benefit of the doubt, that somehow this all could make sense, eventually.

Well, I found out eventually that his relationship had ended.

And then, after little else, he tells me that, ‘out of respect for me, he doesn’t think he’s interested in continuing our relationship.’

Okay… what relationship is that?

The one that never actually started, because I first didn’t understand what on Earth was going on, and then denied your somewhat unclear invitation – I think that’s what it had been intended to be, anyway – for sex?

Or was it for a dating relationship?

I genuinely do Not Know.

Like I said, I wish people just would be straight about this stuff, about their intentions.

I am not offended or the least bit upset, if you tell me that you would like to have sex with me and not have any other sort of relationship with me, or if you tell me that you are only interested in possibly dating me and don’t want to be friends of the dating doesn’t work out, or even if you say that you just want someone to date casually and with little-to-no commitment.

That would give me the chance to re-evaluate the situation, see how I feel about it all, and let you know if we line up or not… instead of your just assuming what my opinion on the matter would be.

I am extremely frustrated when you have clear intentions, but won’t make them clear to me… Just tell me, dang it(!!!).

What sucks so much, is that, had I known the situation ahead of time, I would have had a very different approach to it… I mean, he’s certainly an attractive guy, and I made several delighted grins at things he wrote or said to me… if I had known he was single and looking, I likely wouldn’t have been opposed.

But that isn’t something I can sort out properly in my head in an instant… I need a bit of breathing time to move someone from the ‘unavailable and off-limits’ category to ‘available and interested in me’ one…

Anyway…

I don’t know where I’m going with this right now… I’m just frustrated and hurt that, once again, a guy wasn’t straight with me, and so he has no idea what my thoughts or opinions are on the matter, but he decided he wanted to cut off all communication with me…

I’m an amazing person, and I truly know that.

It doesn’t mean this isn’t still frustrating, though.

What’s with people?

A friend said to me about it earlier that this seems to be something like a Millennial thing: The moment something starts to get uncomfortable, they ditch.

Granted, I’m not actually a Millennial, but the fad seems to be seeping into those near enough in age, and I am starting to feel like I have too many of those in my life right now.

Today, different people in two very different contexts told me that I am a lot to handle (and they didn’t mean it as an insult), both of them men.

One even said that most people are too superficial for me, and so my deepness and interest in being with people for real, on a real level, is hard for people who are used to living on the surface.

My cousin, in another unrelated conversation, mentioned to me that relationships with people can, in fact, develop beautifully and easily by people being straight and open and deep from the start with one another, as is evidenced by my relationship with my conversation exchange partner.

She brought that up on her own.

Another man told me, ‘You are a special woman. Remember that!’

I never thought a woman I [hardly know] could affect my life with such intensity.

Today, three different men and a woman affirmed voluntarily, with no request or prompt from me, that I am a wonderful person and am totally worth it, deserving of the best.

When does that happen in a single day?

Yet, what fills my mind is the one man who never even gave me a chance.

Why do our brains do this?

::big siiiigggggghhhhh………

I think I just need to experience and embrace this frustration, so I can let it all go.

Pick up, and release…

I’m hoping for a freeing feeling tomorrow…

Post-a-day 2020

Monotony on the brain

As I flossed my teeth tonight, the idea hit me at one of the monotonous, repetitive things in life that, in a certain sense, just don’t make sense. ¬†I occasionally have this happen with eating – actually, it’s rather often in recent months. ¬†It suddenly occurs to me that, even after eating to satisfaction, at most, it will be only a few hours before we have to eat again. ¬†It is this never-ending chain of requirement called food. ¬†If we didn’t have to do that, imagine the time and mental energy (and physical energy) we could put to other things. ¬†How much energy goes into managing eating in a single day? ¬†In life as a whole? ¬†How wasteful that is with our time… ¬†Plus, it all just comes right back out of us anyway, and we’re burning energy to digest it all. ¬†There’s got to be a better way to handle this need that we have for energy and nutrition…

And, of course, I simultaneously wonder if I’m just bat-sh** crazy and need brain shock therapy to rearrange the nonsense connections in my brain (and then wonder, yet again, if I’m crazy even more, since I just suggested shock therapy). ¬†Eventually, I find myself having a delightful meal, and cannot fully comprehend how I was genuinely considering a lifestyle without food – as if it were possible right now, anyway – only days or moments before the current meal.

I think the real link is how stressed I can get about figuring out what to eat. ¬†Because it really is that: figuring out. ¬†There is no easy, obvious answer to the average¬†What’s for lunch? question. ¬†And, especially with my current setup, where I have almost zero fridge and kitchen usage, the question is even more difficult to answer. ¬†I can’t even plan ahead, really, because I can’t store almost any food of any kind, room temperature or cold. ¬†And I can’t really cook much either, because of the limited use situation. ¬†So, I hit this phase of meal distaste often these days. ¬†This is not to say that I didn’t hit it often in the past, because I totally did. ¬†But that was mostly because I would be exhausted by the time I got home at the end of the day (or late at night), and didn’t feel like cooking anything. ¬†Not because I had no options. ¬†I had loads of options there. ¬†But anyway…

So, tonight, flossing hit me the same way. ¬†Why bother flossing, when food will just be right back at the very next meal? ¬†And if we’re flossing now, why do we not floss after everything we eat? ¬†(And then I remember how I regularly floss throughout the day, whenever I become aware of anything stuck or sticking in my teeth.) ¬†And it’s not like monkeys floss, and they get along just fine with their teeth. ¬†(Yes, I know¬†they don’t have the¬†crap diets we have, but I wish we could be more like them in both of those senses – not having to¬†floss and not having crap diets that require us to brush and floss constantly.) ¬†And so went the thoughts for a few seconds, before I required myself to get off the topic. ¬†I knew it could turn disastrous if I didn’t stop asap. ¬†(I’ve had some extreme bouts of stress and depression combined, when it comes to the whole food conversation I mentioned briefly here.)

So, yeah… that’s that topic.

Post-a-day 2018

Sleep, or stare at the wall?

Do you ever find yourself lying in bed at night, thinking about nothing in particular, and just lying there with the last light still illuminated, unsure of what you are doing?  It happens to me every so often.  I wonder if it has to do with stress or decisions, or even something else like that.  I was doing it just now, though I‚Äôm not sure why.  I just know that I suddenly realized that I am uttlery exhausted, and yet I have not even tried to do my bit-o-writing and reading for the night so that I could actually go to sleep – I was just observing my fairy lights on the wall (my main night lights and room illuminations ever since I saw it at my cousin‚Äôs friend‚Äôs house when we all were in college), and not intentionally.  It‚Äôs as though I want the moment or night to last longer, without realizing the want… or something like that, anyway.

I don‚Äôt know.  I am exhausted, though, and that I do know.

Post-a-day 2017

Dreams that inspire tears

This morning, I woke up in such comfort as I had not known in months.  As I began to come to, though, confusion roused within me.  When I finally discovered where and when and what I was, I pitifully crunched myself under the blankets, smashing my face into the mattress, and resisting the intense, despairing urge to cry.

Why all of this, just from waking today?  My dreams.  I cannot say how many times this has happened, but I do know that it is incredibly rare for me Рwhen I awoke this morning, I initially believed that what had just been my dreams were, in fact, memories from actual events.  They, of course, were only dreams.

On this occasion of dreaming, I was wandering around a warm, beautiful place (beautiful in the sense of the space, as opposed to scenery)¬†with a friend of mine. ¬†His parents were in and out of the events, too. ¬†At one point, we were all participating in a¬†fun effort to help a group play fabulous music (It was like a modern-day version of pumping the organ, but for the musical ensemble as one large unit in need of this pumping.). ¬†We all sighed happily¬†from the effort when the music was finished, and walked separate ways from the band’s setup to relax after the sort of workout. ¬†My friend handed me a local coin, mentioning the nickname people have for it, and thus his reason for giving it to me. ¬†We both laughed as he passed it to me with a slight flourish-esque bow (think old-timey British servants presenting something to the master), and then he gave me a kiss on my forehead, rather casually.

I smiled, and even gave a small chuckle at the gesture, both via the sweet joke about the coin and comparing it to me and the loving kiss. ¬†We each briefly said something else, immediately after which, he casually lifted my chin and gave me a full, brief, and, again, casual kiss, this time on the lips. ¬†I was surprised, though not opposed, and even had willingly accepted/participated in the act. ¬†We both turned to resume whatever it was we were doing before these two kisses, but glanced back at one another¬†as¬†his eyes went wide and he made a face of “Uh-oh.”

  1. He’s not one for public displays of affection. ¬†2. ¬†His parents were nearby.

Naturally, his mother, though across the room, had noticed, as we could tell by her loud and calmly delighted, “Aaaaaaaaah, whaaaat is thaat, exactly, hmmm?” ¬†And his dad expressed a chuckled agreement to the question.

I replied quickly and with honesty and ease, “Oh, we don’t even know, really. ¬†He can’t seem to make up his mind about it, and I’m too lazy to do anything about it.”

And we were all, in a semi-silly way, happy and together and lovingly content.  My friend slipped his arm around my waist, and pulled me into a big sideways hug as I said the words to his mother, and everyone had a nice laugh or chuckle of true and easy contentment.

 

And that was it, really.

And it was all so believable, because of the experience of being there. ¬†It was real joy and caring for one another (all of us) and ease – life was easy with all of us together, where we were, just like it is when I am with family and my closest friend (a different friend from this one). ¬†So, when I awoke this morning, I was going from perfection (you know, the goofy ‘life is perfectly imperfect’ kind of perfection) and the bliss that followed after such an experience, to a cold (literally) realization that my circumstances are actually the opposite from how it felt they were…

How’s that for a start to a Friday, huh? ¬†Though, I do recall how our dreams help us handle all sorts of psychological struggles, it kind of makes me even sadder. ¬†How bad off am I right now that my sub-conscience decided I needed that kind of and that specific dream? ¬†Kind of made me hope for it to have been an accident that I’d had such a dream, as opposed to intentional in any way.

But, after the rough day that has been today, I’d be quite happy to continue these dreams tonight. ¬†Even though they have a¬†near¬†zero percent chance of coming true, I’ll be able at least to go back to sleep in the morning, free and at ease, because it will be Saturday, and one with no specific daytime plans but to sleep in. ¬†And everything feels better when you get to sleep in. ¬†ūüôā

 

Post-a-day 2017